Heart (20 page)

“Shit, Grace, that’s deep. Where did that come from? Please don’t tell me
you’re
in love?” My fists tighten at the thought of some fuckwit touching her. Ruining her.

“Nah, I just read a lot. It’s amazing what you can learn from books, you know? You should try it sometime.” Her playful dig lightens the mood a little, giving me the confidence to ask the dreaded question.

“Should I say yes, then?” After what she just said about breathing, I’m happier to put my fate in the hands of my kid sister. I might as well, after the mess I’ve made of things so far. And, worryingly, she seems to know a lot more about love than I do.

“Of course, nuthead. But then you’ve got to listen. You took away any say, any
choice
she had when you pulled that stunt. If you want to get her back, you’ve got to prove to her that you won’t do that again.” She pauses dramatically, relishing the moment of power she has over me. “Honestly? I’m amazed she’s got in touch. I don’t know if I would give you another chance. She must really love you, I guess.” I know Grace is right. I’d given up believing that my future would ever involve Neve again. This chance to build my dreams around her, with her, again is too tempting. I’ve run out of self-control.

“Flynn said to ring her when I saw him last week,” I admitted.

“Well, why the hell haven’t you? If he’s forgiven you, that’s all you need to know. Go on, ring her. Now!” She’s out the door before the words have finished leaving her mouth.

I can’t ring Neve here: Mum and Dickhead could surface at any time. I go to the only sanctuary I have: the park, thankful to be the only person mad enough to be parked here in the rain.

I sit behind the wheel, phone in hand, trying to believe I have the guts to do this. I walked to the cliff edge before and refused to jump. And regretted it.

I’m being given a second chance here and I’m not going to make the same mistake twice. Maybe it will all end messily, my body broken on the rocks below, but even that would be better than knowing I didn’t have the balls to do it.

To love her.

To give her my heart.

I jumped more than the phone did as it vibrated across the desk. I didn’t need to look at the screen to know who was calling, but Cass’s cheer, followed by her prompt departure, closing the door behind her, was confirmation.

Jake.

Jake.

Knowing my voicemail would kick in if I didn’t get my guts in gear and touch the screen, I picked the phone up. One swipe of a finger and hope spontaneously combusted inside of me, its flames consuming me from the inside out. I was on fire. Alight.

“Hi,” was all I could manage and even that sounded shaky.

“Hi,” was all he could manage and he sounded even shakier.
God, that boy.
One syllable and I was a molten mess puddled on my bed. I didn’t know what else to say. All I wanted was to crawl into his arms and lie there forever. But I was the one who had suggested the call. Well, Cass was.

“Thanks for ringing.” Despite all of the planning, I just hadn’t got the words to say how much it meant.

“Umm, that’s okay. Thanks for texting.” Cue the mother of all awkward pauses. “You okay?”

“Yes, thanks. You?”
Shit
. Maybe things weren’t going to return to normal, if the awkwardness was anything to go by. I couldn’t remember one point of the plan, let alone six.

“Yeah. No. Glad to have got your message.” I heard him sigh. “God, this is awful.” In the pause that followed, I wondered if he was sat there, regretting returning the call. “Neve, I can’t do this on the phone. When are you back home next? I’d rather talk face to face. If that’s okay with you, of course.” The tremble of his voice belied his nerves, his worry, his love. That was all I needed: to know he still loved me.

“I’m home now,” I whispered, holding my breath. “When can I see you?” My pride turned to dust. I didn’t care about being hard to get. I wanted—no, needed—to see him. Sod the action plan. I didn’t need six steps. I needed
him
.
Now
.

“Anytime. Later? Now? Just tell me when. Please.
Please
.” My heart disintegrated with the waver in his voice. I wanted to tell him it was okay, that we were okay. Better than okay. Together.

“Where are you?”

“The park. Where are you?”
The park!
I ran out of my room and straight out the front door, phone still clutched in my hand, vaguely hearing Cass shout after me. Vaguely realising it was raining.

But none of that mattered.

Rounding the corner, I could see Jake’s van parked in our usual spot. I paused, wiped the wet tendrils of hair out of my eyes and allowed myself exactly one second to catch my breath.

“Neve? Neve? Myrtle?” His voice was strange. Tinny. And coming from my hand. I hadn’t even ended the call before running out.

“Yes. I’m here.”

“Thank God for that! Where did you go?” Did he think I was bailing on him?

“Get out of the car, Jake.”

“What?”

“Get out of the god-damn car!” I walked slowly, savouring the exact moment when he saw me. And ran toward me. And picked me up, kissing every inch of my face, rivulets of rain joining us. Binding us.

I couldn’t tell where my tears ended and the smile began. It was all one and the same.

I was home.

“Let’s get in the van. You’re soaked,” he said, arms completely enclosing me. “You’ll catch a cold.” Leading me by the hand, he ran us both over to the van. Holding the passenger door open, he shielded me as I got in but I couldn’t let go of his hand. I couldn’t break the contact. It was still too new, too precious.

“Get in with me,” I said, raising myself so he could sit in the seat before I lowered myself to his lap. I nestled myself under his chin, his arms wrapped around me, feeling his combined warmth and hardness surround me. “Thank you for answering.” It seemed such a trivial statement, considering the joy his reply had brought me.

“God, how can you sit there and thank me?” Jake shifted so he could look at me. “Fuck, Neve, if you’ve felt even a fraction of the pain I’ve felt over these weeks, I could never forgive myself for causing that. I’m so sorry, so, so sorry.” He hung his head and I wanted to cry for the pain he was still experiencing.

“Look at me,” I demanded, tangling my hands in his hair and raising his head. “I know why you did it. I think you were wrong, but you did it for what you thought were the right reasons. I know how important Josh and Grace are to you and how you’ve got to keep the promise you made to your dad.” Still gripping his head in my hands, I kissed him slowly. I wanted, needed to have my say. Maybe I was saying it too soon, maybe I was rushing things, but I couldn’t leave it unsaid.

“But you’ve also got to live your own life. You were a twelve-year-old boy when you made that promise, and you’ve done an amazing job of keeping the family together. But they’re growing up now and you’ve got to let yourself do the same. That one promise can’t dictate
our
future. I want Grace and Josh to be a part of our lives, but we also need a life beyond them.
You
need a life beyond them.” I kissed him again, applying a little more pressure this time, trying to distract him from the fear I could see in his eyes. “There are no guarantees in life, Jake. All we can do is make the best of what we have and try not to let the good things go.” Kiss. Kiss. Kiss.

“I still don’t get why you’re not making me beg on my hands and knees right now. I fucked up. Big time. Yet here you are, kissing me and telling me it’s going to be okay. You’re messing with my mind, Myrtle. I hurt you.
Really
hurt you. Why aren’t you going mad at me?” The sincerity in his eyes was all the apology I needed. For now. In the longer term, it would take time to rebuild my trust, and his faith, in our relationship. But I couldn’t hold back, restrain myself. I had to let my heart rule my head.

“It’s like that saying: what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. That’s us now. We’re both still here, alive,” I said, holding his hand over my heart. “And we
will
be stronger because of this. Now I know how much it hurts to lose you, and I will fight to the death to not have to go through that again. And I will personally turn you into a girl with the aid of just a pair of blunt scissors if you are the one putting me through it. Understood?”

“Yes, Boss,” he replied before pulling me into him. Gently wiping away the remnants of my tears with his callused thumbs, he looked at me. Into me. “I love you, Myrtle. And I promise I will never,
ever
do anything to hurt you again. On my life.”

His mouth descended to mine and landed with a surprising softness. His lips closed on mine and I heard, as well as felt, him inhale. My lips were subjected to a rain of light kisses before he paused and ran his tongue along my lower lip. I shuddered, anticipation just about giving me the self-control not to stick my own tongue straight in his mouth. He pulled my lip in, nipping at the tender skin before releasing it and gently kissing it back into place. At the moment when I wondered if he was going to kiss me properly or not, the pressure on my mouth increased and his tongue made its way into my mouth, deepening the kiss and the mood with every movement.

One of Jake’s hands cupped my breast through my damp top and he brushed his thumb over its peak, causing a sharp intake of breath. Squirming on his lap, I could feel he was as turned on as me and I looked around. The van windows were misted with condensation but I could just about see that the car park was still deserted.

I pulled back from the kiss with a muttered “Hang on,” and manoeuvred myself to a half-standing position. Despite the quizzical look on his face, Jake still took advantage of the opportunity to push both hands beneath my top and cup my breasts through the thin material of my bra. I swatted his hands away so I could move in the confined space. Thankful I had opted for yoga pants instead of skinny jeans that morning, I shimmied them over my hips and kicked them off. I pulled my damp top over my head, leaving me in just my plain black cotton underwear, Jake’s smile giving me the confidence that more seductive underwear might have helped with.

I leant down and started to unzip his jeans when his hand stopped mine. Surprised, I looked up.

“I don’t want to rush things. I want us to take our time. Get to know each other again,” were the earnest words which fell from his smiling mouth.
Really
?

“Jake, that sounds really sweet, and I really appreciate the romance and all, but I want you.
Now
. And I sure as hell can feel that you want me, too,” I added, gripping him through his jeans.

“I’m being serious. I don’t want to,
you know
, here, in my van, in a car park. Okay? I’m not saying stop completely. But I
am
saying I don’t want
that
. Not here.” But he did move his hand and let me finish unzipping him, releasing him from his jeans. I smiled in victory.

“Okay.” I straddled him and pulled his head down to mine. The soft romance of the earlier kissing was replaced by a heated battle for dominance as our mouths met once more. My hips involuntarily moved back and forth, coaxing the hard fullness I could feel between my legs. God, it felt good.

Too good, apparently. His hands gripped my waist, forcing me to sit still before moving higher to lower the cups of my bra. As he took the tip of one of my breasts in his mouth, my back arched and I felt the burning pins and needles start to weave through my veins. One of his hands gripped my waist tightly, giving me no choice but to stay still and surrender as its mate made its way into my knickers.

This was the Jake I longed for, not the softly-apologising version. I was completely at the mercy of his mouth and hands and I loved it.

His hold loosened enough for me to start rocking in time with his hand, pressing myself closer and closer onto him, feeling all of him though the cotton of my knickers, willing the barrier to disappear.

“Remember what I said. Not here, not now,” Jake whispered against my skin, his fingers moving lower, deeper. As I felt the familiar tidal wave creeping up on me, I was determined to take him with me and moved my own hand between us, playing with him for our mutual benefit.

The wave subsumed us both, drowning us in breathless cries of each other’s names. As it abandoned us to its aftermath, I felt Jake’s heartbeat gradually slow beneath my fingertips, the pulse echoing my own.

We were alive again.