Heal Me (A Touched Trilogy Book 2) (16 page)

I shrugged. It didn’t matter. It was over now.

“Dad thinks this is all because Ms. Garcia made you do that comparison thing with Dylan and Mom,” she said.

“She didn’t make me pick them. It was luck of the draw and you know the kind of luck I have.”

“Is this because of Micah then? Lils, he is so not worth this. Karin’s sister’s friend is in that class and told her what Micah said about you. You know that shit isn’t true.”

“This isn’t about Micah. He was my friend.” Nothing more. Nothing more to everyone other than me. I should have been glad that only Phoebe knew the extent of my humiliation.

“Not only a friend. Besides a friend wouldn’t say those kinds of things.”

“Maybe, but how does that make them any less true?”

“What the hell are you talking about?” She leaned toward me and I reached out to stroke her hand. The transfer was slow and painful, not because her emotions were so strong, but because I had no room for them in me.

“I’m tired.” I rolled away from her and tried to put Micah and his words away, back inside some drawer in my mind that wouldn’t make me listen to them again.

It was true what I’d said about it not being about Micah. It had hurt to hear him say those things, but what really hurt was that they were accurate.

All of them.

I’d been weak letting Dylan control me when he was alive and then when he was gone. I’d been scared of facing the guilt I felt for his death and of the anger I felt toward him for making the choice he did. That was what had driven me into my relationship with Micah. I’d wanted to find a way to block out everything to do with Dylan. Micah had done that. I’d wanted to show myself, show Dylan, that I was moving forward without him. Only I hadn’t really. I’d just stalled in facing the fact that Dylan didn’t care what choices I made now, because he wasn’t there to see it.

Phoebe left and I was alone with my regrets.

On Monday, I went to school and did what was expected of me. No one seemed to notice me. One day I was being embarrassed and emotionally broken down while they all watched and the next I was just me again.

When I walked into class the next morning, the confined space was suffocating with negativity. I wanted it to all go away. I wanted to feel the peace I’d had lying on the bed and gazing at my stars. My fingers searched out the nearest source, Andrew, and drew it in. He glanced at me with curious eyes, before turning away with a slight smile. I reached out again and again, healing as many people as I could that were around me, before I made my way to my desk, touching nearly everyone I passed and letting their feelings drift through me, until only a sense of calm surrounded me.

The strategy worked well the entire morning. Each class I went into I made my rounds, touching everyone who emitted even the slightest hint of anything negative. There were stares when I first went up to people I barely knew, but the looks quickly disappeared with my soothing touch. I couldn’t figure out why I had never tried doing this before.

I felt vaguely normal. I actually heard the things my teachers said, understood what was going on, felt motivated to do something other than just take up space in the room. At lunch, I went outside, sat in the sun at one of the picnic tables, and ate alone. It wasn’t lonely though, just peacefully calm, with no extra emotions forcing themselves on me. After I was done, I threw my trash away and went to my next class.

Entering Ms. Garcia’s, I was bent on the same mission, wanting to eliminate all of their emotions. By the time I sat, the only people I hadn’t healed were Micah and Chloe. I didn’t bother trying with Micah, since who knew what would happen. Chloe was easy, especially since she sat in complete horror at what I was doing. Ms. Garcia seemed a bit confused by the utter cooperation of her students, until I managed to graze her arm with my hand as she walked by. By the end of the day, I hadn’t felt anyone other than myself for nearly two hours.

On the way to my locker, I ran into Owen, who stayed a good five feet away from me.

“You okay, Lily?” he asked, concern etched into a deep furrow along his forehead.

“I’m fine, why?” I took a step closer, wanting to rid myself of the heat building in my hands, but he countered with two steps back.

“Uh, it just that, well...you seem a bit touchy today.”

“What do you mean? Everything is great.”

“Sure, but have you looked around you?”

I glanced around. The hall was filled with people all sporting similar serene smiles, devoid of any real feeling. In fact, the only emotions I could sense were Owen’s concern and Micah’s lingering remorse flowing all the way from his locker at the other end of the hall. Everyone in between was a completely blank slate.

“Is there a reason you’ve decided to heal everyone on campus?”

“I haven’t done everyone,” I said.

“Yeah, well, everyone except Micah and me.”

“Okay, so maybe I went a little overboard. I just needed some peace.” I shrugged and turned away from him, not wanting to see his censure.

“And that gives you the right to steal their emotions?” Owen stepped toward me this time, crowding me with his disappointment.

“I didn’t steal anything,” I protested.

“Look at them, Lily. They're like carbon copies of each other. The only thing they’re feeling is what you gave them.” This judgment wasn’t what I’d expected from Owen. He was never concerned with what was going on around him, but he’d never felt as strongly as he did right then.

“They weren’t happy before,” I said, wanting to defend myself. “All I did was take the bad stuff away. It’s gone and they don’t have to feel it anymore. I don’t have to feel it anymore.”

“Not all pain is bad.” He stepped closer and all I felt from him now was sympathy. “People need to feel it so they know when to move on and so they can learn to accept that not everything in life is easy.”

I pressed my back to my locker and sank to the ground, letting my head rest on my knees. Owen sat beside me and put an arm over my shoulder.

“It’s gonna be okay, Lils.” He rubbed the top of my head with his hand. “You’re gonna be okay.”

“I don’t think so. I am so messed up. Even Phoebe can see how messed up I am.” I felt his chest rumble with soft laughter.

“I don’t think Phoebe is the best judge of that considering all the crap she’s pulled.” This time my giggles mingled with his chuckles.

“Maybe not, but it doesn’t change the fact that I am.”

“True.”

I expected him to say more, but he simply stared out into the slowly emptying hall completely distracted by some internal thought. Eventually e helped me up and walked me home, holding me up the last few steps when the full impact of the healings I’d done began to take their toll.

During lunch the next day, I ate outside, away from the picnic tables. It was a shaded spot under a large oak tree that overlooked the football field. Dylan and I used to sit there and talk between classes whenever we had a break. Being there felt more like the old me. Alone and unharmed. Protected against the continual onslant of raging emotions going on inside the school, when making it through the day meant I would come out nearly unscathed by my gift.

I was almost finished eating when Micah sat beside me. I cringed at the heat he brought with him. He was sad and guilty. The only relief I had was that my own feelings of those emotions were much stronger and the sensations coursing through my hands were mild in comparison to what my soul was dealing with.

“Lily, I’m sorry,” he said, his plea filtering through as a searing in my hands. “I had no idea she was going to make us share it with the class.”

“Did you mean it?” I asked. Did I really need to know or was this question pumping through me just morbid curiosity?

“Hannah’s missed you. She even said your name. At least I think it’s your name. It’s really just a long string of something like a la sound.”

“Did you mean it?” I asked again.

“I said I was sorry, Lils.” He reached out to take my hand. There was no transfer and even though he still pulsed with the emotions, the burning faded. “Please. Come over tonight and we’ll watch that movie you like with George Clooney and the goats.”

“Okay,” I said. Weak. Easy.

“Good.” He squeezed my hand and smiled. I almost believed that it was good. “Come by around seven. Mom’s office is doing some kind of celebration dinner for the employees so my folks should be gone by then.”

It was that easy. Easy. He left and I watched him go, my clear sandwich bag fluttering in the wind behind him, giving chase to something it would never catch.

“It’s okay to be alone.”

I twisted around to see Owen a few steps away and then glanced away. There was pity in his eyes and it made me feel pathetic. He sat down beside me and curled an arm around me. My head tilted and rested on his shoulder.

“I wish there was something that would magically make me feel better. That I could wake up tomorrow morning and feel differently about everything.”

“I really thought I could get back at Dylan. Show him that I was still alive and that he had missed moving on with me. Instead, I was just a complete fool.”

“With Micah?”

“Was I really that obvious?” So much for my hope of being spared total humiliation.

I felt his head shake. “No, I just notice a lot more about you than most people do I guess. It hurt you to hear him say those things.”

“He was right. I am weak and cowardly and easy.”

“Do you honestly believe that?” He shifted away from me so he could see my face and I looked up at him. “I’ve seen your face when you heal someone, Lily. I’ve felt what you can do. You have such an amazing heart and you give it freely. I wish you could see what I do when I look at you.”

I wondered if he knew that was the first nice thing anyone had said to me in a long time. Most people never really saw me.

“You remind me a bit of my little sister, Lisa. You have the same hair as her, wild and curly, and she was always trying to help people, even those that didn’t deserve it.” His eyes glazed over and turned out to the field.

“She sounds really sweet. I didn’t even know you had a sister. How old is she?”

“Fourteen.” The bell rang and he pulled away from me abruptly, rising to his feet. I thought he was going to walk away without saying anything else, but he held out a hand to help me up. I took the offering. We walked back into the school and as we went to split directions, Owen put a hand on my arm. “Don’t make it easy for him, Lily. He’s the one that used you. Don’t forgive him that easily.”

I wanted to listen to him and to hear the sense in his words, but I couldn’t, because I knew the truth. I had used Micah just as much as he’d used me. And I’d been much less honest in my reasons.

Chapter 12

Chloe and I were in the kitchen making dinner when Phoebe came home. I barely glanced up from the mixing bowl full of pasta and veggies that I held. Phoebe hopped up on the counter beside me, and swiped a sliver of cucumber from the bowl, then let out a short howl when Chloe whacked her hand with a towel.

“No eating early,” Chloe said and ignored the ugly face Phoebe made at her. “Nanna’s coming for dinner and you don’t need any more excuses to avoid her.”

“Whatever.” Phoebe winked at me and snuck another cucumber when Chloe turned her back. “And I’m not avoiding Nanna anymore.”

“Sure, Phoebs.” Chloe rolled her eyes. “You’re just conveniently absent whenever she stops by.”

“Nanna and I have an understanding. Now if you don’t mind, I think we have something much more important to talk about.”

“What’s that?” Chloe asked.

“Our birthday.”

“Our birthday?” Chloe echoed.

Every part of me froze at those two words. Considering our mother died giving birth to us, our birthday had always been bittersweet. Dad and Nanna would try to make it special, but considering the issues the three of us had with our mom and the memories we kept with us due to our gifts, it was a hard day to celebrate. My memories of the pain she felt and how she had weakened as her life drained away, were always stronger around our birthday. It was nearly impossible for me to sleep the days before when it was hardest to separate the feel of her dying from my own emotions.

“It’s only three weeks until we’re finally eighteen and we need to do something epic.”

“Epic?” I repeated. It sounded like something Chloe would have thought of, not Phoebe who shunned anyone who wasn’t in her little group.

“Yes, epic. You know, totally beyond anything any of our friends have done. I feel like I’m suddenly the only one with brains in the room.”

“Trust me, Phoebs,” Chloe said, “if your zombies attacked now you’d be their final choice for brains.”

“Oh, burn. Not. Everyone knows that modern zombies don’t care about brains.” Phoebe turned to me in an attempt to shut Chloe up. “Anyways, Tonya and I were talking and we thought about throwing a massive Halloween slash birthday party. We’d get a DJ and everyone would be in costumes. Tonya wants to do a theme and make everyone dress up like celebrities, but I totally nixed that. I told her it wouldn’t be fair to you, since there aren’t any midget celebs with carrot hair. Just kidding. I want everyone to go as zombies, which she said absolutely no to.”

“And you think Dad is going to go for this?” I asked before Chloe could chime in with any more snide comments.

“That’s the beauty of it. Tonya’s grandma is gonna be out of town that weekend and when Tonya asked her about it she said it was okay.”

“Tonya asked her about a massive party? And she agreed?”

“Well, she asked her about a party.”

“Gee, Tonya really knows how to earn and keep her grandma’s trust, doesn’t she,” Chloe said.

I stepped in front of Phoebe so she couldn’t get off the counter and kill Chloe. My hand rested on her arm, her anger flowing through the tips of my fingers. Once the transfer faded, I turned on Chloe.

“That was a bit harsh,” I said. Tonya paid a high price for lying to her grandma and it was a touchy subject for Phoebe who felt partially responsible for what happened to her friend.

“You’re right. I’m sorry. So a party at Tonya’s. When?”

“Well, since Halloween is on a Friday, we can just celebrate our birthday a couple days early.”

Chloe looked at Phoebe for a moment, her eyes completely glazed over, and then said, “Fine.”

“Seriously?”

“Yes, I’m in and so is Lily.”

“I am?”

“Yeah. It’ll be fun, besides Phoebe and Nathan are finally gonna get it on and she’s gonna dish all the deets to me.” With that, she gave Phoebe a wide gloating grin and then left the kitchen. There was a tense moment of silence before Phoebe exploded.

“Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Did she really just tell me that?” Phoebe sank off the counter and held onto me for support. Excitement, nervousness, fear, anticipation vibrated through her and I tried to sort the emotions out. None of these were things I’d felt my first time. I’d missed that and a sense of loss quickly flushed her feelings from me.

I continued making dinner, putting the chicken in the oven, setting the timer, all while Phoebe tried to recover from her sudden surprise about her soon to be sex life. She started going on about what she would wear, what it was going to be like, and if she should tell Nathan, but that could make it worse. I kept silent, not wanting her to turn on me and ask about my first time. There was no way I could tell her about Micah and me, or the emotions that had rushed through me. So, Phoebe continued babbling and I listened like a good sister. When Chloe finally came back into the kitchen, I’d nearly finished dinner and was about ready to put tape over Phoebe’s mouth.

“Why aren’t you going to be at the dinner table tonight?” Chloe asked me. It was the first time in months she’d mentioned seeing into my future.

“Oh, um...I have plans.” I didn’t really want Phoebe to know, but when Chloe asked something, she rarely gave up until she had an answer.

“Plans?”

“I’m going to Micah’s.” I turned back to the stove, but not before I saw Phoebe’s head shoot up.

“What the hell do you mean you’re going to Micah’s? Lils, why would you go over there?” Phoebe stood and hovered behind me, maybe hoping her extra height would scare me into answering.

“Relax, Phoebe,” Chloe said. “Micah apologized. He had no idea he’d have to read that stuff in front of the class,”

“Are you really that dense? The guy is a complete asshole.” Phoebe sputtered and alternated between glaring at Chloe then me.

“Stop, please.” I reached a hand out to each of them. Phoebe twisted fast enough to avoid me, but Chloe didn’t even try to move. My hand grasped hers and her anger disappeared in a whiff of warmth through the palm of my hand, but she didn’t let go of me. Instead, her grip tightened painfully around my fingers and when I looked up the blank expression on her face told me my days of her not looking into my future were gone. Then her hand went limp and mine dropped to my side.

“Oh, Lils.” She had gone completely white, and looked as if she were going to be sick. “I’m...I’m so sorry. I had no clue. Oh God.”

She spun away and practically ran down the stairs, leaving Phoebe and I staring after her in confusion. Apparently, my future was going to suck really bad. I wasn’t surprised. The way things had been going it would just be one more bump.

“Well, crap. She can be such a killjoy.” Phoebe sank into a chair at the small bistro table. “Want me to go find out what she saw?”

“No.” I didn’t want to know details, especially when knowing wouldn’t change anything.

“Are you really going over to Micah’s tonight?”

“Yes. That’s what friends do, Phoebs. They hang out.”

“I just don’t get it. Why would you still be friends with him? He was a total ass.”

“He wasn’t. We had an agreement. That’s all.” I shrugged and focused on smoothing out the plastic wrap I placed over the bowl of salad. “Besides, you don’t have to get it. It’s my life.”

“Lils, please. I don’t want you to get hurt anymore.”

The words ‘I won’t’ stuck in my throat. I was sure they’d be a lie and it was pointless to try lying to her.

“Micah is my friend. I can’t just forget that.” I shoved the salad in the fridge.

“With benefits, Lils. And do I really need to remind you of what he said about you? Those benefits don’t override that.”

“I remember. Just because he said a few harsh things, doesn’t mean I can just drop him. Would you drop Tonya just because she said something hurtful?” I finally turned to look at her and the disappointment on her face matched the waves pressing into me.

“That’s different and you know it. I don’t sleep with Tonya. And as much as I love her, I’m not in love with her.”

“I’m not in love with Micah.”

“Keep telling yourself that and you’re gonna to be hurting a lot more.” She shoved away from the table and went down to the basement.

I did not love Micah. What I felt for him was nothing like the love I’d had for Dylan. Micah was a friend. I didn’t love him. I couldn’t.

I’m not sure why hiding from Nanna hadn’t crossed my mind before she arrived. Maybe because I’d never really had anything I wanted to hide from her. She’d known Dylan had been having issues and she knew it had been affecting me, but while Nanna could see the past, she wasn’t able to feel the things people did, or understand the choices they made.

Seeing her a few feet from me, with her arms wide open for a hug, had me suddenly balking. I knew she would see all the things I’d done. Things Micah and I had done. And having her know those intimate details of my life terrified me. I knew she wouldn’t approve. No one would, except maybe Micah and me. But she was impossible to escape. She moved faster than I did and wrapped me in her arms, nestling her chin on the top of my head. Her hold was longer and tighter than normal and I let her linger. Better for her to see it all now than have to go through it all again later.

The hug loosened slightly and she sighed. There was such a wealth of feeling in it - sorrow, pity, disappointment, and understanding.

“I still love you, child. No matter what.” She kissed me on the forehead, gave me a comforting squeeze and then let go, turning away quickly. Phoebe was next on her list and it was a brief exchange and a lot less strained than I’d ever seen between them. Chloe hovered near the kitchen entrance, but Nanna dragged her into the room, giving her the final embrace. Chloe whispered something to Nanna and, by the way she was watching me, it had to do with what she’d seen in the kitchen.

“I’m heading out,” I said and avoided looking at Phoebe.

“Where are you going, dear?” Nanna asked. I avoided her probing look. Now that she knew what had happened between Micah and me, it would be hard to face her without my face flaming.

“To Micah’s place. I told him I’d help watch Hannah. We’re gonna watch a few movies.”

“Are you driving?”

“No, I was going to walk. I think I need some fresh air.”

“I don’t like the idea of you walking home alone once it gets dark.” Dad looked at me from his seat in the living room.

“I’ll call for a ride when I’m ready.”

“All right. Well, don’t be late then. I have to go in to the office tomorrow morning and need to have an early night.”

I mumbled some kind of agreement, grabbed my purse, and slipped out the door before Phoebe could call me out for the liar I was.

Micah had wanted to keep Hannah a secret when he first moved here, thinking it might make it easier to fit in and make friends, especially considering the reaction of his former friends up in Seattle. Over the summer though, it had been hard to hide her, especially since she was a lot more active. It finally just came out and I knew he felt better about it. He didn’t want Hannah to grow up thinking he was ashamed of her.

I hadn’t asked about her mother again. That one conversation had been enough to know that he still cared for Jaime and that she was a sensitive subject, but I wanted to know about her. The picture of Jaime in Hannah’s room showed how beautiful she was. She looked like some kind of Rock and Roll princess. She was tall, with long blonde hair, and one of those perfectly symmetrical faces. I bet she didn’t have a single freckle on her entire body. I tried not to think about her as I walked to Micah’s. It was pointless. She was out of his and Hannah’s lives and I’d never even met her. Instead, I tried to think about what would happen tonight. What would Micah say? I wasn’t even sure I knew what I wanted him to say. Maybe that he wanted more than just benefits and that he wanted to be with me.

The walk wasn’t long enough, because when I walked up the path to the house, I had no answers for myself. Not ready to face him yet, I sat on the front step, looking into the yard. It was still warm out and I was glad I hadn’t worn my jacket, but the breeze tickled my skin through my eyelet lace shirt and I knew it would be much cooler out by the time I left. One of Hannah’s pink elephant toys was hiding off the side of the steps, dropped without notice. I leaned over and picked it up, brushing off the dirt that clung to it.

The door opened behind me and Hannah came toddling out. She’d been walking for a few weeks, and was still wobbly, but when she saw the toy I held, she came forward at full speed.

“What are you doing sitting out here?” Micah asked.

“Oh, I was just...” I waved the toy much to Hannah’s delight. “I was just grabbing this.”

He picked up Hannah and I followed him inside. After placing her on her play mat on the floor in the living room, he focused on starting the movie and then getting some popcorn. The strain between us pulled at me. His guilt was still there, the burn of it mixing with my own feelings that seemed so much clearer now. Mostly I hurt from the truth of his words, but there was anger underneath it. Anger that I had trusted him as a friend, more than a friend, and he had revealed me to everyone.

I took my shoes off and curled up on the corner of the couch, watching Hannah gnaw on her elephant. It was easier than watching Micah and wondering what he was thinking.