Glass Hearts (20 page)

“The thing you two have will never last. I did you a favor,” he smiles.

I stop pacing and head straight toward Reid, slapping him across the face. “You didn’t deserve my sister,” I say.

The smile instantly falls from his face. “Get the fuck out of my office.”

“Gladly!” I yell, slamming the door behind me. This whole night is one big screwed up mess.

I want to find Dane and make him listen to me until he understands what happened tonight, but I know it won’t do any good right now. I’m not running away, but I’m not running to him…not tonight.

I pull my phone out of my pocket and dial Jade. Maybe a few days away from this mess will do us some good.

What the fuck just happened? Kara told me she saw Alex going into Reid’s office, and when she didn’t come out I went to see what was going on. Reid can be an ass, and he walks all over his employees when he’s in a bad mood… or drinking.

I wasn’t expecting to see what I saw when I opened the door.

Every time I close my eyes I can see it; Reid’s body pressed against her, their lips connected. Rage swept through my body when I saw him bury his head in her neck, my favorite spot to kiss her skin. I lost my shit. I want to believe her, and I think my heart does, but my eyes are telling me something else.

I told her to leave. I don’t think I really want her to leave, but I don’t want her to stay either. She makes me lose control, and I hate when I don’t have control.

I’ve been an ass to her the last few days. My frustration had been boiling over because of what happened with my mom and Nolan. I realized that I couldn’t fix everything by myself, and it made me feel like a failure. Plus, I’d been thinking about Jenna a lot lately; the memories flashing in my head when I tried to sculpt, sleep or take a morning run. Alex tried to pull me out of my funk, but I don’t like anyone else to fix my problems. I should have opened up and let her in, rather than pushing her away.

Now, I may have pushed her too far.

“Hey, what are you doing back here?” It’s Jay. I’ve been standing in the alley behind the building since I left Reid’s office. I know it scares Alex to be out here, so I don’t expect to see her running out to find me. I doubt she wants to anyway.

I don’t reply. I close my eyes and rest my head back against the cold brick. The pain that I have a hard time dealing with is seeping into my heart. I want something to take the edge off. I hate that the first thing my mind thinks about after anything bad happens are drugs. It’s fucked up. I’m fucked up.

“Does this have anything to do with Alex running out crying about thirty minutes ago? Did Reid fire you guys or something?” he asks, standing with both hands tucked in his pockets.

“She was crying?” I hate when she cries, nothing makes my chest ache more. I seem to be making her cry a lot lately, which is why I’m not good for her.

He nods. “Do you need help with something? Whatever you need, just let me know.”

“No, I’m fine,” I lie. The fact that Alex was crying when she left sends an arrow straight through my already bleeding heart. I definitely want something to take the pain away. “Look, I got to go. I’ll see you later.”

“I’m serious. If you need something, call me,” he says, patting me on the shoulder. I watch him walk away before walking toward the street to hail a cab.

When one finally stops and asks me where I’m heading, I stop. Where am I going? A part of me wants to go home, but everything there will remind me of Alex. The other part of me wants to go see Gabe and get something to take the pain away.

I can’t go home right now. Alex might be there, so I give him directions to Gabe’s apartment. The cabbie takes one look at me and shakes his head. He knows where I’m going and probably why I’m going there.

Love is fucking amazing sometimes, but other times it makes me want to lose my mind. When it’s good, it’s so freaking good, and when it’s bad, it fucking sucks. I know going to Gabe’s apartment won’t make all my problems go away, but for a few hours my heart won’t feel like it was ripped out and stomped on.

My phone buzzes right before the cab driver pulls up in front of the apartment complex.

Alex:
I’m gone.

My heart drops into my stomach. She means she’s gone from the apartment, but seeing those words and realizing she could be gone forever wakes me up. If I go into Gabe’s apartment tonight, I’ll just be pushing her further out the door. I can’t assume she’ll be as forgiving as last time. I’ve already had my one screw up. In fact, I’ve screwed up a lot lately. I’ve worked so hard to get clean, and I don’t want to start that process all over. I quickly dial my phone before I have time to change my mind yet again.

“Hello,” she answers. It’s obvious she was asleep when I called.

“I need to see you right now. I almost did something really stupid,” I say, placing my head in my free hand.

“Okay, where are you?” Concern laces her voice.

“I’m in a cab. Look, can you meet me at the little café that’s at the corner near your office? I can be there in fifteen minutes.” My whole body is shaking, wanting something to make me forget, and I need to talk to someone about it. Being able to admit that I’m not completely cured of my addiction is a big step for me. I don’t think anyone ever completely escapes addiction.

“Yes, I’ll see you there shortly.” She hangs up without waiting for my reply.

I tuck my phone into my pocket without replying to Alex’s text. We need some time apart, maybe we moved too fast, or maybe I’m not good enough for her. I need to get my shit together so that when we’re together, I’m the man she deserves. I want to learn to deal with the negative things life throws at me without running to drugs.

I arrive at the all night café first, grabbing a quiet booth in the corner. The place is full of people my age getting their post night out, early morning breakfast. It’s a little loud, but it will allow me to talk without the whole world hearing. The floor is black and white checkered, and booths and chairs are covered in red leather, some of it ripped. The wall is covered in black and white portraits from the 1960’s. It’s nothing fancy, but they have really good coffee and some of the best pancakes in town.

My sober living coach, Claire, walks in about five minutes later with her hair up in a ponytail and a worn NYU sweatshirt. She looks tired, but if she’s upset that I called and got her out of bed in the middle of the night, she doesn’t show it.

“Dane, I’m glad you called me,” she announces as soon as she sits across from me.

I raise my eyebrows slightly; she is always surprising me. She’s about my mom’s age, but she seems younger because she doesn’t carry as many battle scars and didn’t treat her body like a trash can for years.

“I’m sorry it’s so late,” I say, glancing around for our waiter. I need some coffee.

“That’s what I’m here for.” She wrinkles her forehead as she glances around the café, lowering her voice. “Now, tell me why you called.”

“I want to use. I want something so fucking bad,” I whisper, running my hands over my face. I still want it. It’s a good thing Claire is here, or I’d probably walk right out the door and find another cab to take me back to Gabe’s apartment.

She leans in close, her eyes full of concern. “Why? What happened?”

I take a deep breath. “It just hurts. I needed something to take the pain away.”

She nods. “What hurts?”

“Loving her,” I mumble, glancing around for the waitress again. I swear I’m going to jump up and fill my own cup soon if she doesn’t get over here.

“What happened with Alex?” Claire asks, finally waving down a waitress. She quickly fills our cups before moving on to the next table.

Claire and I were paired up after my last relapse, when Alex left me. She knows almost every detail of our relationship from how we met, how we fell in love, and how we fell apart. When I told her that Alex and I were back together, she was happy for me, but told me to move slow. It was already a little late for that since I’d invited Alex to live with me. I don’t regret it, but I wish we were both over our past crap so we could just live with each other without inviting our demons.

“I caught her with some asshole. Actually, I caught her with our boss in his office. She says he was coming on to her and had nothing to do with it, but I don’t know. I think I believe her, but I have a hard time believing anything that benefits me these days,” I say, turning the saltshaker on the table over and over.

“And why does this make you want to use?”

Hello, my girlfriend was caught with another guy in his office. A guy who can give her everything she could ever fucking want. A guy most girls would die to be close to. Thinking about him now makes me want to use even more.

“I told her to leave our apartment. I didn’t listen to her; I chose to believe the worst,” I reply, rubbing my forehead.

“And what were the drugs going to do for you?” she asks. I both hate and love when she goes into counselor mode. She usually gets me to where I need to be though.

My eyes shoot to hers. “They’re going to help me forget. They’re going to help take the pain away.”

She shakes her head. “Only temporarily. You need to remember that. When you get upset and crave the feeling that drugs give you, you need to remember that when you wake up tomorrow, everything will still be there. “ She’s right. She’s always right.

I need to stop hiding behind the drugs that only help me for a few hours. I need to learn to deal with all the things life throws at me. It’s just hard when you know there’s an easy way to wipe the pain away.

In the back of my mind, I know Alex would never mess around with Reid, but doubt is blocking all my common sense. I need to stop masking my pain…I need to confront it.

Claire and I talk for over an hour before we go our separate ways. I still don’t feel like returning to my apartment, so I walk to the studio to blow off some steam.

My fingers are itching for me to pull my phone out and call Alex, but I need to give her some space and get my own shit figured out. How can I be everything she needs when I have nothing to give?

I walk into the studio and play some Staind on my iPod; I need to work out some agitation, and sculpting to my favorite band seems like a fucking great idea. I notice the paintings Alex did awhile back sitting up against the wall. She never showed them to me. In fact, she was pretty secretive about them, which only spiked my curiosity.

Deciding I have nothing to lose, I walk over to them and pick up the first one. It’s me standing in front of a window with a cup of coffee in my hand. I recognize everything about it from my expression to the label on the side of my faded blue jeans. She pays attention to every detail when we’re together. I do the same, but instead of observing with my eyes, I do it with my nose. I can smell her hair everywhere I go. I close my eyes, and I can smell her like she’s standing right in front of me.

When I open them again, she’s nowhere to be found. She’s just a dream to me again.

I turn the other one around to find a painting of myself sculpting. The detail of it all steals my breath away. She’s talented, there’s no doubt about that, and the way she sees me…it’s beautiful.

I set the paintings back up against the wall and start to sculpt. I’ve never tried to sculpt someone I actually know. I’ve always made people without faces. People with little emotion, but this is different. I’m trying to sculpt Alex as I see her.

She’s beautiful, yet simple.

Funny.

Smart.

Honest.

Forgiving.

God, I hope she forgives me for all the things I said to her tonight. I threw years’ worth of frustration at her. She didn’t deserve it. It should have been reserved for someone else. Actually, it shouldn’t have been reserved at all. I should have let it out a long time ago.

I work all night long, sculpting to perfect every detail. When the sun finally starts to peek through the window, I’m done with phase one. I step back and take a look. So far, I think it might be the best piece of work I’ve ever done. It’s amazing what happens when I pour my heart into something. Alex has my whole heart.

I walk back to my apartment instead of stopping a cab. The fresh air feels great, and the city this early in the morning is quiet. With every step I take, I try to convince myself that everything will be okay… Everything has to be okay.

I’m going to go to sleep for a few hours, and work at earning my forgiveness. Even if it takes me the rest of my life, I’m going to show Alex how sorry I am for being such a jerk last night.

When I wake up in the afternoon, the phone is ringing. No one ever calls my home phone. Who would be calling me?

When the person on the other end starts talking, I know this phone call will change my life forever.