“I can’t believe you did that.” My words, when they finally come, slip and slide over each other as they rush off my tongue. “I can’t believe you went behind my back and did what I explicitly asked you not to do. This wasn’t your fight; it was mine. The decision to let it lie was mine. And Tag…I didn’t want him involved anymore either. He sacrificed enough for me. I destroyed one of his careers, and now it looks like I’ll destroy another.”
Ray steps back, stunned. “I thought you’d be happy.”
“Happy?” My voice rises in pitch. “Happy for him to know I’m still around, and that there’s still a possibility I might report it to the police? Did anyone ever tell you an animal is more dangerous when it’s wounded? Now he’ll come looking for me. What if he recognizes Tag? You don’t know his family—the power they have, the things they said they would do.”
“I know all about them. I don’t go into things half-assed, Sia. I’ve covered our tracks, and you don’t have to be scared. If they ever threaten you or your family, I have the resources to make sure those threats never come to fruition.”
“I thought you were giving it up, whatever it is that you think puts you above the law and gives you access to information and powers other people don’t have.”
He flinches as if I hit him, and I wonder if he’s really thought through what he intends to give up for me.
“But that’s not even the biggest issue,” I say, my voice shaking with emotion. “The issue is trust. I trusted you to respect my decisions. I trusted you to respect my wishes. I trusted you to let me live my life the way I wanted to live it. This is exactly what happened with the mural in the tattoo studio. I didn’t tell you so you could do something about it. I just wanted you to know.”
“But you’re not living your life the way you want to live it.” Ray scrubs a hand through his hair. “You’re hiding behind the tats and the leather and the piercings. But I see you, Sia. I see the softness and vulnerability you try to hide. I see your pain and I want to take it away. I see an artist who has stifled her own creativity, and I want to set her free.”
“By beating a man half to death?”
His eyes narrow. “I told you I would keep you safe, and there are no limits to what I would do to make that happen.”
“What you did is a limit for me. Breaking my trust is a limit for me.”
“Don’t.” His voice breaks and he takes a step toward me.
But I’m on a roll, and my pain and frustration need an outlet. “For the longest time, I just wanted to be normal. I wanted to forget about the past. I wanted to be with a man and have sex the way I always fantasized about and not worry about panic attacks and PTSD. And then I met you, and I realized there is no such thing as normal, that maybe the problem was I had never let anyone get close. And I could have what I wanted as long as I felt safe and protected. I realized what I had really wanted was to be able to trust again—not just someone else, but myself. I trusted you. I gave myself to you. And now I realize it was all a mistake.”
He reaches for me and pulls me into his arms. “Please, Sia…”
“I know what you did came from a good place.” I try to pull away, but he tightens his grip. “I understand what you were trying to do, but it wasn’t what I wanted. I can’t deal with this anymore. I can’t handle the secrets. I don’t want to get hurt more than I already am. You’re not the right—”
Ray cuts me off with a kiss, hard, desperate, wanting. “Don’t push me away.”
“God, Ray,” I whisper. “I don’t want to. I have to. But I wish I were wrong. I ache for you.”
And then, because I want him so much, and it feels so right to be in his arms, and this might be the last time we’re together, I kiss him back, trying to let him know what is in my heart that my head won’t let me say, while the rain thunders down outside the alcove, washing the alley clean.
Please, rain, wash my pain away.
Sliding my arms around Ray’s waist, I tug him out into the alley and push him against the wall. “I wanted you from the moment I saw you. I never stopped wanting you.” I brush my lips over his, sliding my tongue over the seam until he opens them for me. “I want you now more than I ever wanted you before. And I’ll never stop wanting you, even when I can’t see you again.”
“Here?”
“Yes, here.” I place his hands on my hips. “Or is it still too dangerous? I thought you had that sorted out.”
He looks up and down the alley and shakes his head. “I do.”
Frustrated by his unmoving hands, I slide them up farther and place them on my breasts. “No one is going to be out in this rain, much less see us in a dark alley. Please, Ray. I need you. One last time. I want to remember what it feels like to be yours.”
He groans and pulls me closer. “I’ll take you home first, get you dried off—”
“No. Fuck me here, with the rain beating down on us and the thunder crashing. Fuck me where people might see because you want me as badly as I want you. Make my heart pound. Make me feel alive. Take me, Ray. I’m yours.”
He gives no further protest. Instead, he pushes me back against the brick wall and slants his mouth over mine. His kiss is hard, deep, and hungry. Savage. Water streams down our faces, trickling into our clothes, cool and refreshing in the hot, muggy air.
With brusque, efficient movements, he shoves up my bra and T-shirt, then helps me shove my jeans over my hips, tugging them quickly over my feet, so he can toss them into the dry space in the alcove.
“Touch me.” He grabs my hand and presses it against his hardened length, where it’s straining against his fly. I stroke until he growls, and then I yank on his fly. The zipper parts, and I slip my hand inside and wrap my fingers around him. He is rock hard and hot in my palm, but his skin is silky smooth.
He groans and pulls a pocket knife from his jeans. Then he flicks open the blade and slides it into my free hand. “Cut me.”
“I thought…you didn’t need that anymore.”
“Never like this before, but I need it now, beautiful girl.”
Ray’s sodden shirt sags under the weight of the rain, and I yank it up and over his chest, and then off, tossing it into the alcove.
“Here.” He touches over his heart, the center of the wolf I inked into his skin. Water streams over his tattoo, the beads of water trickling from the wolf’s head like tears.
“I can’t.”
Hands trembling, I reach around his neck to pull him close, skin to skin, cool and warm with only water drops between us, holding the knife away from his body. My nipples harden against his chest and Ray wraps his arms around me and digs his fingers into my ass.
In the distance, cars splash through puddles and someone honks a horn. Faint lights illuminate the alley then disappear. But I am focused only on the rasp of his breath, the warmth of his body against me, and the rigid length of his erection pressed tight against my belly.
“You’re so fucking hot.” Ray lifts me, bracing my back against the rough, wet bricks as he cups my ass. I wrap my legs around his hips and grind my sex against his shaft.
“Hell.” His word is swallowed by the patter of raindrops on the cement and a distant clap of thunder. But I’m not afraid. Naked, wet inside and out, I am truly alive. Heart-pounding, pulse-racing, clit-throbbing life.
“Now, Ray. I need you now.”
He groans. “Don’t have a condom.”
“Me either but I’m on the pill. Are you safe?”
Ray nods. “But if you want to stop—”
“No. Please don’t stop.”
He must sense this isn’t the time for games. With a low groan, he drives his shaft inside me, impaling me, making me his.
Trembling, I cling to him, the knife still in my hand, hopefully forgotten as he thrusts, savoring the feeling of being as close as we can get, the friction of his unsheathed cock sliding against my inner walls.
Raindrops spatter on my mouth and I lick them away, tasting Ray and me and tears on my lips.
When he bends down to take my left nipple in his mouth, my head falls back and I close my eyes. Wanton, uninhibited, and totally unrestrained, I give myself over to the storm and to the man who has made me feel again. “Take me.”
Ray releases my breast and grips my hips so hard I know I will have bruises tomorrow. His thrusts are fast, hard, and deep, merciless in their rhythm, making my necklace bounce against my chest. I am drawn to my peak by his passion and the violence simmering beneath his glistening skin.
Lightning flashes. Thunder roars. Rocking my hips, I meet Ray’s thrusts until I am mindless, awash in sensation. Free.
He slides a hand between us and presses the pad of his thumb over my clit, releasing me. My body uncoils with such violent intensity that I forget to breathe. Shaking, convulsing, I climax hard. And then he curls his hand over mine, tightening my fingers around the knife, and slides our joined hands to his chest.
“No.”
He pounds into me, and then he leans forward and swallows my scream as he cuts himself with our joined hands, piercing the wolf’s heart. Moments later, he stiffens and groans, his shaft pulsing as he spills hot and deep within me. And then we hold each other in the rain until our hearts no longer beat as one.
This is not a game you want to play
Priority: Confidential
Bay Area Underground Fight Club (BUFC) Fight Night
Empty lot. Shipley. 8 p.m.
Headlining: Krakow vs. Raptor
Also on the card: Predator, Rampage, Dark Knight, Anarchist
Code Word: Revolution
“Who are you?” Jess sniffs and turns away when I join her in the empty lot on Shipley Street to watch Rampage fight. A makeshift ring has been set up in the grass about ten feet away, marked off by ropes and poles. The lot is far off the beaten path and lookouts have been stationed on either end of the small lane leading up to our illicit fight ground.
“Your BFF.” I slide my arm around her waist and she pulls away.
“BFFs don’t ignore their BFFs. They respond to texts, answer phones, and don’t forget Thursday drinks at Clive’s Bar.”
My heart skips a beat. “I’m so sorry. I was with Ray.”
“Of course you were.” Her cold tone makes me cringe. “I guess he’s more important than me or helping me decide if I should break up with Blade Saw, since he’s decided he wants to get serious.”
“How serious?”
“Wouldn’t you like to know?” She huffs and steps away. “I waited an hour for you and had to fend off groping hands and bad lines and the worst martini ever poured. Where were you? Why didn’t you answer your phone?”
“Ray…and Tag…” I tell her what happened. How they found Luke. Even the part about sex in the rain, and how Ray drove me home and we said good-bye. And how, when I walked into my apartment, I couldn’t bear to see the half-finished painting on my table or my sketchbook on the table or even the paintings on the wall. Now my walls are stripped bare. My art supplies are in the closet. And I’m resolved to focus on my tattoo work, find new clients, and stay with the team when Slim gets us back into his shop.
For the first time since I’ve known her, Jess is speechless. She stares at me aghast for a few moments and then finally finds her tongue.
“I thought you were happy painting again, and that you were going to take Torment up on his offer to run the Redemption shop.”
“I can’t, Jess. I let Ray get close, I trusted him, and look what happened. I don’t make good decisions. I have no clue about managing a shop. I have one business course under my belt and a few years of watching Slim. If I’m really serious about going out on my own, I should take a few more courses and spend some time with him, learning the management side, perfecting my techniques, and getting better at bringing in clients. Plus, what if it’s not a success? My parents need my help. This way I know I’m always guaranteed a steady stream of income.”
And I don’t have to worry about bumping into Ray every day, or seeing him with someone else, or wondering if he’s going to walk in the door. But I don’t say it, because I’m sure she already knows.
“So you’re just giving up?” Her voice rises so high people turn to stare. “One knock and you fall down? That’s not the Sia I know. Luke gave you the hit of your life and you bounced back. You remade yourself. You gave
me
the courage to go on.”
“I don’t want to remake myself again. I can’t do it. This Sia is the one I’m comfortable with, so this is who I’m going to be.”
“Seriously?” She scrapes a hand through her hair. “I have never seen you happier than when you were with Ray and painting again. And that day you texted me to tell me you were going to take over the shop and put your art on the wall, I almost exploded with happiness. It was like you were breaking free and you’d found a way to be Sia now and Sia then.”
“He broke my trust.”
“Because he cares,” Jess says. “Because he wanted to protect you. He loves you.”
My breath catches in my throat. “He doesn’t love me. I’m not a lovable type. Too many hang-ups.”
Jess shakes her head. “People don’t do what he just did because of friendship.”
Tears prickle my eyes. “I would do it for you.”
“And I would do it for you.” Jess’s eyes water and she looks away. “But that’s because we love each other. Which is entirely my point.”
We shuffle to the side as more people join the crowd. Blade Saw waves from the other side of the ring, where he is done prepping Rampage for his fight. Rampage looks over at us and grins before he climbs through the ropes to face his opponent, the Dark Knight, who looks anything but dark with his pale skin and light blond hair. He also looks like a child beside Rampage, who has about five inches and one hundred pounds on him.
The ref signals for the fight to begin and Rampage picks up the Dark Knight and tosses him across the ring. The crowd roars. Jess and I cheer. The Dark Knight staggers to his feet while Rampage smirks. Then the Dark Knight launches a full-on assault, running at Rampage like a battering ram. I brace myself for the inevitable. The inevitable happens with the sickening thud of the Dark Knight against Rampage’s chest. Rampage looks down and swats him away. The Dark Knight falls to his knees. We cheer again.
“This is painful to watch.” Jess scrunches her nose. “I like there to be some sport involved. What was the Dark Knight thinking, challenging Rampage? He’s a middleweight at best. Who’s next on the card?”
“I’ve got the lineup on the invitation email.” I paw through my purse, looking for my phone. Damn. Everything is still wet from my little jaunt in the rain. My hand closes over a small plastic disc, and I pull out my pills. Double damn. Not only did I forget to take one last night, but they’ve also turned into little wet smudges of beige. I find my phone and send myself a reminder to pick up a refill tomorrow. If I go first thing, I’ll only have missed two.
After showing her the evening lineup, I tuck my phone away just as Blade Saw saunters over to join us.
Jess frowns. “Aren’t you supposed to be watching Rampage’s back?”
Blade Saw throws an arm around her shoulder and pecks her lightly on the cheek. “Waste of time. Rampage is just toying with him. When the crowd gets bored, he’ll put him out of his misery.” He looks over at me and winks. “Heard a rumor you’d hooked up with the Predator. He’s fighting next.”
“Uh…yeah…it’s just casual.” I roll my eyes at Jess. Redemption is notoriously bad for gossip, worse even than high school. The last thing I need is for Blade Saw to run around telling everyone I confirmed the rumor, when in fact, we’re no longer together.
“That why he told everyone at Redemption to stay away from you this morning?”
My breath catches in my throat. “He didn’t.”
“Guys at Redemption need to know when someone has staked a claim.” Blade Saw peers around the dude in front of him to check out the situation in the ring. Rampage has the Dark Knight on the ground in a painful submission. The Dark Knight struggles and strains for all of three seconds and then taps out. Rampage wins. He fist pumps the crowd as if he actually had to exert himself or use any skill, and receives the concomitant praise.
Jess frowns. “She’s not a piece of land.”
“She’s taken.” Blade Saw pulls her into his side. “Just like you.”
Jess’s eyes widen, and she shoots me a glance. I know what she’s thinking. Maybe Tag didn’t make his move because of the unspoken rule at Redemption about trespassing on a teammate’s territory. But, oh, poor Blade Saw. He is totally enamored with Jess. I don’t want to see him get hurt.
Before I can intervene, Ray steps into the ring. His opponent is the Anarchist, an amateur from a rival club in Menlo Park. Physically they appear compatible, although the Anarchist is maybe an inch or two shorter and much broader in the chest. He wears a black mask with eyeholes that makes Jess laugh and Blade Saw groan. Masked competitors get no respect. MMA is about the fight, not theatrics.
Ray takes the center of the ring. His muscles ripple, his six-pack gleaming under the lights as he shakes the Anarchist’s hand. He is wearing blue fight shorts with nothing on the sides. I’ve never seen him wearing anything plain and my heart tightens just a tiny bit.
The second the ref signals the start of the fight, Ray plants his right hand on the Anarchist’s jaw and tugs down the mask, covering the Anarchist’s eyes. The crowd roars in appreciation. The Anarchist flails, throwing a kick and trying to knee Ray in the stomach, except by the time his knee gets there, Ray’s stomach is nowhere to be found. Blind, the Anarchist attempts a takedown, but is easily thwarted by Ray’s solid hammer fist.
So much aggression. So much power. I want that power used on me, holding me, restraining me, fucking me. My cheers distract Ray, and his gaze flicks in my direction. The Anarchist manages to straighten his mask and throws another knee to Ray’s body and then another. As he hammers his knees home, Ray wails on him with elbows until the Anarchist sinks to his knees and taps out—a win for the Predator and the shortest fight of the evening.
We stay for the rest of the fights, but I am distracted searching for Ray. What if I’ve made a mistake? What if I shouldn’t have pushed him away?
After the last fight, Rampage meets us on the street, and we decide to head over to the Dirty Diva’s bar where Christos is playing tonight. I take one last look around the empty parking lot and sigh.
Jess gives my hand a squeeze. “The first few weeks are the hardest.”
“I know.”
* * *
Dirty Divas is hopping when we arrive, and even more hopping when it is swarmed by testosterone-fueled fighters fresh out of the ring. Rampage flexes his biceps and growls at a crowd of college freshmen, then scores us a booth at the back with an awesome view of the stage.
“I thought you said Christos’s band wasn’t any good.” Jess flips her quarter at the collection of shot glasses in the center of the table. She’s killer at Quarters and seems determined to get me drunk tonight.
“They weren’t. But they got a new keyboardist and vocalist a few months ago, and it’s been a major improvement.” An understatement if there ever was one. Their first set of hard rock covers blows me away. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so reassuring to Slim when I told him Christos would never leave.
The quarter bounces off the edge of one shot glass and then slips inside. “Score.” Jess pumps her fist in the air and then points to me. “Drink up.”
With a sigh, I take the glass and down the shot, then pull my quarter out of the game. Two is my limit. Any more and I’ll be drunk texting Ray and all the boyfriends I’ve ever had.
The band takes a break and a DJ takes over. He throws on some Lady Gaga and Jess grabs my hand. She can work Lady G like there’s no tomorrow. Slightly dizzy with the vodka rush, I grab Rampage’s shoulder to steady myself.
“You okay there?” His brow wrinkles in concern.
“I’m good. Just stood up too fast.”
Rampage frowns. “Tag and the Predator will have my head if anything happens to you.” He glares at Blade Saw and Hammer Fist across the table, both of who are trying to flip a coin into one of the glasses. “I think we’ll end the game and I’ll order you some water.”
My stomach clenches and I glare. “Why does everyone think they have to look out for me? I’m a big girl. I go drinking all the time. I know when I’ve had enough. And I’ve changed. I’m living on the edge now.”
“You’re not big.” Rampage snorts. “You’re little. Go live on the edge on the dance floor.” He points toward the heaving crowd and Jess dancing alone in the center.
“I’m not liking you very much right now.”
Rampage laughs. “I didn’t think it was possible, but you’re even cuter when you’re angry. Go, before I do something the Predator will make me regret.”
“He doesn’t own me.” I throw out the words over my shoulder as I stomp away.
Rampage’s smile fades. “Yes, he does.”
Jess and I dance up a storm until Blade Saw decides he wants in on the action, leaving me without a dance partner. But never mind. The dance floor is packed. I wiggle and shimmy with a few of the non-Redemption fighters from the event, showing off my moves as best I can in the three-inch silver stilettos and skirt I always keep in my trunk in case of an emergency dance trip, which with Jess, happens every week.
The band returns to the stage and launches into a cover of Atrocity’s “Let’s Dance.” Good song. My fighter buddies think so too. One of them is so happy he gives me a hug. He disappears. Oh, he hasn’t disappeared. He has turned into Ray.
My new fighter friends run away. One of them is holding his hand over his eye. He doesn’t look so happy anymore.
And neither am I. Ray closes in on me. His hair is wet like he just showered, and he smells deliciously of citrus-scented body wash. My entire body aches for him, and I am tempted to open my arms until he scowls.
“What the fuck are you wearing?”
“Clothes.”
Ray shakes his head. “No one should see you dressed like that but me.”
“Not anymore.”
People dance around us. Someone bumps into me, and Ray grabs him by the shoulder and pulls back his arm.
“Watch where you’re dancing.”
Heart thumping, I step between them, pressing myself against Ray’s body as I push down his arm. “Calm down. We’re the ones who shouldn’t have been standing on the dance floor.”
Ray growls deep in his chest but he doesn’t move. “We need to talk.”
“There’s nothing left to say.”
The music segues into a cover of Orisha Sound’s sultry “Own Ya.” Ray’s eyes burn into me, and he tangles one hand through my hair and yanks my head back, leaning close to whisper in my ear. “I am fucking wound up tight after that fight. It took me this long just to come down enough to walk in the door to find you so we could talk. This is not a game you want to play with me right now.”
“I’m not playing games. I meant what I said last night.”
“Jesus Christ, Sia.” His free hand tightens around me, his fingers digging so hard into my skin that I’m sure I’ll have bruises tomorrow. “Then what are you doing in my arms?”
Emotion wells up in my chest. I can’t bear to pull myself away. His body feels so right against mine. Warm. Safe. Solid. Unyielding. This is where I want to be.
“I don’t know,” I say. “I can’t walk away.”
He looks down at me, his expression dark and hungry. “Do you have any idea what you do to me?”