Hammer (18 page)

“Tank,” I sigh, finding comfort in the familiar.

“You okay?”

“No.” Then I stop myself. It’s not fair to drop anything on his plate. After all, I am here because of my wishes, not his. “Yes, I’m okay. I’m just missing everyone.”

“I know, but we can’t call and shit. Don’t want there to be a trail.”

He is right. I shouldn’t have even risked the call. At this point, I don’t care if they find me, but I definitely don’t want trouble for the Hellions … or the Regulators.

“Are there any leads?”

He blows out a breath. “I wish I could share with you, but I can’t. I wish I could ease your mind, but I can’t. I
can
tell you that we’re looking into it and the Regulators have their resources on it. You’re safe where you are, but don’t take any unnecessary risks.”

I fight back the tears of disappointment. I know club business is club business, and I know he is trying to keep me safe, but sitting back, saying and doing nothing, is killing me inside.

“Give Red my love and tell Sass I miss her.”

“I will. She’ll be happy to know we heard from you. Where’s Hammer?”

“At his place.”

“Where the fuck are you?” he asks angrily.

“Outside for a run.”

I hear the phone move like he’s covering it. He mumbles some words then comes back to me. “Tell me you aren’t alone.”

“That would be a lie,” I say with a little more attitude than I intended.

“Get your ass back to that condo and don’t leave alone!” he roars over the line.

Anger fills me. “Don’t tell me what to do. I can take care of myself.”

“Dammit, Des, we’re trying to keep you safe. Get your ass back to Hammer’s.”

I know he is just worried and trying to do right by me, but I don’t want to be stuck to Ethan like glue. If I am around him much more, I might give into his dirty mouth and his sexy body. Regardless of my desires toward Ethan, I don’t want to have Tank worried, especially being so far away.

“I’ll go back.”

“Until we give you the all clear, you don’t go out without a Regulator at your back, Desirae. I’m serious.”

“I get you. Give everyone my hello. I miss you guys.”

“We miss you. Now take your ass back to Hammer’s.” He ends the call without a good-bye, which isn’t something he’s big on, anyway.

Walking back, I can’t help still feeling wound up. So much for a run to take the edge off.

As I round the corner of the building, I look over my shoulder to see Coal keeping a steady pace behind me. Huh, I wasn’t alone. I should have known better. I have had eyes on me the whole time. Well, Tank will be happy to learn this. Me, I just need to feel like I can breathe.

In front of the door to the stairs, I pause. The elevator would be faster, but the stairs give me a few more moments to myself. I have a job to do, and I’m going to do that. No entanglements with Ethan, business only. At the front door, I pause, holding the metal handle in my hand.
Steel yourself, Desirae.

Chapter

14

~Hammer~

Day one: Mission is active. Nightmare engaged at approximately twenty-two hundred, and by twenty-two forty-two, target was resting comfortably. Primary target is currently asleep in my arms.

Being away from the Regulators’ day to day world for so long has me missing the action. Sure I have checked in, and I still get my cut from the businesses as well as our government black ops stuff, but I miss the focus of having a mission. I miss working together to develop a strategy to be on the winning end of the battle. Well, Drill Sergeant Bust My Balls, my new mission is winning you over.

Nothing has ever seemed to matter more to me before.

She stirs, and I squeeze her shoulders, hoping she will stay beside me. When she sits up, I sigh. Thankfully, she hasn’t put up a fight about me sleeping in here with her. Whether she’s ready to admit it or not, she needs me as much as I need her. We fit, and I’m going to show her just how much. I will be the safe place for her to fall. I will be her partner to carry her burdens. I will be here to chase every nightmare away.

“It’s time to start the day, Ethan.” Her eyes show the determination not to give in to this attraction between us as she pushes off and scurries away to the bathroom. I know she’s using it to hide from me, and it only pushes me harder.

Instead of giving her space, I get up, making my way to the kitchen to beat her to her secondary escape. A few minutes later, she enters the kitchen, the surprise on her face evident.

“Good morning, sunshine.”

Even though I am stiff, I fight back the pain as I move around. My legs burn, but I need her to see me as a whole man who is able to be strong for her.

Her face pales and darkness encroaches in her eyes. “Do. Not. Call. Me. That. Ever.”

I step into her space. “It wasn’t my intention to upset you.” I read the file Screech got for me. I know what the name means. I just didn’t think it would evoke this response.

I know her sister was her best friend, so I was trying to bring back the happy parts of her past. She can’t leave it all tucked away as bad. If that was the case, her sister’s life would be a waste, and no life is worthless. It took time for me to learn that.

Even though my dad is gone, he taught me more in his lifetime than some people ever get from their father’s. Rather than be bitter for the loss, I try to be strong for my mother and brother like he would if he were here. I want her to see that, if Suzie were here, she would still want Desirae to find the sunshine. I just need her to see it.

Her eyes soften. “That’s my sister’s nickname.”

“Talk to me.” I reach out and cup her chin.

“Hammer, let it go.” She tries to pull away from me, obviously using my road name again to try to put emotional distance between us since I won’t let her put physical distance there.

I cage her in against the kitchen counter. “I don’t wanna.” It’s time to man up and give her what I gave her in the dark of night. “You wanna heal me, Desirae.”

I see the recognition in her eyes. She heard me. Well, good, now she’s going to see me as I lay it out to her, eye to eye.

“You wanna heal my broken body, Desirae. I wanna heal your broken soul. I can’t give you your sister back, but I can show you how to live again. We both died a little inside, and together, we can learn to live again.”

She blinks and swallows hard.

An idea hits me. It may not be smart, but it’s what I have in the moment.

“Ride with me?”

Her eyes go wide. “On a motorcycle?”

“Yeah, my legs and hips can handle the vibrations for a short ride. You know not to wiggle. We won’t go long. We can escape together. It’ll be me, you, and the open road.”

Knowing this is crazy and dangerous, she still somehow manages to nod her head.

I drop a quick kiss to her lips then back away so we both can go put on jeans and boots. Then we head out to the elevator where I take her hand in mine, and she doesn’t fight me. I will take this as a win. We are getting somewhere, and we are getting there together.

I remember when I took the stairs every day, and now I can’t imagine making the five flights without being in pain by the end.

The sunlight hits as soon as we exit the building, and there sits my one and only woman, my Harley. I trace my finger over her every curve as I visually inspect the machine. She is black and orange with a custom paint job of a Hammer on the gas tank.

Hopping on, I wave Desirae on behind me. She climbs on like a professional and settles in behind me. Leaning in, I feel her breath on my neck.

“Helmet?”

I smile as I crank the engine and let it come to life under us. “Florida, baby; no helmet law.”

She wraps her arms around me tightly. “You do like to live dangerously, don’t you?”

I laugh. “You have no idea.”

Backing out, I let my hips settle into the seat, molding into the bike. We make the slow ride out of the complex and hit the road. Then I twist the throttle and relax as the wind hits my face, and Desirae holds me with her laughter in my ear.

In my entire life, I have never felt more alive and free than I do in this very moment with her. For the first time since my father died, I can see myself having what he once had with my mom. For years, I walked the edge, not caring if I lived to see another day. I was a soldier. I was trained, did what was commanded, and sent money home. I didn’t live. Sure, I had fun along the way, but I never had my own reason for anything … until the curly-haired, feisty physical therapist came into my life.

I know the ride can’t be too long without putting her in danger, so I choose the roads that will take us in a slow loop with a view of the beach along the way. I hope the view will give Des some of the peace she desperately needs.

We move as one as the beach comes into view, and I hear her gasp. Something tells me this was just what she needed.

It is late afternoon, so the sand is packed with men, women, and children playing in the sand, splashing in the water, and laughing. In this moment, I realize I have gone about everything wrong. I have spent my life running from feeling and being connected to anyone new. Being here with Desirae, I don’t want to have a moment without her. Seeing the crowds of people free to feel, it makes me look at her and all she has lost. This is what I want for her: happiness. I just hope I can show her she can find it with me.

We ride along the stretch of road that parallels the beach for another thirty minutes. Having her settle in behind me, her arms wrapped tightly around me, is peaceful. We need no words between us.

I reach down with my left hand and give her thigh a squeeze. I’m not a man of words, but I am one of action. While some of my actions have pushed her away, I hope she can see I fucked up. I don’t plan to again, though. I want her more, and I want to see where this attraction between us can go.

When I feel the pain building more, I make my way back. I wish I didn’t have to cut this ride so short, but my hips are starting to ache.

Frustration builds as she tries to hide from me in our home the minute we get there. Yes,
our
home. We share the space, and I find I like it that way.

Standing outside the bathroom, I wait for her to emerge, and when the door opens, she is surprised to find me right there and in her space.

“Baby, I’m the master at pretending, so don’t pretend with me. Don’t pretend you don’t feel something. Don’t pretend the ride didn’t mean something. And don’t pretend you’re not trying to shut it all down right now.”

She looks at the ground, but I tip her chin up with my hand.

“I see something I want, and I’ve never been one to hold back. I feel something I’ve never felt before, and I don’t allow myself to give in to the fear of the unknown. Jump, fly, soar, leap, but baby, don’t fucking hold back for one minute, because life is too damn short and damn sure unfair.”

~Desirae~

He makes me feel too much. On the ride, I found myself letting go and allowing myself to be in the moment with him. Part of me craves the challenge he is and the life we could have together. I lived with the Hellions long enough to know that bikers love long and hard and without holding back.

I see the way he looks at me now. He’s hungry, and there is this emotion in his eyes that I don’t even think he could define for himself yet. I want to give in and let myself have this time with him. I want to see where this can go.

Then a part of me feels like it’s not fair to feel anything at all when my sister can no longer feel things. It’s a conundrum I haven’t figured out yet.

What do you do when you lose the person you loved most in the world? Do you force yourself to dredge through each minute, hour, and day, mourning what you have lost and all the things that can never be? Or do you put the pedal to the metal and live life one hundred miles per hour, basically saying “fuck the brakes”?

The man in front of me makes me yearn for the latter.

Breathlessly, I whisper, “You tempt me.”

“Oh, baby, I’m gonna do more than tempt you.”

He tries to kiss me, but I turn my head away at the last moment.

“Wait. That’s the problem!” I tell him breathlessly.

Pulling his head back, he says, “What problem, woman? The only problem I see right now is that we’re fully clothed and not kissing.”

I grab both sides of his neck, stand on my tip-toes to get eye level with him, and lay out the reality of what this could mean. “You do realize that, if we do this, cross that line, we’re still going to have to live together afterward, right?”

A slow grin spreads across his face. “Of course I do. Why would I have a problem with that?”

Is the man short on marbles or something?

“You go through women the way I go through underwear, Ethan! You’re not just going to be able to toss me aside once we’re done having sex!”

His smile slips away, followed by a determined expression. “You’re the first woman I’ve never wanted to toss out of my bed, Des. The first woman who’s ever captured more of my interest besides what’s below my belt. And as far as I’m concerned, you staying here with me after I’ve tasted you just means I get to spend more time getting to know you in every way a man can know a woman.” His hands tighten on my body as he bends his head down until I feel him skim his lips over my cheek, working his way to the shell of my ear. “I’m not exactly good with words, so how about I prove to you that actions speak louder?” he whispers before nibbling my ear. Then his lips crash down on mine.

His kiss is the essence of vitality. Against my will, I feel pieces of me on the inside come back to life with a vengeance. His tongue delves into my mouth, and it makes me hungry for more of him. I shouldn’t give up this easily. I should slam my barriers back into place somehow and walk away. But I’m so tired of feeling dead on the inside. Even if it is just for a short while, I want to
live
… to feel … to experience something good in life instead of drowning in the bad.

This man is my temporary life jacket. I’m going to take what he so obviously wants to give me for a few hours so I can feel more than dead on the inside.

Letting my desires drive me, I reach up and grab both sides of his neck. I can feel his heartbeat thumping wildly against my hands, and it invigorates me.