“Thanks for the offer, Leah, but I can manage.” Jake crossed his arms over his chest and shrugged.
That threw her completely off track, and she turned wide, confused eyes at him. “Manage what?”
“The letter.” He nodded at it still in her hand.
“Oh. Yes. That. Silly me.” She gathered the letters, handed all of them to Jake and then stood. “How could I have forgotten so soon?”
“’Cause you’re a woman.”
“Hey.” She slapped him on the arm. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Just teasing you, Leah.” He winked at her.
Winked. She couldn’t believe her friend just winked at her. Even more befuddling...she couldn’t believe how her heart leaped in response to his wink. What was going on with her? Whatever it was, she wasn’t sure she liked it. “Yes, well, um. I’d better get home now. I have much to do before Phoebe’s wedding. So, I’ll see you later, Jake.” She brushed past him, scurried to her buggy and climbed aboard.
“What’s your hurry?”
“Me? I’m not in a hurry,” she answered without meeting his eyes.
Jake hiked a brow and stared at her. “Okay, Leah. Something’s wrong. What is it?”
Her hands shook and her insides weren’t any better, but she forced herself to not show any of it. “Nothing’s wrong. I just have a lot on my mind, that’s all. And I really do have much to do before the wedding.”
His eyes searched hers, though she wasn’t really looking at him. She couldn’t. If she did, he would see everything.
He shook his head. “Not buying it, Leah. But neither will I push you into talking about what’s bothering you.” Hurt and disappointment marched across Jake’s face. “You got a right to keep your own counsel, I guess.”
Anger with herself for handling it all so badly trounced over her. Gathering her courage, she looked down at him. “Jake, I’m honestly not sure what’s bothering me, or I would tell you.” She looked him right in the eye, wanting to ask but not sure she should. “Do you ever feel like something’s wrong but you don’t know what it is?”
“Yep. Lots of times.”
“You do? What do you do about it?” It was odd being so blunt about what she was feeling. So often, her own feelings had to be tucked away in deference to duty. She took a short breath and pushed those thoughts away.
“I pray and ask God to show me what it is and what to do about it.” Conviction gripped his words. He looked so settled, so solid.
“Pray,” she whispered. How simple, yet why hadn’t she thought of that? “That’s what I’ll do. Thank you, Jake.”
With his free hand, he handed her the lines. “Leah, you know you can talk to me anytime about anything. That I’m here for you, right?”
“Yes.” She knew without a doubt he was. “And I thank you for that. You know that I’m here for you, too, don’t you?”
“Yep.” Jake nodded and smiled a half grin.
After a few moments of gazing silence, he stepped back, out of the way of her buggy. “Better let you go so you can get whatever it is you need to do done. See ya this evening.”
That’s right. She would see Jake this evening. Joy sang through her leaping heart. She gave him her sweetest smile. “Yes. I’ll see you later. I’m looking forward to it.” She meant that more than even she understood and that scared her. She was starting to realize that she needed to be careful because the more time she spent with Jake, the harder it would be for her to say goodbye to him. But say goodbye she must. Her peace of mind and her very sanity depended on it.
Chapter Six
D
ressed in her blue-violet dress, Leah stood at the full-length looking glass in her bedroom and studied her image. The sheer, ruffled lace around her neck, sleeves and skirt looked out of place in the Idaho Territory. Yet tonight it wouldn’t be. Phoebe was marrying the banker’s son, so everyone would be dressing in their best attire.
Leah gave one more glance at herself. Then she turned the key on her jewelry box, removed the tortoiseshell hairpins, placed them into her coiffure hairstyle and stared at them. Father had given them to her for her tenth birthday.
She closed her eyes as memories of that day crashed in on her. Father had been so proud of the combs he himself had picked out. “A special gift for my special girl,” he’d said before tucking them into her hair. He’d stood back and admired her. “You look beautiful, Leah. I’m so proud of you, princess.” He’d hugged her, and she felt the warmth and security of that moment even to this day.
Melancholy shoved through her as she remembered also that there would never be any more hugs from her father. He was gone and nothing could bring him back. This wretched place had stolen him from her.
Short, huffy breaths whooshed between her clenched teeth. She yanked the combs from her hair and put them back into her jewelry box where she couldn’t see them anymore. The reminder of who gave them to her hurt too much.
Without warning, the image of her father gasping for air invaded her thoughts. She slapped her hand over her mouth to stifle the scream the unwelcome intruder regurgitated. Gurgling sounds of her father trying to draw breath flooded her ears. She pressed her hands over them to snuff the ghastly noise from her anguished soul. But neither the image nor the sound stopped.
The urge to scream once again siphoned up her esophagus. She wanted to let it out. To yell at the ugly things attacking her to leave her alone, but she couldn’t— Her family would hear her.
She pinched her eyes shut and swallowed hard as if that would somehow make everything better. When that didn’t work, she leaned over, placed her hands on her knees and drew in several long breaths, exhaling slowly each time until finally the grisly images and sounds faded, and the jitters ceased. Having won that battle, she straightened and pressed her shoulders back. Ghosts of the past would not ruin her evening. Chin up, she headed downstairs.
“Oh, Lee-Lee. You look beautiful.” Abby glanced over her.
“You look pretty gorgeous yourself, Abbs.” The yellow cotton frock layered with white lace on the bodice, skirt and neck brought out the yellow highlights in her sister’s hair. Abby had done an incredible job on that dress. What an excellent seamstress she turned out to be. Leah was so proud of her baby sister.
“Well, look at my girls.” They both turned toward the sound of their mother’s voice. “You both look so lovely. Oh.” She pressed her finger on her lip. “That won’t do. You girls had better go up and change. You’ll outshine the bride, and we can’t have that now, can we?”
“Oh, Mother.” Leah waved her off and beamed under her praise. “You’re so sweet. But I’m certain we, as in the three of us, won’t ‘outshine’ the bride. Trust me. Wait until you see her.”
“Yes, Mother.” Abby cupped her fisted hand under her chin, batted her eyes and sighed dramatically. “It’s the most beautiful gown ever, and Phoebe looks absolutely fabulous in it.”
“What a silly goose you are, Abbynormal.” Leah shook her head at her sister. “You are so dramatic.”
“Yeah. But you love me.”
“I sure do.” She pulled Abby into a hug.
“Okay, ladies. We’d better go or we’ll be late.” Mother gathered her wrap and picked up the gloves that matched her simple yet elegant blue silk dress. “I hope you girls don’t mind, but with Jess and Hannah and Haydon and Rainee having full wagonloads already, I accepted Mr. Barker’s offer to come and pick us up.”
Leah’s excitement plummeted to her button-up shoes.
“We don’t mind. Do we, Leah?” Abby beamed.
Leah wished she shared her sister’s enthusiasm over her mother’s growing friendship with Mr. Barker, but she didn’t, and she minded—a lot. The idea of Mother sitting next to someone who wasn’t her father bothered Leah enormously. Mother was lonely, that Leah knew, and she hated feeling so selfish. She tried not to think only of herself, but the idea drove through her heart like a railroad spike being plunged into the hard ground.
“Leah.” Mother laid a gloved hand on her arm. “You don’t mind, do you? If you do, I will have one of the hands get the surrey ready.”
Despite how she felt, Leah did what she always did—suppressed her true feelings to spare hurting someone else’s. She couldn’t bear to hurt her mother like that, even if it was killing her from the inside out. “No. Of course not, Mother. No need to get the surrey. It was kind of Mr. Barker to offer to take us.”
The sound of wagon wheels crunching on the gravel and a horse whinnying drew their attention outside.
Wraps and gloves gathered and put on, they headed out the door.
God, please help me to overcome this discontentment and to be happy for Mother. Please.
The ride to the church seemed endless, and Leah sent up many more prayers the whole way there. At the church, Mr. Barker pulled his landau alongside the others. He hopped out and helped her and Abby down, then her mother. Mother looped her arm through his and they strolled toward the church door together. As if they were a couple.
Bile rose up Leah’s throat. Everyone was watching. Everyone could see. And they appeared to not even care about that.
Leah wanted to yank her mother’s arm from Mr. Barker’s, but it was not her place to do so. Her mother had every right to do what she wanted and to be with whomever she wanted. Father had been gone a long time now, and this war raging inside of her was her problem, not her mother’s. Still. It hurt. She closed her eyes and fought to keep the tears and frustrations down. The pain, however, was too much to bear.
“It’s hard for you to see your mother on the arm of another man, isn’t it?” Jake’s voice, while low, reached her ears with ease as he stepped up beside her.
She stared up at him, blinking and searching for the answer to her silent question:
How did you know?
She’d told no one.
Without another word, Jake cupped her elbow and led her out of the earshot of others. This time she didn’t care what anyone thought. Right now she needed a friend more than ever. And not just any friend. She needed Jake. He had a way of comforting her. Of making her feel better when no one else could or did.
It wasn’t until they’d made it around the corner of the building that she looked up into his face. “Whatever do you mean?”
“I saw the hurt on your face just now when you watched your mother walk away with Mr. Barker, Leah. And I have to say, I know exactly how you feel.”
“You—you do?” She searched his eyes for the truth.
“Yep.”
“How can you possibly know?”
“I know because when my mama decided to get remarried, I had a terrible time with it. Hated seeing her with someone other than Papa. But the truth is, it didn’t take long to get over it.”
“Why’s that?” Leah needed to hear his answer. She needed the selfish feelings she harbored about this over, too. Those same feelings that now had her head lowering in guilt and shame.
“Because I saw how happy Mama was, that’s why. And I realized how selfish I’d been by not considering how lonely she was without Papa around.” He tilted her chin upward with his forefinger. “It gets easier. Honest. And Mr. Barker’s a good man.”
Tears blurred her vision and coated her heart. “But he’s not Father.”
“No. He isn’t. And no one can take your father’s place. But your father’s gone, Leah. You’re mother isn’t. Life goes on whether we like it or not. You have a big heart. Open it up and let Mr. Barker in. If you can’t do it for you, then do it for your mother. She needs you to.” He released her chin.
After a brief moment, Leah shifted her attention over to the small flock of people heading into the church. “I know you’re right,” she said not looking at him. “I need to. For Mother’s sake, if nothing else. It’s just so hard sometimes. And it hurts so badly. My father was a wonderful man.” Her throat constricted. “And he and Mother were so happy.” She closed her eyes, fighting back the flood of unshed tears.
Jake gently turned her face toward him and held it just long enough, until her eyes opened and their gazes locked. The compassion in those soft gray eyes of his revealed just how much he really did understand what she was going through. Knowing he understood what it was like to lose a father one dearly loved, she wanted to pour out her heart to him, to tell him about the nightmares she had and how hard it had been for her all these years since her father’s death.
The opportunity passed with the ringing of the church bell at that precise moment.
Another time, perhaps. She took a deep breath and let determination fill the place sorrow had been.
“We’d better get inside,” Jake said as if he’d read her thoughts. He led her to a small group of people near the door. Once there, he stepped back, waiting until everyone preceded him, including her. To keep the tongues from wagging, she couldn’t sit with Jake, so Leah joined her mother and even managed to smile at Mr. Barker, who returned it with a large one of his own.
Mother beamed. Her lips curled with approval, and her eyes twinkled with joy.
Yes, Leah decided. She could do this, and she would. For her mother’s sake she would try her hardest to. However, in the very next second, doubt assailed her with the question: If she accepted her mother’s relationship with Mr. Barker, was she somehow denigrating the memory of her father?
* * *
Jake sat on the small bench nearest the door. Being close to a quick means of escape was the only way he could handle being shut in with such a close group of people.
The pastor began the ceremony. He talked about marriage and how sacred it was and how it shouldn’t be entered into lightly.
Jake’s focus slid to Leah, sitting directly in front of him. He wished it was he and Leah standing there exchanging their vows. Immediately he scattered that wishful yet ridiculous thought away with a shake of his head.
The words “Do you promise to love her?” echoed off the rafters.
Love. Markus’s love for Phoebe was written all over him and the conviction of it was in his strong response, “I will.”
Again Jake glanced at Leah. He knew he couldn’t make that same promise before God. Sure, he cared deeply for Leah. But love? He didn’t think so. He wasn’t even sure how a person knew when they were in love.
Jake forced himself to remember it wouldn’t be Leah standing up there when the time came, anyway. He wondered about the nameless, faceless person that would stand next to him. What would she be like? And could he ever love her the way Markus loved Phoebe?
A latecomer slipped in through the door, breaking through his thoughts. An old man looked down at Jake and with a quick jerk of his thumb motioned for Jake to move over.
Jake froze.
The world tilted and then began to close in around him. The man now stood between him and his only way of escape. There wasn’t room for the man to slip between him and the pew in front of him because of Jake’s long legs and the man’s portly size. So he chose the only other option left to him. Jake shifted his legs sideways and motioned the large man who was about as round as he was tall to the other side of him.
More wrinkles lined the man’s weathered face. His lips pursed and his eyes narrowed. With a quick jerk of his chubby thumb, he signaled for Jake to move. Then he moved his rotund body closer, until he towered over Jake, crowding him in.
Jake fought to keep down the rising panic in his chest. Not because the man scared him, but because he suddenly felt trapped. Every Sunday he came to church there and sat in his spot near the door, knowing he could leave at any time. But that wasn’t the case now.
His eyes darted about the room that seemed to be getting smaller and smaller.
His fingers tingled, and his palms dampened.
Chilled sweats crawled up and down his spine.
His heart tapped rapidly against his ribs.
Air.
His lungs needed air.
And now.
Jake sent the man the most intimidating warning glare he could muster to get him to move out of his way. The old man’s eyes widened and he stepped back. Relief barreled over Jake that it had worked. Jake stood and fought the urge to bolt from the church. He left the building as fast as he could without causing a scene or disrupting the ceremony. Once outside, he scrambled into the woods behind the church as far and as fast as he could, hoping and praying no one had noticed his leaving.
He stopped in the midst of a cluster of cottonwood trees and rested his back against one of the large trunks, wheezing in the cool air.
His arms ached. Felt heavy even.
Sharp pains pressed into his chest. He flattened his hand against his heart. In rapid successions it thumped, thumped, thumped against his fingers.
Closing his eyes, he groaned as the feeling of impending doom blanketed him. Thinking straight was beyond his ability.
He panted like an overheated mountain lion.
It was all he could manage just to stay standing.
“Jake?”
Leah.
Oh, no.
He yanked himself up from the tree but swayed dangerously with the sudden movement. Jake didn’t want her to see him like this, so he turned his back to her and tried harder to right his breathing and regain control over his body. It wasn’t working nearly as fast or as well as he would have liked.
A second passed and she came around to the front of him.
He turned, placing his back to her again.
“Jake?” She moved in front of him again.
He started to turn, but her hand clutched his forearm with a strength he didn’t know she possessed. “Jake, look at me.” She shook him not hard but enough to cause the swimming in his head to stop. “What’s wrong? Do you need a doctor?” Concern warbled through her voice.
Jake wanted to comfort her, but he simply couldn’t right now. He needed to concentrate on breathing.