Haven: Renegade Saints MC (14 page)

I licked my lips. “I’m happier than I was.”

Kitty frowned. “Are you guys, like…you know, doing it? Having sex?” She turned to me with a lascivious expression on her face. “I mean, you
are
married.”

I blushed. “I’m not telling you that,” I protested. “That’s not fair. You don’t tell me about your sex life, I don’t have to tell you about mine.”

Kitty stared at me with an even expression on her pretty face. “You’re not doing it, then,” she said confidently. I tossed my hair over my shoulder and stood up, draining the last of my glass. I was starting to feel actually drunk, but I hadn’t noticed until I’d stood up. I hadn’t had very much to eat that day, and here I was, getting drunk on my husband’s wine stash.

“You don’t know anything,” I said before I could think about it. Kitty stared at me, clearly shocked. I couldn’t believe what I’d said. Clapping a hand over my mouth, I turned away.

“What was that?” Her tone was accusing, and not exactly friendly.

“I don’t know,” I mumbled. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to…I’m just, I’m sorry, Kitty. I’m under so much pressure and stress right now.”

Kitty rolled her eyes. “Yeah, like staying home all day and drinking wine is really hard, Tori.”

I sat down with a hard thump that hurt my tailbone. Wincing, I turned to my best friend. “Look, I know you’re mad at me. I should have told you more about this, I’m sorry. But Silas is really dangerous, and Max is trying to keep me safe. That’s why that other guy is here, and that’s why I can’t leave the house without him.”

Kitty softened, but she still looked pretty angry. “You’re just so different,” she said. “You used to be so impulsive, so headstrong. And now this? You’re basically letting someone control you?”

“It’s not about control,” I argued back. “It’s about staying safe. Silas is dangerous, and he’s out there.”

Kitty threw her head back and laughed. “You really think your evil ex is so dead-set on getting you that he’s spending all of his time creeping around outside with a knife or something?” She rolled her eyes and I felt a painful sting in my heart. “You need to get over yourself, Tori. Silas was an asshole; I’ll grant you that. But he wasn’t nearly as bad as you’ve said.” She stared at me until I felt my cheeks growing hot and tears forming in my eyes. “If he was as bad as you said, you’d be dead or traumatized or something right now. You just wanted attention, Tori. You were jealous because I always had new boyfriends and fun and you just let Silas control your life all the time, even though he’s too weak to really do anything.”

I could feel myself getting angrier and angrier and I knew that soon I was going to say something that I’d regret. “Kitty, I am fucking traumatized!” I yelled back. “You don’t see it, but I can barely sleep! I have nightmares every time I close my eyes that Silas is coming back to kill me, or that I’m already dead, or that Max has turned into him! He ruined my life for years!” I balled my hand into a fist and slammed it down on the table. “He wouldn’t even let me go to my own father’s funeral! He thought I’d be out there, flirting with guys!” Tears spilled from my lids and down my cheeks. I wiped them hastily away and glared at Kitty. Her face was unreadable but angry. I felt betrayed, like she didn’t really understand me or care about me. I felt like she didn’t give a fuck.

“You can leave,” I said in a shaky voice, pointing towards the door. “If you’re just going to be a huge bitch, I don’t want to be your friend anymore.”

“Why are you acting like a little kid?” Kitty stood up with her hands grabbing onto her hips, like wings. “I’m just telling you the truth, Tori, and it’s not my fault if you’re too fucked up to hear it.”

“Get out,” I repeated, in the same dull, wooden voice. “I don’t want to see you again.”

Kitty let out a huff of breath. “Fine,” she snapped. “But the next time you get bored, don’t think of calling me. I’m sick of having lame friends,” she added. I winced again. She stalked out of the room and slammed the door behind her. As I listened to her heels fade away on the sidewalk, I lowered my head to the table and started sobbing.

I’d never felt so alone in my life. I wondered if the rest of my life would be like this, waiting at home for Max, bored out of my skull. I’d just lost my last best friend and now I didn’t even know what I was going to do until he got home. And I hated how Kitty hadn’t believed me about Silas! It was like no one did. Not Max, not Kitty, not anyone. He was the worst thing that had ever happened to me and I couldn’t even tell people about it without their expressing skepticism.

“Hey, there,” Danny said in a low voice. He knocked against the open doorframe. “Mind if I sit?”

“No,” I said, my cheeks reddening. I was a mess of snot and tears and I didn’t want
anyone
to see me like this, but I didn’t want to risk alienating yet another person who could be a friend. “I’m sorry,” I added. “I’m just not feeling very well today.”

Danny nodded. He cleared his throat. “Is there anything I can do?” He walked closer and I saw real concern in his eyes.

I shook my head. “No, thanks,” I said softly. “I’ll be fine.”

Danny nodded. Unlike Kitty, he actually seemed to understand the transformative power of silence. He lowered himself into the chair that she’d been sitting in and poured himself a glass of wine, keeping his eyes down on the table while he drank it. He let out a long sigh.

“I know this is hard on you,” Danny said. “Max told me you were real independent, like not the kind of girl who would like being cooped up.”

I nodded. “It’s not exactly that,” I mumbled. “It’s everything, it’s more than—”

Right then, at that exact moment, we both heard the front door open and close. Danny nodded at me, as if to say “alright, then,” and got up and walked back into the living room. I heard he and Max exchange a few words and then Max’s large frame walked into the kitchen. For once, he didn’t smile at me, and for once, he didn’t seem overly attentive to how I was feeling.

“I’m hungry,” Max muttered. “Did you make anything for dinner?”

My cheeks burned all over again. “I didn’t,” I said softly. “Um, my friend Kitty came over for some wine and we got in a fight.”

Max swallowed. I expected him to chastise me, for what, I didn’t know, but he didn’t. Instead he let out a long sigh. “I’ll go to the store,” he said roughly. “I’ll be back soon.”

“Wait,” I said, a hint of desperation creeping into my voice. “Can I come with you?”

Max shook his head. “I’ll be right back,” he said. He sounded tired. “Do you want anything?”

“Please don’t go,” I said suddenly. “I’ve been really feeling lonely all day and I don’t want to be left alone again. Please let me come with you, okay?”

Max sighed. “Fine,” he snapped. “You’ve got five minutes to get ready.”

I was so elated at being allowed to leave the house that I almost didn’t notice the shitty mood he was in. Max was acting a lot shorter than usual with me, and he seemed tense. Even though he’d been asleep next to me all night, he looked like he’d spent the night walking the floor and drinking. He looked terrible.

I ran down the hall and put a brush through my hair, then tugged on a fresh pair of jeans and moccasins. Max and I met in the hallway; he was swinging his keys around on a short chain.

“Come on,” Max said gruffly. “We’re taking my bike.”

There was something exhilarating about riding behind Max, about wrapping my arms around his muscular torso and holding on for dear life. He drove fast, seemingly
too
fast, but I felt safe when I was with him. I knew that Max would never endanger me, or do anything to hurt me. In fact, the faster he drove, the safer I felt. With Max to break the wind in front of me, I even felt warm and cozy on the back of his bike. Max’s leather jacket smelled heavenly, like
man
, like the way I remembered my father’s jacking smelling when we’d hug. It made me sad in a whole new way, and even though I was starting to feel better from earlier, I still felt pretty alone.

I liked Max, a lot, but I was reticent of sharing too much with him now. After all, he only married me because of that promise he’d made to my father. Maybe there would be a chance that someday, he could fall in love with me and not regret his decision.
Or maybe he’ll tell you that he wants a divorce
, I thought sullenly as Max steered the bike around a sharp curve. He was driving faster than ever but I didn’t even mind. In a way, I could sort of tell why he liked riding on a bike so much. It was much different than riding in a car. You were exposed to air, exposed to nature, not encased in a safe little fiberglass bubble.

When we got to the store, I trailed behind Max as he grabbed a few things. Rice, refried beans, tortillas, cheese, sour cream.

“What are you getting?”

Max turned to me. “This is my comfort food,” he said sullenly, giving me no explanation for why he suddenly needed comfort food.

“Oh,” I said in a small voice.

We didn’t talk for the rest of the trip. The safe feeling that had welled up within me on the back of the bike dissipated rapidly and I was left feeling more awkward around Max than ever before.

When we got home, I sat in the kitchen and watched as Max silently made a mess of the food. He set down a couple of plates on the table and slid one over to me. It smelled good. When I took a bite, I was surprised to find it delicious.

“This is good,” I said.

Max didn’t look up. “My mom made this for me as a kid,” he said. “She was from Texas, and even people who didn’t know how to cook knew how to make Tex-Mex.”

I didn’t know what to say to that. Everything felt different between us, awkward somehow. Like things had changed.

“Oh,” I said softly. Taking a deep breath, I looked at Max. I was sick of staying at home by myself, and if he didn’t really care about me, well, I wanted to know it. “Max, would it be okay if I went out tomorrow for a little while? By myself, I mean.”

Max narrowed his eyes and glared at me. “Whatever would make you ask that, Tori?”

My heart twisted inside my chest and I looked down. “Because if Silas knows I’m married, then maybe he won’t bother me,” I replied. “And because I’m sick of being cooped up here all day with a bodyguard.”

Max shook his head firmly. “No, Tori,” he said in a low voice, almost like a growl. “And don’t ask me that again.”

“But, Max,” I wheedled. “Please!”

Max stood up from the table, sending a ripple of fear and anticipation through my body. “I told you not to ask me again,” he growled. “Don’t ever do that.” Grabbing his plate, he walked over to the sink and dumped everything. I heard the shatter of ceramic and glass as he dropped the plate down with a heavy thud before turning on his heel and walking out of the kitchen.

I could have cried. It just wasn’t fair! I didn’t know why Max was treating me like this, and worse, now he was acting like he was angry with me!

Sighing, I shook my head and gazed down bitterly. This was my life now. I had to get used to it.

Max

I knew it was wrong to snap at Tori the way I did, but I couldn’t stand another second in that house with her accusations. I hated the way that she was making me feel—like I was responsible for her happiness. I hated the way that I did feel, which was actually pretty damn close. Everything was happening too fast, too soon, and I wanted to pull back.

Talking about Talia with Tori wasn’t something that I’d ever wanted to do, but unfortunately it looked like I was going to have to share the news soon. I didn’t know how she’d take it; hell, I didn’t even know if Tori was going to be upset that someone else had been in my life before her. Oddly, part of me felt guilty, like it was my fault for keeping it secret for so long.

Deep down, I knew that I probably should have handled it better, but the truth was, I just had no idea what to do. Maria’s revelation had thrown me like nothing else had ever done before, and I just needed to be alone and think for a while.

I tried to remember the last time Talia and I had seen each other. It was harder than it should have been; somehow, her memories were starting to take on a cloudy haze in my mind, the kind of thing that made me feel like maybe she was starting to disappear. It scared me; Talia had been my first love, the only girl I played hero to. Without her, I wasn’t sure what I’d have left.

I remembered one night, a little before she died.

“Max,” Talia said in a teasing voice. “I want to go out tonight. Can you take me out, baby?” She batted her long eyelashes at me and winked, tossing her mane of dark hair behind her. I was stunned, as usual, by her lovely appearance. Every time I was with Talia, I found myself wondering just what she was doing with me. She was so beautiful, so exotic in a way that made my stomach hurt and my balls ache. Every time we kissed, every time we touched, I was entranced. She was my fiancée, and I still couldn’t believe that she was mine.

“Yeah, baby,” I said as I leaned over and kissed her luscious, full lips. “Of course we can go out. What do you wanna do?”

Talia pouted. She rolled over on her back and gazed up at me with smoldering eyes. “Max, I want you to surprise me,” she said. “Take me someplace nice.”

I knew what she meant— “Take me someplace that isn’t in Marquette.” Talia was sophisticated; she didn’t like being in what she called a small town. Even though Marquette was a decently sized suburb of Boston, she never felt at home. She always complained about how she knew everyone, or how nothing surprised her. Talia’s biggest problem in life seemed to be constant boredom, and sometimes I tore my hair out with frustration on how to help her.

“You got it,” I told her with a grin. Talia purred and sat up, reaching over and tangling her fingers in my hair. We had such similar complexions. When we’d first started dating, we had to endure a lot of comments about how we were likely related, or stupid shit like that. It hadn’t bothered me, but I knew it bugged Talia. She didn’t like any jokes that made her out to be the butt. She never wanted to be laughed at. I thought it was a little ridiculous; she had such a rigid sense of humor! But at the same time, I loved her so much that I didn’t really mind catering to her every whim.

In the end, I picked a fancy Italian restaurant in the heart of Boston. Talia dressed to kill, in a short black silk dress with stockings and heels that looked straight from the set of a porno. I was drooling when I first laid eyes on her. She had the knack of making me feel like the luckiest guy in the world.

Dinner was amazing. We ordered every dish on the menu and fed each other. We ordered five bottles of wine until I was bleary-eyed and so bloated that I could barely stand. It was an incredible night, and I knew that when Talia got me home, she’d want me so badly that she wouldn’t be able to keep that dress on for another second. Talia had been groping my leg the entire time we’d been at the restaurant, and I knew she was dying for some of my cock.

“You wanna get out of here?” I eyed Talia.

She giggled and looked away, pretending to be modest. “Max, I didn’t ask you to bring me all the way out here,” she said, feigning surprise. “But this has been such a nice evening. I wish we could eat like this all the time.”
“If we did this all the time, we’d both get too fat,” I said, expecting Talia to laugh. But she didn’t laugh; instead, she frowned.

“I don’t know,” Talia said. “You wouldn’t mind, would you? After all, I’d be your wife. Nothing would change that.”

“You’re right,” I said. “Sorry, I made a shitty joke.”

When we got in the car to go home, I expected Talia to be all over me. Normally, in the car, she’d keep her hand between my thighs or rub my chest. Sometimes, she even put her legs up on the dash and rubbed her pussy, like she was getting hot just from sitting next to me. It turned me on so much, and I was desperately hoping she’d do it, or anything. Something to get me aroused.

But Talia just sat there, staring out the window. “I feel weird,” she said after a while, with no provocation. “Like, I’m bored.”

I frowned. “What are you talking about? We just had a great meal, and we’re going home now.”

“I know,” Talia said. She turned to me and suddenly, there was light in her dark eyes, a spark of life on her foxlike face. “Let me drive,” she said. “I want to drive home!”

I laughed. “Okay,” I said. I pulled over onto the shoulder of the road. Talia climbed over the seat and wriggled into my lap. The pert cheeks of her ass rubbed my cock to life and I moaned as she squirmed around.

“Move,” Talia commanded in a stern voice. “I can’t drive on your lap like this.” She wriggled around again, sending a delicious spike of arousal through my body. “Come on, Max,” she added, her tone insistent and sharp. “Listen to me.”

I laughed. I never thought that I’d let myself be bossed around by a woman, but here I was.

“Okay, okay,” I said, raising my hands in a show of defeat and climbing out of the car. “I’m getting out. You happy now?”

Talia grinned at me, looking smugger than usual. She barely even waited for me to climb in the passenger side before gunning straight ahead and slamming her foot down on the gas pedal. The force of her driving slammed me back against the seat and I had to catch my breath. Talia laughed as she maniacally drove around a hairpin turn, not even bothering to slow down. I cringed as I could feel the wheels lifting off the ground and the car hovering in air.

“Talia,” I said in a low voice. “What are you doing? You’re driving like a maniac!”

Talia laughed, throwing her head back and showing white teeth. “Don’t be a loser, Max,” she said with a glittering grin. “I’m just having fun, that’s all!”

I gripped the seat as Talia piloted us around another tight curve in the road. She veered into the lane of oncoming traffic and I saw the panic reflected on the faces of the other drivers. I saw the whites of their eyes grow large with fear and sweat bead on their foreheads. Reaching across the interior of the car, I grabbed Talia’s arm.

“Talia, fucking listen to me!” I growled. “Do you have a fucking death wish? Are you trying to kill us?”

“I’m just having fun,” Talia said. She pushed my hand away and sped off towards Marquette. “Why are you being so boring?” She turned to me and winked, a trace of the old affection on her face. “What’s wrong, loser?”

“Don’t talk to me like that,” I growled. Part of me was used to letting Talia get away with everything, but I didn’t want her to think she could control me so easily. Not now, not like this. Finally, I reached over and slapped her cheek. I didn’t do it too roughly, but Talia still recoiled and looked at me in horror.

“What did you do that for?” The car skidded to a stop and instantly, fumes of burning rubber filled my nose. My heart was racing in my chest and I sucked in a few deep gulps of air. Talia looked indignant. Her nostrils were flared and her eyes were glaring at me with angry black fire.

“Talia, you’re going to kill us,” I said in an even, measured voice. “I want you to be safe, okay?”

Talia’s glare grew even fiercer. A trucker passed us, going in the opposite direction, and the light from his headlights flashed over Talia’s diamond. It sparkled and glistened on her left hand, and I was overcome with remorse for what I’d done.

“Talia, baby, I’m sorry,” I said. But it was too late. Talia had climbed out of the car and she was walking ahead, not looking back. When I yelled her name, she didn’t even flinch. Desperate, I leapt out of the passenger side and chased after her, trying to grab her shoulders and arms.

“Leave me the fuck alone,” Talia hissed when I grabbed her arm. “You don’t love me, asshole. You don’t know anything about me!” She looked as angry as a wild cat, and before I could do anything she’d raised an arm and raked her nails across my face. I could feel beads of blood welling up in the small scratches before she’d lowered her hand.

“Talia, come on,” I pleaded. “I’m sorry, you know I’d never hurt you, but you were being so reckless! I didn’t know how to get you to stop.”

Talia stood there like an angry, sexy dragon. She crossed her arms over her chest and stared at me. “You’ll let me drive again,” she said in a low, serious voice. “You’d better, Max, or I’m leaving. I don’t like being told what to do,” she added, raising her chin in the air. “So don’t start with me.”

Then, a week later, she’d died. I remembered where I was when I got the call like it had been yesterday: I’d been in the clubhouse, hanging out with Danny and Paul. I’d been getting a little nervous because I hadn’t heard from Talia in hours, and they were ribbing me about it, calling me pussywhipped, telling me that I was acting like a real girl about the whole situation.

Then I got the call saying that she’d been killed, and could I please come and identify the body?

Years later, even though it was sometimes hard for me to remember what I’d loved about Talia, I still remembered how it felt. It felt like my guts were being yanked out with a sharp tool, like someone had their hand stuffed in my belly and twisted through my intestines. It was the worst pain I’d ever felt, and the worst part about it was knowing that I’d never get over it, that I’d always feel this bad.

Talia.
Even just her name was enough to make me feel traumatized. And now, her fingerprints had been found on a letter in Kristoff’s house. None of it made sense; Talia had known Kristoff, sure, but only in passing. To her, he was just the leader of the MC, the guy I rode behind. She never expressed an opinion about him one way or the other, only that she wanted to control me and the direction that I was going to take the club in.

Part of me was dying to ask Tori if she’d ever seen Talia before, if she knew of any connection between my ex-fiancée and my deceased father-in-law. But Tori didn’t even
know
much about Talia, and I couldn’t risk opening that can of worms right now.

It was a real quandary. I reached into my pocket and grabbed my cell, calling Paul.

“Hey, man,” I told him. “Can you meet me somewhere?”

“I don’t know,” Paul said. “You got pretty hammered last night. I have plans later,” he added in a low voice. “I don’t know if I can be out running around again.”

“Come on, man,” I whined. “I found something out that I want you to know.”

Paul didn’t reply. He hung up the phone and instinctively, I knew I’d hooked him. I drove to the Renegade Saints clubhouse and spotted his bike out front.

“Yo,” Paul said when I let myself inside. We were the only two Saints in the clubhouse that day, and it seemed too large and empty for my tastes. “What’s going on?”

I sat down and thought about what I was going to say. “Paul, do you ever think about Talia?”

He looked surprised. Then it occurred to me that Paul was probably thinking I’d pump him for more information on his parents. No wonder he hadn’t wanted to meet up with me again, not so soon.

“Sometimes,” Paul said. He cleared his throat. “Are you having some problems?”

“Worse than that,” I admitted. “You remember Maria? That foxy scientist I used to bang?”

Paul furrowed his brow. “Yeah, I remember her,” he said. “I haven’t seen her around in a while. Did you run into her?”