Glitch (25 page)

“Zoe, what are you doing?” Adrien’s voice broke into my thoughts.

I looked up in surprise. I’d forgotten he was here. He’d taken my hands in his gently and I looked down in surprise to see blood underneath my fingernails. I’d dug my nails into my upper arms deep enough to cut. I looked at Adrien in confusion, the horror of all my feelings too much a jumble to process all at once.

“I want to get away from myself,” I whispered. I clutched my knees to my chest and rocked back and forth. “But I can’t. I’m stuck here in my head with all these horrible memories and feelings and thoughts.”

“Oh, Zoe,” he said, his voice so soft. He pulled me against his chest and smoothed my hair in long, slow strokes. I closed my eyes, knowing I didn’t deserve the comfort, but I couldn’t manage to pull away either. I couldn’t even cry anymore. It was like all the pain had clotted together into a sharp stone in my intestines, ripping its way through my insides.

“Zoe. I’m sorry, so sorry.” His eyebrows were knit together. His face looked like I felt, like he was trying to share my sadness. I didn’t understand why, but it did make me feel less alone. Then I felt a guilty pang for causing him to hurt.

I stared at the ceiling long after Adrien disappeared up through the tile for the night. He was another person who cared about me. Another person who could get hurt because of me.

All this time, all I’d wanted was to not be alone, but now I realized how much safer it was to have no one to hurt, no one to lose. If I got caught, if my pain showed or my powers released on accident because I was wrapped up in guilt, all our lives would be at stake. I might deserve to hurt for what I’d done. I might even need it, but I didn’t have the luxury. There was no more time for crying.

*

A couple of weeks later, Max and I rode the subway to his housing unit. I hadn’t wanted to come. I just wanted to stay connected to the Link. To remain numb and in control as I curled into a ball each night, making myself as small as possible. I felt like I could disappear if I just tried hard enough.

But I knew stopping my study sessions with Max might look anomalous. At school, I went through the motions, tried to immerse myself in life as a Link drone—an unthinking, unfeeling machine.

Max slid the door to his room shut behind us. He smiled, then pulled back and reached for his bag.

“Listen. I know you’ve been sad, so I got you something.” He turned to me with his hands hidden behind his back. He grinned, dimples showing.

I was staring blankly at the wall, barely listening under the weight of the sadness that had come crashing back as soon as I disconnected from the Link. But I knew I should say something. “What is it?”

“Something special, just for you.”

I finally looked up at him and he stepped closer. “Close your eyes.” He wiggled his eyebrows.

“Max,” I said, managing half a nervous smile for the first time in a week. “What is it?”

“Close your eyes,” he said insistently.

“Fine.” I closed my eyes obediently and heard a click.

“Now, keep them shut,” he whispered, his breath close to my face. I could hear the smile in his voice. “And
smell.
”

Still confused, I inhaled deeply and my eyes popped open in spite of myself. It was the most incredible thing I’d ever smelled. I swore I could almost taste it, just from the aroma alone. I looked into the small box Max held toward me and saw a thick slice of something brown and moist-looking nestled in the box.

“What
is
it?” I asked incredulously, leaning in closer and taking another deep whiff.

“It’s called chocolate cake.” He was grinning, obviously enjoying my reaction. “Wait until you taste it.” He pulled his other hand from behind his back, producing two forks.

I hesitated. “Really?”

He laughed. “Just take a bite already.”

I didn’t deserve anything so kind, and I almost said no. But Max looked so delighted, I took a small bite. It was so sweet, sweeter than anything I’d ever tasted before. And it seemed to melt in my mouth, smooth and creamy. I couldn’t help the small moan that escaped my throat. I eagerly took another bite, a much bigger one this time.

Max laughed, his whole face lighting up as he watched me.

I gestured at the other fork. I knew I shouldn’t be enjoying myself, but it was the first time I’d felt anything pleasant since I’d found out about Daavd. Daavd. His name still caught in my throat. I shook the thought away, smiling as hard as I possibly could for Max.

“I can’t even think of a word for how good that tastes!” I said. “No words in my entire vocabulary are good enough to encapsulate the deliciousness of that— What was it called again?”

“Cake. Chocolate cake.”

“Cake,” I whispered reverently, then licked my fork again. “Where did you get it?”

He put the forks in the empty box and set it on the ground. “I had some of this when I was pretending to be an official the other day. They had this event, where a bunch of the Uppers get together to talk and eat.”

“What did they talk about?” I looked at him in confusion.

“Nothing!” Max laughed. “And everything! I mean, they were just talking about each other mostly, or other Uppers who weren’t at the party.” He laughed again, shrugging his shoulders.

“I’d gone hoping to figure out, you know, more of what’s going on in the world. But none of them were talking about global corporations or anything like that. They were just talking about things like what clothes people were wearing, and they all laughed a lot, though mostly I didn’t know what was supposed to be funny.”

He shook his head, smiling in wonder. “Zoe, it was like nothing you’ve ever seen. And the food.” He rolled his eyes. “You think this cake is good? They had meat, and I mean
actual
meat. And then this stuff called wine, which tasted really bitter at first, but then started making my head spin and I got really happy.” He laughed as if the memory was so vivid he was experiencing it again. “I’ll have to steal a bottle of it next time, you gotta try it.”

“Max,” I said, worry growing heavy in the pit of my stomach. He seemed to think it was all so great, but didn’t he realize the danger he was putting himself in? All the feelings from the last week rushed back over me. They felt even heavier in contrast to the momentary lightness of forgetting myself with Max for a few minutes. I couldn’t lose another person I cared about.

I put a hand on his arm. “I’m glad you enjoyed yourself, but you shouldn’t go back. It’s not worth it. Just one moment faltering, and they’d figure out what you are. What you can do. And they’d take you away from me. I’d lose you like I lost…” The words felt stuck in my throat. “Like my brother.”

Max shook his head and waved his hand like he was sweeping all my concerns away. “Zoe, it’s not like that. There’s no danger. Don’t you see? We don’t have to escape. We can be safe right here. We can stay and eat cake every night and drink wine till it’s coming out our ears!”

“What about the Regulators? The Monitors? The Chancellor? Every moment we stay here in the Community, we risk getting caught.”

“That’s for me to worry about. I’ve spent time around these Uppers, and the Chancellor. It will be a lot easier to work around them than you might think.”

He took both my hands in his and the light shining out of his eyes was infectious. He was so confident, so sure of himself. His charisma was almost enough to sweep me away in spite of all my sadness and guilt.

“You and me, babe,” he whispered, his glowing eyes searching mine. “We can make a life for ourselves. Just you and me. With the Rez, we’d be scraping by. On the run, fighting a battle we know we can’t win. But with what I can do, this can be our
life.
We can have whatever we want. We can be happy.”

I could almost believe him. Maybe I
did
believe him. Maybe there was some strange world that he could disappear into with his powers, and maybe there was even a way he could whisk me along with him to that world of chocolate cake and real meat and sparkling drinks that made you laugh all night. Wasn’t that better than the suffocating worry and guilt? Wouldn’t it be wonderful to lose myself like that, to let Max take care of everything? To pretend pain and sadness didn’t exist?

“But what about all the other people?” I finally asked.

“Mmm?” he asked, still smiling and gazing into my eyes.

“All the other people who are left stuck being drones? How can we sit around eating cake when they’re still in danger, still slaves?”

His brow furrowed. “There’s nothing we can do about the drones.” He shrugged. “We can only save ourselves. But the important thing is that we
can
save ourselves. We can be safe. Together. And happy.” He took my hands again.

The cake in my stomach suddenly felt like a weight, sinking me further and further down. I pulled away from him.

“It sounds like a nice life, Max. Really. But I don’t think I could live with myself, surrounded by people who have nothing while we have everything. I think the Rez can help us escape and be safe, and more important—we can help others. We need to have a real plan, for all of us. I’ll talk to Adrien about it tonight and then maybe we could all meet.” I picked up my tablet case and slung the strap over my shoulder.

“Adrien?” Max said with a voice so cold I looked up in alarm. He didn’t sound right. He didn’t look right, either. His face was mottled red, he had a pinched expression in his eyes, and his nostrils flared.

“Adrien?” he growled through gritted teeth. “You’re meeting him tonight?”

“Yes.” My voice trembled at the sudden change in him. “We need to all be together in this.”

“Not with him,” Max exploded. “Together is you and me. Not him!” He slammed the wall angrily, making me flinch.

“What is wrong with you lately?” I said, raising my voice too. “Stop
hitting
things. Stop yelling. Every time I see you we end up having a fight.”

He breathed out hard and ran his hands through his hair roughly. “Everything was fine before that bastard showed up.”

“You’re the one taking useless risks for no reason, sneaking into officials’ rooms and going to events and eating cake!” I felt bad as soon as I said it, but I kept barreling along.

“I don’t understand who you are anymore. You’re always going off in disguise and spending time with the Uppers. I feel like you’re part of this whole other world now, one I don’t know anything about. And you’re not telling me everything, I can feel it.” I searched his eyes. “You’re keeping secrets from me, aren’t you?”

He didn’t say anything but his face softened. “Come on.” He pulled me close and wrapped his arms gently around me. “No more fighting.”

I felt suddenly exhausted. I wanted to go back to sleep now. Everything was so difficult—my relationship with Max, the buzzing electricity of my power threatening every moment to be released, the pain of knowing what I’d done to my older brother.

It did feel good to be held. When Max was like this, I could forget how twisted and painful everything was getting. He rubbed my back gently. He could be so kind when he wanted to be. I sank against him.

Max pulled me into him and put his lips against my neck.

I pushed him away. “Max, no.”

“Why?” he said, a mixture of anger and hurt on his face. His moods were so mercurial, I could barely keep up. I sighed and rubbed my temple. Emotion was exhausting. Life had been so much simpler without it.

“You’re always pushing me away. You know, maybe this new girl—Megan? Morgan?—will appreciate me more than you.” Max’s voice was acerbic.

I stepped back, stung. His mouth had twisted into a sneer. For a second, in spite of his handsomeness, he looked grotesque.

“Maybe I shouldn’t come here anymore,” I said in a whisper. I backed away, my whole body trembling.

“Stop.” He grabbed my arm, his face softening in confusion. “Wait. I don’t know why I say things like that.” He let go of me and ran his hands through his hair.

“I just want to be with you so badly and then you come here and end up pushing me away at the last second. I think about you
all
the time. You’re all I want.” His voice was oddly high and close to breaking, and I could see the hurt on his face. “Why can’t you want me, too?”

“Oh, Max.” I put a hand to his face, wishing I could wipe the hurt away. “I didn’t mean— I’m sorry—”

“Don’t,” he said sharply, his face hardening again. “Don’t use his word. Not with me.”

I didn’t know how things had gotten so broken between us. I was poison. I hurt everything I touched. I didn’t know what else to say, so I turned away. Max didn’t try to stop me this time.

*

I stood after I’d closed the door to my room and let out the tears that had been threatening the entire subway ride home. I’d promised not to, but I let myself be weak just this once. The drops came in a flood, choking sobs that I only barely managed to keep quiet. I covered my mouth with my hands but I knew I was still being too loud. I grabbed my pillow from my bed and stuffed my face into it to muffle the noise. I sank to the ground beside my desk. I didn’t know pain could last this long.

My ribs ached but I kept imagining Max’s face. I didn’t know why I couldn’t care about him the way he wanted me to, and I hated hurting him. But then again, he hurt me, too. And then Daavd … oh
Daavd.
What was the point of
feeling
things when all I seemed to feel was pain?

“Zoe, are you okay?” Adrien’s alarmed voice came from above me. He dropped down, landing with barely any noise on the bed and hurrying down the ladder to where I was sitting.

“I’m fine,” I said, using another tissue and tossing it in the trash. “It’s just … Max and I…”

“Did he hurt you?” Adrien’s voice was furious.

“What?” I looked up. “No, of course not. We just—” I searched for the right word. “—keep misunderstanding each other.”

“I’m sorry.” He put an arm around me, trying to draw me in to his chest. I pulled away. I couldn’t bear to see the same kind of hurt on another person’s face that I cared about.

“Come on,” Adrien whispered, tugging on my hand. I nodded and followed Adrien up the ladder to my bed so he’d be out of view if anyone came in, all the while taking deep breaths to try to start calming myself down. We were quiet for several minutes after we sat down.