Authors: Jo Watson
“Maybe you’re right, Greg. I have been feeling a little stressed with everything that’s on my plate. Excuse me while I run to the ladies room and freshen up before dessert.” Greg nods and looks relieved.
I splash a little water on my face in the bathroom and take a minute to collect my thoughts. Telling myself I have just got too worked up about marriage, I decide that it isn’t about Greg; it is about my fears of committing to a life I find so boring, one that I didn’t even get to choose. It is just part of growing up and I must be struggling with letting go of my youth. Tonight I am going to push some of the limits and see if Greg can make me feel the way I do around Jackson. Maybe the passion is there if I only let it sizzle. I leave the bathroom with purpose as my plan begins to unfold.
Greg stands as I reach the table and sits after I have sat down. I pick up my dessert menu and begin to make recommendations of what we could share, but Greg surprises me by picking up right where we left off.
“Madeline, is there anything else I should know about? You haven’t been yourself lately.” He takes the menu out of my hands and puts it down, looking at me with such concern that I have to look away.
“It’s nothing, Greg, I’m just tired and overworked like you said. It’s fine…I’m fine.” I look into his eyes again and pray that he will buy it.
“But are
we
fine? I feel like you’re shutting me out. The closer we get to your graduation, the more I feel like I’m losing you—and you are losing yourself.” His hand reaches across the table and rests on top of mine. I start to feel panic building inside me; perhaps I am ruining this.
“Of course we’re fine, Greg. You are making my dad so proud at work, my brothers love you, and I’m almost done with my degree.” I force a smile and watch him as his eyes take in my face.
“Madeline, don’t lie to me, please. I can’t fix it if I don’t know what’s broken.”
Desperate to change the subject, I casually place my hand on his thigh and glance again at the menu in front of me. Greg is still, his muscles strained beneath my palm. I trace the inside of his leg with my fingers in slow circles while I pretend to be focused on the desserts. As the waiter approaches I use the opportunity to slide my hand up higher on his thigh, and rest my fingers at the crease where his thigh meets his groin.
“What are you thinking about?” I ask in a seductive voice and I watch as his eyes bore into mine.
“I was thinking perhaps we could skip the dessert. I should be getting you home soon,” he replies. I am shocked and elated; he wants me alone with him and the butterflies begin to dance in my stomach at the thought of being touched.
“Sounds great to me,” I reply as I trace more circles on his thigh. He hands the waiter our menus and his credit card. When the waiter leaves our table Greg places his hand on top of mine and stops my slow caresses.
“Madeline, we are in a public place. People can see that your hand is in my lap.” He glances around the restaurant to check for any prying eyes. “What is going on with you tonight? Let me take you home so you can get some rest.”
“I don’t want to rest, Greg. I want to play.” I have never been so forward in our relationship and I stare into his eyes to see his response. I feel like a bratty child insisting on something she can’t have.
“Believe me, baby, I want that very much, too, but we’ve waited this long—what’s the rush all of a sudden? Why not wait a few more months until we can be married? We have the rest of our lives to discover each other in that way.” He pulls my reluctant hand to the top of the table and pats it like you would pat a small child’s head after an upset. I nod my agreement but I can feel the tears stinging the back of my eyes. I watch the look of pain wash over Greg’s features and I feel terrible for questioning whether his love for me is enough to keep me happy.
“Please just take me home, Greg.” I place my napkin on the table and scoot my chair back as the waiter returns with his card and receipt. Greg stands with me and while I think he is going to put his hand on my back, he just pulls the chair back and tucks it into the table. He follows me out of the restaurant and we drive home in silence.
When he pulls into the parking lot at my complex he shuts off the engine. “Madeline, I think all of this is just too much for you right now. I love you, and I’m excited that we are getting so close to a time when we can be together, but I know you enough to know that something is wrong.” He reaches for my hand.
The silence is so thick in the car I start to feel the panic rise again. Greg stares out the front window and sucks in a deep breath. He closes his eyes and then in a shaky voice he begins, “I think we could be happy together, but not unless you are sure you want to be with me. I can see the indecision in your eyes, and I think it may have something to do with the fact that you think I am being shoved down your throat by your family. It’s true that I may have been a strategic move on their part, sweetheart, but our relationship is our own.” I can’t even look at him as the tears spill from my eyes and run down my cheeks.
For the millionth time in my life I wish I could speak to my mother. I lost her too young, before I even knew what questions to ask. How was I supposed to know at six years old all of the questions I want to ask her now? I need to know if passion lasts or if it is just an amazing feeling that fades with time. I want to know if I should explore what I feel for Jackson or keep working at this relationship with Greg. I wipe the tears off of my chin and glance over to Greg, who is looking out the side window and trying not to cry.
“I haven’t told you this yet, but after our dinner at your dad’s house tomorrow, I am getting on a plane to New York for three weeks. Your dad needs some extra help in the New York office since they are doing some restructuring. I think we should take a break during that time so you can decide whether the life I can offer you is the one your heart wants.”
“Greg, we don’t have to do this. I know what’s best—I’m sure I’m just stressed.” We both know I’m lying, but he nods his head to save me some dignity. A few days ago, when I felt like there was no way out of this relationship with Greg because he is so woven into my family, I wanted nothing more than to be free, but now that he is walking away it changes everything. My fears that I will be trapped and my wishes never considered by any of the men in my life have just been disproven. He wants it to be my choice; he wants me to be happy.
“Well then, in three weeks when I get back we can sit down and discuss this again. Perhaps I will have you without doubt, Madeline, and I need that. It hurts me to watch you hurt.” Greg reaches over and raises my quivering chin with his fingers. He gently brushes his lips to mine and then tucks a strand of hair behind my ear.
“What do I do while you’re gone?” I ask. He has handed me the freedom I have always wanted but now I fear that I won’t know what to do with it.
“Just try to find out if there is room in your heart for me. I’ll pick you up tomorrow at four o’clock. Let’s not mention this to your family so that they don’t give you a hard time while I’m gone. This is between you and me.”
“Okay. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow, then.” I open the door and step out of the car, feeling like I am outside of my own body. I turn around when I reach the edge of the walkway and blow him a kiss. I watch him pretend to catch it, and as he places his hand with my invisible kiss over his heart, mine shatters into a million pieces.
Chapter Four
I cried myself to sleep last night, and it wasn’t pretty like in a Hallmark drama. There was hiccupping and snot and my pillow was drenched with tears. Today my life would give any zombie movie a run for its money. I can’t remember what I did ten minutes ago and doing even the littlest things, like taking a shower, seems impossible. I thought that freedom from Greg was what I wanted but I didn’t think it would hurt this badly.
How I made it through all of my classes today I still don’t know, but I need to pull myself together so Greg and I can fake being a happy couple for my family. I feel like a terrible person for accepting this gift of freedom he has given me and for making him sit with my family tonight and pretend everything is fine. I feel even worse when my mind wanders to Jackson and I wonder where he is right now.
Greg is on time, of course, and gives me a hug when I get in the car. We ride in silence to my dad’s house and as we pull into the driveway Greg looks over at me and offers a small smile. I reach my hand out and place it in his with a squeeze. I may not be in love with him but I do love him as a friend. I don’t want to see him hurt but he is right: I need some time to get my fears under control. I need to figure out if I am afraid of growing up, or afraid of growing into a life with him.
All three of my brothers are at my father’s house for dinner and greet us warmly as we enter the living room. Ben is the oldest, followed by the twins, Brandon and Caleb. My dad wraps his strong arms around me in a rare display of affection and I breathe in the scent of his aftershave, feeling like a little girl, loved and safe. The moment passes too quickly and he is all business again as he shakes Greg’s hand.
“Greg, how about those plans for the New York office?” The two of them become caught up in shop talk and my eyes drift to Ben, who winks at me from across the room.
My family works very hard maintaining the Stone line of luxury hotels, founded by my great-grandfather. While my brothers and I hold equal shares in the company, it is Ben who is the powerhouse that drives its recent growth. For him, business and family are inseparable and while I sometimes resent his need to be the man in control, it is hard not to admire his loyalty and his ambition.
We make small talk throughout dinner about business and school and I keep looking over to Greg, but he can’t look me in the eyes. I need to get out of here before I break down.
My dad disappears into the kitchen and returns with a birthday cake, which prompts my brothers and Greg into a horrible rendition of “Happy Birthday.” I look around the table at this unusual family of mine and my heart swells. When my eyes land on Greg he gives me a tight smile and a nod. As each of my brothers pulls out a small present for me, I know that the most costly gift being given to me this year is not wrapped and sitting on the table. It is Greg who has paid the highest price for my gift and I will be forever in debt to him.
Ben clears his throat and holds his glass up. “Happy birthday, Madeline. I know we don’t tell you enough how proud we are of you.” He looks at me fondly before continuing, “we were a little ruffled at first that you chose a degree in social work, but after some thought I realized we are all in the business of serving people.” I hear a small chuckle from my other brothers.
“In all seriousness, Mom would have been proud of your choices so far. I know I am not alone in hoping that the next decision will be to marry this guy.” Ben playfully punches Greg on the arm. “We can’t wait to officially welcome you to the family, Greg. Here’s to Madeline and another year of moving forward.” Everyone raises their glasses. Greg offers me a small smile and throws back his drink.
After dinner, Greg drives me back to my apartment and walks me to the door. I have a million questions to ask him, but before they can reach my mouth I decide they aren’t important. As we stand outside my front door he reaches for my hands. “Happy birthday, Madeline. I hope this year brings you everything you have ever wanted.”
“Thank you, Greg. Will you call me?”
“How about you call me? I want to give you space but I’ll be there to talk to you if you want to reach out.” I know how hard this must be for him and I am in awe of his self-sacrifice.
“I will, but please let me know that you’ve landed safely. I won’t be able to rest until I know you’re okay.” Greg nods his head and then lifts my hand up to his mouth to lay a kiss on my knuckles. We stand there for a second, both knowing that this could be the end, and then Greg puts his hands in his pockets and turns and walks away. I watch him go, wondering if I am letting my future walk away with him.
* * *
In the apartment I find Abby sitting on the couch with Kyle. It looks intense so I give them a little wave and make my way to my room. I sit on the edge of my bed and check the messages on my phone, and I am pleasantly surprised to see one from my aunt Gwen, asking that I stop by tomorrow to pick up a birthday gift. She is my mother’s only sister, but there is tension between her and my father so we don’t see a lot of each other. With everything that’s gone on in the past few days, I find myself looking forward to the chance to visit with her.
My thoughts are interrupted by a knocking at our front door. Abby answers and I tip my head to the side, listening to the sound of men’s voices talking and laughing.
When I look up, Jackson is standing in my doorway. “Hey, Rookie, thank God you are in here. I thought I was going to have to follow you up that old trellis again and I was worried about how your ankle would hold up on the climb.” The emptiness I have been feeling begins to fill up with heat and I can’t help but to smile at his teasing. He looks amazing in a pair of dark jeans and fitted T-shirt with our college logo across the front.
Blue—his eyes are blue and are now piercing into me with intensity. He twists his baseball cap to the back and then enters my room, leaning on the dresser in front of me. “Please come in,” I raise my brows and half smile at him already having made himself comfortable. He doesn’t follow the rules and this excites me to no end.
“Can’t stay long, Rookie, we’re going to be late.”
“Late? Please don’t let me keep you from your other pressing engagements, Jackson.” I laugh at how absurd this whole interaction is becoming. If he has somewhere else to be, then why is he here? His eyes meet mine with a wide smile and he brings a wrapped box out from behind his back.
“I said
we
are going to be late, Rookie—pay attention. Happy birthday and best regards for a great year, and please make sure that if you ever tell my mother about the evening we met, you mention that I later returned with a gift for the birthday girl.” My face flushes as he hands the box to me and I chuckle, feeling the tightness that has been constricting my heart all day begin to loosen.