Graceful Ashes (3 page)

As he adjusted the shoulder strap of his messenger, I noticed how perfectly his dark jeans fit him.

“It’s as easy as you allow it to be, pretty girl.”

My heart raced as I watched him exit the train and walk away without even a backwards glance.

Hendrix was dangerous, and like a moth to a flame I was curious of him. But hopefully for my sake curiosity wouldn’t kill the cat.

Chapter Three

It had been a week since my encounter with Hendrix on the train home from the memorial and while my thoughts should have been on the new dance routine I was practicing, they were on how in the hell I would find the guy again. I’d never been one to be infatuated with a guy. I’d been interested in a couple guys back in high school, but once I was around them, outside of class, I quickly learned they weren’t my priority. Of course, Talon hadn’t mind I’d been boyfriend free my entire life because it was one less thing he’d had to worry about. So with no boyfriends to distract me, and Tegan pushing me, I was hell bent on making a career of my dancing.

I blew a hefty breath attempting to remove the hair hanging in my face. My hands were full of books because my dance clothes consumed my backpack.  “Dammit,” I groaned when the strand fell right back into the same exact spot it had been for almost the entire walk from my apartment to class. “If I had a pair of scissors and a spare hand, I would totally chop you off.”

Suddenly a gust of wind blew that pesky strand out of my face. “Thank the lord.” I tossed my head in triumph and noticed a girl gawking at me like I had two heads. We were both headed toward the music building at the same pace. Her long dark hair was a shade redder than mine, but her large blue eyes were the complete opposite of my dark brown ones.

“Here let me get that for you.” She rushed toward the double glass doors, pulled one open and stood back to let me pass.

“You’re a life saver. I didn’t even think how in the heck I was going to manage opening doors with all of this crap.” I nodded toward my arms full of books.

“This might be a dumb question, but if you’re carrying your books what’s in your backpack?” Her eyebrows rose as she awaited my response.

“I have ballet directly after my music class so it’s jam packed full of my clothes for that.”

She smiled and nodded. “Are you a Dance or Music major?”

“Dance.”

“I’m Music.”

“Awesome. I’m Zoey Fisher by the way.” Without thinking, I extended my hand and my books hit the floor, their thud echoing down the hall. “Son of a…” I dropped to the floor.

The girl knelt beside me and helped me stack my books and papers.

Once everything was gathered she extended her hand. “I’m Clara Stevens.”

“Nice to meet ya, Clara.” I slid my hand into hers and we shook.

“You too.”

The smile that spread across her face seemed sincere.

“Here you go.” She slid the pile she’d gathered onto mine.

“Thank you.” I smiled. “I’m usually not this clumsy.” I lifted the stack and we rose to our feet.

“It happens.” She laughed.

“That it does.” I shifted my books for a better grip.

“How long have you been attending Juilliard?”

“This is my second year. You?” I glanced at her as we walked down the hallway.

“It’s my first year.” She bites her lip. “I wasn’t sure what to expect when I moved here from Connecticut, but so far it’s been pretty intense,”

“You can say that again. My first year was pure hell. Mainly because the main dance instructor I had was like a thorn in my ass. But now that he’s gone I’m hoping it won’t be as nerve wracking.”

Clara slowed as we approached a door on our right. “Well, I wish you luck. This is my classroom.” She hooked a thumb toward the door.

“Mine’s a few doors down. Do you live over near the Harriet building?” There was no time like the present to put myself out there in hopes of making a friend.

“Yeah, right beside it in the Barlow building, is that where you live?”

“Yep.” I tempered my enthusiasm because I didn’t want her to know I really hadn’t made any real friends since I’d been at Juilliard.

“Well, neighbor, looks like we need to get together sometime.” Clara pulled her cell phone from her back pocket. “What’s your number?”

I quickly recited the digits to her hoping to beat the alarm from my own phone which would warn me that I was about to be late for class. “Shoot me a text so I have your number!” I called out as I made a beeline for my classroom.

“Will do, Zoey!” Clara called back just before I slid through the large wooden door and took a seat.

A smile that would put the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland to shame was making my cheeks hurt. But that didn’t bother me one bit. It looked like I had officially made my very first friend at Juilliard without over thinking it.

Air left my lungs as I exhaled the yawn that kept coming back around like a revolving door. That music class had almost put me to sleep, but the chill of the wind on the walk over to my ballet class was stirring me back to the land of the living. Thank goodness the course was only six-weeks long because music wasn’t my cup of tea, but I’d much rather get the electives out of the way so I could focus all of my time and energy on dance.

The ballet room was empty with the lights on low as I entered. “Anyone here?” The sound of my question echoed through the room. No one responded. I dropped my bag where I stood just inside the door and turned to see if I’d missed a note plastered on the door, but there was no note.

“What the hell…” I scratched my head and then it dawned on me to check my email.

Sure enough, there sat an email from Elizabeth Vurdo stating that classes were cancelled for the remainder of the week, two days to be exact, due to her being under the weather. But she told us to keep in mind that makeup days were at her discretion. Meaning, the weekend was not out of question. I unzipped my backpack and stuffed my books into it, wrinkling my neatly folded ballet clothes in the process. It wouldn’t zip with my shoes in there so I pulled them out then zipped it shut, and slung it over my shoulder. The heavy ass thing wasn’t as annoying as having to haul around those books in my arms. Since ballet had been cancelled I had plenty of time to get that lovely leotard and skirt back to its unwrinkled state before the following week. The situation was a win-win and I wasn’t one to dwell on not having class when I’d much rather be sleeping after that dreadful music class.

I stopped and peeked into the small window of the door that held the class Clara was attending. She didn’t seem as bored learning whatever it was that she was learning in her music class, as I had been in mine. But I didn’t wait around very long before I hightailed it back to my apartment.

Inside my apartment I dropped my heavy-ass backpack, kicked off my shoes and headed for my bed. Why I was so tired was beyond me, but my body was desperate for a nap. Hopefully I’d be able to catch a drool worthy nap. I discarded my wool sweater and slipped between the smooth navy blue sheets beneath my comforter. A heavy breath passed my lips my body sank into the mattress in relaxation.

The scene played out like a movie, and I was the person sitting in the chair watching it unfold. A much younger version of myself was frantically arguing with my brother, Talon.

“Mommy! Daddy!” The smoke burned my lungs as I cried out their names.

“Zoey, baby, we’ve got to go!” Talon snatched me into his arms and fled in the opposite direction of our parents’ bedroom.

Thick black smoke filled the house as the flames leapt and burned brightly around us. Talon’s coughs racked his body and he tripped, almost throwing me onto the living room floor. Finally he threw open the front door and fresh air smacked us both in the face.

“You’ve got to go back, Talon! Go back!” My grownup self yelled at my brother, hoping my younger self would be able convince him.

“But…” I hiccupped through my cries as he sat me on the ground near the road. “What about Madden and Mommy and Daddy?” Tears raced down my heated cheeks as his eyes searched mine.

“Stay right here, Zoey. I mean it.” Before I could reply Talon charged toward the house and the neighbors surrounded me.

I couldn’t believe what was before me. The house was engulfed in flames. As Talon reached the front porch a loud boom echoed through the air. No way could he get back into the house now. He turned and crumpled onto the ground in hysterics. Loud sirens rang out as two large fire trucks pulled up and began unwinding hoses. But even as a young child, I could tell by how badly the house looked that it was too late.

“No...No...No…”

I shot up in the bed with the comforter gripped tightly in my hands. My chest was heaving. The horrific nightmares were becoming a reoccurring thing, and I knew I needed to talk to someone about them. But reliving the heartache from my decision that night wasn’t something I had ever been able to confront. Burying it deep in the back of my mind had been easier…and had always worked…until recently.

I flopped back against my pillow and pushed the heel of my hands into my eyes. A pounding headache was rolling around my noggin from the stress of waking up so suddenly. I was batting zero.

With my eyes squeezed shut I slapped my hand around on the computer desk, in search of my phone. There was one person I knew I could talk to. After dialing, it only took two full rings before the familiar voice came through the line.

“Hey beautiful! How are you?”

Tegan’s sweet question made me smile.

“I could be better.” I admitted.

“You don’t sound very good, Zoey. What’s going on?”

Her voice changed from sweet to concerned. She knew me all too well.

“I had another nightmare.” Tegan sighed so quietly that I almost didn’t hear it, but I did. “I don’t know what to do, Tegan. I don’t have them every time I close my eyes, but they are happening more frequently and I’m not sure I can handle much more of them. They’re driving me mad! I blame myself so fucking—freaking much for what happened, I can’t keep reliving my decision over and over again, even if it’s only in my dreams. Sorry about cussing.”

“I know what you’re going through, Zoey. Maybe not the exact situation, but I dealt with trauma from what happened to me years ago. You know that. Healing comes differently to people. All I can tell you is talk to someone. I know it sounds like more of a hassle than you want, because I felt that exact same way, but it really does help. And I mean talking to someone besides me about it, a professional. You’re well over the age to be able to cuss, so don’t worry about that.”

I groaned at her suggestion. “I’ve made it this long without going to a therapist…”

“Zoey,” Tegan said. “I’ve kept the nightmares from Talon for this long. You either need to tell him or go to a therapist so you can work through it without having to tell him. But let me make myself clear once again, I do not agree with not telling him about what you’re dealing with here. He went through the same thing you did that night, it might be for the best if the two of you talked about it.”

“He didn’t make a decision that killed our parents though, now did he?” I spat back at her.

“Neither did you,” she said. “Now stop placing the blame on yourself for sleeping in his room instead of your own that night and learn how to move forward without that guilt.”

“I’m sorry.” I sighed. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you, Tegan. I know you’re only trying to help me, but I don’t know what would honestly help me.”

“You won’t know until you try different options, babe.”

Her loving tone was back.

“Thank you.” My bottom lip quivered. I was on the verge of a break down, and the last thing I wanted was for Tegan to be on the receiving end of it.

“You don’t have to thank me, Zoey. I love you. No matter what you are going through remember I will be here to pick you up when you fall. Just like your brother has been.”

“I love you too.”

“If you need me later, call me back, but I have to get something in this belly of mine before your niece or nephew eats me alive. The little squirt is starving.” She laughed. “Or at least that’s what I’m blaming my ferocious appetite on.”

Laughter bubbled up my throat as the tears I was holding at bay disappeared. “I can’t wait to find out if you’re having a girl or boy.”

“Gosh, me either. It’s all so surreal.”

The happiness in her voice made me unbelievably thankful that Talon had taken me into her dance studio that day. It was like two souls found their home after being apart for far too long.