Futures and Frosting (12 page)

“Mom?  What are
you doing here?  I thought you were going to an art gallery opening?” I ask.

She lets go of
Carter’s arm and practically skips across the kitchen to me, wrapping me in her
arms and squealing in delight.

“Nonsense!  When
you called the other night and said you were nervous about making a good
impression on Carter’s stuffy parents, I knew I needed to be here for my best
girl,” she explains as she pulls back and fiddles with a lock of my hair that
has come loose from my pony tail.

“Oh my God,
Mom!  I never said his parents were stuffy!” I argue as I smacked her hand away
from my hair.  My mother, while well-meaning, treats me more like a best friend
than a daughter and possesses even less of a filter between her brain and her
mouth than I do.

I give Carter a
look of embarrassment and beg him with my eyes to not listen to a word she
said.  My mother continues talking like I'm not even there.

“Now, Carter,
you look positively yummy and not at all tired.  Shouldn’t you be exhausted
from staying up all night sleeping with my daughter?  Claire, why aren’t you
keeping this man up until the wee hours of the morning having lots of sex?”

“Jesus, Mom! 
Can you tone it down a bit please?” I beg.

Carter had met
my mom the day we moved in when she came to help us unpack and has stopped by
for dinner several times since then.  He is quite familiar with the way she
acts but that doesn’t mean I can't try to nip it in the bud before it gets out
of hand.

“What?  Can’t a
mother be concerned for her daughter?  I just want to make sure your vagina
doesn’t get full of cobwebs like before.  Those things can take a pounding so
don’t worry about breaking anything.  I once pulled a muscle in my vagina.  Did
I ever tell you that story?”

So much for
the no vagina talk today.

I chug the rest
of my glass of wine, reach for the bottle on the counter, fill the glass back
up, and then took a swig right from the bottle before setting it back down.

“Mom, did I tell
you dad brought Sue with him today?  You know, the woman he’s been seeing? 
She’s really nice.  And never, ever talks about pounding vaginas.  Ever.”

I think maybe
making my mom a teensy bit jealous will deter her from all things inappropriate
but sadly I'm mistaken.  Sometimes I still forget just how cordial my parents
divorce was.

“Ooooooh goody!”
she squeals, clapping her hands together like a two-year-old.  “I’ve wanted to
meet her ever since your father first told me about her.  We have so much to
talk about.  I wonder if he’s used his Sean Connery accent on her yet and tried
that move where he puts his foot on the headboard and then thrusts-”

“STOP!  Jesus
Christ, please stop,” I plead before taking another big gulp of my wine. 
“Carter, can you let everyone know dinner is ready and we’re doing it buffet
style.  They can all come in here and fill up their plates before sitting down
at the table.  If you need me, I’ll be in here with my head in the oven.”

~

An hour later
everyone is still picking at their food after going back for seconds and
thirds.  My mom sits next to Sue and the two of them have been whispering and
giggling like school girls through the entire meal, stopping every once in a
while to glance over at my dad before falling into a fit of hysterics all over
again.

“Hey, Claire,
does this apple pie have nuts in it?  I don’t like nuts,” Drew states.

“I like nuts. 
Nuts are delicious,” Gavin pipes up, taking a big bite of apple pie to prove
it.

“Well,
I
don’t
like nuts,” Drew argues.

“Guys, that’s
enough nut talk,” Liz complains as she pours herself another glass of wine from
the bottle in the middle of the table.

“I’M GOING TO
PUT MY NUTS ON ALL OF YOU!” Gavin yells through a mouthful of food.

Carter clamps
his hand over Gavin’s mouth and then leans over to quietly tell him it isn’t
polite to yell at the table.

“So, Claire’s
mom, do you have any good stories to tell us about your little cupcake when she
was growing up?  Any slumber parties with naked pillow fights or lesbian
experimentation?” Drew asks.

“What’s a lez
bean?  Is that like a lima bean?  I don’t like lima beans.  I am NOT going to
eat a lez bean,” Gavin declares.

“Oh, you’ll
change your mind about that someday,” Drew tells him with a wink.

“Gavin, how
about you go pick out a movie, and I’ll put it on in the living room?” Carter
suggests.  He obviously doesn’t want our son learning about the fine art of
carpet munching just yet.

Gavin lets his
fork clamor to his plate, jumps down off of his chair, and takes off running to
the DVD shelf in the living room.

“Sorry, Drew, my
childhood was pretty uneventful,” I tell him, bringing the conversation back to
the original subject.  “No one has anything even remotely interesting to tell,”
I inform him as I hold my glass across the table towards Liz so she can give me
a refill.

My mom nods in
agreement and gives Drew a sad look.

“Unfortunately
she’s right.  Claire was a very boring child.  She liked to read and take
naps.  We used to invent things to do just to mess with her and try to fuck her
up a little bit.  She was entirely too well-rounded.  It was disturbing. 
George, remember that time you had your friend Tim call the house when she was
eight because she wasn’t listening to you?  Didn’t he pretend he was Santa
Clause?”

My dad leans
back in his chair and comes an inch away from sticking his hand in the
waistband of his pants in post-dinner bliss before he realizes he isn’t alone
in his own home.  He quickly switches directions and moves his arm to the back
of Sue’s chair.

“Yep, she was
being a mouthy little shit so I had Tim call and put the fear of Santa into
her,” he says with a chuckle.

“Hey, that
wasn’t funny.  He told me I was a very bad little girl and that he’d been
watching me.  He said he lived in the basement and came up at night to watch me
sleep.  He’s the reason I still take the basement stairs two-at-a-time when I
run up them and why I called America’s Most Wanted when I was nine because
there was some killer on the loose hiding in people’s basements,” I explain. 
“I told them the killer was Santa, that he called me the year before, and that
he was probably still in our basement.”

“I remember that
afternoon.  The police questioned us for two hours so they could make sure we
weren’t harboring a criminal,” my mother states.  “That was such a long, boring
day.”

“No, don’t worry
about me.  I was totally fine,” I deadpan.

“Oh quit your
bitchin’. It wasn’t that bad.  You’re still alive, aren’t you?” my dad asks. 
“And don’t lie, Rachel.  They only questioned us for about thirty seconds. 
Then you asked them if they wanted a joint and all was forgotten.  Cops were
way more fun back then,” he says to the rest of the table.

I turn towards
Carter. “Never, ever ask me again why I am the way I am.  NEVER.  AGAIN,” I
whisper.

“I did walk in
on her playing with her Barbie’s one time, and she had them all undressed,
humping each other.  It was some weird sex circle, and Ken was sitting in the
middle just watching them, fully dressed.  I wanted to light some incense and
set the mood for her, but then I saw she had one of the horses in the circle of
sex and it just got disturbing at that point.  I never knew Barbie was into
bestiality,” my mother states solemnly.

I lean forward
and start banging my head softly on the table.

“Nice!  Getting
freaky with the Barbie dolls.  I like it,” Drew exclaims.

“I think in
honor of this family dinner, we need to remember the best part about our holiday
dinners, Rachel,” my dad tells her with a gleam in his eye.  “Ceiling fan
baseball.”

My parents start
laughing as they remember dinners of the past, and I just continue to bang my
head harder. 

This was
supposed to be a nice, peaceful dinner.

“Oh my God! I
remember ceiling fan baseball from high school!” Liz says excitedly.  “Except
didn’t we play it with tater tots a few times?”

“Yes, we’ve been
known to make substitutions,” my mother states.

“Okay, what the
hell is ceiling fan baseball?  It’s not what I think it is, right?” Drew asks
as he looks back and forth between my parents.  They each look at me
expectantly.  Liz is practically bouncing up and down in her chair in
excitement.

Oh what the
hell.

I roll my eyes
and drain my glass of wine in one gulp, slamming it back to the table with a
thunk.

“Alright, fine. 
Carter, grab the wooden cutting board with the handle.  Liz, put all the extra
rolls on the stove into a basket.  Jim, turn the ceiling fan on low and Drew,
move the table to the side.”

Everyone stares
at me with their mouths open for exactly three seconds, and then they all jump
into action and start gathering supplies.

“I’ll get more
booze!” Jenny announces happily.

“I got the
mashed potatoes,” my dad states casually.

“What do we need
mashed potatoes for?” Carter asks as he walks back into the room with the
cutting board, a.k.a “baseball bat”.

“Claire, this
man is hot as balls but he’s kind of dumb,” my mother says as she pats Carter’s
cheek affectionately.  “The mashed potatoes are the catcher’s mitt.  Duh.”

I think it’s
safe to say that my parents will never understand the whirlwind that is Claire
and her family.  I’m okay with that.  It’s not like I’ve ever been that close
to them anyway.  Their parenting style had always been a bit more standoffish
than most.  I think it’s one of the main reasons I knew I needed to do right by
Claire and Gavin.  I never want my son to feel like there is anything even
remotely more important to me than him.  Don’t get me wrong. My parents are good
people.  They love me and they have done a good job raising me.  They had sent
me to the best schools and had high hopes for my future.  When I dropped out of
college because it bored the shit out of me, they didn’t take it very well. 
They had wanted me to be a doctor or a lawyer and share their country club
membership.  They like things calm, neat, orderly, and pretentious.  They most
definitely aren’t ceiling fan baseball-playing people, and they never will be. 
It had taken them a while to stop trying to fit me into a certain mold and
realize they need to just let me make my own choices and live my own life. 
They had been really excited to find out they were grandparents and I know they
will be good at it.  On the bright side, at least Gavin will have someone in
his life who could teach him how to sit on the board of a company, complain
about paying taxes, and hide money from the government.  Since he already has
people showing him how to swear like a truck driver and throw food at ceiling
fans during dinner, I do believe this will make him the most well-rounded human
being on the planet.

It takes a lot
of explaining and even more wine to get Claire on board with my line of
thinking.  She wants everyone to like her and considers herself a failure
because my parents have only seen her at her worst.  When I tell her that after
twenty-five years
I
have yet to impress my parents and therefore she
shouldn’t let it get to her, she finally relents and decides against writing an
apology note to them in chocolate on their front yard.

After my mother
apologizes for showing up unexpectedly, and Drew throws a wild pitch into the
fan that results in a dinner roll right to her neck, my parents realize the
importance of calling ahead.  They do their best to not make faces as they
tiptoe around clumps of bread that litter the dining room floor to find an
available seat.  My father explains he thought he was coming down with a cold
but after a short nap, he felt much better so they decided to stop by for
dessert.  Claire does her best to stick to the original plan of plying them
with a bunch of alcohol and sweets to suck up to them, but after thirty minutes
of Rachel trying to get my mother to admit she would love to try a threesome
some day and goading my father to confess he dropped acid in the sixties, my
parents decide it's past their bedtime.

After they
leave, everyone helps clean up before they head to their own homes.  When the
last dish is put away and the final crumb is swept from the floor, we finally
have the house all to ourselves and nothing can be heard except the ticking of
the clock in the living room.

I walk into the
kitchen after putting Gavin to bed to find Claire standing in front of the
sink, staring out the window, lost in thought.  I don’t want her to feel guilty
about my parents.  I won’t let them make her feel like anything less than the
amazing woman I know her to be.

I come up behind
her and slide my hands around her waist and clasp them together on top of her
stomach.  I rest my chin on her shoulder, waiting for her to speak.

“So.  This was a
fun day,” she says sarcastically, bringing her hands up to rest on top of mine.

I turn my face
and place a kiss on the side of her neck, inhaling the subtle hint of chocolate
that always lingers on her skin.

“Actually, it
was a very fun day.  I had no idea you ever called America’s Most Wanted,” I
tell her with a smile.  “And that Barbie likes horse cock.  Who knew?”

Her body shakes
with laughter.

“Hey, don’t
judge me.  Ken had underwear that wouldn’t come off.  What’s a girl to do in
that situation?” she asks as she turns into my embrace, slides her arms around
me, and rests her cheek against my chest.  “I was an only child with two crazy
parents.  Unless I wanted to hang out in the basement with my mother and smoke
pot, there wasn’t much else to do other than have Barbie orgies.”