Have a New Husband by Friday (15 page)

Go back to what we talked about earlier. What’s the #1 need for a woman in marriage? Affection. Was that on the man’s list? No. His needs are to be respected, to be needed, and to be fulfilled. Your desire for affection covers a wide front. That’s why if you don’t get your daily dose of husbandly affirmation, things start going awry in your home.

But beware of too much emotion, since that shuts down a man. Tears make a husband feel helpless; he doesn’t know what to do. In essence, you’ve neutered him. Tears aren’t something he’s wired to cope with. Yet a lot of women use tears to try to manipulate men.

It doesn’t work. As soon as your husband sees tears, he has a terrible feeling inside him.
Uh-oh, did I cause that? Because if I did, I better get out of here quick.
Most men won’t say, “Oh, honey, did I hurt your feelings? I’m so sorry!” They’ll just drift away, thinking instead,
What the heck is wrong with her? I’m just going to watch TV until she gets over it.

When you render a man helpless, you shut him down. Remember that he has a high need to please you (do you see that theme emerging in this book?), but he gets frustrated because he doesn’t know how to do it. He’s afraid if he tries, he won’t measure up. For him, not being able to do something right is akin to someone telling you you’re fat and ugly. You take it personally.

Your big, strong man who can pick up a big load, toss your kids up in the air and catch them, and pull away a tree limb that fell down is quite emotionally fragile. It goes back to the fact that he can count his good friends on only one hand—and most of the time, you’re it. What you say matters.

Now, there are some men who simply don’t get it. They are so oblivious to a woman’s needs and emotions that they wouldn’t see the big E at the ophthalmologist’s office if it was a foot in front of them. I see a lot of those men. They’re very perfectionistic non-huggers, like a tree that doesn’t bend but stands erect. One friend of ours is like that. When Sande gives him an enthusiastic hug, he just stands there and doesn’t move. These are the types of guys who are like robots, stiff and mechanical. If you follow them around, they’re as boring as mud. They do the same things day after day. They mow their lawn the same way. They see life in terms of graph paper and stop signs, and in lockstep fashion. Everything about them is perfectionistic.

If you married a guy like this, what can you do? Well, you could knock on his forehead and say, “Knock, knock . . . is anybody in there?” If your husband was in my office, I’d tell him, “There’s a party out there called life. If you need an invitation to join, here it is. Why not experience and enjoy life’s ups and downs—and the highs and lows of living a life totally committed to another person? Why not risk an intimate connection?”

The problem with this type of guy, though, is that he would say, “I don’t know why I’m here in counseling. I like life.” That’s because he’s happy in the cocoon he’s built around himself. That’s who he is. And most likely, that was who he was when you married him.

So the question becomes: Why did you marry him? Were you so insecure that you needed the predictability of someone who would always do life the same way? That wears pretty thin after a few years, doesn’t it?

You have a choice. Most women in this situation would dump the chump. After all, being the only person who tries to create any excitement in marriage can be frustrating and exhausting. And most robot-acting guys have tempers; they’re strongly opinionated people who feel they know how everyone should act in life. They’re not easy to change.

But I want you to think carefully through your decision first.
You
are the one who married this man. So are you going to make the best of your situation and go on to live life as fully as you can? No, you don’t have the partner you wish you did. But you can make the best of what you do have by enjoying your family, your children, and your grandchildren.

Never Manipulate

Let’s say you’ve been looking around your bedroom and thinking that things are looking a little shabby. You’ve been eyeing a new comforter and sheet set that costs $500. You know your tightwad husband will never go for that.

Then you notice he just bought new wheels for his truck. You don’t really think he needed them, but then he didn’t ask for your permission to buy them either. So you ask him, “How much did those wheels cost?”

Your husband flinches, taken off guard. “Uh, well, they were $165 apiece.” He’s thinking,
Now why’s she asking me that?
He hasn’t a clue. After all, he researched online and at four different shops to get the best price. With winter coming up, it was a smart choice.

Aha
, you’re thinking.
Sounds like a good time for me to get a new comforter and bedspread. After all, if he can spend $600 and some change on wheels, I could spend $500 on our bedroom
.

Now that’s manipulation, and your husband won’t appreciate it. Instead, why not try the best way? Be direct. Tell him in a few words what your needs and wants are.

“Honey, I noticed the other day that our bedspread is really faded and shabby. Having our bedroom look pretty is important to me. I checked a couple stores to see what the prices were and found a bedspread and sheets I liked for $500. Would it be okay with you if I bought them?”

Some of you are screaming at me now. “Dr. Leman, are you from the dinosaur age or something? Why would a woman have to ask her husband for
permission
to buy anything, especially when he went and bought something without her permission?”

Let me ask you something. Does your marriage mean something to you? Do you want to have a new husband by Friday? Then hear me out. Marriage is not about who wins the game. Marriage is about running the race together. If it takes two minutes for you to run the idea by your husband, isn’t your marriage and having a happy hubby worth those two minutes? He probably didn’t run the wheel purchase by you because he did all the research and the job was done, and what do you know (or care) about wheels and tires and car stuff anyway? He didn’t do it intentionally to manipulate you. He just did it because that’s what males do best—problem solve.

But if you manipulate your husband, you cross a line in marriage, and he has every right to feel angry. So don’t go there. You’re a smart woman—you figure it out. What do you have to lose? A happy, satisfied husband will do anything for you, including going to Bed, Bath & Beyond to help you lug that $500 comforter set back home. He might even help you set it up.

Wise Advice

Date with your eyes wide open. Keep them half-closed after you’re married.

Accept His No as a No

Is there ever any possibility that when a man says no, a woman could let it go at that? Most women can’t.

“Oh, honey, wouldn’t it be fun to go see that today?” the wife says.

“No,” the husband says.

Then the wife starts wheedling. “But I know you’d love it.”

As her husband sits there, long in the jaws, he’s thinking,
No way, no how, I’m not doing that. I’m not going, and that’s final.

If your husband says no, could you let it go at that? Without pushing for more information or asking why? Respect your husband enough to let his no be no.

If it’s somewhere you want to go or something you want to do, why not say instead, “I respect your no as a no. But how about if I ran down there for a couple of hours?”

“Wait just one minute, Dr. Leman,” some of you are saying.

“Are you saying a woman has to ask her husband’s
permission
to do something? Haven’t you ever heard of women’s lib?”

It’s not that you need his permission to leave the house. Instead you’re saying to your husband, “If you don’t want to go there, do you mind if I do? Or do you have something else in mind for us here?” It’s not
permission
; it’s a respectful checking in.

Marriage is all about mutual respect.

Women Talk

I’m a very analytical person, and I know it. I used to always question what my husband said. But after hearing what you said, I realized I was telling my husband, “I don’t think you can make decisions on your own for our family.” I’ve made a conscious effort in the last six months to trust my husband’s decisions for our family. In a strange way, I’ve felt relief. I feel closer to my husband, and he’s been far more helpful than he used to be. He even got me roses last week, and it wasn’t my birthday, Christmas, or Valentine’s Day. It was just an ordinary day. Thanks for helping us get on the right track.

Nancy, Utah

Don’t Just Go Through the Motions

The other day Sande and I were at Red Lobster, eating dead fish for a healthy lunch. Another couple entered the same time we did. They got their salads at the same time. When I was done eating, they were still eating. And you know what? Not a single word was exchanged between the two of them the entire time (ordering doesn’t count). I mean
nothing
. Not even small talk.

Take a look around when you’re in a restaurant, and you’ll discover many couples just like them. They’re not talking heart to heart, eyeball to eyeball. They’re just going through the motions of being married.

Don’t you want that intimate heart connection with your spouse? If so, your man needs to feel respected, needed, and fulfilled. He wants to know that when he says something, you will listen to him and honor his opinion as valid—even if you don’t agree. If you do those things, you’ll plant a deep desire within your husband to please you, respond to you, and listen to you when you want to talk.

Women Talk

We’ve struggled for years in our marriage. Both of us have explosive tempers. Once when I asked Philip, “Why?” he said, “Well, it might just be a question to you, but it feels like an interrogation to me.” The next day after our “discussion” (okay, let’s just call it what it was—a fight), you spoke at a ladies’ luncheon I was at. You talked about eliminating the word why from our vocabulary. That hit home, so I’ve really tried. “Why” sneaks out every once in a while, but I try to catch myself. Philip has noticed. Last night he told me, “Now that you don’t ask me why anymore, I like you a lot more.”

Jessica, Colorado

Conversation Killers

If you want to kill a good conversation—or the possibility of
any
conversation—with your man, here are a few words and phrases that will end it every time.

Why?

If you want to kill a potential conversation in its tracks, just ask your husband, “Why?” It instantly puts him on the defensive.

“But, Dr. Leman,” you’re saying, “I wish Bob would share his feelings and thoughts with me. It would make me feel more at one with him.”

If your guy isn’t talking, there may be a reason
why
. Perhaps it’s because you’re asking, “Why?” If your husband is talking to you and you ask, “Why?” you’ve effectively torpedoed his attempt to communicate. Asking that is like saying, “Okay, I think you’re stupid. You can’t figure it out by yourself and you might be wrong, so you better explain your reasoning to me so I can help you.”

Knowing that kind of puts a new spin on things, doesn’t it? The male ego is much more fragile than you think; it’s easily damaged.

Because problem solving is so important to your man—it’s the way he’s wired—it emasculates him for you to ask him, “Why?”

Understand now why he gets defensive when you start in with the why? His shrug or anger means he’s blowing you off. He’s saying, “Get away from me. I don’t trust you if you don’t think I’m smart enough to figure it out myself.”

What are you saying during this time? “Well”—said dramatically with hand flourishes—“I’m only trying to help. It’s like talking to a brick wall.”

Now you’ve got it. Questioning your man will make him like a brick wall. It’s a subtle challenge to his male ego that will button up his lips.

Instead, use commands. I know you were told that using commands isn’t very relational, but your guy doesn’t think of it that way. If you say, “Tell me more about that; that’s interesting,” your words show interest to your husband. Maybe it’s hard to get excited about your husband’s 2 iron shot over a tree to the green. But is it too much to say, “Wow, you must have been excited to see that little ball soaring over that tree”? When you say things like that, your choice of words says to your husband,
I care about things that excite you. I care about you.

It’s part of being a helpmate to your marriage partner.

Women Talk

I did it. I shut up. I stopped asking my husband (and my teenage son) mindless questions like, “How was your day?” At first it was hard for me to not fill in the silence around our house. (It made me realize how much I used to talk.) Then it was like magic. Within three days of me shutting up, all of a sudden my shy husband started to open up and share with me about what was going on at work. It led to some intriguing discussions about his feelings of us as a couple and about our financial future. He even shared some things that scared him. Thanks for the tip. We’re closer now than we’ve been in our seven years of marriage (this is my second marriage).

Melinda, Michigan

You Always/You Never

“You are always late. What’s your problem?”

“You never do anything I ask you to.”

Using the words
always
and
never
can turn any conversation into a one-upmanship contest. When you’re in that mode of “you always/you never,” it’s a sign that there is competition in the marriage. If someone is winning your marriage, you both actually lose because marriage isn’t a competition sport. Strip
always
and
never
from your vocabulary right now. You’ll be glad you did.

You Should

Women “should” on men a lot, and men don’t like to be “should” on. You can improve your marriage by at least 20 percent if you avoid saying “you should” to your husband. Men don’t like their choices to be challenged, even in the small things. Here’s what I mean.

I’ve heard two or three women spend 15 minutes discussing a menu. They discuss taste expectations, but they also consider the all-important factors of price, fat content, and their vegetable intake for the day—all of which may launch them into an entirely new conversation on some herb or supplement or even vegetarian cooking.