Glass Hearts (14 page)

It seems like it gets a little hotter every day here in the city. There are families playing in the small park across the street who look so happy and content. I will always wish I’d grown up in that type of environment, but if I couldn’t have it then, at least I have it now. A few months ago, I would have said I never wanted children, but now I can see them in my future. Not anytime soon, but someday. The thought of putting a smile on my own child’s face, watching them run around excitedly, makes me want it. I once thought I would instantly turn into my parents when I had children of my own, but I realize now I have more control than I was giving myself credit for.

We head into the studio and get lost in our artwork. Dane goes to one side to work on a new sculpture while I go the side closest to the window to paint. He put a rug on the floor when I explained to him that I prefer to paint barefoot. I don’t know why, but I like to feel free when I paint.

This morning when I woke up, Dane had one shoulder resting against the wall, staring out the window. He had a cup of coffee in one hand, and the other was crossed over his stomach. He looked gorgeous and thoughtful. I could have stayed there staring at him for hours, but I only gave him a few minutes before wrapping my arms around him. He startled before covering my hand with his. I love moments like those, where we connect with no words. I burned the image of him into my mind, and now I’m putting it on canvas. We always have our memories, but they tend to fade with time; I wanted to lock this one up forever.

I decide to set my current piece on hold for a little bit and work at painting Dane as he sculpts. I start with his profile before putting his surroundings in the background. I glance in his direction to make sure I have his facial features just right, but I can’t take my eyes off his arms as they flex with each pass of his tools. He has an intense look on his face; brows furrowed, and eyes focused. I’m pretty sure I could strip naked and walk past him right now, and he wouldn’t notice.

I work quickly, not leaving out a single detail, including the tattoos on his forearms. When I’m done, I step back and smile; it turned out better than I expected. I decide to keep it a secret and give it to him on his birthday, which is coming up next month.

I remember the day in his mom’s apartment when he mentioned that he had no photos of himself after Jenna died. I want to give him images that will hold his memories. I want him to see how I see him.

I turn it towards the wall so that he won’t see it when we leave, and glance at my watch. It’s almost five, and his mom is coming over at six. “We should probably get going. Your mom is going to be over in an hour,” I say, louder than is probably necessary, but he’s deep in concentration.

“What?” he answers, wiping his forearm over his forehead. It’s no wonder he stays in such great shape; sculpting is a real workout.

“We need to go. Your mom will be over soon,” I repeat, slipping my shoes back on my feet.

“Oh yeah, sorry, I lost track of time,” he says, taking off his gloves and wiping his hands on his pants.

“I could tell. You’re kind of cute when you work,” I tease. I don’t know who I’m kidding…Dane is cute no matter what he does.

“I know,” he says, walking over to me. I lick my lower lip, drawing his attention to my mouth.

He leans in to kiss me, but I intercept, placing my finger over his lips. “We need to go.”

“I just want one kiss,” he mutters against my finger.

I laugh. “Nothing with you is just a kiss,” I say, biting my lip.

“Quit doing that with your lips, or I’m going to have no choice but to fuck you.” I continue to work my lower lip between my teeth until he rubs his thumb along the side of my face. I don’t have time to react before his lips are on mine, but then they’re gone before I even get a taste.

“Hey, what was that?” I ask. I watch him grab the broom to sweep up some of the metal shards that have fallen on the floor.

“You’re the one who said we didn’t have time. I just stole a little kiss to tide me over,” he smiles. My lips instantly turn up; I can’t help it. This guy definitely keeps me on my toes and makes my days interesting.

When we get back to our apartment, Dane begins supper while I take a quick shower. I’m feeling refreshed and energized after my day of doing what I love with the guy I love. I throw on a knee length yellow sundress and braid my hair over my shoulder. Janet will be here any minute, and I’m starting to feel like I can’t breathe. The last dinner didn’t go well at all, so I have no idea what to expect tonight, and she’s coming here which means we can’t just leave if things start going downhill.

The place smells amazing when I step out of the bedroom. Dane likes to eat, and he sure knows how to cook. I asked him about it one time and he told me he used to cook for Nolan when they were younger. I know his childhood was hard, but I wish he would talk about it more. Every time I try, he looks away like there is some type of shame in it. “What are you making?” I ask, wrapping my arms around him.

“Chicken Stir Fry,” he says, popping a pepper slice into his mouth.

“It smells amazing.” He rests his hand on top of mine as he uses his other one to stir the vegetables. His heart beats rapidly against my hand, telling me he is just as nervous as I am. I press my cheek against his back and inhale his clean scent; it instantly calms me. I know that whatever happens, we’re in it together.

The buzzer rings and I let go of Dane to answer it. “You stay here and finish supper. I’ll let her in,” I say, leaning up to kiss his cheek.

“Okay.”

My palms are sweaty as I walk to the buzzer to let Janet in. I wipe them on my skirt before I move to open the door for her. I take a deep cleansing breath and put a smile on my face.

As soon as she sees me, a smile lights up her face. This is a good start, I think. “I’m glad you could make it,” I say, reaching my hand out to her. She accepts it right away, grasping it tightly.

“Thanks for having me. I’m so happy to see you again. I didn’t know if we were ever going to see you again,” she replies, concern flashing through her smile.

I feel my blood rush to my face. At least she wanted me back in Dane’s life. I never considered when I came back that there might be people out there who don’t want us back together, besides my parents. Not that it matters to us.

“Yeah, I’m back,” I say, shyly.

We stare at each other for a bit, frozen in place. Neither of us seems to know what to say or where to go from here. I don’t know if she’s judging me, or sizing me up, or waiting for me to say something else, so I just step back and motion her to come in.

Dane pops his head around the corner, breaking the awkwardness between us. “Hey, Mom. Come on in and see if this tastes okay.”

His eyes meet mine and he winks, easing some of the tension in my body. I follow Janet to the kitchen, making sure to stay back a little bit so they can have their moment. I watch Dane’s hand shake slightly as he lifts a spoon to her lips, and I can’t help the tears that well in my eyes. I watch him, watching her. He’s a man now, but he wants his mother’s approval…he probably hasn’t felt it before.

“Oh, Dane, that’s delicious,” she gushes. I can tell by the way she closes her eyes as she savors it that she means it.

“It’s done. Should we eat?” Dane asks, clapping his hands together.

“I’m starving,” I reply, reminding them that I’m still here. “Why don’t you two go sit down and I’ll bring the food out.” I want to make sure they get some one on one time, so while they sit at the table, I take my time plating the food. I grab three cups of water and bring them to the table first. I’m not sure what is being said, but it ends as soon as they see me. All of a sudden I feel out of place and wonder if I should have let them have dinner alone, just the two of them.

I retreat back to the kitchen, brace my hands on the counter, and take a couple of deep breaths. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to do this family thing without going into panic mode. I hate that it happens to me, but I don’t know how to fight it.

“Hey, what’s taking you so long? Do you need some help?” Dane asks, walking into the kitchen. I push away from the counter and try to regain my composure.

“I just wanted to give you guys some time. It looked like you needed it.”

I turn to grab the plates off the counter, but Dane places a hand on each side of me, caging me in. I can feel his body against mine, his breath on my neck. “Stop,” he whispers. His voice makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up.

I lean forward, getting some space for myself. Sometimes he’s so intense, and I’m still not used to it. “But you haven’t seen her in two months, and I’m not sure she likes me,” I say softly so that she doesn’t hear me in the other room.

He leans forward, erasing all the space I gained. “I need you here,” he whispers, his hot breath hitting my ear.

I nod. I know he does. I would need him if I had to have dinner with my parents right now. He made it through a whole weekend with my parents without a single bruise; I think I can make it through one dinner.

He turns me around, pressing a light kiss on my lips. “She loves you, by the way.” He doesn’t wait for my reply, but his touch and the soothing tone of his voice calm me. He grabs two plates and heads out of the kitchen. I stare at his back before I finally shake my thoughts and follow him with the other plate.

Dinner is pleasant. We talk about Dane’s latest projects while his mother and I beam at him. We’re both proud of what he’s become. She has a hard time saying it, but I can see it written all over her face. She asks me some questions about what I want to do after college. It feels nice to tell someone other than Dane and Jade about my dreams. She doesn’t judge, in fact, she has a look of awe on her face. I can see why Dane let her back in his life when she got herself on the straight and narrow; she has some good things to offer. She obviously cares about him, and loves him for who he is.

After dinner, we all sit in the living area and Dane puts on some music. “Do you want any coffee?” he asks. We both nod and watch him work his way back to the kitchen. We had time to break the ice over dinner and things don’t feel quite as awkward anymore.

“Have you heard from Nolan?” I ask her. I’m not sure why, but it’s all I can think of. I know he calls Dane every couple days, so I assumed he had reached out to her too.

She shakes her head and stares out the window. “I like the city at night,” she says softly. She seems distant and lost all of a sudden. She doesn’t like talking or hearing about problems. She prefers to pretend like they don’t exist.

“Is everything okay?” I ask. I hate watching someone looks so pained.

She takes a deep breath and closes her eyes. I’m making her uncomfortable. I should stop, but for some reason I can’t. I wished for so long that someone would just listen to me, or ask me what’s wrong, and I want to try and be that person for her…if that’s what she needs.

“I should probably go. It’s been a long day, and I’m tired.” She stands, putting her purse over her shoulder.

“Wait, don’t go. Dane’s making coffee,” I say, standing up to face her. She looks uneasy, shuffling her feet, looking everywhere but at me. “He needs you, you know. He may be a man now, but everyone needs their mom.”

Her head snaps in my direction like I’ve shocked her, or said something she wasn’t expecting. “I feel responsible for everything my boys have gone through, don’t you get that?” she yells, her lower lip quivering.

I replay everything that happened in my head as Dane rushes out of the kitchen. “Hey, what’s going on in here?” His brows are furrowed as he glances between the two of us.

The last few minutes replay in my head. I asked about Nolan, and it led to this. I feel frustration rushing through my body as I start pacing back and forth, trying to think of something to say that will move us forward and not push us another step back.

“I need to go,” Janet says, walking toward Dane. “Thank you for dinner.” She doesn’t bother looking at me again as she quickly walks out the door.

“Wait, Mom-” Dane rushes after her, but she’s gone. My heart is breaking for him, for her, for all of them. I thought I was helping by talking to her, but I think I made it worse. Dane can’t hold the whole family up forever; someday he has to see that.

Dane is standing in front of the door, lightly tapping his head against it with his hands fisted at his sides. I don’t know if I should go to him, or leave him for a few minutes.

“Dane,” I say softly. “Are you okay?” I hold my breath as I wait for him to say something. Anything.

“I think you did enough tonight. Can you just leave me alone for a few minutes?” he spits. His voice is full of venom and tears instantly sting my eyes. I’m not used to this side of Dane and his words hit me like a slap on the face.

I back up toward the bedroom, quietly closing the door behind me. I lean my head against the door as the first tear rolls down my cheek. I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to help him when I don’t know how to fix all of my own family problems.

I quietly change into a t-shirt and brush my teeth before crawling into bed. I haven’t fallen asleep in Dane’s bed without Dane since I moved into his apartment. It feels cold in here without his arms wrapped around me, and I feel hollow inside without his lips near my ear, whispering “I love you” right before I fall asleep. I sob quietly into my pillow, thinking about what I should have done differently. I either seem to let things go, or I push too far. I just want to make things better, for both of us.

My body is still shaking, and my pillow is soaked when I feel a hand on my hip. I glance up through the darkness to see Dane’s outline, perched above me. He face contorts in pain. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped at you,” he says, reaching up to wipe my tear stained cheeks.

“I didn’t mean for her to leave. I didn’t. I was just trying to help.”

“I know. I just lost it,” he says, placing his finger under my chin to tilt my head toward his. “I’m sorry,” he repeats. I can see in his eyes that he means it

“I asked her about Nolan,” I admit. “I just want her to be there for him, you know?”