Authors: Kelee Morris
“But you’re not sorry you did it.”
I looked at the side of her face. Her cheek was the color of bursting milkweed in the fields I roamed as a child. “I don’t know,” I admitted. “But I can’t change the choices I already made. I can only do what seems best now and for the future.”
I could see Lily’s tears reflected in the window. “Sweetie…” I offered.
“I don’t want to talk anymore,” she said.
~*~
Our evening was spent in a short practice to get accustomed to the rink and a team dinner, where Lily huddled with her friends while I shared quickly forgotten small talk with the other parents. Lily complained of being tired, so we left the dinner early to get ready for bed. We watched a popular sitcom on TV that neither of us had seen before and then turned out the bedside light.
The next morning, Lily disappeared into the bathroom and ran the shower for at least 20 minutes. I waited impatiently, watching the time pass when we were supposed to meet the rest of the team, but only silence emanated from the bathroom. When she finally emerged, her face was a pale ghost hovering above black Lycra. “Are you okay?” I asked.
“Yeah,” she muttered as she brushed past me. “I need to get downstairs.”
At breakfast, I sat with some of the other moms but I kept my eyes on Lily. She pushed her food around on her plate, barely speaking to her teammates at the table. I assumed she was nervous because it was an important competition. Or perhaps everything that had happened in the last few weeks had thrown her off, unsettling her usual competition day confidence.
I intercepted her just before the team was to head over to the rink. “Are you sure you’re all right? Are you getting sick?”
She hesitated a moment before shaking her head. “No, I’m fine.”
~*~
Lily had skated this competition last year and had done well, placing fifth overall in her division. She had worked hard all season and I knew her coach expected her to do even better. I found a seat at the top of the bleachers with the other parents from our team. Lily sat near the ice with her teammates. Her head was down; she seemed to be focusing her energy, just like always. But it was clear that she wasn’t the same skater. When she was called to her first heat, she didn’t hop up immediately. Instead, she dragged herself to the starting line.
My worries were confirmed as soon as the starter’s pistol sounded. Lily fell behind immediately. Her stroke seemed off, as if she had forgotten basic technique. The heat was just eight laps, but by the fourth, she was already half a lap behind.
Dejected and frustrated, she finally crossed the finish line and skated off the ice head down. Her coach came over to her and put his thick arm around her shoulder, speaking gently into her ear. I wanted to go down and see if she was all right, but I knew it wasn’t my place to interfere.
The rest of the day was no better. Lily skated six more heats, but never finished higher than fourth. It was her worst performance in years.
I found her in the rink lobby, sitting alone, pulling off her skates. “I’m sorry,” I said gently.
“I just want to go home,” she said into her boot.
“Okay. Let’s go back and we’ll check out.”
~*~
When we reached our room, Lily immediately retreated to the bathroom again and shut the door. I hurriedly packed our things. She still hadn’t emerged when I finished, so I gently knocked. “I’m done packing. We can leave now.”
It was another minute before she opened the door. She was still wearing her skating clothes; her face was bitter with tears. “You had a bad day,” I said. “You weren’t feeling well. It happens to every athlete.”
She looked up at me, her eyes painfully dark and sad. Her words rushed out like a long dammed stream. “Mom, I’m pregnant.”
The four-hour drive felt too short, even though Lily said little. Rather than using her ear buds, she turned the radio to an oldies station. Paul Simon’s “Graceland” came on and when I looked over, I saw that it had brought tears to the corners of her eyes.
Lily asked if we could stop for lunch, so I pulled into a Big Boy diner off the interstate. Lily, who had regained her appetite, ordered a double hamburger. I picked French fries from her plate as the restaurant’s fiberglass mascot grinned at me through the streaked windowpane.
Amidst the clatter of silverware and voices, Lily divulged details of her predicament. She assured me that sex had been a weighty decision that they discussed numerous times before actually crossing the threshold. They had always used condoms but neither of them realized that the ones Chase had obtained from his older brother, now off in college, were likely several years old. One had broken, a fact that Chase didn’t reveal until six weeks later, the morning Lily had thrown up on the way to school. The next day he drove her to the free clinic where they confirmed their worst fears. That had been two weeks ago. Lily was now two months pregnant and they had barely spoken since, communicating mostly through truncated texts.
After lunch, I put an arm around Lily’s shoulder as we walked back to the car, which I had parked in a far corner, away from the other patrons. When we climbed in, she turned to me. The color had drained from her face again. “What should I do?” she asked.
“I’ll help you figure it out,” I promised, “but it’s up to you to make the final decision. If you want to terminate the pregnancy, or keep the baby, or give it up for adoption, I’ll support you. I just want you to think about what all those choices mean.”
She reached out and squeezed my hand tightly. “Please don’t leave me.”
I responded without even thinking. “I’ll never leave you.”
~*~
A dinner of fresh salmon, couscous, and salad with a side of something soy for Anna were on the table when we stepped through the back door. “Dad knows how to cook,” Mackenzie announced, as if she had just discovered Atlantis.
Lily surveyed the rest of her family gathered happily at the table. “I’m going to my room,” she said as she bolted for the stairs.
Matt looked at me quizzically. “She had a bad meet,” I explained.
I sat down to dinner with the rest of my family. Anna and Mackenzie were in talkative moods, and Matt egged them on with jokes and gentle teasing. It was as if Lily and my absence had briefly driven away the gray clouds that had hung low over our home lately. I smiled and occasionally contributed to the lively conversation when I had to. I didn’t want them to see how troubled I was.
When we finished eating, Anna acquiesced to Mackenzie’s persistent requests that they search for fireflies in the yard even though she patiently explained that it would be at least two months before their first appearance. Matt and I were left alone to clear the table. “Do you want a glass of wine?” he asked.
“Sure.”
He found a bottle of chardonnay and poured us each a glass. At the restaurant, Lily had begged me not to tell her father about her pregnancy, but finally accepted that it was something we couldn’t keep from him. As we carried the plates into the kitchen, I broke the news to him. “Shit,” he said, leaning heavily against the counter. He looked like a prizefighter just before hitting the mat.
“Be kind to her. She needs both of us in her corner.”
He eased himself behind the kitchen table. I sat across from him, sipping my wine as he contemplated the table’s dark finish. When he looked up again, his eyes were gentle. “Remember that time I drove to Des Moines in a blizzard when all the flights were cancelled?” he asked.
I smiled. “I thought you were an insane workaholic.”
“I was… I am,” he corrected himself. “Do you remember I called you from the road?”
“Kind of. That was a few years ago.”
“I didn’t tell you that I had slid off the interstate and was stuck in a ditch.”
“Why not?” I said, unprepared for another revelation.
“I didn’t want to worry you, but I was scared. There was hardly anyone else on the road and I didn’t have much gas left. The state police said they didn’t know how long it would take to get to me.”
“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me.”
“I know. It was a stupid, male thing, but there was nothing you could do.”
“Stupid is definitely the word for it.”
“I just thought that if I was going to freeze to death in the middle of nowhere I wanted you to be the last person I talked to.”
“Matt…” I didn’t know what else to say. Whose voice would I want in my ear if I was about to leave this world? Matt’s? Ashland’s? One of my children? I couldn’t even think about it. I reached out and intertwined my fingers with his.
“I want to figure out how to fix this,” Matt said. “I don’t want to lose you.”
“I don’t know what to do,” I confessed.
“Stay. Be here with your family. You can still go to grad school next fall.”
Instead of responding to his entreaty, I poured us another glass of wine. We talked about Lily and how we could best help her. Matt agreed that she needed to make the final choice.
I was a little tipsy when I went upstairs to help Mackenzie get ready for bed and read to her. After minor protests and delays, she was finally tucked in. I slipped on my cotton pajamas and was about to go check on Lily when Matt stepped into the room. “George gave me the name of a couples counselor he and Cheryl went to,” he shared. “He said she was really good.”
“Okay.”
Matt took my hands. “Will you stay?”
What could I say? Fate or circumstance had made me a goddess. Now those twin masters had brought me back to earth.
“All right. At least for now.”
~*~
Late that night, I texted Ashland.
Can we meet at your office in the morning?
Sure
, he replied.
What’s wrong?
I’ll tell you tomorrow.
Lily stayed home from school the next day. After seeing off Anna and Mackenzie, I promised her I would be back in an hour.
I hurried over to campus, oblivious to the beautiful late spring day that was bursting around me. I wondered if I would feel any differently about Ashland now that I had committed to stay. Would I find myself trying to draw away from him emotionally?
As soon as I stepped into Ashland’s office and saw him standing by the window, gazing out at the ocean of green outside, I knew that nothing had changed in my heart. I hurried to him, thrusting myself into his arms. He pulled me close, savoring our kisses as if we had been apart for years.
He released me and strolled over to close the door. When he turned back to me, his face was serious. “What’s going on, Julia?”
I swallowed hard. “I just found out that Lily is pregnant.”
He crossed to me again, enfolding me in his reassuring arms.
I couldn’t hold back the heavy sobs that racked my body like crashing waves. “I just need you to hold me,” I managed to say.
I imagined flooding his office with my tears, the two of us carried away by them, slipping down the stairs and out the door, to be swept into the lake and never seen again. Like Matilda, my family would be left behind to mourn. But I would be free again, reborn as a water goddess.
I pulled myself together enough to look up into Ashland’s eyes, which were filled with sympathy. “You’re not going to Magoa,” he surmised.
“I’m sorry. I love you so much, but my family needs me.”
He rested his hands on my hips, as if he were going to pick me up and take me with him. Instead, he said, “I’ll come back.”
“Magoa needs you, and…” I felt the tears start to erupt again. “I can’t make any promises.”
“I don’t need promises. I don’t want anyone else.”
I steeled myself for what I knew I had to say. It was the right thing to do even if it was the last thing I wanted. “Take Elena with you.”
“No,” he said emphatically.
“She’s your best student. You’ve never let your personal feelings compromise your work and I won’t let you do it this time.”
He frowned at my logic. “I’ll never stop loving you.”
I stood on my toes and kissed him, closing my eyes, drinking in every sensation, just like the first time and every time since.
“What am I going to do with you, my beautiful goddess?” he said.
“Make love to me.”
~*~
He had me on his desk. It felt like I was giving a final gift to a soldier before he went off to war. Of course, I knew he wasn’t likely to die, but I accepted that I might lose him… to Elena.
I stumbled home afterwards, taking a roundabout route so I could pull myself together.
Nina called me the next day. Ashland had asked her to break the news to my rival. Elena was shocked and thrilled. “This is a significant opportunity,” Nina had told her. “It’s important you act professionally.”
Elena had practically danced out of the room.
~*~
Waiting until Ashland left and the next part of my life began, I kept myself busy picking up neglected PTA tasks and spending as much time with Lily as possible. She agonized over her decision with me, at times wanting to give the mysterious object inside her life, at other times hoping against hope that her body would make the decision for her. I asked gentle questions, but was careful not to give an opinion. The truth was, I didn’t have one. I only wanted Lily to be happy.
One day, while helping Lily fold the clean clothes that carpeted her floor, she said, “I haven’t heard anything from Chase in almost a week.”
“Do you think he knows?” I asked, handing her a bra.
“No… I don’t know. I know I’ve been acting weird around him. He probably thinks I just don’t like him anymore.”
“Do you?”
“I thought I loved him, but now I’m not so sure. It seemed easier before…”
I handed her a neatly folded stack of tops. “Love does seem easier when everything is smooth sailing. But it’s only when the waters get rough that you find out if it’s really going to last.”
Lily pressed her nose to the freshly washed fabric and breathed in the scent of spring and fabric softener. She looked up at me again. “Which one is going to last for you?”
I looked at her brown eyes, so similar to mine. “I don’t know. I have to see which way the current takes me.”
~*~
Ashland and Elena’s flight was scheduled to leave on Friday. I had told no one in my family. On Thursday morning, I received a text from him.
I want to see you.
I spent an hour thinking over the logistics. Matt was arriving from Omaha at noon and planned to come straight home. I could disappear for an hour or two, but I didn’t want this to be another brief encounter. I wanted to linger in Ashland’s arms, perhaps for the last time. Since learning about Lily’s pregnancy, I had been sleeping at home again, albeit in our own guest room. The only plan I could come up with was to sneak out in the middle of the night. It was silly that, after everything I had done, this final deception felt wrong. But I wanted him badly, so I picked up my phone again.
Leave the door unlocked,
I told him.
~*~
I set my alarm for one, but I didn’t fall asleep anyway. Instead, I watched sitcoms from my childhood on late night cable:
The Love Boat, Happy Days, Diff’rent Strokes.
They had imprinted on my young mind what romance, marriage, and family looked like. I had tried to live that ideal, but I wasn’t satisfied, so I charted a different course. Now I lay in bed, trying to figure out how to fill the hole left in my heart.
When my phone finally chimed softly, I slipped on my sweats. They were far from sexy, but if anyone was up when I came home, I would tell them I had woken early and gone for coffee. I climbed into the Prius and let it coast to the end of our driveway before starting the engine.
The street lamps and a crescent moon were my only companions on deserted streets. When I pulled into his driveway, I could see his light like a beacon in the bedroom window.
He met me in the kitchen, wrapped in a bathrobe whose softness I had often enjoyed against my own body. “I’m sorry I didn’t dress for the occasion,” I said as we clung to one another.
“You look amazing,” he said.
We walked hand in hand up the polished staircase, as we had done so often before. Knowing that this might be the last time I made this journey, my senses were heightened. I could smell the subtle hint of wood polish. As we traversed the hallway, a floorboard creaked, the same one that had first announced my presence to him.
When we reached the bedroom, he turned to me. “Take your clothes off,” he said.
I pulled my sweatshirt over my head and slipped my pants off. I hadn’t bothered with underwear. He stood there for a moment, gazing into my eyes, and then he knelt before me, planting gentle kisses like spring flowers on my stomach, my thighs, my pubic hair. He stood again and I untied his robe, letting it slip off his shoulders. He was magnificent naked, worthy of enshrinement in marble. Would I still know this body when he returned? Would it still be mine?