Have a New Husband by Friday (22 page)

Why not live that way every day? Right now, as I write a few notes for the end of this book, my wife is at the Great Indoors.

Maybe Hallmark got it right after all: “When you care enough to send the very best.”

“Honey, I’ll just be about 20 minutes,” she says.

I smile. I’ve been married long enough to know better. “I’ll stay outside,” I say. “You just take your time.”

You know why I say that? Because it’s her day, not mine. And I chose to spend it with her. Sande puts me first and respects, needs, and fulfills me, so I put her first.

Is putting your husband first always easy? No. But it’s simple. Having a new husband by Friday starts with changing you—your attitudes, your actions. Do you really want to please your husband?

You may have to work harder to make your union a healthy one, because of your background. You may have to come to a clearer understanding about your past—how it affected you then, how it affects you now, and how you interpret your husband in light of it. Some marriages, frankly, aren’t fixable—especially if there is brutality, mental illness, chemical addiction, etc., involved. But that’s also a decision you’ll need to make with the tools I’ve given you.

We all have the same 24 hours of the day. Where does your time and energy go, and to whom? How different is your life now from when you were dating? (Understanding that will help you understand why your husband acts like a 4-yearold sometimes in trying to seek your attention.) It's presumptive arrogance to believe that your man is going to be satisfied while you put your kids first, then your sister, then your job, then your friends-then him. And that man is supposed to be patient, understanding, kind, loving, and helpful in the midst of being dissed? Men can take women for granted, but women can also take men for granted. Is this true of you?

We all have the same 24 hours of the day. Where does your time and energy go, and to whom?

In your daily grind of activities, remember that your husband isn’t the enemy. He’s your helpmate. If you’ve slipped into the mommy track, it’s easy to forget you have a longer, far more lasting track that’s called the marriage track. Once your little caboose leaves home, you and your husband still have to look at each other. So why not establish a foundation now that will last a lifetime? Talk to him, ask what he thinks, get his opinion, let him help you solve problems. Develop your "couple power" (two are better than one). If you do the few simple things well in this book, you'll have that hero you've longed for-the knight who would ride into battle to rescue you. "Need some help? I'll be right there," your knight will say.

“Need some help? I’ll be right there,” your knight will say.

Why not ask your husband today, “Would you make a list of the things I could do to be a better lover, spouse, and friend to you?”

Having a new husband by Friday is simple, but it’s not easy. It all starts with you. Get to know your man—how to approach him, talk to him, stroke him. Know when to back off, know when to speak up. Feed him, entertain him, listen to him, laugh with him, have great sex with him. Be a nurturing friend and understanding of his maleness. Pray with him. Share your joys. Share your sorrows. Come alongside him.

In other words, treat your husband as you would like him to treat you. If you do, you’ll have a soul mate for a lifetime.

One night I leaned down to kiss Sande good night and could barely bend over. It was unusual that my raccoon-hours wife was in bed before me, but that day she was stressed out. She was so tired she could hardly move.

She laughed. “Honey, the good thing in all of this is that we’re going to grow old together.”

Yes, we will, and I’m going to treasure every minute with the woman of my dreams. There’s nothing better than growing old with the one you started the journey with.

So enjoy this creature called a man who does his nails at a red light, whose idea of fine food is a steakburger with fries, who thinks he could play in the NFL if he could get himself in shape.

Enjoy him because he’s
your man
.

One morning, as I waited in a Dodge dealership in Westfield, New York, I asked three of the guys who work there what one thing each of their wives could do to make them feel like they really are her knight in shining armor. I couldn’t believe what they said.

“Prepare my favorite dinner for me.”

“Pray for me.”

“Keep doing what she does.”

“Nope,” I told the third guy, “not specific enough.”

He scratched his grizzled cheek. “She looks out for me. She keeps an eye on my diet. I’m a diabetic, so that’s really important.”

Those certainly aren’t the responses you’d expect out of “real men” who like to get their fingernails dirty working on cars, are they? Frankly, I thought one of them would say, “Allow me to bring my deer head into the house,” “Dance for me in that slinky red number,” or “Drop her pants right there at the front door.” But that’s not what I heard.

Interestingly, these men are in their fifties, and they’ve all been married for over 20 years. They’re solid, mature men who have a strong faith in God. They’re in marriage for the long haul.

President John Kennedy once said, “Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country.” Now apply that to marriage. “Ask not what your husband can do for you; ask what you can do for your husband.”

How would your marriage change if you applied that principle?

I guarantee you it would get you a new husband by Friday.

The rest is up to you.

What Would You Do If . . . ?

Take this quick quiz to find out if your gut is on the money or off the mark.
(See page 205 for the answers.)

1. You really need an answer to something by tomorrow. The situation simply can’t wait longer than that, and you need and want your husband’s input. What do you do?

A. Call him at work and tell him about the situation, then ask him what he thinks.

B. Drive to his office or job site and tell him you must have an answer.

C. Ask a girlfriend or his boss’s wife what she thinks he’d say.

D. Wait until after he’s come home from work, had his dinner, gone potty, looked through the mail, and vegged out a little in front of the TV, and then tell him about the situation and ask for his input.

2. Your husband won a trip to Hawaii at work because he met his sales quota this quarter, and you’re invited to come along. You’ve been married 25 years. Neither of you has been to Hawaii before. What do you do?

A. Go along and just enjoy being with your husband and seeing what he does.

B. Ask your sister or a friend to join you on the trip so you can shop instead of being bored while your husband is in all those business meetings.

C. Take this as a unique opportunity to take along two of your three grown children, who live in California and whom you see only four or five times a year.

D. Refuse to go on the trip and stay home because you have responsibilities to tend to and can’t leave them.

3. You woke up late, hit the showers fast, got the kids out the door to school, and are dressed and ready to whiz out the door when you notice . . .
Uh-oh.
Your husband is looking at you like he’s Bullwinkle the Moose’s first cousin, and he’s one interested fella. But you have ten things to do before 9:00 and an appointment across town at 10:00, then you’re heading to your part-time job. Sure, your husband may have the day off after working seven days straight, but you don’t. You can’t believe the look he’s giving you. The look that says,
Hey, baby, let’s have some fun.
And you know he wants the whole enchilada. What do you do?

A. Glare at him and say, “Do I look like I want to fool around? Can’t you see I’m dressed already and I need to get out the door?”

B. Cajole him by saying, “Honey, not now. But if you’re patient, I have some time in early March available.”

C. Walk up to him, grab his antlers in a very affirming manner, and then use your creativity. Then lean over and whisper in his ear, “And there will be more where that came from—a whole lot more—when I get home tonight.” End your little session with a passionate kiss before you walk out the door.

D. Just ignore him and whiz out the door. After all, you’ve been married 12 years. He can wait.

4. You find a note your husband wrote at 6:00 in the morning to your daughter, who’s going away that day for a retreat. It’s the sweetest, kindest, most touching note a dad could write to a daughter. What do you do?

A. Show your girlfriends the note over lunch.

B. Wait until you see your husband that night, give him a warm hug and a passionate kiss, and look him in the eye. Say, “That was an awesome note you wrote our daughter. I know she really appreciated that. I can’t believe how lucky I am to be married to a man like you!”

C. Frame it and hang it in your daughter’s room so when she comes home it will be on her wall.

D. Call your husband at work and tell him how sweet the note is, and that it made you cry.

5. Planning family vacations is important to you, and you have something very special in mind for this summer. You want to get it scheduled. You asked your husband two days ago but haven’t gotten anything even remotely resembling an answer out of him. What do you say?

A. “Hey, bucko, I asked you a question two days ago, and I expect an answer.”

B. “I feel very hurt and disrespected that you haven’t shared with me any of your thoughts about our trip.”

C. “Hey, honey, could we revisit that question I asked you the other day? About our possible vacation? Could you give me a little idea of what you’re thinking? I’d really appreciate it.”

D. “Now listen, buddy. I don’t know if you realize it, but that trip is seven and a half months away, and I need to make plans. I have to get going to get the best plane reservations.”

6. You want to show your husband you really care about him. What do you do?

A. Give him a 20-minute dissertation during the middle of Monday Night Football about how important he is to you.

B. Make him his favorite meal with his favorite dessert.

C. Send the kids to Grandma’s for the night as a surprise and plan a hot rendezvous.

D. Show that you respect him, need him, and enjoy fulfilling him as your lifelong partner.

If you don’t get 5 out of 6 right on this quiz, go back and read the book again.

Epilogue
It’s Not Easy, but It’s Simple

Have a new husband by Friday? Is it possible?

To tell you the truth, it’s a scam. You can have a new husband by
Wednesday
if you do it right.

Making changes in your marriage isn’t easy, but it’s simple. It all starts with you, and your motivation and desire to make things work in your marriage. That’s because you are the very best teacher your man could ever have. You’re closer to life—you see in 3-D color while he sees in tunnel-vision black and white. You’re able to juggle multifaceted projects, personalities, and endless to-do lists while he’s singularly focused on one task at a time.

There’s no doubt that your man is much less complex than you are. After all, he doesn’t have to deal with the “monthlies” you do or any of those hormone changes. But never mistake your simple male creature for being simpleminded. Far from it. Your man is continuing mulling things over in that computer between his ears—things you may never dream he’d be thinking about or planning.

But when it comes to his needs, he only requires a few basic things from you to keep him purring like a contented kitten:

Show him respect.

Show him he’s needed in your world.

Listen to him, and honor his opinion.

Affirm his masculinity.

Don’t ask him, “Why?”

Choose your words carefully—and streamline them.

Pursue his body at will—and put the sizzle and fun back into your relationship.

Having a great marriage is all about mutual respect and getting behind your spouse’s eyes to see how he or she views the world. It’s about serving each other—a 100/100 relationship, instead of a 50/50, “what can the other person do for me?” partnership.

I’ve given the topic of having a new husband by Friday my best shot. The rest is up to you. Sure, following these principles will take a little time and some forethought. They may mean stepping out of your comfort zone and taking a risk. But isn’t your husband and your marriage worth your best shot? Aren’t
you
worth it? Don’t you want, in your heart of hearts, a stud who would knock down walls for you?

It all starts with these simple principles. If you follow them, you’ll get the miracle turnaround you’re longing for.

I guarantee it.

The Top Ten Countdown to Having
a New Husband by Friday

10. Respect what he says.

9. Tell him how important he is in your life.

8. Tell him how much you need him in your life.

7. Pursue him.

6. Don’t correct him or make fun of him,
especially
in front of others. (Your tough guy is much more sensitive than you think he is.) Don’t be a bone digger (unearthing past misdeeds and throwing them in his face).

5. Don’t talk down to him. He’s your husband, not your child (even if he does act like it sometimes).

4. Touch him physically. One caress can last a long time and will
really
get his attention.

3. Say nice things about him and to him. (Good gossip about your guy is like an emotional hug.)

2. Eliminate the words
why
,
never
, and
always
from your vocabulary. (When you speak in extremes, you stop honest communication cold.)

1. Think about what you’re going to say and divide it by ten.

What Would You Do If . . . ?
Quiz Answers

1. You really need an answer to something by tomorrow. The situation simply can’t wait longer than that, and you need and want your husband’s input. What do you do?

A. Call him at work and tell him about the situation, then ask him what he thinks.

B. Drive to his office or job site and tell him you must have an answer.