Hammer (24 page)

Stalking through the club’s front doors, I push my way through the crowd, ignoring the greetings of my brothers and the invitations from the dancers and head straight for the pretty brunette bartender.

Plopping my ass on a stool, I order a double shot of whiskey. The bartender raises an eyebrow in a silent question I don’t bother to answer. Then she pours my drink and slides it across the bar to me.

I down the burning liquid in a few gulps, slam the glass back on the bar top, and demand another. She silently pours me a second drink, which I drain just as fast as the first.

The next time I motion with my fingers for her to fill me up again, she doesn’t pour right away.

“You gonna be able to walk out of here tonight, boss man?”

I snort at the irony of her words.
Walk out of here
. Hell, I can barely walk period. After today, what the fuck does it matter if I can drunkenly walk myself anywhere?

Bracing my hands on the bar top, I lean forward and growl, “Do I look like I care about how the fuck I get out of here tonight? Right now, all I want is enough alcohol to erase my day. So do me a favor, babe; pour my drinks and leave me the fuck alone.”

Her eyes go wide at my statement, because I have never talked to her or any of the other girls that way. Coal is the one who is always an asshole to them. Ice is nice but professional. Me? I used to give them loads of sugar so they would give me all of their sass and spice. Now, I couldn’t care less what a single one of them think of me.

I just pushed the only woman who mattered to me besides my mother out of my life.

Any other broad isn’t even a blip on my radar.

~Desirae~

He let me go. For the first time in my life, I had something for myself, and I couldn’t hold on to it. I stand in Evan’s living room and sob, my hands covering my face as I do my best to muffle my cries. Pulling my hands down from my eyes, I wipe the tears off my cheeks and glance at my new surroundings.

Evan’s place is smaller than Ethan’s but nicer. Outfitted more like a home instead of just a place to stay, it looks cozy with throw pillows on the couch and an ottoman to rest your feet on. Yet, I don’t feel at home at all because my home just walked out the door and left me behind.

Shaking my head, I push those thoughts away. I can get by until the Hellions get here. Tank will take me home, and I can find a way to start over. It’s funny, when I took the job to be Tank’s personal physical therapist, Suzie was worried about me tying my life to a motorcycle club.

“Well, Suzie, your shit rained down a storm on my life, not theirs. Who would have thought that would be my life story?”

I let the tears fall for my sister. I let the tears fall for the life I left behind in North Carolina. I let the tears fall for the man I love who walked out of the door and out of my life. I let the tears fall and fall.

Evan comes out and wraps his arms around me. The McCoy men are good huggers. I want to laugh, but I can’t. I cry. It is all I can seem to manage.

Evan holds me silently as I let it all out in the ugliest way possible, and I can’t even bring myself to care. When I finally seem all cried out, he pulls away, and thank the good Lord above, he doesn’t make a comment about the state in which I have left his shirt. I look up into his eyes, the same eyes his brother has, and I can see his pain there.

“You’re safe now, Desirae. I’m sorry—”

“Don’t, Evan. Don’t apologize for your brother.”

He smirks. “Oh, I’m not apologizing for him. He’s a dick.”

I give a half-grin at that.

“I’m sorry about Ricca getting you.”

“At least I don’t have to hide anymore,” I say, trying to stay positive as the adrenaline leaves my body, and I start to feel the pain. “Do you have something for pain?” I ask, feeling weak.

His eyes grow dark. “Des, I don’t have anything stronger than a heating pad.”

My eyes grow big at the horrifying thought of a home with no Motrin, he simply smiles. There is something about those McCoy boys that instantly calms my nerves.

He shrugs. “I had a problem a few years back. Ethan helped me out, and I don’t give myself any temptations, not even the over-the-counter kind.”

I raise an eyebrow at him. “You work in a bar; how can you resist that?” I give a half serious laugh. “I could use a drink or, like, eight right now.”

We both laugh.

“Eight drinks and you’d be hugging the toilet, babe. As for me, my brother owns part of that bar, and I don’t wanna do anything that could bring him more pain than he’s already had in this lifetime.”

Instantly, my heart hurts for Ethan. I guess that’s what love does.

My mind begins to wonder about Ethan and how he really is doing. I know he is pushing me away because he thinks he failed me. I wish I could get him to understand that the only way he failed me was by leaving me. He should know by now that I don’t measure a man by the strength of his body, but by the will of his soul. And Ethan’s soul is a beautiful thing under that cloudy, gruff exterior he shows the world. If only he could learn to trust himself as much as I have learned to trust him … I’m not sure I will ever be able to make him see what I see in him: not a broken man, but one who is loyal and determined to protect those he cares for.

I move to sit on the couch as my whole body begins to hurt.

Tank is on his way. Can I really leave? Can I really go back to North Carolina?

The answer is simple.

“Can I use your phone, Evan?” I ask, not knowing where mine is.

After reaching in his back pocket, he then tosses me his cell.

I swipe the screen and dial the one number I know by heart.

“Hello,” she answers, and I hear Red, their son, in the background.

“Sass, it’s me. Des.”

“Oh, my God! Girl, I have missed you!”

I smile. “I miss you, too.”

“I can’t wait till Tank gets you home.”

Sighing, I take the biggest risk of my life. “About that … Will you call him back home?”

“What?” she screeches. “Have you lost your mind? Did you get hit in the head or some shit?” And that is why she’s Sass. She never holds back.

“No, I haven’t lost my mind, and yes, I was technically hit in the head, but I’m serious. I wanna stay here.”

“Desirae Shythe!”

“Don’t you get all mother hen on me. Look, I met someone.”

She sighs lovingly.

“I can’t give up on him.”

“You know the boys all miss you.”

“I know, but I’ve gotta see where this can go, or I’ll never know.”

“I get you. I’ll make the call.”

“Thanks,” I say with a smile.

“If you wanna come home, one call, Des, one fucking call and we’re there.”

With that, I give her a good-bye, knowing she meant every word. That’s the Hellions. They will always be there for me. Only two questions in my mind remain: Can I find the same thing with the Regulators one day? Can I get back what Ethan and I started to build between us?

Chapter

19

One Month Later

~Hammer~

“Enough,” Evan says, picking up the glass on the table in front of me. “I’ve had enough, and the boys care too much about you to tell you they’ve had enough, too.”

Coal takes the glass from my brother’s hand and downs the amber liquid then smirks. “I don’t care too much. Hammer, get your fucking head outta your ass.”

“Fuck you!”

Evan sits down beside me. “You know she stayed in town for you.”

I want to smack him upside the head. Of course I fucking know she stayed in town. I also know she has a damn good job as a personal trainer at Flex, the hottest gym in the area. I know she got herself a nice pad and a sweet-ass ride. I know she’s looked over her shoulder more than a few times, still trying to feel comfortable. I know she has what they call ‘girls’ night’ every Tuesday with Morgan and her new friend from the gym, Paisley.

In being thorough, I learned her new bestie is a health nut who believes in organic foods and cleansing her mind and body. They attend a yoga class together three times a week and their girls’ night usually consists of popcorn and movies. Paisley also works as a cashier at the local grocery store and drives a Prius, the car she tried to get Des to buy for herself, as well, but my girl went for fast, not environmentally friendly, when she bought her Honda s2000.

Desirae calls back to Tank or Sass twice a week to check in. Her bank account didn’t take much of a hit when she set herself up since the Hellions put in a nice deposit in what they called a benefit’s bonus. She also calls weekly to check in with Evan, and they sometimes go out to dinner. And if either of them took the time to look out the window of the establishments they frequented, they would have seen me sitting there, not trying to hide.

“J-action Jackson, get over here,” Coal yells out as Jane struts by, all tits, ass, and blonde hair. “Get your dick wet and get your head outta your ass,” he orders me.

Without hesitation, Jane turns and stalks over to us with a sultry smile, stopping in front of me. I only raise an eyebrow at her, not making any movements.

Coal yanks my chair back with me in it, and Jane climbs on my lap.

“Our boy needs some attention,” Coal barks at her. Just as if she were there for him, he tosses a hundred dollar bill at her and walks off with my glass still in his hand.

Jane leans in, nibbling my ear lobe and grinding her pussy across my lap. I close my eyes and immediately see curly hair in my mind.

Ultimately, the ass on me doesn’t feel right, so I push her off.

“No,” I say, and Jane looks down. “It’s not you,” I assure her.

She blinks at me. “Oh, I know it’s not me, Hammer.” She gives me a sassy smile before she turns away. Looking over her shoulder, she stops. “I knew one day someone would get through to you, and when that day came, I knew it would be over.” She winks. “But it was damn sure good while it lasted.”

Not giving me a chance to reply, she stalks off with a sway to her hips that once would have had me fucking her on a table. Now, I can’t even get hard.

“Gonna get your head outta your ass now?” Evan asks with a smile.

“I’m no good for her.”

He smacks me on the back of the head. “Wake up. You’re no good without her.”

“Fuck you, Evan.”

“I swear on everything, if you don’t make your play, I’m calling Mom for a visit, and I’m gonna let her meet Des.”

I glare at him. “You wouldn’t dare.”

“Who says I haven’t already?” He steps back as I jump up out of my chair, and then he takes off.

I should chase him. I should beat the fuck out of him. Instead, I sit my ass back down and try to figure out what to do next.

Looking around me at the bar, I wonder to myself,
Is this how I’m going to spend the rest of my life?
Miserable, drunk, and trying to stick my dick in women I don’t really want?

I might not be the best thing for Desirae, but I could change that, couldn’t I? I could make myself the best man I can be for her? After all, as much as I hate to admit it, my little brother is right. I’m no good without her. There has been a big, gaping, black hole in my life since I pushed her away, and the only person to blame is myself.

If my father were here, would he approve of me throwing away the only woman I have ever met who made me feel whole, especially when I was a broken man?

Hell no.

Just remember, son, actions speak louder than words.

New mission: fix what the fuck I messed up.

I reach up and rub my chin. Step one: shower and shave. No one wants to be with a man who smells like a bar and looks like a homeless man. Step two: face Tank. Before I can even reach out to Desirae, I need to make things right with the Hellions who trusted us to keep her safe. I failed her and them.

Once I get those things in order, I can find her and hope I have half a chance of fixing this.

I leave the club, jump in my Camaro, and drive to my new place on the second floor in a high rise with an ocean view just up the road. It costs more monthly, but I don’t give a fuck. I couldn’t stand to sit in my old condo and relive the day Desirae was taken out of our home. Leaving it behind, along with all the furniture in it, was almost therapeutic. Not to mention, I only have one set of stairs to deal with now.

Once I park next to my motorcycle and get out, I can’t take my eyes of the machine I haven’t ridden since that day I took Des out on it. I even had Coal ride it over here when the brothers were helping me move what little shit I did bring with me to my new place. I guess not riding my bike was a form of self-punishment. As ridiculous as it may sound, I convinced myself that, if I wasn’t strong enough to protect my woman, I’m not strong enough to ride my machine.

Looking at the polished metal and leather seat, I realize I need to fix this mistake, too. At least that’s easily done. It’s time to let the Camaro sit in the parking garage for a while.

If only getting my woman back could be that easy…

~Desirae~

Paisley lets herself in my apartment, carrying a vegetable tray from the grocery store she works at. I can’t help laughing. The tray is almost bigger than her. She’s pretty short at five-foot-two, and even if I stuffed her full of chocolate cake, she would probably only weigh in at a hundred twenty pounds. Not because she starves herself, but because she is a health nut who works out at my gym on a daily basis. The woman is so tiny she barely passes my shoulder, and a stiff wind could blow her over.

“It’s Tuesday night. This is supposed to be cheat night. No vegetables allowed. Morgan made the rule,” I tell her.

Paisley wiggles her eyebrows at me. “Live a little. Rules are meant to be broken.”

Laughing, I quip back, “You should take your own advice, sister, and break your no dating rule to go out with Scotty.” I take the tray from her hand, and we make our way inside.

Paisley chides me as we make our way to my kitchen. “Thanks, but no thanks, sister. He may say he has the hots for me, but I don’t think he’s interested in anyone but himself. Have you seen the way he blows kisses to himself in the mirrors at the gym? Besides, have you seen the size of that guy? He would crush me like a bug! I think I’ll keep my eye out for a guy more appropriate for my size. You know, one who won’t crush me if we ever make it to the bedroom. Give up on the Scotty thing, because you’re wasting your breath.”