Hammer (23 page)

“Less sass right now, babe.”

“I’m breathing, which is more than I can say for my sister.” I turn my head to glare at Nino Ricca. I want nothing more than to watch him bleed out on the floor in front of me.

Ice has him contained while Ethan removes my restraints. I stand and twist my wrists, trying to get the blood moving. I’m dizzy and hurt like hell from head to toe, but I need to do this. Face to face with the man who killed my sister and has beat on me for hours, I need to have my moment.

I look up into the cold, dark eyes of a killer. “You killed a beautiful woman. You took a piece of sunshine out of my world. I hope there is a special place in Hell for scum like you.”

He stares at me yet doesn’t speak.

“If I had a gun in my hand right now, I’d proudly put a bullet between your fucking eyes. There isn’t a day or a moment I don’t miss my sister, while when you’re gone, I don’t think a single soul will shed a tear. In fact, I may have to bake a cake and celebrate, you shit bag.”

With all the energy I can muster, I swing back and punch him in the junk. With my still achy hand, I then grab his balls through his pants and twist. He sucks in a breath but doesn’t make any other sound.

As he hunches over slightly, I spit in his face. “You are a piece of shit.”

Ethan wraps his arm around my shoulder, kisses my temple, and then turns me away from Ricca.

“Ricca, you fucked with my woman. You’re about to see what the Regulators are all about. Family is important to you. Family is everything to us,” He says before looking toward Coal. “Do what you do, brother.”

Ethan tries to lead me away, but I dig my heels into the floor and look back frantically at Coal. “He kept asking me about a thumb drive, demanding to know where Suzie put it. I have no idea what he’s talking about, but I have a feeling we need to know.”

Coal watches me shrewdly for a moment, as if he’s not sure whether to believe whether I knew about the thumb drive or not. I’m pretty sure there isn’t a woman on this earth the man trusts, and I have no idea why he is the way he is. What I do know is that, in this moment, I need him to trust me. He has to trust what I’m saying.

Just when I think he’s going to ask me if I do have the stupid thumb drive, he surprises me by giving me a somewhat grudgingly respectful nod. With that, Ethan guides me outside.

The sun hits my face and soothes my soul. Stopping, I turn to face Ethan then roll up to press my lips to his. A twinge of pain hits me when my busted lips touch his, but after what I have just endured, it’s the sweetest pain I have ever felt.

When I pull away, he starts to say something, but I put my finger over his mouth, stopping him.

“Don’t speak. You don’t have to say anything. I just need you to know there wasn’t a moment in there when I wasn’t thinking of you.” I kiss him softly again.

His arms come around me as he opens his mouth and engulfs mine in the sloppiest but hottest kiss I have ever had. When he pulls away, I can see the pain in his eyes.

“I’m gonna take you to Evan’s. We talked. It won’t have the memories my place does.”

My immediate thought is Evan’s place won’t have Ethan there, and I don’t want to be without him. Yet, once again, I don’t seem to get what I want. Not that I should be surprised. When has life ever really been on my side?

First, I was gifted with two parents who couldn’t care less about my sister and me, and now life has taken away the only person who ever loved me unconditionally. Now life is trying to rip away the only person who has forced himself into my heart. Don’t I deserve a little bit of peace and happiness?

Some rational part of my brain is reminding me this is just a chemical reaction. The adrenaline from trying to survive is starting to wear off now that I’m safe, and my mood is spiraling down as my anxiety flares back up at the thought of losing Ethan now, too. I know I should just be grateful that the Regulators found me and that I’m alive, but somehow, it seems utterly unfair that I have to go even a moment of my life without someone I care about.

Tears fill my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall. I have been through Hell and back, and I will get through this, too. “Then stay at Evan’s place with me.”

He shakes his head and gives a dejected laugh. “I can’t protect you, Desirae. When it mattered the most, I fucking failed. So the best thing I can do for you is to put you someplace with someone I know who can keep you safe since I can’t. Hell, my legs are shaking, and I’m in so much pain now I can barely stand. You deserve better than that. It’s the least I can do until we figure out whatever this thumb drive bullshit is about.”

Right before my eyes, the man I focused on to stay alive is pushing me away instead of holding me close like I dreamed he would. All this time, I fought what was growing between us, and now the tides have turned. It’s Ethan who is fighting us now.

“I love you, Ethan,” I say on a whisper. I know it sounds like a desperate plea to stay, and it is, but it’s exactly what I feel. I pushed him away all of this time, so scared about what would happen if someone I let close to me was taken away again, how badly that would hurt. This doesn’t seem fair.

I might have been forced into his life because of my circumstances, but he forced himself into my heart. Now, to feel like I should beg him to stay … I’m not sure how much more I can take today. Still, I have to give it my all to know I tried.

I grab his face with both of my hands and force him to look me in the eyes. “Please,” I beg. “I love you.”

His eyes bore into my own with an intensity I cannot explain. Fierce but confused? Despondent even? Nothing that looks like I’m getting through to him. The muscle in his jaw ticks as he clenches it. He closes his eyes tightly yet remains silent. It’s then I know without a doubt that I have lost him.

He has shut himself off from me, and I don’t know what is worse: being held captive, wondering if I will make it, or sitting here, knowing this man cares for me but feeling like he is going to walk away.

Chapter

18

~Hammer~

She’s here … in my arms. She is safe.

Doc, the Regulator medic came over to my brother’s place, took Desirae into the bathroom, and gave her an examination while cleaning her up. She has a busted lip and bruises from her head down past her waist, but there is nothing broken and no internal bleeding. Unable to let her out of my sight yet, I stood off to the side of the bathroom doorway and watched as my club brother cleaned her cuts.

The day has been the longest of my life. My body aches, and my head hurts from all the stress. I’m not used to having feelings for someone else. I’m not used to feelings. Not like these, anyway. Sure, I have worried over the years for my mom and Evan, but this … There is no comparison.

As my mind raced with thoughts of what could have happened to her while we waited for word on her location, I imagined my life without her. A piece of me died today, much like the piece of me that died the day my father died. The freedom of my childhood was robbed the moment he passed away. The freedom of real love was robbed the minute she was taken from the safety of my house.

With her secure in my arms, my head resting on top of hers, I nod to my brother.

He quietly moves into his room, and I sigh, knowing what I have to do is going to kill us both.

The thing is, when I had to sit there and wait for the intel, it left me with nothing but time. Idle minds can be a bad thing sometimes. In that moment, when the world stopped spinning, one thing was clear: I couldn’t protect her. She was mine, and I couldn’t keep her safe.

In my world, that is unacceptable.

I kiss her forehead, and she looks up at me. Her face is swollen, turning blue and purple, and her eyes are red, but she doesn’t hide her emotions from me.

Leaning in, I brush my lips against hers. They are soft, and I can’t help running my tongue across their seam. She opens, and the greedy bastard I am takes from her. Our tongues dance, and the familiarity of her body against mine has me wanting more.

I can’t, though.

I keep my eyes closed and my lips held to hers for a moment longer. Then I slowly pull away. Blinking, my eyes meet hers, and I try to let her see what I can’t give in words.

She grips my arms tightly, as if she’s trying to hold on to me.

I can’t do this. I can’t hold on to her.

Dropping my hands, I step back. My voice is rough as I try to speak. “I’ll have your things sent over.”

“Don’t, Ethan. Don’t you fucking dare.”

With a brush of my thumb over her tender cheek, I take another step back, seeing the tears filling her eyes.

“You’ll be safe here until the Hellions come.”

Her eyes grow wide. “You didn’t! Tell me you didn’t make me fall in love with you just to send me away!” Tears roll down her face, and my heart shatters. She loves me.

“I can’t keep you safe,” I whisper before turning with a pronounced limp and walking away.

I shut the door behind me and pause when I hear her sob.

Evan will comfort her. Evan will keep her safe until the Hellions arrive and take her back to North Carolina. Tank will keep her safe. She will move on and be happy.

I will forever be empty. This is what I deserve. I failed her. I failed the mission of keeping her safe.

A woman like Desirae deserves a man who is whole. She deserves a man who can lay the world at her feet and ensure she’s safe with every step she takes.

I am not that man.

I am a broken man held together by only metal and modern medicine. I am not the man for Drill Sergeant Bust My Balls. She needs strength, freedom to be wild, and she needs the whole package. I am weak, a burden rather than freedom, and I am far from being whole.

The ride home only makes the physical pain match the emotional.

Standing in my doorway, my mind goes back to getting out of the shower. They got to her in this place. In my home. They were able to take her from me.

Picking up the phone, I dial Ice.

“I want more than Ricca. I want the whole operation shut the fuck down!”

“Can’t do that, brother.”

“What the fuck do you mean
can’t
? When has that word ever been in our vocabulary?”

“Young called in a marker.”

I stand in the doorway of my condo, ready to explode. “What. The. Fuck. Are. You. Talking. About?”

“He said he needed us to back off beyond Ricca and the cousin. He said they acted alone, and he needs Wellington. It’s personal.”

I can’t contain my rage.

“Wellington is how Suzie got tied up in this shit. Wellington put her on the radar. Wellington is how Suzie got killed and how Desirae’s entire life got turned upside down. Wellington goes fucking down!”

“I get that, but Young gave his word the entire operation will be shut down by his hand, and he will owe us one.”

“You think I give two fucking shits about Young and his team owing us right now? If it were Morgan—”

“Don’t go there,” he growls. “Leave my woman out of this shit. I gave Young the club’s word, but if he needs backup, I also told him we want the first call.”

“It’s fucking Young,” I roar. “He goes off half-cocked and alone more than anyone. He’s not gonna call.”

“We don’t fucking know that. Stand down, Hammer. That’s all you’re getting from me.” Ice disconnects, and I want to throw my phone.

I feel helpless. I feel out of control. Killing Ricca wasn’t enough.

I look at my phone then dial the man holding me back.

It rings twice before the man I used to consider a teammate but now want to throttle picks up the other end.

“Young.”

“You motherfucker! You better give me one good reason why I can’t go after him, or I’ll defy the order I’ve been given to leave him alone and take him out to make sure my woman stays safe.”

The line is silent for a few seconds, and then Lucas’s voice speaks to me in a quiet, determined tone I haven’t heard since the last time we were in a mission together.

“You’re not the only one with woman problems, McCoy. If you take Wellington out, I could very well lose my own woman.”

My hand tightens on my cell until I stop myself from breaking the cheap plastic burner phone. “You better not be dicking me around, Young, or I swear to God I’ll skin your hide. I could have lost Desirae for good.”

“And I still might lose my girl because she’s tied up with Wellington in ways I’m still trying to figure out. So back the fuck off, stay the hell out of it, and trust me when I say I’m gonna take care of him.”

“You better, Lucas. You’re not the only one who knows how to go lone wolf and get shit done.”

I hang up the phone, break it in half as I storm out of my place, and throw it in the trashcan in front of the elevator door.

Lucas Young might have watched my back when we were in the Army, but I can’t count on him to watch Desirae’s. If I find out what this thumb drive bullshit is about, and it leads back to Wellington, I’m gonna kill that motherfucker in Chicago, anyway. I won’t take the chance of the man threatening Des’s life in any way ever again.

Pushing the button to go down, I don’t look back at my door, which I haven’t bothered to lock, or the door to the stairwell where I damn near broke my neck because I’m too defective to use them. No, I can’t stand the sight of either anymore. Everywhere I look in my place, I see Desirae: from us doing exercises in my living room to her being dragged out of my front door. With the stairwell, I don’t need to be reminded anymore that I’m no longer the man I used to be. Failing my woman was all the proof I needed on that score.

I take the elevator down, walk out into the parking lot, and climb inside my Camaro since my busted hips still hurt too badly to ride my Harley. Once I fire up the engine, my tires peel out as I haul ass and head straight to the one place I can think to go: After Midnight.

If tonight isn’t a night for drowning my problems, I don’t know what is. And I won’t go to Alibi, because I don’t want to take the chance of seeing my brother. Not because he will see me drinking. Nope. I don’t even give a rat’s ass about that right now like I normally would. No, I don’t want Evan to ask me what’s wrong or pat my back and tell me it will be okay, because it won’t. I’m not sure anything in my life will ever be okay again.