Fully Automatic (Bullet) (14 page)

“Uh, I…”

“On me.”

She blinked and then nodded.  “Okay.”  Any other girl, he would have been pissed, but that look on her face.  He knew he was gonna have a hell of a time getting over her.  A hell of a time.

Chapter Fifteen

IT SEEMED LIKE
no matter how small the town, there was always a McDonald’s.  Well, it was a college town, so it didn’t surprise him.  That was good.  McDonald’s was cheap, and he could get a lot of food for a little.  He wasn’t hurting for money, but he was tight with it.  He was saving it up for all things band and music related, and food wasn’t one of those things, so he was tight.  Still, he wasn’t going to let Val know that.  As they approached the register, he told her to get whatever she wanted.

He was going to have to sublimate his sexual urges with food, so he ordered a shitload.  Then, when Val ordered, she got a sandwich, hash browns, and coffee.  “That’s it?”

She grinned.  “Well, I’m not a growing boy like you are.”

He smiled back and handed the cashier a twenty.  “You’re gonna waste away to nothing.”

She rolled her eyes.  “Yeah, right.”

In just a few minutes, they took their tray of food and stopped to grab napkins before sitting down. 
Brad stirred cream in his coffee and Val asked, “So…what do you do besides play in your band?  Where do you work?”

“I work for one of those places that changes oil.  Pretty much sucks.
  Course, anything that doesn’t have anything to do with music sucks, as far as I’m concerned.”  He took a bite of his sandwich.  He decided it wouldn’t hurt to tell her.  “But I’m saving up so I can actually make something of my life.”

“What are your plans?”

“I’m pretty sure you have the idea.  I don’t have any crazy notions, like we have to move to New York or L.A. or Seattle, but we need to amass a fan base.  Nothing happens nowadays without fans, and we won’t get fans by sitting around on our asses.  That’s part of why I booked that show here—the sooner Ethan and Zane realize college isn’t their future, the sooner we can get on with our lives.  They need to feel the need in their blood.”

She seemed a little dismayed.  He couldn’t figure out why, but he took another bite of his sandwich.  He’d let her explain herself…or not. 
“So what are you thinking?”

“I dunno.  Colorado Springs, Denver, some of the big college towns.  But that would involve moving to one of those places.  I’m thinking Denver.  It’s huge.  I bet we could have shows booked all the time.”
  He took another bite, and they got quiet for a little bit.  Val was dunking her hash brown patty in ketchup, but she wasn’t talking.  He wondered what she might be thinking.  And he suspected he might have an inkling.  Still, he wasn’t going to push her into talking if she wasn’t ready.  He took a sip of orange juice and then said, “So, that’s what I’m saving up for.  I’m sure my mom will be thrilled for me to move out.”

“You think so?”

“Actually, no.  I’m her youngest kid and she’s divorced, so she really doesn’t want me to leave.  But I’ve been trying to prepare her for it.”  She sipped her coffee.  She was holding something close.  He wanted to know what it was.  “So what about you, Val?  What big plans do you have for the future?”

She took a deep breath and tried to smile. 
I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up.”

He laughed.  “Okay…I’ll ask you what my douchebag counselor asked me my junior year in high school.”  He
closed his eyes and conjured that old fart earning a paycheck for being fucking lame and tried to do his best imitation.  The guy had a raspy, folksy, high-pitched voice and a wrinkly face.  He’d worn glasses that always slipped to the bottom of his nose, and when he talked, it looked like he’d just taken a big whiff of shit.  So Brad tried channeling the man’s aura when he spoke.  “What are your interests, Mr. Payne?  What do you find yourself doing when you lose track of time?”

Val laughed.  At least his humor wasn’t wasted on her
.  “Those seem to be reasonable questions.”

“Yeah, they were, even though he was reading them off a card while looking out the window watching the cheerleaders practice on the front lawn.  And when I told him my answer, he told me to
be realistic
.”

“You seem to be talented with your impersonations too.”

“Yeah, but seriously…what interests you, Val?  There’s gotta be something, right?”

She seemed to give it some thought.  He knew what he wanted to tell her, but he would rather she say it.  So he sat in silence, sipping at his coffee again, waiting for her to talk. 
“Well, isn’t that why I’m taking all these classes, these varied classes, to help me figure out what I like?”

“Maybe…so have you found something?”

“That’s the problem.  Everything seems fun…for a while.”

Come on, Val.  Say it.
  “You like writing?”

“I guess.”

“Because that shit you wrote for us was phenomenal.”

“I thought you were just saying that.”

He smiled.  “Because I was drunk?  I’ll let you in on a little secret.  I’m brutally honest when I’m drunk.  Scary honest.”  He didn’t know that that was completely true, but he had thought her lyrics were brilliant.  His shit was kindergarten words strung together compared to the talent in her pinky finger.  She was thinking about it.  Good.  He wanted her to come to it on her own.  She took another sip of her coffee, and that’s when he realized she wasn’t going to say a word.  He was going to have to suggest it to her.  He knew he was on the right track, because Ethan had said it one time, that Val had told him she’d dreamed being a lead vocalist.  “You ever think about being in a band?”

And there…that was
when he saw her eyes light up.  They were filled with doubt too, but he could see the spark. 
Yeah.
  He knew where she lived.  But then she shrugged and tried to look neutral.  “Nah.”  She took another drink of her coffee.

She was lying to herself.  She was going to be the good girl and go to college, just like her parents, friends, and teachers thought she should, and she was going to ignore the siren call
, the cry from her soul, telling her what she really wanted to do.  He’d felt it too.  He knew it and chose to follow it, and that’s why he’d seen it in her.  And after what little he’d heard her sing, he knew she could be a great vocalist.  Still…it would have to wait until she decided to embrace it.  He’d planted the seed and now she’d have to water and nurture it.  He just hoped he could be there to see it grow into fruition.

He’d make sure he was.

* * *

Ethan and Zane came home
from school in May, and Brad had plenty to show off.  He’d managed to not only book them a fuckload of shows, but he’d also purchased an old church van that would become their touring van.  They’d have to continue renting a trailer, but they could take a smaller one and have plenty of room to spare.  The van had needed a few repairs, and his friends at work were able to help him with them.  He hadn’t had to spend a fortune on the van, and he knew the minor problems had been why.

He was relieved to hear that Ethan and Zane had the school experience out of their system.  Zane said maybe someday he’d go back, but he wanted to give the band an honest try.  Ethan?  He’d only done it to say in his grandfather’s good graces.  The old bastard was the only male figure in Ethan’s life who seemed to give a shit, and Ethan didn’t want to fuck that away.  Too bad the guy didn’t live close enough to keep his friend on the straight and narrow.

Now that the band was on track and his friends home for good, Brad decided to not let Val slip through his fingers so easily.  Sure, he was going to give her the time and space she needed, but she was going to have to tell him to back the fuck off if she didn’t want him to be part of her life.  She was too special to him to just let go.  He worried too that he would be “out of sight, out of mind,” and he didn’t want that to happen.  He knew that Val and Ethan remained on the outs, even though she was still hung up on him, so there would be no connection there.  He’d have to do that himself.  So he sent her a text now and then to see how she was doing.  She hardly ever got on Facebook or he would have connected that way, but she always responded to texts.  He asked her to get on Facebook, though, so she could like the page he’d set up for Fully Automatic.  He’d made it look as professional as possible, adding pictures and a couple of MP3s, and he made sure it looked good when he invited her.  They only had about thirty-three likes at the time, because it seemed secondary to actually playing for live audiences.  He had simply wanted to give audiences a place to look for more info after shows.

Val
did
like the page, though, and it wasn’t long after he’d asked her.

He had also managed to set up gigs near her, one in her hometown, and he couldn’t wait to tell her about those.
  Instead of telling her, though, he set up events on Facebook and decided to invite her to two—the one in her hometown and one in Colorado Springs the night before.

And then he waited.

In the meantime, they started messaging some, and he decided that he really liked her as a friend.  Even if nothing further ever happened between the two of them, he wanted to continue their friendship.  She started sharing poems and songs she was writing, and he encouraged her.  She really was a hell of a writer.

One night she sent him a song/ poem that he wanted to read so much more into but thought better of it:

I need something I shouldn’t have.

It’s wrong, the way I crave

But I can’t stay away.

Please tell me it’s okay.

You’re the flame that I’m drawn to

Every single time

I can’t stay away

But I know you’re not mine.

Need to go away,

Need to run and hide,

But I keep getting drawn to you

Time after time after time.

Why is it I always need something bad for me?

I want something I shouldn’t have.

It’s wrong the way I cave

To you but you feel like mine.

Please make me feel like I can stay.

He wasn’t stupid.  He knew the poem was about Ethan.  So he told her the truth—
that, like everything she wrote, it was good stuff.  But then she sent him one that, if he wasn’t mistaken, was about him, and he felt his heart swell (hell, he felt his dick swell) when he read it.

What is it about you

That makes me weak in the knees?

You’re the only one on this earth

Never needs to say please.

But you know my weakness,

Know where I hide my soul.

Yet you kept me safe

And you made me whole.

You made me whole.

CHORUS:

But you’re the rainbow I can’t touch,

The forbidden fruit I want so much.

Just one taste, one night together

Would help me endure the rest of forever.

You said that you’d wait for me

But you didn’t know what that entailed.

You didn’t know my heart was diseased.

In all things love I have failed.

But you seem to see right through me.

You know my heart’s desires.

I don’t think I ever fooled you

When you set my soul on fire.

You set my soul on fire.

BRIDGE:

You will be my heaven and hell,

My promise so far away.

Can I wait until that day?

He felt like she’d taken his breath
away.  He would have thought that song was about Ethan too except for one thing, one line:  “You said that you’d wait for me.”  He was pretty sure Ethan had never made a promise like that to Val.  His line, if he had one, would have been, “I’ll run from you every chance I get.”  Once the emotions calmed, he composed (and recomposed) his response.  He didn’t want to sound like a fucking idiot, and he definitely didn’t want to call her out.  She was sharing words that were personal and intimate, and no way was he going to destroy that trust.  He finally wound up messaging her: 
These fucking rock, Val.  Where the hell do you come up with this stuff?

After several minutes, she messaged back: 
All in my sick little head.

Brad: 
lol
  Then, after several minutes, he messaged her again.  He was not going to just let her talent slip through his fingers, any more than he wanted her out of his life.  He messaged her again. 
How would you feel if I took your lyrics and turned them into a song?  I could write a kick ass tune for that.
  He was thinking, “Just like Ethan did,” but there was no way he was going to remind her of that.

She  responded: 
Write away!

And so he copied and pasted the song into Word and printed it out, then grabbed his guitar and sat on his bed.  He had a tune in h
is head that he had to work out, and he hoped the music would speak to Valerie as much as her words had spoken to him.