HealingPassion (5 page)

“She did not?”

“She did all in her power to get out of it. She begged,
pleaded, wept, moaned, even attempted to starve herself. That did not last
long. She had not the will to resist food for more than a day. She came to me
and begged me to run off with her, take her somewhere else, and make her my
wife.”

“You refused her, of course.”

He nodded. “I did.” He heaved a deep breath and let it out
slowly. “She continued to resist her duty and finally concocted a vile plan.”

Juliana wondered if she wanted to hear this. But she
suspected he talked of it too little, which perhaps kept the wound from
healing. And she felt privileged, in an odd way, to be the recipient of his
confidence. “What was it?”

“She attempted to seduce me, hoping, I suppose, that my
conscience would force me to marry her once I’d bedded her. When she was unable
to do that, she…I do not know exactly what she did. But she got herself
pregnant—not by me—and then told my family ‘twas I had done it.”

He shrugged. “What could I have in honor done then? I denied
it, but she had carefully arranged for witnesses to her attempts at seduction,
and some were cleverly set up. To all it appeared my guilt was certain. My
brother, Edwin, was devastated, of course, and my family furious with me.”

He sighed heavily. “I made all the apologies I could, and
explained as much as I was able. Then Margaret died in childbed, and I could
stay there no longer. Fortunately, I had friends in need of a strong arm in
battle and assistance in maintaining the peace of their lands.”

It wasn’t until he turned to look at her that Juliana
realized she’d stopped working on his hair and just held on tightly. Too
tightly, no doubt, but the devastating guilt twisted her stomach into a knot.

His compassionate tone felt like another knife driven into
her heart when he said, “My lady, be not so horrified on my behalf. ‘Tis long
past, now. I’ve tried to commit her to God’s mercy. Christ does enjoin us to
forgive those who have trespassed against as we wish forgiveness extended to
ourselves.” The tone changed to lightly ironic when he added, “I struggle with
it.”

Juliana released her hold on his hair as she tried to
collect her wits. “That was a truly terrible thing she did to you, though. To
betray you and her duty thus.” Her breath stuck in her throat and her heart
pounded too hard.

He put a gentle hand on her cheek. “My lady, I’m grateful
for your compassion and concern on my behalf, but take it not too much to your
heart. You have burdens enough already.”

She winced. Her conscience did indeed carry too many
burdens; how could she add to it the burden of betraying him again?

His fingers were warm on the skin of her face. Small
pinwheels of excitement rushed into her where he touched, settling in her
stomach. It was nearly unbearable, yet so pleasant and comforting at the same
time, she couldn’t bring herself to break the contact.

His breath caught as his hand moved against her cheek. His
palm brushed the skin and fingers threaded into her hair. His gaze caught hers
from a distance of only inches away. He watched her with so much intensity in
his blue eyes, she couldn’t bear the scrutiny and looked down. His chest was
magnificent, the skin sleek, the muscles shapely, and his flat brown nipples
just peering out of the mat of fine, blond hair.

It wasn’t a good idea, but she couldn’t resist putting a
hand out to feel it, stroking down the hard flesh, feeling its warmth, the
ridges, the way it rippled as he tensed.

They shouldn’t be doing this. She was betraying him all over
again. She shouldn’t be enjoying the feel of flesh against flesh so much. The
closeness not only set her senses ablaze, making the warmth sing in her blood,
but it found all the empty, lonely, emotionally starved crevices in her heart
and began to fill them in. Why could Groswick not have been more like this man,
with his sense of honor and compassion and kindness?

A strangled sob came from her throat.

“Hush,” he said, very gently, and leaned forward to kiss
her.

The pressure of his mouth against hers revealed an entire
new world of sensation. She’d never realized lips could feel so much. The
excitement of it stirred her blood, made it ripple and skip in her veins. It
was heat pouring into her.

When he opened his mouth and probed delicately with his
tongue, the jolt made her tighten all the way down to her toes. It was like
nothing she’d ever known before. He was like no other man she’d met. But they
shouldn’t be doing this. She shouldn’t be allowing it.

She opened her mouth to protest, but no sound came out. Instead
he recognized the invitation she might or might not have meant to issue and
inserted his tongue through the opening.

Her knees went weak and she clutched at his shoulders for
support. Fire spread through her, settling in her middle, then sinking lower.
She leaned against him, wanting nothing more than to be closer, even closer to
him. His tongue swiped over her teeth and stroked hers. Her deep groan didn’t
make it out. She wanted to draw him as deeply into herself as it was possible
to be.

As if her thoughts had communicated themselves to him, he
put an arm around her shoulders and his other hand behind her head to draw her
closer. His tongue withdrew for a moment and he nipped at her lips, then licked
across them to soothe the exciting little ache.

Strange noises came from her, something between a sob and a
pant. He kissed across her cheek to her ear, then down along her throat.
Wherever his lips touched the skin seemed to come alive, to tingle with the
thrill of it.

She put both hands flat against his chest and felt the
strong, rapid thudding of his heart. Her body shook with craving. She wanted
this more than anything she could remember. But it was wrong. “My lord,” she
said, the words half plea and half protest.

He drew a deep breath and released her. “My lady, forgive
me,” he said, reaching for her hand. He held it, stroking his palm over the
back of her hand. “I should not have done that. But you’re so very lovely and
desirable, and I’ve been long without a lady’s companionship. I do beg your forgiveness.”

“Nay, my lord, there is naught to forgive. The guilt is as
much mine. I, too, have been long without a man’s companionship, and in truth…”

“In truth?”

Did she have the right to say anything of Groswick’s
shortcomings? “In truth, this is unlike anything I’ve ever known. Lord Groswick
was not a man of great…patience.”

He studied her. “This is a question I may have no right to
ask, save that after…what just occurred between us, I would like to know. Have
you ever known a woman’s complete fulfillment, Lady Juliana?”

She shook her head. “I’m not sure what a woman’s complete
fulfillment might be. I don’t believe I’ve ever experienced it.”

He grinned. “If you don’t know, you haven’t.” The smile
faded, though he continued to study her. The soap was starting to dry in his
hair. “Juliana, you believe your husband is dead, do you not?”

She drew a deep breath and steadied herself. “Aye, I do.”

“Do you grieve for him?”

This was dangerous, but she owed it to him to be as honest
as she could. “Not much, my lord. I regret that it appears he is dead, and any
possibility of change is lost to him. I would not wish that. But… He was not…
We were not…” She didn’t know how to say it without sounding as though she
complained or blamed Groswick for what might be her failures.

“You did not have much sympathy for each other?”

“Aye. What he needed, I was unable to give him.”

“What was that?”

She smiled, though it felt hollow and empty. “If I’d known,
perhaps I could have found it for him.”

“True. And what of your needs?”

“What of them, my lord?”

“He did not try to satisfy your needs?

She shrugged. “It was not in his nature to understand such
things.”

“Or to try to understand.”

“Groswick was what he was.”

His smile held a level of understanding that made her heart
clench. Before the tears could start, she said, “Perhaps you’d best sit down
again, Sir Thomas, and allow me to rinse the soap out of your hair. You do not
wish it to dry in.”

“I’m sure I don’t,” he answered, while sinking back into the
water. He was quiet for some moments while she carefully rinsed his hair. When
she was done, he startled her by asking, “Has anyone ever assisted you in your
bath, Lady Juliana?”

“Nay, my lord. ‘Tis a task I can do for myself.”

“Ah, but ‘tis much more satisfying to have assistance.
Tomorrow night, arrange for the servants to bring the bath here again. But this
time, I’ll wash you.”

Chapter Five

After taking some food the next morning, Thomas ventured
outside the keep to talk to some of the workers in the shops and work spaces
around the bailey. Ralf had wandered into the great hall as he was finishing
his meal. Rather than be left behind, the squire grabbed an apple and came with
him.

“Talked to a couple of the maids last night,” Ralf reported.

Thomas raised an eyebrow at him. “Just talked?”

Ralf shrugged and grinned in a way that suggested more than
talk might have happened. The boy did have a way with ladies.

“Tried to get them to discuss Lord Groswick and how he left.
They were wary of talking of him, but I kept trying and eventually they let
loose a bit. ‘Tis peculiar, though. They said little, and when one started to
say something more, one of the others broke in with something inconsequential
and stopped her.”

The boy took a bite and chewed thoughtfully for a moment. “I
could almost swear one of them signaled the other to be quiet then, too. As
though there were something they shouldn’t be saying.”

“I should say ‘tis good to know they can practice some
discretion.”

“Aye, I suppose so, but ‘tis very strange, my lord.”

“How so?”

Ralf shrugged and spit out a seed. “In most keeps, there is
endless gossip about the nobles of the place. Every detail of their lives is
tossed about and discussed at great length. Here… Everyone will speak of the
lady and how sweet she is, and how she cares for all, and how well she manages
the keep and the demesne. None will talk of Lord Groswick. Should they start,
they’ll either catch themselves and stop or someone else will catch them and
divert the conversation. Three times yesterday it occurred.”

Thomas stopped and faced Ralf. “Aye, that is odd. Did you
get any feeling of why they wouldn’t speak of him?”

“Nay, my lord. It did seem that they feared him, perhaps.
But why should that be when he’s not here, and has not been for nigh onto a
year?”

“Why indeed?” Thomas asked the question of himself as much
as of Ralf. “I can think of any number of reasons, but cannot say I have any
reason to favor one over another.”

Ralf nodded. “Another thing. As I was entering the kitchen
yesterday, I overheard part of a conversation. I heard your name mentioned, so
I stopped where they couldn’t see me and listened.” He stopped and a wash of
color lit his cheeks. “I know ‘tis not very honorable to eavesdrop on others’
conversations, but in this instance, things were being said that would have
made it embarrassing both for myself and for those speaking should I have made
my presence known at that moment.”

Sir Thomas just raised an eyebrow at him.

“‘Twas some of your more interesting qualities they
discussed, my lord. It appears some here believe the Lady Juliana favors you.
One person commented that the lady looked at you in a certain way.” The boy
shrugged. “I know not what they meant by that, but they went on to talk of what
features of yours interested her.”

Thomas laughed at the boy’s expression. “Please spare me the
details. My pride needs no inflating.” Nor did he need reminding of just how
much the lady appealed to
him
. He couldn’t easily forget that kiss last
night and the way it set his body aflame, raging with need and desire.

“Aye. Or rather, nay!” Ralf colored again.

“Do not worry about it,” Thomas ordered. “What else was
said?”

They had to wait a moment, however, while a group of
laughing, shouting children nearly bowled them over as they ran toward a side
door of the keep, bearing baskets of fruit. Ralf waited until they’d passed
before he continued.

“The rest of it concerned how Lady Juliana had suffered much
and was deserving of some happiness. Some said they hoped she would find it
with you. Others objected, saying you were a danger to her and she’d be well
rid of you. But then someone reminded them that Lady Juliana had ordered you
were not to be harmed. Nor any of those with you.”

“Now that is interesting,” Thomas remarked.

“Aye. Unfortunately at that moment I heard someone
approaching, so I thought I’d best make some noise to warn them I approached,
and go in.”

Thomas nodded. “I’m pleased to hear she does not want us
harmed.” He wasn’t sure how much of the irony Ralf understood.

But at that moment, they stood before the door of the
smith’s workshop. A ringing, clanking sound from within suggested the smith was
at work. As soon as they entered, the noise grew to ear-numbing proportions and
heat assailed them from the red coals of three separate fires.

A tall, almost gangly man looked up from the anvil where he
hammered a piece of glowing iron into what looked like it would end up being a
hinge of some kind. Two boys, one no more than eight or nine, the other closer
to Ralf’s sixteen, scurried around, bringing wood and water and fetching tools
for the smith.

“Welcome, gentlemen,” the smith said. He had a deep, rough
voice, but his tone was pleasant. “Sir Thomas, is it not? And your squire. Do
come in. I’m Robert the Smith. What can I do for you?” His smile seemed open
and hearty enough, but wary caution lurked in his dark eyes.

“I have a pair of rings coming loose in my hauberk,” Thomas
told him. “I wondered if you’d have the time to repair it while I’m here?”

The man watched him steadily. “How long do you plan to be
with us, Sir Thomas?”

“Until the mission the king gave me is concluded. I plan for
a sennight or somewhat more.”

Robert nodded. “Bring it to me anon and I can repair it for
you.”

“You’re not over-busy right now then?”

“I stay moderately busy. But I have time to do work for
honored guests.”

“And I’m grateful for it. I suppose ‘tis quieter with Lord
Groswick away.”

The man’s eyes narrowed and his expression grew even warier.
“There is always work to be done. If it’s not swords, there are hinges,
buckles, ploughshares, hoes, a world of other tools to be forged.”

“No doubt. I understand Lady Juliana runs the household very
efficiently, so you would be kept busy keeping things in order.”

The smith nodded. “‘Tis so, my lord.”

“It must have been an added burden to you when Lord Groswick
was preparing to leave. No doubt there were many things to supply or repair.”

“Just so, my lord.”

Thomas turned to Ralf and asked him to fetch the hauberk and
show Robert where it needed repair. Ralf nodded and left.

“This year must have been very difficult for Lady Juliana.
With Lord Groswick gone, she’s had to bear a great deal of responsibility.”

“Aye, but she’s a strong lady for all her youth. And Lady
Ardsley has been a help, though the last few months she’s weakened. I fear she
will not last much longer. ‘Twill be a sad day for the lady when her mother
passes.”

Thomas recognized the diversion, but went with it, hoping he
could glean some useful information from it.

“She’ll truly be alone then. Has she no other family to help
her?”

“None that I know of, my lord.”

“That is sad. And she’s so very young still. Think you
she’ll marry again?”

The man watched him for a moment before he shrugged. “We do
not know with any certainty that Lord Groswick no longer lives. As to her plans
in either case, I cannot say. ‘Tis not for me to speculate.”

Thomas commended the man for his discretion and was annoyed
by it at the same time. He continued to question the man a while longer, but
was able to shake loose no further information. He bid the man good-day and
went to look for another source.

The next several buildings were barns and storehouses. He
found one groom in the barn, but the boy was slow-witted and no help at all.

Two doors down he found the cooper and his three
apprentices. All looked up from a large cask they were putting together when he
entered.

“Sir Thomas!” The master cooper was a large, paunchy, mostly
bald man with a booming voice. “Welcome to our workshop. I’m Stephen the
Cooper, this is Edward, Alwyn, and Gwynn.” He pointed to each of the three boys
who held gently curved staves in place while he bound them with some kind of
wire. “How can we serve you, my lord?”

He had no personal task for this group, so he went directly
to his purpose. “As you likely know, the king sent me to inquire as to the fate
of Lord Groswick. It grieves his majesty to know that one of his barons appears
to have disappeared from the earth.”

“Ah, no doubt,” the cooper said, though his tone belied the
words, suggesting some reservations on the question of whether the king was
concerned about this particular baron. “I doubt there’s much I can tell you
others haven’t, my lord. Lord Groswick left late last year, saying he was going
to join the Prince on the Continent. So far as I know, none here has seen or
heard from him since.”

Thomas questioned him for some time, but as predicted, he
heard nothing he hadn’t known before. The man was garrulous, however, and
Thomas spent over an hour with him, learning more than he’d ever wanted to know
of the cooper’s art, the weather, the crops, the other residents of the keep,
and the history of the building itself. None of it offered any help to him in
his mission, however.

He returned to the keep in mid-afternoon, intending to
question some of the household servants himself. He was beginning to feel the
need to learn more of Lord Groswick, his manner and habits. Perhaps in that he
could begin to get some sense of why the man had disappeared, or what might
have become of him.

However, as he passed Lady Juliana’s workroom, he looked in
and realized the lady was there, sitting at the desk, going over what appeared
to be a ledger book. She didn’t hear him, so he stopped in the doorway to
admire her. A few dark curls had escaped from the coronet under her veil and
spilled down her temples and around her ears. As she read over the lines on the
paper, she twirled one of those strands around her finger. He doubted she
realized she was doing it.

She looked incredibly young, sitting in the chair her late
husband would have filled better, doing work that should have been his. Yet she
was calm and at rest, clearly competent for this task. The line of her throat
described a lovely curve and the flesh there looked soft and ripe. He wanted to
go and kiss it until she moaned and begged for him. He wanted to lift the
burden of too much responsibility from her shoulders.

Juliana looked up suddenly and met his eyes. A welcoming
smile spread across her face as she called his name. “Sir Thomas! Come in,
please. I trust you had a restful night.”

His heart squeezed at the way his presence brightened her
expression. He took the chair opposite her. “Quite. Yourself?”

“I did, my lord.”

“I’m glad, as I had the advantage of a glorious bath and an
excellent head rub. Tonight we shall reverse that. You will be sure to order
the bath, my lady.”

“My lord, this—”

He stopped her by putting his finger across her lips. “Nay,
my lady. I’ll do nothing you object to, but I will return some of the comfort
you gave me.”

“But—”

He cupped her cheek with his hand. “Juliana, do you truly
believe Lord Groswick yet lives?”

She blinked at him, trying to hold back tears that made her
eyes shine. “Nay, my lord. He does not.”

“So I’m coming to believe. He is either dead, most likely on
some distant battlefield or victim of brigands somewhere between here and
there, or he is hiding and wants not to be found. I can think of no reason why
he should do so, nor has anyone here offered any reasons. Can you think of any?

She sighed. “Nay. He had enemies, of a certainty, but were
he to decide to hide out anywhere, ‘twould be right here, in this keep, where
he grew up, and where he knew he owned all in sight. That was greatly important
to him. So, as he is not here now, I do not believe it likely he ever will
return.” Her fingers threaded together into a tight knot and her breath caught
on a sob with the last word.

“Therefore you do not dishonor your marriage vows if you
find you feel some desire for myself.”

She gave him a wry and still slightly teary grin. “You
assume much, my lord, that you should think I feel something for you.”

“I do not assume, Juliana. I look in your face, in your
eyes, and I see the passion that lurks, that rouses when you look at me. I do
not think Lord Groswick ever roused that passion in you.”

She sucked in a sharp breath. Dismay flashed across her face
then was forcibly repressed. “Nay, my lord,” she said, softly, almost a
whisper. “He did not.”

He leaned forward, running a gentle finger across her soft,
full lips, watching the way her expression changed, her eyes darkening, her
mouth parting. “There is something building between us. Your have no husband
now, lady. You’re free to explore what comes to us.” Of course, he still had to
prove that, but he would. He would.

She closed her eyes, almost wincing in what appeared to be
pain. “Nay, my lord. I’m not free. I cannot be. There is more…there are things
you do not know. Cannot know. I’ll never be free. Not for you. Nor for any
man.”

“You still grieve?”

“Nay. Or rather, aye. I grieve. I grieve for many things.”

“‘Tis too early to look to the future for you?” He was
startled by the realization, but it wasn’t too early for him. In just a day or
so, this lovely lady had come to represent all he wanted in life. She was
warmth and love and home.

She leaned back. For a moment her eyes lost focus as though
she stared into that future. Her expression went bleak. When she looked at him
again, a yearning so deep and so intense it tugged at his heart flared in her
eyes. It didn’t last. She turned to stare out the window. “There are yet too many
things that remain to be settled before I can look to the future, my lord.”