Authors: Anya Monroe
CHAPTER THIRTY
I wake to sounds of people talking. Rubbing my eyes, I sit up, yawning but still tired. It must be early, it's still dark out. My body's sweaty from a night spent in a humid tent, but I'm in here alone. I look at my arms and smile, they're still giving out a green Light. I'm getting used to it. In fact, I think at this point I would be sad to see it go. My hands help people. It feels good to be useful.
Outside the tent Lukas and Charlie are arguing and I pause to listen.
"I don't care where, we just need to get moving," Lukas says.
"I get that, but having a plan first would help. We aren't just gonna start hiking somewhere as a group of ten. That's insane. We need a plan. Obviously we need to get away from here. Even if Integrity tried to distract the rest of the Council, they're going to be coming for us soon."
I hold still, wanting to hear.
"I want to go see my parents. I've waited six years."
"Well, that's not happening. Lucy kinda locked them in a barn yesterday," Charlie says.
"I don't know what you're talking about, but if Lucy did it, I'm sure there was a good reason," Lukas finishes, and I smile in spite of myself. I don't want to smile, he stomped on my heart hours ago.
"So what are we going to do?" Basil's talking now. "And what's Lucy going to do?" A horse neighs and breaks up whatever anyone says next, but enough of this going around in circles.
They're talking about me, the girl with the growing light, because they don't understand me right now. How could they? I lost everyone in my life in a matter of months.
As I tug on a sweatshirt and boots, it hits me in the gut, everyone here has lost everyone. That's why we're in this together.
That's the problem, our world is broken, people are fragmented, and I feel fragmented too. I'm a tiny piece, but I no longer know where I fit.
I have to go back to the beginning and retrace my steps.
I pull back the tent’s door and step out in the early morning chill.
Lukas stands in the middle of the group, filling the dark air around us with his light. I try not to look at him because it hurts, I surrendered myself to him, and he crushed me.
The conversation stops and everyone turns to me.
"Lucy, you're awake," Charlie says, eagerly. "We were just deciding what to do next."
I rub my hand on my forehead and pause, wanting to choose my words wisely.
"I know where I'm headed, and I don't care who wants to come."
"Where are you going?" Junie asks.
I don't answer. I'm not interested in anyone's input, anyone's opinions, anyone's ideas.
Not now.
The girl I was when I walked off that ledge for Lukas, stepping into the night sky with Timid's hand in mine, is still here. But she's changed.
I turn away, ignoring their protest. They want details, explanations. But I can't give that to them, because I have nothing left to give.
Realizing I'm not going to give anything up, everyone begins packing up the tent and rolling blankets quickly.
I do my part to help clean up camp, wordlessly. I feel Perfection's eyes stab my back like daggers, watching my every move, but I don't care. I've always thought she was like me in all the ways that matter. Another girl, just wanting to be loved, wanting to be important. I just wish she hadn't found her validation from the one person I did.
I slip a coat over my arms, zipping it up tight. I roll up a sleeping bag and take the small bag I stole from Reagan and sling it over my shoulder. I don't own much in this world anymore.
Hana and Timid stand by the horses, relaying their stories to each other. Basil's next to them, probably terrified of letting Hana out of her sight again, and rightly so. Junie's with them too, feeling the same way about Timid, I'm sure. I smile wistfully, thinking how the foursome is similar in so many ways. In all the ways I am not.
Charlie walks over with a bag of dried fruit and jerky. Staples we won't have forever, but that are good while they last.
"I know you don't want to talk, and I get that, but will you eat something? Please?" Charlie smiles at me, with the big blue eyes I've fought hard to resist.
My eyes meet his, feeling the tears crop back up. I don't want to do this now, have some big meltdown in front of everyone. I don't want to fall apart with all eyes on me; that needs to wait. So instead I answer him by taking the food he offers before silently walking away.
I walk over to the horses, grabbing Lucky, claiming him as mine, even though I know he's Charlie's horse. But right now I don't care, I need something familiar to take hold of. Everything else is associated with hurt and confusion. I pat his chestnut coat and think about how the first time I saw his mane through Dad's surveillance camera, I thought it looked just like my hair. That feels like a lifetime ago.
I tie my bag to the saddle and stand eating the food while everyone makes their way over to their horses. Everyone gets on, some doubled up, but I have a hard time focusing on who's doing what.
I climb onto Lucky and push up my coat sleeves, asking my light to guide me, to take me where I need to go. I have faith in myself, which is the only kind I should have wanted in the first place.
Everyone else is bound to let you down.
Lukas
Lucy tells us she plans on leaving, but offers no details. I have no choice but to follow her blindly. One, because I adore her, love her, would do -- and have done -- anything for her. But also, because I need her to come back with me before the Refuges lose their power reserves. We have ten days. Tops.
Everyone packs up camp and I try to help, but I feel completely foolish and clumsy with the simplest task of rolling up a sleeping bag. Charles moves effortless, the way Perfection does back at the Refuge. I wish I fit in anywhere the way they do.
"We need to talk," Perfection says, arms crossed, eyes squinting.
"Of course, and what specifically do you want to talk about?" I need to know where this conversation is headed up front.
"Specifically, I want to know why I'm here. Why you couldn't have just told me you don’t want me. You've made me a fool," Perfection whispers at me with understandable hate in her voice. The whisper must be an act of self-preservation because her eyes tell me she's just waiting for the opportunity to slap me across the face. I don't blame her.
"I'm a coward," I admit. "And I didn't want to hurt you. You were so generous with me. I just ... I didn't want to hurt you." It's the honest truth. I knew since the moment I agreed to be Bound with her she’d be the one in the cross-fire, I chose her as the sacrifice. That wasn't fair, but what is in love and war?
"But you are Bound to me. Does that mean anything to you?"
"Not really. It doesn't mean anything because I don't love you. You don't even love me. You love the idea of me. The idea that I chose you, set you apart."
"How do you know this isn't love, what you and I have?" she asks, her words softer now as she searches me, laying her heart on the table after she's already given up so much.
"Because I'm in love with someone else."
"But maybe, Nobleman, what you say you have with Lucy is no different than what I have with you. Maybe you love the idea of her. Maybe you love the idea that she chose you."
Her words cause us to still, to pause, to hope. Her, because she's spoken her truth. Me, because I don't want there to be any truth in what she says.
"We have to go with her, don't we?" Perfection asks, braver now.
"Yes, we do." I walk away, biting my knuckles and hating myself, wishing I could be the sort of man who knows how to fix what's been broken. But I can't fix anything, not yet, not now.
Duke helps us on the horses and Colton graciously offers for Perfection to ride with him. It's a gracious move because he knows her being next to me will hurt Lucy. I wonder, as I climb up awkwardly, what it would be like to ride this beast with Lucy. A part of me believes we could get this horse off the ground, that with our energy combined we could fly.
I wish we could try.
But Lucy is up ahead, already moving forward on her horse, eyes fixed on what's ahead. I need to get close to her. There are eight horses traveling in a pack, the younger girls ride with the older girls.
My mind wanders back to The Light, wondering if Head Councilman Conviction has sent out a search party, if they are prepared to travel by foot. There are no horses on our Refuges, so if it isn't by sea, it would be walking on foot. Hopefully that will keep them at bay, especially since we will be moving faster by horse. I wonder how soon they'll be forced to stop using their boats, realizing the amount of energy they require to run.
My mind runs through different scenarios; it's hard to shut off caring about the people I have devoted my life to. Providing for their needs has been my sole purpose, my days have always included a service at the Haven.
Once we've rode for a while, our group naturally spaces out and we're no longer a giant stampeding herd. I urge my grey-haired horse ahead, wanting to edge my way closer to Lucy.
I'm squarely behind the chestnut horse, looking to muster the courage to join her. It's terrifying to consider her rejecting me.
"Just go for it," Basil says, coming alongside me.
"You think?"
Basil is so different than the Vessels I've known, she isn't intimidated in the way other girls are of me, she speaks to me as my equal. I wonder what I'd be like if I'd grown up like her, away from the confines of The Light. Maybe I'd be more like her.
"Yes, you should. I mean, I don't really know her
that
well
.
But any girl would want a big romantic gesture. I mean, unless she wouldn't." She smiles, knowing she contradicts herself even as she speaks. I see Hana lean back and say something to Basil who is straddled in front of her, riding close to her big sister.
"Hana says Lucy loves you more than love. She says she loves you more than life. She would know, she spent lots more time with her than me."
I smile, feeling more confident with their support.
"If everything is as you say it was, that marrying Perfection was the only way to get to Refuge Two, than thank you." Basil says sincerely. "I know how much it is costing you, it might cost you Lucy. But if you hadn't come when you did, it might have cost me, and my sister, our lives." Basil reaches over her hand, stretching it out to me, a peace offering, an offering of friendship.
I squeeze her hand, thankful I don't fall off the horse as I do, and then let go, charging ahead.
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
Lucy
He rides up to me; I know it's him before I see his face, because his body glimmers in the early morning dawn, casting light on me, sending shivers up my spine.
I close my yes, not wanting to shed tears right now, not yet.
"Lucy, would you speak with me? Please?"
I don't answer, but I also don't say no. I want his words to be a salve on my wounds, more than anything I want him to soothe the abrasion's tearing me apart.
"I need you to believe me when I tell you this. The only reason I let myself be Bound to Perfection was so I could get off the Refuge. The Council forced me into it. Otherwise I'd have had to stay there for months and you would have been terrified. There's no way Hana would have survived that long. I need you to believe me," he says emphatically. "Perfection means
nothing
to me
."
His words pierce me, because he's telling me again how he is, in fact, Bound to her. But his words also make sense. Looking over at him, his blond hair falls across his face, and when he tucks a piece behind his ear, his eyes plead with me. I want to believe him.
"And all that happened was a Binding? Nothing else passed between you?" I ask, needing to know, but wanting to assume the best. That he saved all his tenderness for me, the girl he called his own.
He pulls back and speaks solemnly, "We kissed at the ceremony, and in the car. She pulled me in...." he falters and in his faltering my fear is confirmed. He touched her face, and let his hands touch her hands. More than false words to appease the Head Councilman had been exchanged.
Kisses, his mouth on her mouth.
I press my fingers across my stinging lips, and my light pours out across me, a balm to my flesh. I pull Lucky ahead, hearing Lukas call for me.
"It meant nothing," he says. "Only
you
mean something!"
But I keep going ahead, not caring if my response is juvenile. I ride across the land as hard as I can, wanting, only wanting, to feel less. I want to be filled with emptiness. Because honestly, emotions are crap. I want to be less so I can be more.
The sun rises before me with all its majestic orange and yellow hues. The jealousy I've felt toward the rising orb surges through me once more. How lucky the sun is to fall asleep each night and wake up each morning in another life, with another chance. A new start.
I let the tears fall freely, because I'm inching closer to where I need to go.
Home.
Lukas
She's gone.
She may always be gone. The shock of her leaving me in the dust kicks at my heels, trying to pull me down. But I can't fall, not now -- I still have too much to accomplish.
Basil is here for me, waiting, as I watch Lucy surge ahead on the horse, and she gives me a look. It's as though she knows I messed up, but that Lucy probably messed up too.
"Things take time to blow over. Just be patient."
Patient.
"We'll see," I say sourly. Nothing is going well.
The pack is closer together now. We're all tired of riding, especially the younger girls. I've never been on a horse before, and if I had the choice, I'd get off right now. Of course I can't. I need to keep after Lucy.
"How did you and Lucy become so close, so fast?" I ask Basil.
"We came in on the boat together. She was terrified, all wide-eyed and scared. Me too, I just hide it better. And I really wanted to get there, for Hana. We'd lost everything ... I needed my sister safe."
"And you became friends?"
"Yeah, we sorta promised to look out for one another, no matter what. I'm lucky I met her, else I'd probably never see the light of day again." She laughs, then kisses the top of her sister’s head. "I still can't believe she kept her word. To take care of my sister and help me. I don't know if I'd have been as brave."
"You strike me as a pretty tough girl," I say, and I mean it. Basil says what she thinks, doesn't care how it comes across. She's strong in all the ways I'm not.
"We'll I think you are pretty tough yourself, Lukas."
"Why do you say that?" I have to ask, because it is one thing I don't believe.
"You married
Perfection
to get to your girl. That takes some freakin' guts!" She starts cracking up, and so do I. Because it's true. It's
so
true. I would do absolutely anything for Lucy.
Unfortunately, for everyone on this adventure, this time it has royally backfired.
My hands guide me, slowly at times, faster at others, and I don't think of anything besides my final destination, and Lukas. Because trying to eliminate Lukas is like trying to eliminate oxygen. If I do, I simply won't go on living.
Lukas broke my heart last night, then crushed it again this morning. I was so close to forgiving, so close to letting myself fall back into being his.
It's what I want.
Maybe I'm an infinitely jealous girl, a girl who wants to be the one and only, the here and now. But also the forever. I'm not that for him any longer. He has Perfection, however fake a Binding that they had, they're still Bound, consecrated.
I'm not tied to anyone.
Charlie rides up to me, asking me to slow down or take a break. He tells me everyone’s tired, but I don't listen. I'm almost there.
I know Lukas intentionally shines extra light on our group, even from behind me I sense his rays coming on more heavily. I'm thankful, even though I'm hostile. He gives everyone strength and energy so we can push forward.
"You know where we're going?" Charlie asks.
"I do. My light guides me, guides us, and we're almost there." I remember walking down this paved road with Mom. She walked ten paces ahead of me, not communicating her next steps, unwilling to talk to be about where we were going.
A tightness rises in my chest at the realization that I'm just like her. Forging ahead without any explanation of the “how’s,” the “why's,” and the “where's.”
I turn and see that everyone is following me, just like I followed Mom, because there was no other choice.
Desperation makes us do strange things.
The pain in my chest grows, gnawing at me until I can't ignore it any longer.
Maybe love means choosing to believe in a person's best intention, even if that means their decision hurts you.
Hurts me.
Dad had the best intention for me. When he tried to end my life it was to avoid any more suffering, any more pain. He truly believed it was the best choice.
Mom too, her decision to bring me to The Light, without explaining all the circumstances around my healing hands, was because she wanted the best for me. She wanted me not only to live, but to flourish.
I don't hold those things against my parents, not anymore. I believe in their best intentions because I choose to.
Lukas made choices out of desperation, too. I can choose to believe he made his decisions with the best intention. I can.
I just don't know if I want to, I don't know if I want to believe.