Glass Hearts (21 page)

“How are you feeling?” Jade asks, lying next to me in her guest bed. The minute she picked me up at the train station yesterday, I crumbled. I thought when I decided to stop running from Dane nothing would come between us. I guess I was wrong.

The look on his face when he walked into Reid’s office burns in my mind. Every day, I try to capture a moment to paint later, but this one I wanted to forget. I swear if putting that face on canvas and then painting it over in black would make it go away, I would. Life’s not that simple, though. Life was so much easier when I didn’t feel, but now that I can, it’s a constant up and down. I never know how many bumps and turns my daily ride is going to take.

“I’m exhausted,” I say honestly. I cried so much when he asked me to leave, then the whole way here in the train, and then in bed after Jade tucked me in. I’m surprised I even have the ability to cry anymore.

“I’m sure he’ll call soon and tell you he messed up, and that he wants you to come home,” she says, combing her fingers through my hair. His face flashes through my mind again, and I want to tell her she’s wrong, but it would kill the last bit of hope I have left in my heart.

We lay wrapped up in our own thoughts for several minutes. I don’t know where to go from here. I think back to this time last year, when I was just getting ready to leave for college. So much has changed. I met Jade, and she opened my eyes to things I had never seen before. She taught me that life’s too short to follow someone else’s dream. She taught me what having someone care about me feels like, no matter what I’ve done

This time last year, Ryan was a pivotal part of who I was. He was a symbol of what my parents wanted for me. A symbol of what I was willing to sacrifice to make everyone happy, and now he’s back where he belonged from the beginning...as my friend. We don’t talk often, but he does text every now and then.

And finally, there’s Dane. I’ve known him for seven months now, and they’ve been the craziest seven months of my life. I spent so much time fighting myself, fighting him, and now he’s fighting himself. Even if he isn’t where my story ends, he will always be an important piece of me. He breathed life into me, and somehow I did the same for him.

The tears start flowing freely again. What if we’ve shared our last kiss? What if I never sleep in his bed again? I can’t even go there right now. A part of me wants to find Reid and yell at him until I feel nothing, but he’s not the problem. The problem is Dane and his lingering doubts that we’re not meant to be.

“Do you want to go sit by the pool for awhile?” Jade asks, pulling me away from my thoughts.

I shake my head. The pool is the last place I want to hang out right now. There are always happy couples down there, and I don’t want to be around them.

“How about the Summer Fest? We can go get some fattening food, eat until we don’t feel good, then come home and go to bed. How does that sound?”

“I’d rather not be around people,” I say, pulling my knees into my chest.

“Come on. You need to get out of here for awhile.” She pats me on the knee and waits for me to sit up. I do it, not because I want to, but because I know she won’t leave me alone until I do.

In my rush to leave the apartment yesterday, I barely grabbed anything. I have a backpack with some pajamas, one set of clothes, and a toothbrush. Jade takes one look at the items on the bed and hops off to her room to grab me an emerald green maxi dress. I could care less what I look like today, but I put it on to appease her and the rest of the people in the Hamptons. My hair is a mess because I took a shower right before bed last night. I pull it up into a tight bun, deciding against makeup.

We hop into Jade’s car and head toward the festival. I roll my window down to let the fresh air hit my face in an attempt to relax and clear my head. I think about sending Dane another quick text, but decide against it. I know he’s upset and the only thing that’s going to fix it is time.

I should call Gwen and talk to her about Reid, but I need to calm down first. Everything makes sense now, but I want to know more. Why did they end? Was he her first love?

“We’re here,” Jade announces, putting the car in park.

I look around at all the people walking around and take a few deep breaths to relax myself. “Okay, I’m ready,” I say, reaching for the door handle.

“Hey, if you want to leave, just tell me, and we’ll go,” she says, concern written all over her face.

“Let’s hit up the food tents and we’ll go from there.”

We start with crab cakes, followed by fried shrimp and cheese tartlets. My stomach is about to explode, but that doesn’t stop me from going to the gelato stand. I feel better, at least temporarily because the pain in my heart has been replaced by pain in my stomach. We move to the beach to listen to some live music. Jade lays a fleece blanket down and I lay with my hands tucked under my head. The soft jazz music runs through my body, allowing my mind to run free. I start to drift to sleep when I remember something Dane said to me a while back.

“Happiness isn’t something you just find yourself; someone has to breathe it into you. That’s why people who are lonely never seem happy.”

And he accomplished that a long time ago, but he didn’t realize he also had the ability to take it all away.

Dane and I have both grown up. We were broken and damaged, but now we’re slowly allowing ourselves to see the world differently. It’s just hard to keep going when we constantly take a step backward.

When my parents gave me the ultimatum when we were in Greenwich, I backed down too easily. I wasn’t thinking about how it affected me, but I was thinking about how my actions affected them. I knew it would hurt Dane, but I did it anyway. Now it’s Dane’s turn to push me away, to cut me deep. I should be angry with him for not trusting me, but I know I’m a contributor to his doubts. I haven’t always been there when I should have been. Sometimes I think he’s just waiting for me to leave him again. If we get another chance, I plan on spending every day showing him we belong and convincing him that we have to work harder to keep everything together.

“Alexandra Riley, is that you?” My heart starts to beat out of my chest as I slowly open my eyes to see my mother standing in front of me. What is she doing here?

I shield my eyes from the sun with my hand as I glance up at my mother, who looks impeccable as always. She has a navy one-piece swimsuit covered by an expensive red silk sarong. Her eyes are covered with her favorite Dior sunglasses, but I can tell she’s judging me behind the tinted shades.

“Are you going to say something, or are you just going to stare at me?” she smiles, taking in the length of my body.

“I don’t really have anything to say to you,” I say, sitting up on my elbows.

Jade, who had been sleeping beside me, wakes and looks up as I watch her eyes double in size. “Shit,” she mutters under her breath.

My mom removes her sunglasses and visibly rolls her eyes at Jade before returning her attention to me. “Are you ready to come home yet, Alexandra? You look awful, but I see you’ve lost weight which looks really good on you.”

I want to stand up and scream at her, but I know it’s pointless. She’s the most vile, selfish human being, and I’ll work the rest of my life to make sure I’m nothing like her. I can’t blame her for what I did to Dane…I had a choice, and it took me too long to make the right one, but I can blame her for almost ruining me.

“I’m fine. Jade and I were trying to relax, so if you don’t have anything else to say, I suggest you leave.”

A smile curves on her bright red lips. “Where’s that boy you’re so madly in love with that you disowned your family? Trouble in paradise already?”

It’s none of her business, and I’m not going to pleasure her by telling her what happened. She lost that privilege the minute she gave me the ultimatum…not that she ever cared.

“He’s at home. It’s girls’ weekend,” I reply.

She gives me a knowing grin, placing her sunglasses back over her eyes. “Of course. That’s why your eyes are puffy like you’ve been crying. Well, dear, I hope everything works out for you. Just remember, you chose this.”

“And I’ll never regret that I did,” I mumble as she walks away. She glances back at me, and I wonder if she heard me. I look away, laying back down on the blanket, and closing my eyes. She’s my past now. I used to hope she would change, if not for me and Gwen, for herself, but she’s content to be where she is. She thinks she has everything, but when I look at her, I see nothing. She’s a well-dressed, beautiful woman without soul or heart. There will come a day when she’ll need someone to take care of her, and she’ll finally realize she alienated everyone. A part of me feels sad for her, but she did it all on her own.

I feel a hand wrap around mine and look over to see Jade staring at me. “Are you okay?” she asks, studying my face.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m not going to let her get under my skin anymore. I’ve spent too much time letting her tear down my happiness, and from now on I’m the only one that controls that,” I reply, resting my head back on my hands and closing my eyes once again.

The day I left my parent’s house, I knew there was a good chance that would be the last time I saw them. I had come to grips with that, and in some ways it really uncomplicated my life. Now, seeing her today, I feel the same way. This may be the last time I ever see Catherine Riley. I feel a strange mix of contentment and sadness. I’m content that every choice I make from this day forward will belong to me. I may not always make the right ones, but I will make the ones I feel in my heart.

“Are you ready to go?” I ask. “I want to try to call Dane to see if he’s okay. Maybe he’s had time to calm down and we can talk it out. I miss him.”

“He loves you. If he’s not ready today, maybe tomorrow,” she says, standing to retrieve her things.

“Tomorrow seems like it’s so far away,” I say sadly. And it does. I’m used to spending almost all my waking moments with him. We haven’t been apart for this long since we got back together.

We pack everything into her trunk and begin the trip back to her beach condo. I noticed Jade’s been pretty mellow compared to her usual out there personality. Maybe it’s for my benefit, but I sense something is off with her. Sadness is etched into her face and it hurts me to see it. She’s lost some of her bubbly outlook that I drew from for so long.

“Hey, are you okay? You seem out of it,” I say, turning to face her in the car.

“I’m fine,” she shrugs.

“No, you’re not. What’s up? You can tell me.” I unload so much on Jade. It really is her turn to do the same to me.

“It’s Tyler,” she finally admits. “I finally broke down and called him about a week ago. I couldn’t take the distance between us anymore. Anyway, he answered and I started talking, but I heard a woman in the background. She was giggling, and he kept telling her to stop whatever she was doing. All the hope I had for us washed away during that one phone call. He didn’t seem to care what I was doing. I don’t know; I was really hoping it would work out.”

“Maybe when he gets back, things will be different,” I say, trying to reassure her. Everything I know tells me Tyler probably doesn’t want to change. The funny part is, Jade seems to have changed for him.

I’m pretty sure I heard her say, “We need him back,” under her breath. I snap my eyes toward her, but she keeps hers on the road, one hand on the steering wheel with the nails from the other taking turns being whittled to nothing between her teeth. There’s something so off about her. When we get back to the condo, I’m going to sit her down and talk about this.

We all want to find out the one guy we are meant to be with for the rest of our lives, but sometimes the right guy turns out to be someone we can’t have. Some guys have too many broken pieces to stick back together, or they aren’t willing to be put back together. I don’t know what Jade’s story is, or how she got to the point where it was too hard for her to let a guy in, but she wants Tyler in the same way I want Dane.

Rain starts to fall hard on the windows as we edge our way closer to Jade’s condo. I rest my head on the window and I feel a knot forming in my throat. I just want everything to be okay. I want more days filled with smiles, and fewer days filled with tears. I pull out my phone to text Dane, but I never get the chance.

One event can change your life forever. It can take all your thoughts and feelings from that moment and make them feel trivial. It can take all the things you should have said to someone and make them ring over and over in your head for hours, days, years. It can make you remember your last words to someone and analyze them until, no matter what was said, they weren’t the right ones.

I wish I could tell her I love her one more time. I wish I could hug her close and tell her I didn’t mean all the things I said the last time I saw her. Why didn’t I think of all these things while she was still here, standing in front of me? Now, it’s too late, and time is one thing I can never get back.

They said she died instantly, but it doesn’t make it any easier. I don’t remember putting the phone down. I don’t remember falling to the floor, and I have no idea how Nolan got in my apartment. I’m numb, confused, and more than anything I’m hurting. A sadness I haven’t felt since Jenna died floods my chest. I remembered that day clearly now because all the thoughts and feelings I was having then rushed through me again. I never want to feel this way again.