could forget about everything and everyone. It was his
escape from reality and he needed that escape now. He
needed some peace, and for a while, as always, he found it, but at five before seven, the doorbell rang and he tensed,
drew in a breath, and went to open the door.
As expected, he found Max there, dressed in jeans and a
sweater, his backpack slung casually over his shoulder.
When he smiled that causal, carefree smile, Jaylin felt
his heart kick against his chest and he knew there was no
maybe about it.
He was in over his head and it was too late to do
anything about it. All he could do was make the best of the situation and not throw himself at Max Sydney or do or say
anything that would allow Max to see how much he wanted
him.
Stepping aside, he allowed Max to step into the room
before he closed the door and turned to see Max looking
around the room.
“Nice place.”
“Thanks.”
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Max set his backpack down and crossed the room to the
fireplace, where he looked intently at a picture on the
mantel.
“Is that your mom?”
“Yeah.”
“She’s beautiful.” Max glanced back over his shoulder.
“You have her eyes. But I guess the hair comes from your
father.”
“It does. But he’s not really around. Never has been.”
“I’m sorry.”
Jaylin shrugged and crossed the room to stand beside
Max, his heart still racing, questions and stray thoughts
running rapidly through his mind. Max seemed so casual, so
relaxed, yet there was an energy about him, something that
Jaylin found intoxicating and exciting as Max looked at him and he felt his breath catch.
“My mom left when I was six. My dad remarried when I
was ten.”
“I didn’t know that.”
“I don’t talk about it much. Neither does my dad. He
doesn’t like anyone knowing someone had the balls to
actually walk away from him.”
He didn’t dare say it, but it sounded to Jaylin like Max’s
dad was a real hard-ass and he was sorry for Max.
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“Would you like something to drink? Soda? Tea?” He
would have offered beer, if there had been any in the house, because at the moment, it occurred to Jaylin that a drink
would have done him some serious good. “If you want coffee
or something I think I can manage to make some.” He knew
he was bordering on babbling, but he needed to talk, to keep himself distracted. Max smiled and shook his head.
“I’m good, thanks. I just….” He shook his head, shoving
his hands in his pockets in a gesture that might have been
nervous. “Look, Jaylin, I kinda lied to you. And I’m sorry, but I…I really had no idea how to go about this and needed to
talk to you. But I couldn’t just come up and say what I need to say and….” Trailing off, he shook his head again and
Jaylin frowned a little, not understanding, as Max glanced at him, clearly anxious and on edge. Despite his own confusion, Jaylin wanted to somehow put Max at ease.
“Whatever it is, Max, you can just say it. I mean, you
asked for help with Biology….”
“See, that’s what I lied about. I don’t need help. I totally hate Biology, but I’m passing with a B average, and Bs are
usually as good as it gets for me, so I really don’t need help.”
“Okay. Then why did you ask me to tutor you?”
Max glanced at him, then paced nervously to the sofa,
where he sat down, hunched forward, his arms resting on
his legs while he stared at the floor.
Something is eating him up inside. He looks like he’s
about to jump out of his skin.
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Concerned, but not certain what to do, since he didn’t
really know what was wrong, Jaylin decided to stand,
waiting for Max to say what he needed to say. He didn’t
think pushing would be a good idea. Whatever Max was
struggling to get out, he needed to do it on his own, at his own pace, and Jaylin respected that, even if he was
undeniably curious.
Finally, Max glanced up at him, but quickly looked
down again as he blew out a breath.
“When did you know?”
Confused, Jaylin frowned a little. “When did I know
what?”
“When did…well, when did you know that you’re…you
know….”
“Are you asking me when I knew I was gay?”
Seemingly relieved he didn’t actually have to say the
words, Max nodded. Jaylin’s mind was reeling, but he firmly forced himself to focus on what Max had asked and not the
possibilities his asking such a question could suggest.
“I guess on some level, I always knew I was different. I
mean, I know a beautiful girl whenever I see one, but I’ve
never been attracted….” He shrugged. “I was fifteen when I
really understood and, for me, it wasn’t a big deal. I just sort of accepted it and I told my mom and she was great. She
said she’ll always love me and she only wants me to be
happy.”
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“Your mother sounds pretty great.”
“She is. And I know I’m lucky. I know a lot of guys don’t
find that kind of understanding.”
Max nodded, but fell silent again, and Jaylin finally
moved, to sit on the other end of the sofa, still careful to give Max plenty of space. And time. If what he suspected was
indeed true, Max had to actually say it for himself. He
needed to be able to open that door and accept himself and
learn not to be afraid.
“My dad is nothing like your mother. He’s a jerk. A
bigot. He hates anyone different.”
“Unfortunately, some people are like that.”
“What about your dad? Does he know?”
“I’ve never come right out and told him, but I only see
him once a year at the most.”
“Do you think he’ll freak?”
Jaylin shook his head. “Not really. He’s pretty open-
minded.” And if he did have some issue with it, both Jaylin and Kayla would tell him to shove off. It was far too late for him to have any real say or voice in exactly how Jaylin lived his life.
“My dad will freak out. I know it. And my stepmother
will, too.”
“Max….”
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“I’ve known for a while. How could I not? But I wouldn’t
admit it. Admitting it means it’s a fact, and I can’t take it back, once I admit it.” His voice was soft, thick with emotion.
Wanting to comfort him somehow, Jaylin laid a hand gently
on his back, and Max didn’t shrink from the touch. “I’ve
gone out with girls. I’m sure you’ve heard all the rumors.
Everyone at school thinks I’ll nail anything with breasts and a vagina, but truth is, I’ve only had sex once and it…well, it was really horrible. But she wouldn’t admit that and she just told her friends it was really great and the next girl didn’t want to admit we didn’t do more than kiss….” Shaking his
head, he looked at Jaylin, his eyes reflecting confusion and fear and a dozen different emotions Jaylin understood and
sympathized with, even if he wasn’t certain what to say to
help Max.
He really had been lucky, to have a mother who loved
and accepted him without condition and he wished Max
could expect the same, but it was obvious his father would
blow up and not accept Max for who he was.
“I can’t tell you not to be afraid. Because it can be scary.
My mother handled it well, but I’ve had some so-called
friends up and turn their backs on me when I admitted to
them that I’m gay, and it does hurt. But you learn to be
grateful for your true friends and you learn who you can
count on to be there through the hard times.”
“Most of the guys on the team will hate me.”
“Maybe. Some of them may surprise you.”
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“I wish I could believe that and I….” He looked at Jaylin.
“I can’t actually ‘come out’ yet. I’m still too afraid. I’m afraid my dad will throw me out and then what would I do? I could
likely get into a good college on a football or baseball
scholarship, but I still have a few months of high school left.
I need a place to live and…God, Jaylin, I don’t want to live a lie, but I don’t know if I’m brave enough to admit the truth when it will cost me so much.”
“You’ve taken the first step, by opening up to me.”
“It’s easy with you. I knew you would understand.”
“I do understand. And I will help you in any way I can.”
“You mean that, don’t you?”
Jaylin smiled. “I mean it. I’ll listen if you want to talk.
Help you when you are ready to tell your dad, if you like.
Just let me know what you need and I swear, I’ll be there.” It was an easy promise to make and one he knew he would
easily keep, because he knew Max needed the support and
he really wanted to be a friend to someone who clearly
needed it. And there was no denying to himself that he cared about Max. He was the kind of guy it would be easy to fall
for, but Jaylin was trying hard not to think about that too much as their eyes held. Max smiled, seeming to relax a
little, and Jaylin was glad for that.
He wanted Max to be completely comfortable with him,
wanted him to understand that he didn’t have to hide
anything or be afraid. Max needed someone to be a safe
place for him, someone he could count on for support and
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understanding, and Jaylin wanted to be that person. He felt honored that Max had opened up to him.
“Jaylin, I want you to know, I didn’t pick you to talk to
just because I already knew about you being gay and all. I
mean, that was part of it.”
“I understand. You didn’t want to go to your friends with
this.”
“I didn’t. But I came to you because…well, because I’ve
been watching you.”
“What?”
He blushed and looked down again. “For the past year,
I’ve been watching you. I see you when you’re at school, of course. But I go to your track meets whenever I can. I know you never see me, because I’m in the stands. And I went to
the past few school concerts, just so I could hear you play, and I…. The thing is, you’re what made me realize I really
don’t want to live a lie.”
“Max….”
“I like you, Jaylin. I mean, I really like you. I think
you’re just about perfect.”
“Are you serious?”
God, this is all a dream and any
second, I’m gonna wake up, alone in my bed, hard as a rock
and seriously disappointed.
“Max, I don’t know what to say. I never expected you to actually be interested in me. Hell, I never even suspected for a second you were gay!” Okay, he
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quite wrap his mind around what he was hearing from the
man of his dreams.
“Jaylin, you are the most amazing guy.” Max turned so
he was better facing him and it seemed to Jaylin that the
rest of the world had ceased to exist. “You are smart and you have a great sense of humor. Not to mention you are super
talented. I could sit and listen to you play the piano all day.
It’s almost hypnotic. I listen to you and watch you get lost in the music and I can feel what you’re feeling and it’s so
incredible. And I love to watch you run. I’ve never see anyone so graceful and so completely in tune with their body, so
focused. It’s sexy and, believe me when I say you have no
idea how many times I’ve wanted….” His words quickly faded
and he again blushed, which was maybe the cutest sight
Jaylin had ever seen. Jaylin grinned, warm both inside and
out, as he reached out and took Max’s hand in his. Their
eyes locked and held once more.
It was an intense moment. Jaylin swore he could
actually hear the sound of his heart pounding against his
chest, but he wasn’t scared as much as he was excited.
His dream was coming true and it was exhilarating.
“I’ve thought about you too, Max. A lot. I never thought
you noticed me.”
“You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I’d be
blind not to notice you.”
“I wish I could see myself the way you see me.”
“Maybe I can help you see yourself the way I do.”
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“Max….”
“Do you think you could ever like me, Jaylin?”
He sounded so unsure, so afraid, as if he expected to be
rejected, when rejecting him was the last thing Jaylin could even consider.
“Max, I already like you.”
“Do you? As maybe more than a friend?”
“Do you have any idea how often I….” He laughed. “Max,
I think about you all the time. And I about died when you
came to me today. I kept wondering how I could be around
you and not act on all I feel when I look at you.”
“Really? I was afraid you would tell me I’m not your
type.”
“Are you kidding?”
“I’m just a jock. I’m nothing special….”
“That’s where you’re wrong. God, you are so much more
than a jock.”
“But I’m not like you. You already know what you want
in life.”
“So you still have a few things to figure out. It doesn’t
change the fact that you are smart and kind and funny.” He
gently squeezed the hand he held. “Trent and his buddies?