Have a New Husband by Friday (16 page)

I don’t hear men doing this, do you? Men make a choice and stick with it. We like what we like.

When Sande and I go to Red Lobster, I order the coconut shrimp with piña colada sauce and wild rice on the side. If I go to Caruso’s, I get lasagna. I’ve gone there since 1962 and have never
ever
ordered anything besides lasagna. I know it’ll taste good, so why take any chances?

That’s not good enough for my Sande, though, who once asked me, “Why don’t you try something new?” (Note the word
why
.)

I got defensive, like every guy would. “Well, how would you feel if I tried another wife?”

Her eyes grew wide.

Then I added, “Don’t you see that there can be some merit in my always preferring the same thing?”

Ah, now there’s the good. Something to chew on when you’re annoyed.

When we go to another restaurant, Austin’s, I always get a grilled ham and cheese sandwich with tomato soup. Sande “shoulded” me once there too. She said, “You should get this,” and pointed to a different item on the menu.

“I don’t like that,” I said.

“Well, if you ordered it, then I could have a bite,” she said in her female logic.

“If you want a bite of it, then why don’t you order it?” I said in my male logic.

You see, women like to share food. Men have a far more proprietary attitude. If two men are eating lunch together, it’s about as likely for it to snow in July as it is for one man to reach over and grab something off the other’s plate. And we never order in committee—“You get this, I’ll get that, and we’ll split it.” It’s simply not a guy thing.

Ask Dr. Leman

Q:
When I heard you on TV, I understood what you were saying about men and women being different, but what you said still doesn’t solve my problem. I
need
words from my husband. I need attention from my husband, and I don’t get it. What do I do? I can’t stay in a relationship where I’m not getting any attention. How do I get my husband to open up and be the kind of man I want him to be?

Mariah, California

A:
You’re right. In order for a marriage to survive, you, as a woman, do need words and attention from your husband. But let me ask you, what kind of attention is your husband getting from you? Are you a critical-eyed person? Have you shut down any of his efforts to communicate? The fact you’re saying you can’t stay in the relationship without some attention tells me this has been going on a long time. By now you’re probably starved for attention. But you won’t get it by begging or threatening. That will turn him off. He just might be an emotional clod (many men are) who needs some training about what’s important to a woman.

Try something this week. Encourage your husband verbally. “Wow, honey, what a great job you did on that. I appreciate it so much.” Those words are the takeaway he needs in order to know he’s done a good job as provider. Notice that you’re not overdoing it, as in, “Oh my goodness, you’re just the best person in the whole world.” It’s like noticing that a child did well on a test at school and coming alongside him to celebrate his achievement. You’re not saying, “Oh, you’re the greatest kid in the world”; you’re focusing on the job done.

Your big, strong guy needs to hear that he’s done a good job and performed well in life. But it has to come from you. Not his co-worker. Not his mother. Not his neighbor. You. Start with some kind words and see if they’ll lead the way to your husband’s heart.

But

It’s the instant rebuttal. The immediate cutoff. Your husband is talking, and you say, “But that’s not true.” Because your coprocessor is wired to respond much more quickly, you could easily outthink your husband and jump in, seeing the flaws in his argument before he’s done. But if you do that—jump the gun or jump to conclusions—without hearing the whole scenario, you might miss a very important point he’s about to make.

It’s very disrespectful to assume what another person is going to say without hearing him out. As soon as you start with “but,” you’ve lost him. Your husband is smart enough to know that whatever comes after the “but” is going to kill everything he just said. It’s a wind changer and a relationship killer. “Oh, I’d really like to help you out, but . . .”

So when “but” rises to your lips, think instead of what you could say that would be communication Viagra, an entrée into relational intimacy:

“Tell me more about that.”

“Oh, that’s interesting.”

“I can see why you feel that way. I’ve felt like that myself.”

“That had to be frustrating.”

“That seems so unfair.”

Little words like these encourage communication. They swing the door open to a heart connection rather than slamming it shut.

Want to Really Get Your Man’s Attention?

Walk right on up to your man and plant a big one on him. Then stand back a bit, look him in the eye, and say, “I have something to tell you. I love you to pieces, but I really need to tell you something very important.” Make sure you touch him as you’re talking.

The instant you touched him and kissed him, that man of yours was thinking,
Oh boy. It’s my lucky day. I’m going to be rolling in the sack in a few minutes.

Some of you are saying right now, “Dr. Leman, that’s so crass. Why does it have to always be about sex for the guy?” Well, just hold on. We’ll discuss that in the next chapter. If you want a new husband by Friday, you have to understand how a man thinks.

Whenever you plant a real kiss on your husband’s lips, you have his attention. He’s saying to himself,
Oh man, what’s next?
And then, subtly, you slip him the commercial announcement. “I just got a call from the Garden Club. I’m supposed to help decorate, but I was also supposed to take Kaycee to her friend’s house. I can’t do both. I know it’s a curveball in your evening, but would you take Kaycee to her friend’s for me?” If approached that way, there’s no self-respecting man (dysfunctional men aside) who won’t do what his wife asked.

Any kind of emotional pat on the back—or pat on the front, for that matter—will keep your husband talking. He will give you a little bit in conversation and see how you respond to it first before he tells you more of what he’s thinking about. As soon as you get critical with him, he’ll shut down. It’s best to listen and not talk. Don’t query him about anything he says. Wait until he’s absolutely done. Then, if you have an issue about anything he said, you can bring it up—again,
after
he’s done.

Stroke that man and lead him toward sharing his opinion, and he’ll share with you more than you ever dreamed he would. Sometimes a good back scratch or a favorite dessert helps your guy open up too. Have eye contact and listen with that third ear—your heart—and you’ll be surprised what you learn. And be careful not to read too much into what he’s thinking. Most of us aren’t that deep.

Payback

Do 1 kind thing for your husband; receive 3 acts of kindness from him.

Do 3 kind things for your husband; receive 7 acts of kindness from him.

The ratio return on that investment is pretty high, don’t you think?

What You Really Want in That New Husband

When I spoke at a church in Kansas last month, I told the folks there about the time I sent my daughter roses and a little card to tell her how much I loved her. The female contingency in the audience said, “Ohhhh” in a drawn-out sigh.

“Hey, did you just hear what I did?” I said to the men in the audience. “That little ‘Ohhhh’ is what your wife is dying to say to you if you do something sweet for her, and chances are good you’ll get a lot more than that, because you’re touching her heart.”

You want that kind of husband, don’t you? The kind who will work toward pleasing you? Who is sweet and tender toward you? A man isn’t naturally inclined to be that way, especially after he gets the marriage job done. Before, he was on the hunt and was focused on doing all the right things in his singular search to “find the woman.” Since he has you now, he must have done a good job on that, right? You should pat yourself on the back. You were well worth the search and the focus that he gave to find you—even if sometimes he doesn’t act like it now.

A husband is a little like a lab rat. You know, the rat that runs through mazes where he can turn to the left or the right, and he has to decide which way to run? The rat, after numerous tries, finds out that when he turns right, electric impulses zap his feet. It doesn’t take that rat long to figure out that if he turns left, he doesn’t get that funny feeling, and he’s rewarded by a pellet of food at the end. So of course he’s going to go that way. He knows where he’s headed, and he’s singularly focused on getting the reward.

What to Do on Wednesday

1. Give him the Cliffs-Notes, not the whole enchilada.

2. Don’t ask, “Why?”

3. Allow him time to process your information. Your coprocessor might be faster, but that doesn’t mean it’s better in the long run.

4. Remember, he’s your lover, not your girlfriend. (And think about it: would you really want that chatty girlfriend around 24-7?)

But what if you changed the rules on that rat? What if you gave him a shock when he turned left, and there was no pellet of reward at the end? The rat would figure,
Well, I guess things have
changed around here. Maybe I have to go right to get the reward.
So the little rat will run to the right and find the pellet, and he’ll learn to run to the right in the future.

What would happen, though, if you put that rat through the maze, and no matter what way he turns, you give him a shock? He wouldn’t know what to do. Pretty soon the rat would just stay there at the crossroads of the maze, dancing up and down frantically because there’s an electric current underneath him, and frustrated because he doesn’t know what to do.

That’s what happens to most husbands, frankly. They go hide out because they know that no matter where they turn, they’ll get an electric shock. So they no longer try.

You, smart woman and brilliant wordsmith that you are, are one of the relational wonders of the world. You could run laps around your husband relationally any day. You need to bring your man along slowly and rather gingerly. He’s out of his element, and like that lab rat, he’s trying to figure out what to do. You’re the one who can give him cues with your words. Your affirming words go much farther than you could dream.

Women Talk

Thanks for your wonderful messages to married couples. What’s important to men has just been proven once again in our home. When my husband died last December, I was searching for some important papers and found a strongbox I didn’t know about. Inside was every card and note I’d sent him in our ten years of marriage. Most of the time my quiet, shy husband couldn’t articulate that he needed me, but now I will never doubt again. What an amazing legacy of love he left me! If people only understood sooner. . . . I wish I had. Thank you for helping people to do so.

M, Minnesota

The other day I met with a male colleague and his wife. We were talking about marriage. The woman looked her husband straight in the eye, reached out her hand to touch him across the table, and said, “You know why we’re so happy? Because of you!” It was such a sweet interaction and one I don’t see much these days, with so many couples focused on “me.”

Now that’s one couple I don’t expect to see in the divorce courts seven years down the road. I can even envision them sitting together on an old porch swing, wrinkly as raisins, holding hands on their fiftieth anniversary.

Thursday
Think of Him as a Seal Waiting
for a Three-Pound Fish

Why making love to your man is a key to who he is and how satisfied he’ll be, and what’s in it for you.

Have you ever been to the zoo and watched how the seals behave? They’re rather comical creatures and seem to crave the limelight. They’ll do anything to get your attention. And boy oh boy, the antics they’ll perform if they know their handler has a three-pound fish awaiting them . . .

You see, it’s all about reward for seals. They live for it. They soak in the praise and the clapping of the crowd and the “well done” fish at the end of the performance.

Seals are a lot like husbands. Did you know that your husband is waiting to perform for you? In fact, he’s dying for the opportunity. He doesn’t need much encouragement to give you his best shot. Sure, he’d like a three-pound fish every day, but the truth of the matter is, a six-ounce perch would taste pretty good some days.

He’ll take anything you give him—to a degree. But when you want to give him your leftovers, you’ll find that seal wobbling away as fast as he can go.

Performing for you and your children (if you have any) is what drives your man. He wants to be a good husband; he wants to be a good father. All he needs is the slightest encouragement. Then stand back and watch how resilient and relentless your man can be in providing for you. He may not be able to go from task to task like you do, but there will be a fire in his belly that keeps him going.

When I talk about performing, I’m not talking about the dancing your husband does when he gets out of the shower. (I’ve been married for over 40 years, so you’d think my wife would enjoy the show, which is why I keep doing it. But I’ve learned she would much rather listen to a choir singing the “Hallelujah Chorus” than watch me do the renowned towel dance.)

You—and only you—can unleash power in your man. He’s waiting to give it to you. He’s dying to give it to you. He’s all about performing—for you—and he’s ready to make it a show to remember.

“Dr. Leman,” you’re saying, “there you go again. You’re talking about sex.”

Yes, I’m talking about sex, but I’m also saying that your husband will perform like the stud of all time, working himself to death for you like a salmon doing a 17-mile run upstream if you make him feel respected, needed, and fulfilled. He’ll be panting and gasping for air sometimes, but you’ll be one fulfilled, satisfied woman who has a happy husband.

So in this chapter, yes, we’re going to talk about sex, but we’re also going to talk about making love to your man in other ways.