Graverobbers Wanted (No Experience Necessary) (30 page)

   I noticed a video camera on a tripod in the corner of the cabin. The red light was flashing. "Recording this for posterity?" I asked.

   "
Yep.This'll
help you out in tying up any loose ends with the police, and this way you won't have to take notes. So, look around you, Andrew, because this is where the magic happens."

   I glanced around the cabin. There were numerous bloodstains on the floor, and I recognized the bed from the videos. Various implements of torture were hung on the walls. A small shelf against the far wall contained videotapes, more weapons, and Gaggles, still wearing his cowboy hat.

   "Yeah, this is where we brought the victims. I didn't have anything to do with the actual kidnappings—that was the work of The Apparition and a couple other folks, but once they were here and the cameras were ready to roll...
ooohhh
, baby, we had some good times. I was the guy who did the actual killings. Remember
thespork
?
Good work, huh?"

   "Sure, high quality all around," I muttered.

   Farley was right...I was desperately trying to figure out a way out of this, but what could I do? Any action I took against him would make him drop the bricks, and then Theresa and Kyle would die. I could try to rush him, but was there any way to reach him before he let the bricks fall? I didn't stand a chance.

   "Anyway, that's where the real money for Ghoulish Delights came from. We'd been socking it away, having ourselves a great time while we tried to save up enough to retire somewhere."

   "
Who'swe
?" I asked.

   "
Me
, Michael, and
Jennifer.Your
buddies Rachel, Dominick, Linda, and Carl were all blissfully unaware
ofthereal
Ghoulish Delights. They probably would have been offended by the idea. Some people are so conservative."

   Theresa's leg was wobbling even more. I wanted more than anything to hurry over to her, but that would kill her.

   "So, everything was going fine, until one dark night when Jennifer was snooping around in Michael's computer. And what did she discover but that her dear husband, who was in charge of all the client contact for our made-to-order snuff videos, had been hiding away a lot of money that he never told her about. Where's the sense of trust in marriage these days? So she confronted him, they fought, she stormed off, and then she came over to my place to tell me what he'd done. She was in a vengeful mood and I had nothing against the idea of getting laid for revenge, so we went at it until Michael showed up at my door. I'm sorry, is this story inappropriate for children?"

   "A story involving you having sex is inappropriate for anyone without a cast-iron stomach," I said.

   "
Ooohhh
, good slam for Andrew! Anyway, Michael was all bent out of shape and he threatened to turn us all in. Jennifer managed to calm him down, we all apologized, and Jennifer and Michael decided they needed some time alone, to work things out. So they set up a trip
toEurope
.
Are you sure you don't want to sit down?"

   "I'm fine."

   "But Jennifer, of course, never intended to go
toEurope
.
We decided we were going to kill her scumbag husband in the worst way possible. So, Tuesday night, I threw an unassembled pine coffin into the trunk of my car, forced Michael from his home at gunpoint, and drove him out
toFleetPark
.
I made him dig his own hole, construct his own coffin, then lie down in
it.Stretched
the whole thing out as much as I could—a total blast. But then he started begging for mercy.
Imean
,begging
. It would've broken your heart. I don't know what happened to me, I just felt sorry for the poor guy. So I knocked him out with chloroform and tossed the gun in the coffin before I locked it shut and buried it. That way, you
know
,if
things were too unbearable he could always kill himself. I regretted it later, I mean, what
awuss
thing to do, but don't say I never did anything nice for anyone."

   "Does this mean if I start begging you'll let my kids go?"

   Farley shook his head. "Nah, I'll just drop the brick sooner. Anyway, that should've fixed all our problems, but then we realized we didn't know where the key to his safe was. We tore the place apart, and no key. Finally we decided he had it on him."

   "That sounds like something you should have thought about before you buried him," I remarked.

   "Yeah, well, I never claimed to be a criminal genius. Then the next night that bitch Jennifer decided to go behind my back and hire you to dig up the coffin. Really stupid on her part, but I guess the idea of digging him up herself freaked her out. So I followed her, and really you should be grateful because I ended up saving your life. She planned to kill both of you after you found the key, but my little rampage put a stop to that. So I brought all three of you back here...I'm stronger than I look, by the way...hacked up Jennifer, and figured I'd use Roger as a hostage until I got the money.

   "But then everything turned to shit. I opened the safe, nearly got shot by a poisoned dart, and discovered that the only thing in the safe was a friendly little note. I don't know who was holding the evidence against us, but if Michael didn't get in touch with him by Friday night, tonight, everything was going straight to the FBI. Michael had babbled something about this while I was burying him alive, but I thought it was just a trick to save his life. I realized that I was, in a word, fucked."

   "Not a great feeling, is it?" I asked.

   "Ah, it's not so bad once you get over it. And that's when I decided, to hell with it. I'm not living my life as a fugitive, and I'm certainly not going to prison. I've had a pretty wild life, killed a lot of people. I figured it was time to, as the quote goes, die young and leave a beautiful corpse. But I wanted people to know who I was, what I'd done. I wanted to be famous like
JeffreyDahmer
,
Son of
Sam,Ted
Bundy, all of those guys. So that's where you came in."

   Theresa's leg was now wobbling so violently that I thought she was going to drop at any second. But what could I do? I clenched my fists and gritted my teeth and forced myself not to lunge forward.

   "You were already involved," Farley explained, "so I figured I'd make you my personal spokesperson. I'd put you through an outrageous hell, give you the story of a
lifetime
,even
let you be the one to kill me. I have to say—you did incredibly well. I did hide multiple clues at the graveyard to increase your chances, but still...kudos to you. And I got to reuse my favorite prop, the Dismemberment Game I built for a very special episode of Ghoulish Delights. The questions are really easy to program. I'll let you keep it if you want."

   "No thanks."

   "Anyway, I figured I'd turn your life into an absolutely crazy nightmare, and then my fame would be guaranteed, as would yours. You'd even get the better end of the deal. After all, I'll be dead, and all you'll have done
islose
your children."

   "You don't have to kill them," I insisted. "You want fame? I've gone through enough freaky shit in the past couple days to guarantee you a spot in the Psychopath Hall of Fame."

   "I know, but it's just too good to pass up. Hear the story of
FarleySoukup
from the guy who watched his own children die."

   "I swear, if you hurt them I won't say a goddamn word."

   "Uh-huh. Yeah, right. What're you going to do, bury all the evidence? Hide the bodies of your children and pretend a wild dingo carried them off?"

   Farley turned his wrist slightly, checking his watch. "You know, these bricks are starting to get a bit
heavy.If
you have any final dramatic statement to make, now's the time. Say goodbye to your kids, Andrew. Make it
good.The
camera's rolling."

Chapter 23

    "YOU WANT this to be a game, right?" I asked. "Then give me a chance to try and set them free."

   "You have plenty of chances," said Farley. "It's just that none of them will work."

   I reached down and picked up the crossbow. "Give me
two
shots.One
for each wire
."

   "You're going to snap the wire with an arrow?" Farley asked, tremendously amused.

   "
I'mgonna
try
."

   "Oh, well, don't let me stop you! Hell, if you're that good of a shot you deserve your kids back! But you stay where you are. Come any closer and I drop the bricks."

   "I understand." I held up the crossbow and peered through the sight, aiming it at the wire that connected to Theresa's razor blade necklace.

   "I think there might be an apple somewhere around here, if you want to put it on her head," said Farley.

   I ignored him, kept my arm as steady as possible, and pulled the trigger.

   The bolt shot past the wire, missing it
by about six
inches.Better
than I would've expected.

   "Good shot!" said Farley. "Not good enough, but I'm still impressed. I would applaud, but I don't think you'd appreciate that. Oh well, I guess this means the girl's
dead.Wanna
try to save the boy?"

   I took an arrow out of the quiver, pulled back the bowstring, and locked it in place. Then I took careful aim at Theresa's wire again.

   "Oh, trying for the girl again, huh? I don't blame you.
She'solder
, you've got more of an investment in her."

   I placed my finger on the trigger, took a deep breath, and shot the arrow.

   But not at the
wire.At
the last instant I jerked the crossbow upward, firing at the hook. The explosive-tipped arrow I'd gotten from Dominick hit the ceiling, creating a monstrous ball of fire and sending chunks of wood flying everywhere.

   The noise was deafening. Farley dropped the bricks as he was thrown to the ground, and the hooks and wires fell with them, along with half of the roof.

   I staggered backwards from the impact, accidentally dropping the crossbow, then immediately hurried forward. "Theresa! Kyle! Get out of here!" I screamed, shoving them toward the doorway. The kids rushed for safety, as Farley made a lunge to grab the wire that trailed behind Kyle.

   I kicked Farley in the face before he could manage that. He rolled on his side as some burning wood pieces fell on his leg. I tried to kick him again, but he moved out of the way in time. He grabbed a piece of rubble and threw it at me, grazing my shoulder and instantly causing my arm to go numb. Then he got to his feet.

   "Your kids are
stillgonna
die!" he shouted. "You haven't changed anything!"

   He rushed at me like a football player going for a tackle. As I dodged, I realized my mistake—Farley snatched the crossbow and a razor-lined arrow from the floor. I ran toward him, whipping an arrow from my own quiver.

   He swung the crossbow, bashing me in the temple.
Istumbled
backward several steps and fell on a burning chunk of the ceiling. I cried out and rolled over, frantically batting at my shirt. As I beat out the flames, Farley snapped the arrow into place.

   He fired. The arrow struck me, sinking half its length into my upper arm, jutting out the other side. I couldn't even scream—I could only let out a series of frantic gasps.

   Although the pain was so intense that I wanted nothing more than to just curl up into a little ball and cry, I forced myself to stand up again as Farley picked up another arrow and prepared to fire. This time he shot it into my right leg, inches below the waist. I fell back and crashed into the shelf in an explosion of videos and weapons.

   Farley tossed the crossbow down and glared at me. He walked over to a small dresser beside the bed and opened one of the drawers. "You're lucky I didn't put the arrow through your eye," he said, taking out a handgun. "But I still want you to live."

   He strode toward the doorway. "What do I do now, huh? I guess I hunt down your brats, put a bullet in each of them, and then wait for the cops to show up to investigate the explosion. I can go down in a hail of bullets like Bonnie
andClyde
.
Not as good as my original plan, but what can
youdo
?"

   I moaned and tried to push myself to a sitting position. Farley rolled his eyes and pointed the gun at me.