Glass Hearts (15 page)

He sighs, pulling me close to his body. “I know. I want that too, but it’s hard for her. She sees our failures as her own.”

“Will your family dinners always be like this?” I ask.

I feel his chest move against my back as a soft laugh escapes his body. “God, I hope not.”

We lay quietly and eventually I hear Dane’s breathing even out. I’m tired too, but I can’t stop thinking about how messed up our families are. Some people use their childhoods as an excuse to become nothing, to live on the edge of morality, but Dane uses it as motivation to excel. He’s a better man because of the scars he wears on his heart.

One really quick way to make yourself feel like shit is to make the woman you love cry. I didn’t mean to snap at her last night, but I was frustrated when my mom left and took it out on her. My mom always runs away, but Alex proved that she would stay by my side even when things get tough. Why should she be punished for that?

Truth is, I’m used to being left alone. I’m used to facing everything myself. But now I have Alex, and for whatever reason, she sticks with me even when I push her away. God, I don’t deserve her.

When I calmed down enough to go to bed last night, I didn’t expect to see her body shaking under the covers. She was there, on my bed, head resting on a tear stained pillow. It felt like I had two hands wrapped around my heart squeezing the life out of me when I climbed in as close as I thought she would let me get. I hated myself; I’m just lucky her love runs deeper than my anger.

Today I want to do something fun to wash away the memory of last night. Art became a way for me to express myself after I cleaned myself up and got my shit together. Drugs were a way for me to bury my emotions, and those emotions didn’t go away just because I was sober. My counselor at rehab used to tell me over and over that I needed to find a way to express my feelings so that I wouldn’t be tempted to go back to drugs every time something pissed me off. He asked what I was good at, and I told him I can see the beauty in things that other people can’t.

One day as part of my therapy, he brought me to an art show in the city…coincidently in the same park that Alex had her first art show. There was a guy who was doing some sculpting with a crowd surrounding him. I watched him work, sweeping over the metal with tools in his hands. I was obsessed and immediately asked him if he could show me how to do it when he took his next break. I haven’t stopped since. It defines, cleanses and centers me. It’s who I am.

Tattoos are a form of art in my eyes. Some people see them as an act of defiance or rebellion, but to those who get them, they’re a form of expression and remembrance. All of mine mean something to me. Some are there to remind me of things, or people who I never want to forget. Some are there to fill up the space between, but I picked them because of their design and beauty.

I want to take the certificate Alex gave me for Valentines and permanently bind myself to her. Even if we aren’t together forever, which I’m damn well going to make sure we are, she’ll always mean something to me, and I’ll always carry her with me.

The door clicks open, and I turn my attention away from the window to watch her walk in. She just got back from a run and is wearing only tight running pants and a tank top; practical running wear, but it doesn’t leave much to the imagination. Not that I need one. Her forehead is lined in sweat and a few loose stands from her ponytail curl around her face. She’s sexy as hell right now.

“How was your run?” I ask, stepping toward her.

“It’s brutal out there. I can’t believe this humidity,” she replies, bending down to stretch her legs. She has the most toned, sexy legs; it’s hard not to just stand here and stare at them all day. I could run my hands up and down them all night long.

“I want to do something different today. Are you up for it?” I ask. My eyes move up from her legs to watch lines of sweat roll down her face.

Her lips turn up, and I know she’s thinking all the things I would be thinking if she said those exact words to me. “And what do you want to do?” she asks, smiling at me.

“Probably not what you’re thinking…I want to get some new ink. I haven’t used the gift certificate you gave me for Valentines yet.”

“I want to get one too,” she says, biting her lower lip. I’m a little taken back by her comment. Don’t get me wrong, I think my girl would look smoking hot with a tattoo, but I never imagined she would actually get one.

“Seriously?” I ask, raising an eyebrow at her.

She shrugs. “Yeah, why not?

“I think it’s a great idea, actually.”

“I’m going to go jump in the shower, and then we can go,” she says before skipping off to the bedroom.

I know exactly what I’m going to get, and I hope it doesn’t freak her out. I want it someplace where everyone can see how much she means to me. She belongs to me, and I belong to her.

We stop at a little café to grab some lunch before heading to the tattoo shop. She kept picking at her food and I could tell she was nervous about our next stop by the way her knee kept bouncing up and hitting the table. I was about to tell her she didn’t have to get one if she didn’t want to, but then I remembered that it was completely her idea. I’m not going to try to sway Alex the way she was for so many years by her parents. She’s a big girl who can make her own decisions.

She grips my hand tightly as we make our way from the café to the tattoo shop. At one point, I use our joined hands to pull her toward me and kiss her temple. She finally shoots me the smile I’ve been missing since we left the apartment, but she doesn’t ease up on my hand.

When we reach the door, she releases me just long enough to open the door. The two guys that work here are like soft teddy bears on the inside, but on the outside, they look a little intimidating. Each of them is completely covered in tattoos, and when I say completely, I mean up to their necks. The place is clean with the chairs set up in the back and a sitting area in the front. The walls are covered in images of tattoos, and I watch as Alex takes it all in, eyes widening. I can tell by the way her free hand is fingering her necklace that she is scared shitless, but I keep quiet, determined to let her make her own decisions.

“Yo, Dane, what can we do for you today?” Joe yells from the back. Yeah, I’ve been here a few times.

“Hey, Joe, what’s up? I’m here for some new ink,” I yell back. I watch his eyes lock on Alex and he smiles. I know exactly what he’s thinking: tattoo virgin. I swear these guys get off on that. They think they can addict them and they’ll keep coming back for more…usually it’s true.

“Who’s the little lady?”

“This is my girlfriend, Alex. She’s looking to get her first piece of ink today,” I reply. Joe’s still drinking in my girl in her little cutoff shorts. I wish she wouldn’t wear them out of the house, but he’s harmless.

“Well, go tell Tammy over there what you want and we’ll call you in just a few minutes,” he smiles. He nods at Alex who just stands there with her mouth half hanging open. I follow the path of her eyes and realize she’s watching Mike, the other artist, work on some guy’s arm. It looks pretty painful because he’s getting the whole thing filled in with color. That shit hurts.

Tammy is a forty something blonde whose hair and wardrobe are a work of the early 1990’s. She’s nice enough, and the woman can sketch. She smiles at us as we approach her.

She asks what I want, and I look hesitantly at Alex before I explain it. She’s glancing around with her eyebrows squeezed together, but the minute I tell Tammy what I want Alex’s gaze fixes on me. Her mouth hangs open, and she has a dazed look on her face. Suddenly, I’m not so sure about this. I can’t tell if she’s good shocked, or a bad shocked. “If you don’t want me to do this, tell me and I can wait,” I say softly, hoping that Tammy won’t hear.

It’s like I’m asking for marriage. It’s like I’m asking for forever. In a way, I am. I’m permanently attaching myself to her. There isn’t anyone else for me, and I know that. I just hope I’m not telling her too much, too soon.

She shakes her head. “I’m just shocked. I’m sorry. It’s permanent you know.”

“I know. And you’re permanently in my heart, so you might as well be everywhere else,” I whisper, leaning down to kiss the tip of her nose.

She smiles up at me and I feel all the tension leaving my body. “Well, I’m not going to tell you what I’m getting. I want it to be a surprise.”

“I like surprises,” I say, teasingly. She smacks my arm right as I’m called back to sit in Joey’s chair. I wink at her before I walk away, leaving her standing there, still fingering her necklace.

Not long after, Alex is called to Mike’s chair. I feel a little guilty that I won’t be sitting next to her for her first tattoo experience, but she said she wants to surprise me, so I’m going to let her surprise me.

I close my eyes and let Joey go to work on both my wrists. It hurts like hell, but I squeeze my eyes shut and try to think of anything but the pain. Before I know it, he’s done, and when I look down, I’m impressed. It turned out even better than I imagined.

Joey bandages me up and I walk over toward Alex to see how she’s doing. “No, don’t come over here!” she shouts as soon as she sees me. She must have seen the disappointment on my face, “I want it to be a surprise,” she adds, softening her voice.

She’s being ridiculous. I just want to make sure she’s doing okay. I sit in one of the seats towards the front and chat with Tammy while I wait. It seems like hours tick by before Alex makes her way to join me. Surprisingly, she’s wearing a huge smile on her face like a thirteen-year-old girl who just saw Justin Bieber walking down the street. “Can I see it now?” I ask, standing to meet her halfway. I notice her hands are both behind her back as she sways back and forth on the ball of her feet.

“I don’t know if I can take off the bandage,” she says, glancing over at Tammy who has a knowing grin on her face. Okay, now this is really going to drive me crazy if I don’t see her tattoos soon.

“Here, I can help you,” Mike says, coming to join us.

“Okay,” Alex mumbles, bringing her hands from her back. Both her wrists are bandaged, just like mine.

Mike carefully works at removing the bandage as I watch Alex take some deep breaths. When he finally starts to peel it away, she stops him. “Wait,” she says, looking up at him. She looks back in my direction. “I just want to say I love you,” she says.

Now I’m really fucking nervous. He pulls back the bandage revealing an “I Am His” tattoo on her right wrist. I inhale a sharp breath. I can’t believe she did this for me. I rub my left wrist, thinking about the “I Am Hers” tattoo that Joey just completed. Mike slowly pulls back the bandage on the other wrist to reveal my name. I know grown men aren’t supposed to cry, but it’s really hard to stand here and keep it all in. I swallow down my emotions the best I can while I think of the Alex tattoo I just completed on my right wrist. “We should have coordinated this better so that we had them on the appropriate wrists,” I finally say, breaking the silence.

“I did it on purpose. When you hold my right hand in your left, we will belong to each other. When you hold my left in your right, our names will touch.”

This girl is so freaking perfect. I want to take her home right now and show her exactly how perfect I think she is. “Let’s go,” I say, nodding toward the door.

She nods and smiles.

Mike clears his throat beside us. “You need to pay for those,” he says, shaking his head. Yeah, he doesn’t get it; if he had a girl like mine, he wouldn’t want to waste another minute, either.

I quickly pay, handing over my certificate and Saturday’s tip money, before practically dragging Alex home to show her exactly what she does for me.

Jade is coming into town for the night, and I can’t wait to show her what I’ve been up to, especially the tattoos Dane and I got earlier in the week. I talk to her almost every day, but I miss my friend. Dane filled a hole that had been inside me since the day I was born, but Jade was the one who started to repair it in the first place. She showed me how to live life by doing more than just breathing in the air and drinking the water on someone else’s schedule. I hope to return the favor someday.