Have a New Husband by Friday (20 page)

If you don’t think you need a man in your life, then don’t marry one.

If you don’t think you need a man in your life, then don’t marry one. Just live the single lifestyle. There are lots of folks out there who love being single—coming and going whenever they wish, with only their fish to feed. No one’s fighting over the remote control, their checking account has their name on it, and all they have to think about is themselves.

There are a lot of married people today who are living singles’ lifestyles. But that’s not a partnership. It’s a roommate situation.

It used to be that men were the clear-cut leaders in the family. But today it’s the women who are making the decisions—about how money is spent, how the bills are paid, etc. I ask you, does it really matter who’s in charge of the finances, as long as the electric bill is getting paid and you make sure you have heat in the middle of the winter?

Research shows today that the woman is the bill payer instead of the man, who was the bill payer just 20 years ago. This brings up all sorts of questions about leadership in marriage.

When I talk about leaders, I love to use the analogy of sheep.
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A shepherd has a unique call and way of tending and guiding his sheep. We think sheep are dumb, defenseless animals, but they’re smarter than we think. If someone dressed a different person in the same clothes as the shepherd wore, then digitized the first shepherd’s call so it sounded exactly like him, those sheep wouldn’t be fooled. They may look at the new shepherd, but they wouldn’t come to him. Those sheep would follow only the shepherd.

Let me ask you. Would you have any problem following a good shepherd who was there for you through thick and thin? Who wasn’t squeamish about going to Walgreens to buy “light days, windy days, heavy days, elastic with sticky tabs and without zippers, rebar-enforced, smooth-cornered” whatever-they-are when you need them? For a man to do that, he has to care more about you than about any embarrassment to himself. Is this the type of man who would treat you as a doormat? No.

So why such a big deal about leadership? One of my buddies always jokes, “My wife appointed me leader years ago.” Is marriage a competition to you? Do you have to “win” the last hand? I’ll tell it to you straight. If someone is “winning” your marriage, then you’re both losing.

Do you want to live happily ever after or not? “But I don’t look good in one of those princess gowns with the puffy sleeves,” you say. That’s not the point. The point is, do you want to be loved, respected, cared for, provided for, and protected by your husband? Do you want him to respond to your needs? That’s what the principles in this book, if followed, will gain you. That’s what’s in it for you. The other way will head you down the road to anger, bitterness, disillusionment, and divorce.

Women Talk

I’ve been a fan of yours for years. I thoroughly enjoyed
Born to Win,
because that book is my life story. I’m so good at detailed work, I love numbers, and I love to figure things out. I also know I have that critical eye.

We had a crisis at school last year. Our twin girls, who are very bright, were doing extremely poorly in school. Finally we figured out that they weren’t finishing assignments because they feared the criticism of good ol’ Mom. That hit hard.

My husband has paid for that big-time as well. I’ve seen it in his eyes, and he gets cold and quiet.

I’m working hard to keep my critical eye in check. Before I react in a situation, I begin to think about how I would have reacted, and make a new plan to respond instead. When I’m frustrated, tired, and stressed, I have to admit I slip back into the critical eye, but I’ve done a 180-degree turnaround. I’m now the first to say, “I’m sorry” to our twins or my husband. Thanks for the great insight. It’s leading to great results.

Naomi, New Mexico

Take a Peek

Take a peek over your shoulder. Do it right now. Is your mom or dad there, peering over your shoulder? Could those footsteps behind you be your dad or your mom checking on you? Just how did you learn to be the woman you are today?

Your private logic—the way you look at the world—was formed while you were growing up. How did your dad treat your mom? How did your mom treat your dad? Did your mom use her verbal acumen as a billy club over her husband’s head to get him to do things around the house? Did your dad verbally or physically abuse your mom? Or did you grow up in a picture-perfect home where

Dad and Mom never fought and modeled mutual submission, mutual respect, and love?

Few of us grew up in those picture-perfect homes. Most of us are carrying around some baggage as a result. You brought to your marriage a certain number of expectations about who a man is. If you grew up in a lousy environment and didn’t have a good relationship with your dad, your husband will pay for it. Why? Because you’ll tend to view him through the same lenses you viewed your dad through. In fact, how you view your father will color your perspective on everything I suggest in this book.

When I suggest that you give a little time and make your husband a priority, what’s your gut response? Is it “Why should I?” or, “Hey, I know I need to do something different. That’s a good idea. I can see why it’s important.”

If you’re in the “Why should I?” camp, chances are good that you didn’t have the kind of dad you needed, and that has formed your negative view of men in general. Your poor husband doesn’t have a chance. No matter what he does, you’ll shoot him down.

Is your husband paying for what another man did (or failed to do) in your life? Are you dissing your husband
because your father dissed you? What have your experiences with men, particularly your father, been in the past?

Did Daddy do you wrong?

Could you possibly be part of the problem? Did Daddy do you wrong? If so, now's the time to let go of the grudge, before it ruins your marriage. Go to your husband. Tell him, "I'm sorry. I just realized that I've treated you as if you've done me wrong all these years, just because of what my father did to me. I've been so wrong. I don't want to do that anymore, but I need your help. I can't do it on my own. I
love you very much, and I know you're not my father. I'm sorry I treated you like you were. Can we start over?"

It all starts with submission—submission to each other.

The Fighting “S” Word

I’ll say it up front: men, be submissive to your wives.

Do I have your attention? I’m old, I’m a bit on the portly side, I have five children and two grandchildren, and I’m now the proud carrier of a Medicare card—but I’m not as old as you think I am.

As soon as I use the word
submission
with an audience, you know what happens? The women start to growl, the men start to slap high fives. Now why is that?

Women hate the word
submission
—and with just cause.

Women hate the word
submission
—and with just cause. I get up before a group of women at a banquet and announce my topic—“How to Be a Submissive Wife”—just to get a rise out of them, and I do. If looks could kill, I’d be riddled with an assault rifle in two seconds flat.

I love the word
submission
. I’ve learned, as a man, that there are many who would say, “Hey, Leman, you’re the leader, the head of the family.” But I know that if I’m going to be the man my family deserves, I need to be submissive to my wife. If I’m her leader, I have to be submissive to her. I have to know her—and all the idiosyncrasies about her.

Why can’t mutual submission be something to strive for rather than something to be feared? For those of you who are people of faith, the submission mission is about being submissive to God in all things in your life, which in turn allows you to be submissive to each other. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that women should be subservient or submissive to men. Good ol’ St. Paul is clear on that:
both
should be submissive to each other, for that is what marriage is all about.

But whether you’re a person of faith or not, I’ll state it bluntly: men should love their wives so much that they are willing to take a bullet for them. They must be willing to die so that their wives can keep breathing. (And yes, I know men who would do that for their kids as well.) That’s what a real man does. Real men from the New York City fire department ran into those burning buildings on 9/11. Real men with families of their own went in as heroes because they knew how much they were needed.

But real men are not easy to find today.

As a psychologist, I am acutely aware of the fact that many couples entering into marriage today came from dysfunctional families. They’re unable to submit to anything; they rebel against even the idea. If you have a husband who didn’t grow up in a family where Mom and Dad listened to each other, respected each other, and loved each other, and where put-downs flew on a daily basis, what makes you think it will be different in your marriage? Truth is, the little boy he once was, he still is. Show me the kid he was, and I’ll show you the husband he’ll be.

A few situations might change that—health issues, traumatic experiences, spiritual experiences—but in most relationships, what you see is what you get. Some men will take advantage of a submissive-natured woman and treat her like a second-class citizen. She’s the one most likely to develop the martyr personality, and friends look at her and say, “I don’t know how you do it.” She gets psychologically fed through putting up with all the garbage from her husband. But should she? Absolutely not.

A lot of people think the Bible teaches that women are to be submissive to men. That is not the case. What St. Paul says is that we are to be submissive to one another.
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What does mutual submission look like? It means including your husband in decisions. If you’ve decided you’re going to redecorate the house and surprise him, and that he won’t say anything because he doesn’t care and the house is really your domain, stop right there. Chances are, he does care. He may not know (or care to know) all about color coordination, but he certainly does care about the overall look of his home.

This week, Sande asked me if she could write a check to a young woman who is preparing to go to Africa on a missions trip over Christmas. “Are you kidding me?” you may say. “Your wife has to get permission from you to write a check?” No, Sande doesn’t have to ask me anything. Her name is on the checkbook, just like mine. But out of respect for me, the bill payer in the home, she asks me. She tells me specifically what she’d like to do: “I’d like to encourage that young woman by sending her a donation for her trip—I’m thinking a couple hundred dollars. Is that okay with you?” I always thank her for asking.

You see, it’s all about mutual submission and respect, for the good of both of you. Since I’m the one paying the bills, I deserve to know what money she’s spending so I don’t get bushwhacked by an overdraft on our checking account.

Do you respond to your husband out of respect? Or do you order him around and treat him like a child? Some women treat their husbands as a third or fourth child, then complain when they act like one. Go figure.

A smart woman is one who addresses her husband with respect as they sit at the breakfast table, sipping coffee on a Saturday morning. “I know it’s not the time, and I know you’re so busy at work that we couldn’t do it right now, but someday I’d like to get that backyard finished. I realize we can’t afford it at this point, but someday I’d love to get it done.”

If her husband is healthy psychologically and not damaged by an abusive background, he’ll take on that challenge. Such words are just the type of kerosene a man needs to light his fire. He’ll turn into that 4-year-old who wants to surprise his mommy and make her happy.

What did that woman do right? She gave all the qualifications. She was straightforward in her request. You can bet that man will go out of his way to please her. And isn’t that what mutual submission is all about?

Many women like foot rubs and head rubs. Not my lovely wife, Mrs. Uppington. She doesn’t like to be rubbed. She likes to be scratched—lightly, with just the tips of the fingernails—in the shape of a big S. How do I know that? Because I’m submissive to my wife. When I walked down that flower-strewn aisle, my lifelong job became to understand Sandra. To love her as
she
wants and needs to be loved.

In the same way, when you said “I do,” your job became to please, respect, and honor your husband. Not an easy job, but it’s simple. And the rewards are simply incredible.

Ask Dr. Leman

Q:
My husband is always late. Last week I told him our daughter’s play was at 4:00. He got there at 4:45, when it was over. He didn’t even get to see Megan’s solo—her first ever at a school play—and she started crying. How can I explain to my daughter about her daddy missing something so important to her?

Deanna, Toronto

A:
You don’t have to explain anything. Your husband does. Put the tennis ball on the side of the net where it belongs. Were you late? No, your husband was. Your daughter may ask you, “How come Daddy didn’t get to my play on time? Danny [her younger brother] was there, you were there, but Daddy wasn’t.” The smart mom would respond, “Honey, I don’t know. You’re going to have to ask your daddy that.” Let your husband see your daughter’s tears and hear her questions for himself. That’s the only way you’ll find him showing up on time for events.

Adjust Your Dream

What was your original dream about what a good husband is? When you look back on it now, did you have a bit of a Pollyanna attitude? He was going to be the romantic knight who would sweep you off your feet and into his house, deliver fresh flowers every day with a flourish, and regale you with affectionate language on an ongoing basis. If that was your dream, you need to adjust it, because it’s simply not gonna happen. You’re asking your male creature to be something he’s not.

Recently our church had two separate events—a men’s night and a ladies’ night. For the men’s night, a basketball coach came to speak. We had one-and-a-half-inch pork chops that were out of this world. When it was time to eat, a guy said (in typical male style), “Okay, guys, listen up. We’re going to go through this door, pick up food, and come back through that door.”