But for some good news: when you simply get started with something, you begin to feel more motivated and find it easier to do what you have to do. This can help end the pattern of continually searching for something that makes you feel more excited instead of just moving forward with a project no matter how you feel.
Do you recognize any of the following signs that you need to work anyway?
• You believe that lack of motivation is a sign you
can’t
work.
• You’ve decided that there’s no use in starting if you don’t have the desire for a project.
• You search for the feeling of wanting to get something done even when you know that lack of motivation is a normal symptom of depression.
• You wait so long to get a good feeling about what you need to do that you never even get started.
If you see your thoughts in any of these, you might be able to use this as your jumping-off point to get started with something.
Alice’s Story
I’ve learned something in the past year. Depression never wants to do anything.
Ever.
I used to wonder why everything seemed so impossible. I saw other people get excited about their work and just assumed they were in the right profession and I wasn’t.
I’ve always loved to paint. When I got depressed in the past, I would quit painting entirely. There were no ideas and I had no desire to get started on anything. I was sure my work would never be as good simply because I didn’t enjoy it as much. I used to feel totally blank when I knew I had to create something. I missed a lot of years because of this. I think of all of the wonderful art I could have now. It’s sad.
One day a friend asked me something interesting: “Alice, have you ever painted something when you were depressed?” “Yes,” I said. “And is the work as good as the work you do when you’re well?” I thought about it and realized that in terms of the work itself, I couldn’t tell the difference between my well work and my depressed work. Then she said, “The problem isn’t your ability to work; the problem is that you want to feel excited about the work before you start.”
She was totally right. Instead of focusing on the art and what it would look like when it was done, I focused on the upfront feeling that I couldn’t do something because I was lacking so much of the desire I usually felt. I now paint no matter how much I feel. I cry a lot while I’m painting sometimes, but that’s fine.
My Story
I’ve always thought motivation was the reason people got things done better than I did. I remember going into a project with a small desire to finally get something done. That lasted for a while and then I would suddenly feel that desire slip away, and only a feeling of hopelessness would remain. So I constantly quit things and tried something else. I changed jobs, put off cleaning my house, stopped calling friends, and everything else that
felt
impossible.
Today, for example, I make myself pick up the phone when I’m depressed, even when something that simple feels impossible. I’m so thankful for the days I do feel motivated—they’re like a gift. I can’t stress enough the fact that I no longer wait until the days when life is more normal and I do feel motivated. I would
never
get anything done if I did that. I’m often amazed at how much I enjoy the work once I get started.
What I do now:
• After years of waiting for the elusive good feeling that comes with wanting to do something, I finally accepted the fact that I’ve never wanted to do certain things when I’m depressed and I never will. So I try to do them anyway.
• I focus on the outcome instead of how I feel when I start.
• I ask myself,
How will I feel when I go to bed if I don’t do something?
• I know there will be many days when the depression is stronger than I am. I keep going anyway and wait for the wonderful feeling of motivation to finally show up. If it never does, at least I have accomplished something.
Exercise
Look over the following statements and decide if they are true or false:
• When you’re depressed, you can only get things done when you get the feeling that the time is right.
• You have to know what you want before you can go for it.
• When there’s no motivation, there’s no way to move forward.
• Other people have more motivation, which is why they can do more than you can.
• Not wanting to do something is a sign that you need to do something different.
How many of these statements do you think are true? You might be surprised to learn that they’re
all false.
You’ll always want to feel desire, motivation, joy, and a sense of accomplishment when you do a project, but the reality is that this might never happen when you’re depressed. You just have to do the work anyway.
Why do so many people wait to do something until they feel like doing something and then feel really terrible when they don’t get anything done?
Lots of life’s tasks aren’t especially rewarding. They’re tedious or difficult, and most people motivate themselves to do these things by consciously anticipating how they’ll feel when the task is accomplished. These people are able to internally generate the drive and energy to get started.
Depressed people, on the other hand, find it very hard to ignite this self-generated action due, in large part, to decreased metabolic functioning in the frontal lobes of their brain, which are responsible for initiating behavior. So if a person waits to feel the desire to get started, he or she might wait a long time and not only
not
accomplish the nonrewarding tasks but also miss out on the big projects that can bring big rewards.
You Have More Control Than You Think
You can create a feeling of motivation and desire to do something by starting it first and then waiting for the feelings to arrive—and they often do. Of all the strategies in this book, this one might be the most important in terms of getting started with a project. This strategy can form a foundation for you to get things done when you’re depressed.
Here are some other thoughts to consider:
• Accept that motivation may never come when you’re depressed, but you can do the work anyway.
• Keep working until you do feel even a small sense of accomplishment, and hold on to that as you finish a project.
• Work no matter what so you can go to bed with a sense of accomplishment.
• Remember, lack of motivation and desire are a very normal part of depression.
• Start, start, start. The motivation often shows up.
Remember:
Depression doesn’t want to do anything and never will. It’s an inert illness, not an active illness. If you wait until you “feel like it” to start something, you’ll wait forever!
2
Focus Outwardly
Depression is a very selfish illness that makes you focus internally all the time. Everything is about
you,
whether you want it to be or not—
your
rotten feelings,
your
bad thoughts,
your
inferior performance. This is a natural and unfortunate part of depression, and it’s very counterproductive to getting things done. Projects at work and at home often involve collaboration, and when you’re focused on what
you
feel and what
you’re
doing wrong, it’s very frustrating for the people you’re with, who might see you as a burden or too annoying to work with.
This is especially true if you’re lethargic
and
very negative. When you’re depressed, it’s hard to take interest in what’s going on around you, which further isolates you from the people in your life who might be able to help you get things done if you weren’t so difficult to be around. This can happen with work, family, friends, and any other situation where you have to work with others. And it has to be noticed and stopped, or it can severely limit your work and social relationships.
Change Starts with You
By recognizing negative, internal, annoying, or whiny behavior in yourself, you can use that self-knowledge to make a change for the better. You
can
be depressed and be nice. You
can
be depressed and think of others. In fact, when you stop the negative behavior your depression is causing, you might be more honest with the people in your life, especially your co-workers, and ask for their help to keep you on a positive track.
Focusing on things outside yourself can be very difficult, and you might easily find yourself getting caught in the web of negative internal dialogue and lack of consciousness. The more you listen to what you say and realize what you do when you’re depressed, the easier it will be for you to look around you and become a positive and productive part of the world again, even when you’re depressed.
Do you recognize any of the following selfish behaviors you engage in when you’re depressed?
• You constantly focus on depression even when things around you are positive.
• You’re unable to notice what’s going on around you to the point that you miss seeing when other people are upset.
• You neglect others, including your family, to dwell on your depression.
• Others regard you as selfish, annoying, and constantly complaining.
Recognition is the first and most powerful step. When you catch yourself focusing inwardly, you can open up and make different behavioral choices.
Kate’s Story
I used to have a very bad reputation at work. When I felt down, I let people know how unhappy I was. I didn’t realize it was depression, and I certainly didn’t see the pattern of my selfishness. I would get to work and just be so low that I felt I couldn’t get out of my chair. I literally couldn’t get out of my head and how terrible I felt. People started to avoid me, and I know they thought I was Jekyll and Hyde. On some days I could be outgoing and participate, and on others, I was like a selfish little baby.
One day, a co-worker who was obviously very frustrated (or very compassionate) came into my office and told me she’d had enough of my moping. I’m not kidding. I started to cry and told her I was having trouble with depression. I’m lucky because she understood. She said, “I have tough days, too, but I always have to remember I’m part of a group. I always think of the group on my bad days.”
This was good advice. When I’m mildly depressed, which is often, I think of the group instead of staying in my head and feeling sorry for myself.
My Story
I once had a therapist tell me I was the most selfish depressed person she had met in a long time. This was a therapist I knew very well and greatly respected, so I was understandably shocked and very upset at first. I went home and cried—a lot. I thought,
But I’m depressed all the time. I can’t help it! I can’t do anything about it!
I was at a point in my life when my sitting around crying and not being able to even get out of the house had gone on long enough. I really thought about what she said. If it was true—and I realized it was—how was it affecting my ability to do what I wanted in life? Was I really that selfish? I thought about how I talked with others and how well I was doing at my part-time job, and I was pretty appalled. I talked about my health a lot and often had trouble doing my work.
I knew that wanting to change was a good start. I tried to be more aware of how I fit in with people at my job. I just did things instead of having a running commentary about them. People noticed. It was a relief for me because I could focus on helping my depression instead of wallowing in it. This helped my work, too.
What I do now:
• I’m very, very aware of how negative I used to be, and now I don’t let it go very far. If it does, I always say, “I’m sorry. I’m feeling very negative today, and I don’t want to take it out on you!” This always works and helps me calm down.
• When depression makes me feel completely isolated and lonely, I know it’s not always as real as it seems. I try not to let myself really go inward and write in my journal all night about how sick I am. Instead, I call someone and try to connect with the outside world.
• I’m truly aware of how my behavior affects others and how my words add to a conversation. I want what I say and do to reflect who I am, not what depression makes me seem. I look for signals that I’m not exactly being pleasant.
Exercise
Read over the following prompts and answer in terms of how well you got things done this week. If that wasn’t an issue, answer about your behavior in general.
List five things you did this week that were selfish, inward thinking, and possibly annoying to others because you were depressed:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
List five things you did this week that helped others, added to a conversation, or made someone feel good:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Your goal is to have more entries in the positive section, even when you’re depressed. That’s true for this week, and next week, and for the rest of your life.
Why is depression so selfish?
Any kind of intensely painful experience causes people to become more self-centered (at least temporarily). This is true for high states of emotional distress as well as for physical pain. It’s hard to worry about starving children in Africa when you feel like your whole world is crumbling. Plus, talking (sharing, feeling understood, being cared about) feels comforting, even when the feelings are very negative. The need for the depressed person to process experiences and have people show concern for them likely underlies some of this tendency. Finally, some of the cognitive changes that occur with depression freeze people in the moment; it’s what some have called a loss of temporal perspective. As a result, people are focused on the emotions of the moment and are less able to back off from it and see a broader perspective. In other words, it might be harder for depressed people to see the world around them.