He finished the meditation, though it wasn’t the most serene twenty minutes he’d ever had. When he went back to his room and turned his phone on, there was another text from Stewart.
‘
Missing you like a madman, by the way. Call you soon
.’
Doug grinned and fell back onto the pillows. Just like that, the pendulum swung the other way, and he went from gloom and doom to bunnies and rainbows, happiness spreading through him like warm honey. He laughed at himself, closing his eyes and covering them with his hand. “Oh, man,” he groaned. “I am so fucked.”
Love. You vicious bitch of a puppet master.
Doug became vaguely aware of a banging coming from outside. He had in fact been hearing it for a couple minutes, but Stewart’s text and his own dreamy thoughts had pushed it to the periphery of his senses. He sat up in bed, then leaned over, pulling the window shade back.
Corey was in the driveway outside the garage, repeatedly kicking a wide flat suitcase across the ground. He picked it up by the handle, then flung it at the garage. When it bounced off the wall and landed at his feet, he jumped on top of it, slamming his feet down. “Fuck you!” he shouted. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, youuuuuu!”
Doug’s eyes widened. “Holy shit.”
Corey jumped off the case and it popped open. He slammed it shut with his foot. Doug realized now that it was a portable massage table Corey was attacking, folded up into a wide, flat casing.
Corey lifted it by the handle again, whirling around in a circle before letting it go. The case hit the closed garage door and one of the small windows shattered. “Fuck you!”
Doug hesitated a moment, then sprinted out of the bedroom, to the back door. He pulled it open and stepped onto the porch. “Corey, what are you—”
Doug ducked as Corey picked up the case and flung it in his direction. The table caught on the porch railing, then dropped to the ground below. Doug slowly raised himself up.
Corey paced in front of the garage, hands on his hips. Slowly, Doug moved down the steps and approached him. “Corey?”
Corey stopped pacing and whirled around, his pale eyes tight, glimmering like he was on the edge of tears. “What?”
Doug glanced at the broken window. “What are you doing?”
“I’m minding my own fucking business, Doug!”
“You broke the window.”
Corey glanced over at it. “I’ll buy Anna a new one.” He walked over to the porch, kicked the massage table aside, and sat down, head in his hands.
Doug was wary to approach him, so he stayed a few feet back. “Why are you beating up your massage table?”
Corey lifted his head. “I can’t work.” He looked at Doug. “I had a client today. I couldn’t help him.” He shook his head. “Couldn’t help him. My energy...” He twirled his hand beside his head. “It’s so fucked up and twisted right now that I can’t even heal. I’m broken. I hope you’re happy.”
Doug took a step toward him. “You hope I’m happy? Why would that make me happy?”
“Because
you
,” he pointed, “are responsible. Your bad energy started a domino effect that caused all of this.”
Doug sighed. “Corey, come on. I thought we were past this...fucking insanity. And didn’t you remove my
bad
energy?”
Corey stood and stepped off the porch. “Yeah, you’re all clear, now. Look at you. All calm and peaceful. But it’s too little too late. The damage is already done.”
“What are you talking about? I didn’t—”
“I had a handle on things!” he shouted, getting in Doug’s face.
Doug took a step back. “Corey—”
“I was in control! My world wasn’t perfect, but it was balanced.” His eyes trailed over Doug. “And then you slithered in, turning everything rotten. And suddenly up is down, black is white, people are hating on me, and I’m getting punched in the fucking face!” He pointed to the fading shiner under his eye.
“Corey, calm down.”
Corey’s head fell back and he let out a shrill cackle. “Calm
down
?”
Doug took another step back. He didn’t think Corey would touch him, but he wasn’t taking any chances. Corey was beyond agitated, and he was not a small guy.
“Doug wants me to calm down.”
“Yes, I do. Take a breath.”
Corey glared at him, his face flushing red. “My world is blown to pieces. My life is falling apart. I can’t work. I lost my best friend. I’m
heartbroken
!” he screamed, pounding his chest with his fist.
Doug flinched.
“But you stand there and tell me to
calm
down.”
Doug took a deep breath. “I’m sorry.”
“You.” He pointed a finger in Doug’s face. “You are destruction incarnate.”
“You can’t blame me!” Doug said. “I didn’t do anything to you, Corey. I didn’t make anyone punch you in the face, I didn’t screw up your healing energy, and I didn’t make Stewart leave you.”
Corey gasped, his mouth falling open. “Stewart?” He stepped backward, hands going to his head. “OH my GOD.” He turned in a circle, laughing. “Oh my God.” He looked at Doug. “That’s what you think, isn’t it? You think Stewart left me for
you
.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“But it’s what you think!” Corey laughed harder, bending over, hands on his knees. “Oh my God. You sad, sad little man.”
Doug’s jaw stiffened. He forced himself to calm, taking deep, slow breaths through his nose.
“Oh my God. You really have no idea.” Corey straightened up, laughter trailing out of him. “You called me crazy once, remember?”
“I think it was more than once,” Doug said warily. “But yeah, I remember.”
Corey nodded. “You called me crazy. But you have no fucking clue how messed up Stewart is.” He jabbed a thumb into his chest. “
I
kept him grounded.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You ever wonder why Stewart stayed with me so long? Putting up with me sending him out of his own house so I could fuck guys in our bed? Stewart’s an emotional train wreck, Doug. Do you know what his parents did to him?”
“I know he had some issues with them,” Doug said.
“Oh, we’ve all got mommy and daddy issues,” Corey said. “But Stewart’s parents didn’t just slap him around and send him to his room. They sent him to another
country
. They didn’t even want him in on the same continent. He’s got this big ball of rejection and abandonment issues just
coiled
up inside him. And he never let me heal him.”
Doug frowned. “You never...did your magic massage thing on him?”
“He wouldn’t let me. ‘Of course I feel rejected, I was fucking rejected’” Corey said, imitating Stewart’s accent. “He chooses to deal with it himself, thinking it doesn’t affect his life at all.” Corey laughed. “Doesn’t affect his life. Pshaw! That’s what
really
cracks me up.”
Corey’s anger seemed to be subsiding somewhat despite his continued rant, so Doug stayed quiet, letting him spill it out.
“Don’t you get it, Doug? Stewart could never be happy with someone like you. Look at you! Your big puppy dog eyes, that desperate, needy energy. You might as well have a sign on your chest that says ‘Wuv me, pwease!’”
“Okay.” Doug held his hands up. “That’s enough.”
“Seriously, though. You think Stewart’s ever gonna go for that? If someone shows Stewart total, unconditional love, it freaks him the fuck out. His family taught him he wasn’t good enough to be loved. That’s why he needed me, a guy that would reject him over and over and over again. He
wanted
me to fuck other guys, it was the only way he could feel normal. He couldn’t handle me loving just him.”
“I don’t believe that,” Doug said.
“Believe it. Stewart’s fucked up. He is the way he is. And he’s not gonna change. Not for you. Not for anyone. But I was handling him. It wasn’t easy. But I kept all my balls in the air. We had balance. Until—”
“Yeah, yeah, until I came along,” Doug said, exasperated. “Me, the destroyer of worlds. I’m going inside, Corey. Try not to break anything else.”
Doug stormed back into his apartment and closed the door. Squeezing his eyes shut, he took a deep breath and let it out slowly.
He got a beer out of the fridge and went into the living room, sitting down on the sofa. Taking a long swill off the bottle, he stared down at the floor.
He didn’t know if he believed the things Corey said about Stewart. But he didn’t entirely disbelieve them, either.
“Fuck.”
Chapter Nineteen
Doug slept fitfully Saturday night, Corey’s words taunting him. But he got up Sunday morning and went for a run, pushing himself hard, trying to think things through. He went back and forth in his mind, playing out every scenario. If what Corey said was true, then Doug could never be happy with Stewart. Because he could never
make
Stewart happy. And while he truly passed no judgment on people who chose open relationships, he knew he could never handle one himself.
Of course Stewart had never said he wanted exclusivity with Doug, that was his own hopeful, and perhaps naïve assumption. But then Stewart hadn’t really said much of anything, had he?
“I want you in my life, too. And it’s gonna be all good. You just have to trust me, and give me a little time.”
In his life. But in what capacity? Corey had called Doug needy and desperate. But Doug hadn’t been that way with Stewart. Hell, he’d refrained from asking any questions because he didn’t want to come off that way. And because of his caution, he now had no answers at all. It was unsettling. He was already far too wrapped up in Stewart to be left in the dark like this.
After getting home and showering, Doug called Wyatt and asked if it would be all right if he stopped by. He needed his brother, someone who would be straight with him, and have an outsider’s point of view. Wyatt told him to come by for lunch, so he got dressed, and after meditating and doing some laundry, headed over there.
Just seeing his brother made him feel more solid. Wyatt showed up at the door with a giggling Mandy on his shoulders. “Who’s that, Mandy?” Wyatt asked, bouncing her.
Mandy pointed a chubby finger at Doug. “Gug.”
“That’s right, Uncle Doug. Come on in,” Wyatt said, stepping back.
“Gug!” Mandy said, reaching her arms out.
“Hey, you,” Doug said, taking the baby off Wyatt’s shoulders. He kissed her curly head and carried her on his hip, following Wyatt into the kitchen.
“Hey, little brother,” Beth, said, giving him a kiss on the cheek. “Lunch is all set up outside. Give me the little madam, I have to change her diaper.”
Mandy looked up at Doug with huge, baby blue eyes. He grinned at her. “Do you stink, Mandy?”
“Skinks,” she said.
Beth laughed and took the baby from him. “We’ll be down in a minute. Come on, stinky.”
Doug and Wyatt sat at the patio table on the deck, digging into the sandwiches and potato salad. “What’s wrong?” Wyatt asked.
“Just needed to talk to someone sane.”
Wyatt laughed. “If I was a betting man, I’d guess this is about Stewart.”
Doug laughed. “Oh God, I’m getting predictable.”
Wyatt smiled. “Come on. Talk to me. I’ll try to be the sane voice of reason you think I am.”
Doug gave Wyatt a condensed version of his conversation with Corey and his situation with Stewart, leaving out the sex parts and other embarrassing details. When he’d finished, Wyatt shrugged, popping an olive into his mouth. “You have to call him,” he said, chewing.
“That’s it? That’s all you’ve got for me?”
“In my opinion, you have every right to ask Stewart just what the hell is going on in his head. It doesn’t matter that he just broke up with Corey, he’s given you more than enough reason to expect things to move forward. The guy’s basically asked you to put your life on hold for him, so yeah. Call him up and tell him you want to see him. Now.”
“I know,” Doug said, scowling. “But is it too soon? I have all these feelings for the guy but I don’t want to come off as whiny needy baby man. He did say he was gonna explain everything eventually.”
Wyatt wiped his mouth with a napkin and pushed his glasses up. “How long is eventually? You don’t know. Screw that. You deserve to know now. Especially after that shit Corey said to you. If Stewart is the train wreck Corey claims he is, then don’t you want to know now, rather than later?”
Doug nodded. “You’re right. You’re absolutely right.”
Wyatt threw his hands in the air. “Yes! That’s twice you’ve told me I was right lately. I could get used to this. Beth’s always telling me I’m wrong. About everything.”
“I heard that,” she said, carrying a freshly changed Mandy out onto the deck. “Doug, stop scowling and eat your sandwich.”
He grinned, picking his sandwich up. “Yes, Mom.”
After lunch, Wyatt took Doug into his study and poured them both a whiskey. “Okay,” Wyatt said once they’d sat down in the cozy leather chairs. “Call him.”
“What, right now?”
Wyatt nodded. “If you don’t do it now, you’ll just leave here and brood around your house, then change your mind.”
“I’m not calling him in front of you.”
“Then text him if you’re such a chicken shit.”
Doug laughed. “Okay. I’ll text him.” He pulled his phone out, glancing at Wyatt. “Don’t watch me, you’re making me nervous.”
Wyatt laughed, taking a sip of whiskey. “Not looking.”
Doug opened a text window and frowned at it, trying to decide what to say. He sighed, and began to type.
‘
Hey. Can I see you soon? I don’t want to pressure you, but I feel like we have to talk. About everything
.’
He hesitated, not sure if he should send it.
“Let me see,” Wyatt said, waving his fingers for the phone.
“You don’t need to check my work,” Doug said. “I’m not in kindergarten.”
“Just let me see what you wrote.”
Doug handed him the phone.
Wyatt looked down his nose at the screen, then nodded. “That’s fine. That’s perfect.” He handed the phone back to Doug. “Sent.”
Doug’s eyes widened. “You sent it?” He looked at his phone. “Damn it, Wyatt! That wasn’t your call.”