Heart (18 page)

“Don’t ever touch me again,” I said, my voice filled with loud hatred.

“I mean it, Neve. Give in now. Make it easy on yourself.”

“I mean it, Garret. Give in now. Make it easy on yourself.” My parroted reply was enough to send him over the edge. His face became a contorted, ugly mask. And I was scared.

Scared enough to give me the energy to pull away from him and run.

Run.

Run into Mickey’s arms.

“You okay, babe?”

“Garrett… Garrett… me…” I couldn’t breathe, let alone make sense.

“Come here,” he said, leading me over to the wall. He leant me against it, rubbing my arms and telling me to breathe.

In. Out.

In. Out.

In.

Out.

“I’m okay now.” However, I was still trying to see if Garrett was around. Why hadn’t I trusted my instincts earlier? “Can we go?”

By the time I was back in bed, my body was exhausted but my brain wouldn’t still.

What if Garrett caught me alone next time?

What if Garrett wouldn’t take no?

What if…?

A couple of days at Bill’s house has restored my faith in human nature and confirmed that I need to sort things out with Mum. Last night, Bill had a chat with me about the future, once my apprenticeship is over, and the role he wants me to play in his business, maybe even take it over when he feels ready to retire. I’ve always worked as hard as I can for him, but now I’ve got a vested interest in growing the business.

The chat makes me feel like I can make plans now. I have a future. If I can manage for the next few months, I’ll be able to afford a flat when my apprenticeship ends. One that’s big enough for Grace and Josh if needed. I can’t stop myself thinking it will also give me space to be with Neve when she’s at home, even though she’s no longer mine. Before the daydream of me and Neve enjoying scenes of domestic bliss overtakes my sense or reason completely, my phone pings.

Grace:
Mum’s here without Jim

Me:
Stay with her. I’ll be there in 5 xx

Sophie hugs me when I excuse myself from dinner and I drive the familiar route home, rehearsing what I’m going to say. Unsure about whether I’m welcome, I knock the door.

“She’s in the kitchen. I told her you were on your way over. I think she’s glad.”

“Thanks, Grace. You’re—”

“A star. I know! Now, go sort things out. I miss you being around.” She hugs me before running upstairs. Taking a deep breath, I walk into the kitchen.

The first thing I notice is the mess.

The second thing I notice is the state Mum is in. Hunched over a coffee mug, her eyes are red rings. Her face looks old, like she’s gained a lifetime of wrinkles in the few days since I last saw her. As much as I feel she’s brought it on herself, I also feel guilty.

“Hi,” is my opener to gauge her mood. She looks at me, almost as if she’s surprised to see me. Needing something to do, I flick the kettle on and set about making a cup of tea. “Do you want one?” No reply.

Mug in hand, I go back to the table and sit across from her.

“Mum, we need to talk.” No reply. “Do you hear? We need to talk about what has happened. It can’t go on like this.” She looks at me as if I’m speaking a foreign language. “Mum? Shall I start?” I take her silence as agreement.

“I know how hard it’s been for you since Dad…
passed
. I can see that. But it’s been hard on us kids, as well. I’m amazed at how well Grace and Josh are doing, considering what they’ve been through. What we’ve all been through. But it’s really hard, watching you fall apart. Watching how some of these scumbags treat you.” I reach my hand across the table so that our fingertips are almost touching. “You deserve so much better than them. You deserve someone like Dad, who will love you and take care of you.” She doesn’t attempt to stop the tears which are streaming down her face. My fingers creep forward until they tangle with hers. “I love you, Mum, and I’m sorry if I’ve caused you hassle but I just want what’s best for all of us. What Dad would have wanted.” I’m unsure if my last comment is emotional blackmail but I have to be true to what I believe.

“You’re so much like him. It hurts to look at you sometimes,” she croaks. “The way you speak to Josh and Grace is exactly how he would speak to you. But it’s not just that. It’s everything: the way you walk, that look you get when you’re pissed off, even your smile. I look at you and I’m reminded of what I’ve lost.” She pulls one hand away to wipe at her tears.

I know I look like Dad. I can see it in photos. But I didn’t know I’m like him in all those other ways. Some kids would think it’s a nightmare, being compared to a parent like this. But I don’t. I’m proud to be like him. I
want
to be like him.

“Would it be easier if I wasn’t around?” I hesitantly suggest. Bill and Sophie have made it clear that the room is mine on a more permanent basis, if needed. It wouldn’t help with Grace and Josh, but if Mum is happier without me, maybe that wouldn’t be so much of an issue.

“God, no, I’m not saying that. I’ve hated these last few days. Even if I don’t see you, I like knowing you’re here. You’re my baby, Jake. My six-foot, built-like-a-commando baby. I don’t want to lose you, as well.” We’re both crying and playing with each other’s fingers. I want to get up and hug her, be hugged, but I know I’ve got to get to the bottom of the problems.

“So why, Mum? Why these guys who treat you like shit? Who treat
us
like shit?”

“I’m lonely.” Her justification makes me angry.

“It’s not about being lonely. You have us three! You had friends who you’ve let go. These blokes have driven away everyone in your life.
They
have made you lonely!”

“It’s not about that. It’s, you know, I need a man—”

“Bloody hell, Mum, then get yourself a dildo!” Her face tells me I may have gone too far. “I’m sorry. It’s just they’re all so vile. So unlike Dad.” And there is my issue with everyone she has been with since him. They’re not him.

“That’s why, Jake. Don’t you get it? There will never be anyone like him. I don’t want anyone else like him.” I’m blown away by her words. Her honesty.

“I get that, Mum, I honestly do. But you’ve got to have some self-respect. You deserve better.
We
deserve better. I don’t want you to spend your life alone, pining for Dad. I might have done a few years ago, I admit, but I want you to be happy. And you can’t tell me that you’re happy. Not with Jim.” There is a moment where I think I’ve finally got through to her, that she will let me help her sort her life out.

“What are you saying? I’ve got to get rid of him? You can’t go issuing ultimatums, you know. You’re not in charge here. I am.” Reluctant to end the discussion in an argument that sees me leave, for who knows how long this time, I relent a little.

“No, I’m just saying I love you and I worry about you.” I take a deep breath. “And I want to come back home. This is your house, Mum, not his. Please, say I can come back.” I know I’ll beg if I have to. It’s not just about Grace and Josh. It’s also about Mum. Maybe, if I’m around more, I can help her to see the light. Help her live again.

“You’ll need to apologise to him first.”
What the hell
? But then I view it as a test. This will prove how much I love her, love Josh and Grace. And prove to Dickhead that I’m the bigger, the better, man.

“All right. Does it have to be in person?”

“What?”

“Well, can I send a text? Write him a note?” Maybe he can’t read. I wouldn’t be surprised. “When is he back?”

“He’s not here tonight. I’ll send him a text telling him the next one’s going to come from you.” She picks up her phone and taps out her message before handing it over to me.

Jake wants to come back. PLEASE let him. He’s going to text u now x

Reading her words gives me the extra encouragement I need to do what I don’t really want to do.

Sorry for hitting you. Was having a bad day. Won’t happen again.

“Do I need to wait for permission from him or can I get my stuff?” For the first time in ages, my loaded question is answered with a confident voice.

“No, we don’t need his permission. You’ve done your part. And, like you said, this is my house. Go and get your stuff. I’ve got a pizza in the freezer, if you want it?”

“That will be great. Thanks.” I walk over and hug her. The strength of the hug she returns, and the way her arms stroke my back, bring tears back to the surface.

I leave to pick up my things from Bill’s, hopeful that things will get better.

Well, as good as they can get without Neve in my life.

Good?

Less bad?

Less empty?

Less.

Neve-less.

I woke up¸ pinned to the wall by Mickey’s not-so-small body. The intimate cosiness of sharing the single bed with Jake was just bloody uncomfortable with Mickey in there instead. Creeping my body along the wall was enough to stir him and he jumped up, almost giving me a black eye in the process.

“Where? What? Umm?” Mickey wasn’t a morning person, that was clear. His blinking eyes and confused face made him look like a mole, disturbed from his underground home.

“You stayed over, remember? After Seventh Heaven? After Garrett…” Mickey hadn’t had much choice about staying over, seeing as I begged him not to leave me, paranoid and alone. He reached out a hand and smoothed my hair.

“Oh, yeah. How are you this morning?” I didn’t know how to put it into words. Scared. Worried. Pissed off. All of the above?

“Glad I’m going home for the weekend. I need some space away from all things Garrett.”

“I know, honeybun. But I’m going to miss you.” His face twisted into the sad, pouty look of a five-year-old trying to get more sweets and I couldn’t help but laugh. “What time is your train?”

As I’d been feeling stronger, I’d told Mum and Dad that I could get the train home to save them the long return journey. Now I was faced with several hours of sitting still, trying not to think about what had happened last night.

“Two-thirty. And I’ve still got to pack before my class at eleven.” I got off the bed and stretched, feeling the pleasant ache of last night’s dancing. Looking at my arm, I could see the not-so-pleasant bruise from where Garrett had grabbed me.

“Let me help and I’ll leave with you. It’ll save me the walk of shame!”

Glad Mickey wasn’t insisting on a post-mortem of the night before, I threw a bag at him and started selecting the clothes I was going to take home with me.

By the time I was on the train to Birmingham, I had decided to email my personal tutor and ask to transfer out of any non-core classes I shared with Garrett. I preferred the American Studies part of my degree, ironic as that was, and was sure I could pick up credits on that part of my course. I was also going to arm myself with an attack alarm, just in case. I was not going to let him bully me into leaving.

Decisions made, I took a bag of Minstrels from my bag and opened up my Kindle. The next couple of hours were spent completely Garrett-free in the world of Sky and Holder. Heaven.

I got off the train and went to find the departures board to see where my connection was leaving from. Stood underneath the monitor were Cass and Flynn, huge grins plastered on their faces.

“Surprise!” Of course, the hugs I got from them both were enough to make me cry and, bags now in Flynn’s hands, we made our way to the car park.

“We’re driving home anyway, so I thought we’d surprise you.” God, I missed Cass. Even though we still spoke regularly, it just wasn’t the same as being with her. Face to face.

“I’ve missed you so bloody much,” I said, gripping her arm tightly.

“We’ve missed you, too. But we’ve now got a whole weekend together, haven’t we?”

Cass sat with me in the back of Flynn’s car for the journey home and I brought her up to date with everything other than Garrett. I didn’t want to tell her about what had happened in front of Flynn and knew there would be plenty of time for that later. We dropped Cass off at her house with the promise of spending time together the following day. I moved to the front seat and played around with the stereo, eventually finding something decent on the radio.