Good Chemistry (8 page)

Debra closed her eyes and tried with every ounce of her strength to stop shaking. Once more, Johansen seemed to take only a few steps before he disappeared. For Debra, her second encounter with the notorious Doc Robber was every bit as exhilarating as the first.

She asked the waiter to bring her some Scotch tape. Debra used the tape to lift a print off the edge of the table where Johansen, or whatever the hell his name really was, had sat and touched the table without wiping the print away.

The part of Debra that would arrest Johansen was dying, yet the impulse to do so remained strong. A new side of Debra was emerging. It gave her a tantalizing glimpse of what love and happiness could actually feel like. Debra had given up any notion of finding true love long ago. Yet now, not only was her predictable world crumbling around her, the new life Johansen hinted at, turned out to be more alluring than she ever could have admitted to herself just forty-eight hours earlier.

A civil war was brewing inside Debra. The nice thing about this war was that one of the sides actually seemed to have her best interests in mind for a change. Unfortunately, that was the side inviting her to become a jewel thief. A life-style so far outside her realm of reality as to be downright laughable.

If that was really the whole of it, why couldn’t she get it out of her mind? Half of Debra vowed to arrest Johansen the next time she set eyes on him. The other half was laughing at the very idea of her locking away the only man she’d met with whom she could envision a future.

Chapter 8

Five weeks earlier

“So, are you ready? This is your big day.” Judy grinned at Bernie, who squirmed uncomfortably as she drove them to Andrew’s mother’s house.

“No! I’m not ready. But, I don’t have any choice. Andrew is talking about going straight over to Alexander’s the instant that he confirms the potion works. He’s so obsessed now, that I don’t think he’s even going to wait and see if there are any side-effects.” Bernie shook her head in dismay. Everything in her neat orderly world seemed to be coming unraveled.

Judy found the entire situation amusing. Not in any sort of mean way. She was just glad something was finally pushing Bernie to stand up for herself and go after what she really wanted. “Don’t worry, this will all work out fine.”

Doubt consumed Bernie as she watched Judy putting on her camouflage makeup that matched her outfit.

“Bernie relax. I’ll be right above you the whole time watching through the skylight. I’ll be there to talk you through this, step-by-step.” Judy waved the tiny earphone in front of Bernie’s eyes to remind her she wasn’t going through the test alone.

“So, how did you convince him that his parents’ house would be the best place to conduct the test?”

“That was the easy part. Their house is only two blocks from the hospital, just in case anything drastic goes wrong.”

Bernie rounded the corner onto Seminole Avenue then turned down the gravel alleyway that ran behind Lewis and Joanna McGee’s house. She stopped a dozen yards out of view of their home. Judy jumped out and stealthily sneaked across the McGee’s backyard. She blended in beautifully while she was crossing the grass, but as soon as she scaled the vine trellis onto the roof, her green camo showed like a spotlight. She looked like a pale yellow and green lizard attacking the house.

“Testing one, two, three. Testing one, two, three.” Bernie looked up at Judy as she peered over the edge of the skylight. Bernie made an okay sign with her finger and thumb.

Bernie had quickly said ‘hello’ to Lewis as she entered. The attached garage was a woodworking shop where he spent most of his time. Joanna was down the hall in the kitchen baking cookies for her Daughters of the American Revolution bake sale. Bernie looked around the room nervously. Her eyes darted from one corner to the other, as if she was expecting a monster to jump out at her any second. Her heart began to pound furiously in her chest.

“God Judy, we may really need that hospital. I think I’m having a panic attack.” She looked up at Judy with pleading terror-filled eyes. This was the highest level of anxiety Bernie had ever felt in her life. “I can’t do this . . . let’s call it off,” Bernie whispered softly into the tiny earpiece hidden by her hair.

“Now just relax, Bernie. You’re doing just fine. I’m right here. Remember, this is Andrew. You’ve known him for years. He cares about you. You know that. Remember, this is an unknown substance. He can’t predict anything. However you act will seem fine.”

Judy’s words soothed Bernie’s tattered nerves. The last part especially calmed her. As long as she could wrap her mind around some scientific angle, she was fine.

“Okay . . . okay . . . I’m okay.” Bernie’s eyes were still bugging out of her head a little but she was keeping it together. Through the picture window in the living room, Bernie saw Andrew pull up and park his Chevy Metro behind her Civic on the street.

He got out and strode mechanically to the door. Bernie figured that he would have a cold, dispassionate scientific stance to the whole thing. It made her angry. If he had ever picked up on Bernie’s emotional cues, she wouldn’t have to resort to such a strange desperate play as this.

“Hi, Bernie. Are you all ready to go?” Andrew angled himself down onto the couch next to her.

“Yeah, I suppose I am.” Andrew, oblivious to all the reservation in Bernie’s voice, popped open a small carrying case he had sitting on his clipboard. He loaded a syringe from the phony elixir bottle and gave Bernie a shot in the arm.

“Okay, Bernie, just stay calm and pretend to shake a little like Steven did,” Judy coached from her hiding spot.

Bernie closed her eyes and pretended to tremble, which wasn’t really hard to pull off. It was what her body wanted to do anyway. She kept her eyes closed for a couple of minutes.
Okay, Bernie, this is it. I can do this
. Finally, her eyelashes fluttered open.

Bernie looked straight into Andrew’s eyes. Her breath became choppy and halting, as if she had recently finished making love.

“Okay, there seems to be a reaction taking place. I’ve never seen that look in your eyes before,” Andrew observed stiffly as he quickly scribbled down notes.

Bernie’s eyes grew hotter as she fought the urge to slap him for never noticing this in her until now.

“So let’s run through some standard questions. How do you feel right now?”

Judy, with the attention span of a gnat, whispered, “I think I chaffed my ass on these roofing tiles.”

Bernie, too nervous to think, repeated Judy’s words.

“Okay, so I may be getting some skin irritation here.”

Bernie grimaced and rolled her eyes up at the skylight when Andrew wasn’t looking. She had repeated Judy word for word.

“Oh. Sorry about that. What I meant to say is that I feel warmth spreading all over my body. I’m seeing something in your eyes, Andrew, something deep and beautiful. I feel like I’ve been in love with you for as long as I can remember,” Judy whispered and Bernie repeated.

Andrew nodded without looking up. He kept jotting notes. “Okay, let’s move on to question two. This question is designed to gauge to what degree your passion is consuming you.”

“Okay.”

“Who do you think is hotter, George Clooney or me?”

Again, Judy stumbled. “Are you serious? That’s not even close. You’re not even in the same league as George Clooney.”

Bernie’s eyes got huge as she realized what she’d parroted. “Ah, I mean, ah, that’s not even fair. He’s just an actor, but you, you’re a real man.” Bernie’s heart pounded furiously. She shifted awkwardly like she had slipped off a step. She reached out and put her hand on Andrew’s thigh.

Her eyes became sultry as she began massaging up and down. She purred seductively. “You understand what I mean by a
real
man, don’t you?” Bernie managed to wink awkwardly.

Judy was up on the roof laughing her ass off in Bernie’s ear, and Andrew thought it was her mascara causing her eyelashes to stick together, sadly Bernie realized he
didn’t
know what she meant. He scribbled a few more notes.

“Okay, question three. What do you find attractive about me?”

Judy’s mouth fell open. She couldn’t think of a single thing. Judy winced when Bernie began to speak without her coaching.

“Well, pretty much everything. Mostly, I love your eyes. You’re the gentlest man I know. I love the way you’ve dedicated your life to conquering the disease that took your brother. Umm, I love the sound of your voice. I love your flyaway hair. And I love that you have never ever made fun of me.” Bernie’s eyes glazed over. She could feel the weight of her long struggle beginning to lift.

Judy was mesmerized and didn’t notice that the neighbor lady had spotted her. She was standing under Judy with a broom handle.

Bernie drifted off into a sea of inner tranquility. With a look of utter contentment, she savored this seminal moment in her life. Without thinking, she repeated every word Judy said. “Try sticking me with that pole of yours, and I’ll snap it in half and shove it up your ass.”

Andrew shot Bernie a strange bewildered look.

The neighbor swiftly abandoned her attempt to dislodge Judy manually and opted instead to call the police.

Judy breathed a sigh of relief when the neighbor lady left. It was unwarranted as another stroke of misfortune impinged on the burgeoning love triangle.

The sprinklers came on at one o’clock as usual. Sprinkler head number seven was broken and only shot a strong jet of water, blasting well clear of any grass and up onto the roof. The jet caught Judy squarely in the face.

Meanwhile, Bernie was in a wild panic over the last thing she said. She couldn’t think of any way to explain this one. So, when Judy’s voice came over the tiny speaker again, Bernie naturally assumed she was feeding her the necessary lines to correct her previous blunder. She was incorrect.

“Hey, I don’t mind helping you out, but I did not sign up to get shot in the face. How in the hell can that thing shoot so high?” Judy felt the puddle of camouflage paint forming under her chin as it rolled off her face.

Bernie was already in for a penny, so she repeated, “Oh crap! My whole face is covered in goo! My hands are all sticky. What made me think getting that stuff around my eyes was a good idea?”

Bernie sat up straight as an arrow. She looked over at Andrew and turned red as a fire engine.

He was completely oblivious. He sat scribbling away in his notebook. The mic in Bernie’s ear began to crackle.

This was Judy’s last chance.

Bernie repeated her every word. “Oh, thank God! If I rub it hard enough I seem to be getting it off. Yeah, definitely, it’s starting to wear off.” Bernie took the last part as her cue to pretend the elixir was wearing off. “Oh no, Andrew. The effects are starting to wear off,” Bernie said, in a positively heartbroken voice.

Judy shouted in Bernie’s ear, “Not you. I was talking about my face paint. Bernie, you still have to get him the information about the real side-effects.”

Bernie gasped. Quickly, she feigned shaking like a girl with Parkinson’s once again. “Oh wait, oh God. It’s coming back. It’s coming back even stronger now.”

Meanwhile, a police officer was outside talking to Judy. “Ma’am, what are you doing on these people’s roof?” the officer demanded.

Bernie’s head was swimming after she repeated, “Ah, I’m observing the mating habits of a pair of cuckoos.”

Judy searched the trees in vain for any sign of birds, while Andrew assured Bernie that ‘using this elixir did not mean they were cuckoos.’

“Ma’am, I need you to get off that roof right now,” the officer said, tapping his foot.

“I can’t get off!”

Bernie automatically repeated the words.

Andrew scribbled furiously, and Bernie felt her cheeks heat up.

“Ma’am, if you don’t come down from there right now, I’ll be forced to handcuff you and parade you out of here in front of the neighbors. Is that really what you want?”

Bernie’s head was about to explode after she repeated, “No, I don’t want that. If you’re going to jerk me off, handcuff me, and parade me out in front of the neighbors, there’s not a lot I can do to stop you. You can beat me half to death with your night stick and I
still
won’t get off.”

Bernie finally hung her head in utter defeat.

Shaking her drooped head in utter disgust, Bernie turned off the receiver in her ear. She would just have to improvise the rest.

Bernie scooted over on the couch right next to Andrew. With one hand, she cradled Andrew’s head. Her eyes glittered as she finally did what she’d dreamed of doing for years. Tenderly, she put her cherry lips to his. She gave him a deep, satisfying kiss that had been decades in the making.

With her free hand, she began massaging Andrew’s chest. She gently blew against his ear. Her eyes fluttered open just in time to see Judy through the bay window as she was being led away by a police officer.

Judy kept violently snapping her head in the direction of the garage where Andrew’s father was working. Bernie finally got the message, but the thought of it tore her heart in two. This was the single most satisfying day of her life.

As she held her one and only true love in her arms, he actually put down his clipboard, drew her to his chest, and began kissing her back. Bernie wanted so desperately to come clean. To blurt out, ‘I’m not on any silly love potion! Andrew, this is how I
really
feel about you. This is how I’ve felt since the first time I ever set eyes on you. Andrew, don’t you see? I’m the perfect girl for you. Not Heidi. Surely you must see that by now?’

Nevertheless, she knew Andrew well enough to know better than to take the chance. She needed more time to break through his obsession. With a heavy heart, Bernie pulled herself back from Andrew. There was a fiery passion burning in her gut. That part she didn’t need to fake.

She closed her eyes and pretended to start shaking once again. Bernie shook her head at the thought of what she had to do next. To win Andrew’s love forever, she had to get him the right information about the side effects. He would never forgive her if she screwed up his research.

Bernie looked over Andrew’s shoulder, and down the hall to the kitchen where his mother was just pulling another tray out of the oven. Bernie sniffed the air. She pretended to get aroused.

Andrew went back into observation mode. He grabbed his pen and notebook.

Bernie rose as if transfixed. She slowly made her way to the kitchen trying to walk like a zombie. As she crept closer to Joanna, Andrew stayed right behind her, so he wouldn’t miss a thing.

Bernie closed in on Joanna. She glanced back at Andrew with a devilish fire in her eyes. She glanced at Andrew’s mom’s ass. She glanced back at Andrew. She turned back to Joanna’s derriere. My God. She was really going to have to do it.

Joanna sensed Bernie behind her and turned. With a desperate sense of resignation, Bernie turned and stepped closer to Joanna. Bernie snatched her up in her arms, and gave her would-be future mother-in-law a hot passionate kiss. Joanna wiggled and thrashed. She clawed at the air. Finally, she got the vixen by the shoulders. As she was prying her off, Lewis walked in from the garage.

“Hey what are they arresting Judy for?” Bernie threw Andrew a quick glance. He still seemed to be unfazed by what he was seeing. Seething with frustration, Bernie glared at Andrew as she panted heavily. ”What in the hell has gotten into you, Bernie?” Joanna was shouting as Bernie wheeled around. Her bouncy head full of red curls shifted seductively.

In one well-aimed leap, she jumped onto Lewis straddling him about the waist. Bernie grabbed two hands full of hair and drove her tongue straight into his mouth. Bernie clamped onto him like a vise.