Heartless (Keeping Secrets) (8 page)

“What the fuck did you do to Jason, Cade?” Kevin demanded. He was going to get pissed quick. He usually did when it came to stuff about me. I was his little brother. He was my knight. But where was my hero?

I couldn’t even contemplate seeing Tommy today. I was going to break it off with him. I had to. I was unclean, dirty in a way that would sully everything between us. It didn’t matter that I wanted to turn over a new leaf. That just wasn’t me. I was heartless, and I would forever be heartless.

“Cade? You better fucking tell me!” Kevin was all but shouting now, drawing the attention of several of the early students as they milled around before first bell. I stopped suddenly, and they nearly stumbled into me. There he was.

Tommy and Danny were headed right toward me, and I was like a deer caught in headlights. Danny waved, and I managed to raise my hand in greeting. Kevin fell silent and glared at the cringing Cade beside me. Tommy glared at Cade too.

“You need to get the hell away from him,
now
,” Tommy snapped. Cade did as commanded and took off like a pistol shot. Funny. How come I hadn’t thought of that? Tommy leaned down and pressed a kiss to my cheek, garnering us several more looks from passersby. The rumor mill would be churning by the end of first period. The Erwin High man-whore was off the market.

“Hey, baby,” Tommy greeted me, putting an arm around my shoulders. He squeezed and I couldn’t help but yelp. He turned a concerned gaze on me. I felt like throwing up.

I ignored the puzzled looks I was getting and addressed Kevin. “Me and Tommy boy decided to make a go of it,” I said, shrugging off the arm and lacing our fingers instead. Holding hands didn’t hurt.

Kevin nodded. “Good for you.” He was staring right through me, and I knew if I didn’t get out of here, I was going to be confessing before lunchtime.

“Congratulations,” Danny said. He didn’t seem too bummed about me standing him up to plan our date. That was good. I didn’t want any family tension. I looked up at Tommy’s perfect face. How was I ever going to break it off with him? He knew all my games, all my tricks. He knew me like no one but Kevin did. Funny how he’d managed to get under my skin and through my bullshit in such a short period of time. I needed to get out of here.

“I’m not feeling so good,” I said after a ten-second pause. “I think I’m just going to head home.”

“Let me drive you,” Kevin and Tommy said in unison.

“No thanks. I don’t think I’m going home right away.” I dropped Tommy’s hand and waved at Kev. “I’ll see you guys later.” I shuffled toward the parking lot. Both of them caught up with me at the same time.

“You want to go to my house?” Kevin asked. I paused. There was a thought.

“Is Tina going to be there?” I asked.

Kev shook his head. “Nah. She’s got Pilates and then some chick-lunch thing that she goes to with her girlfriends until after four. We can just chill in my rooms.”

“I want to come too,” Tommy said. I forced a chuckle out.

“You know, the whole point of going was so that I could get some sleep. I didn’t sleep well last night.” Translation: at all.

“We won’t bug you,” Kev vowed. Tommy nodded in agreement. Great. Now they were ganging up on me.

“I really want to be alone,” I said. I meant that. I absolutely did not want to be around anyone right now. My brain was fried.

“We’ll leave you alone for as long as you want,” Tommy promised. Crap. Now I wouldn’t have any choice. I nodded tiredly, too exhausted to argue.

I
ENDED
up riding with Tommy in case he got lost as he followed Kevin. I sat in the passenger seat and curled into myself. I just wanted to sleep. Correction, I wanted to sleep next to Tommy in bed and pretend that large parts of yesterday had never happened. I watched as my gorgeous new boyfriend opened and closed his mouth several times before deciding that I wasn’t ready to talk. At least the boy was smart for a jock.

“I love you,” I said, leaning my forehead against the cool plate of the window. It was too early in this thing we called a relationship to be having to deal with my fucked-up baggage, so I would spare him what I could. We hadn’t even decided if our relationship could survive high school. Forget whether it could survive the other stuff outside Erwin’s hallowed halls of learning.

“I love you too, J.”

I realized it was too soon to be repeating the words to each other in every conversation we had, but seventeen seemed old enough to make those sorts of decisions, and falling in love was as easy as falling down on ice. I wasn’t entirely secure in “us” yet, but I knew that we could head into fairly devoted territory very quickly.

“I shouldn’t be dating you,” I said. I hadn’t meant to say it out loud, I swear. It was like I had a puppeteer and he’d shoved his hand up my ass to move my mouth. We weren’t far from Kevin’s house, and we wouldn’t have much time to really talk.

He gripped the steering wheel until his knuckles whitened. “What happened between yesterday and today that has you so strung out? You were happy to date me yesterday. What happened after you went home?”

“Nothing. I just started thinking about it. This really won’t work long term. I mean, you’re you and I’m me, and we come from two different worlds.” The sentence probably made zero sense to him, but it made 100 percent sense to me.

“What the fuck is wrong with you? You tell me you love me and then try and break up with me. What is that?” His jaw developed an angry tick.

“I’ve fucked a lot of people,” I said flatly. “I’m cruel, deliberately so, most of the time, and I have no clue how to have a healthy relationship.”

“We can work through that.”

“I’m a slut,” I admitted. “I’ll spread for anyone.”

“Not anymore,” he said confidently. “You promised me that you wouldn’t see anyone else.” It was like it didn’t even occur to him that I’d cheat on him. But I had cheated on him already, hadn’t I? Did it count if you didn’t want it to happen? “We can do this.”

“Can we?” I asked. “Because I don’t think you can handle this.” I meant so much more than I projected. “This” encompassed a lot more than just my attitude and my messed-up morality compass.

“Jason, I can handle whatever you have going on. You’ve just got to let me in.” The anger seemed to drain out of him as I watched, leaving him tired. “I want this to work.” I’d actually made myself believe for a brief moment that I could have something with Tommy. Jonathan had reminded me that I didn’t have a life to give him.

“My stepdad fucks me.” I don’t know what possessed me to say it. Maybe I wanted to shock him. He nearly hit another car.

“What?”

I made sure I was in my insulated bubble of I-Don’t-Give-A-Shit when I spoke next. “Yeah. He’s been doing it since I came out. He figured since I was gay, I’d like it. Sick, huh?”

“Jason, you were thirteen when you came out.”

No shit
, I thought. “He didn’t care.” I tried really hard to remain as aloof as possible. “That’s why we can’t date. I’m so dirty, Tommy. I am fucking disgusting.” I swallowed. “Don’t even bother giving me the whole ‘it’s not your fault’ speech because I’ve heard it before from Kevin.” I made myself as small as possible in my seat beside him. “So now you know all my dirty little secrets.” At least he wouldn’t go into this with his blinders on. I wouldn’t let him. Now he knew everything. As much as I was relieved to get it all off my chest, I waited for the hammer to fall.

“It isn’t your fault, baby,” he said at long last. “Kevin’s right.” He swallowed as we pulled onto Biltmore Avenue. “I love you and I’ll find a way to fix this.”

I was so incredibly tired. “You can’t fix this.” He didn’t bother to argue. There was no point. We pulled in behind Kevin’s car, and he cut the engine.

“I still love you, Jason.”

Chapter Eight

K
EVIN
stood on the sidewalk next to the house and took one look at Tommy’s face before he spoke. “He told you.” He looked surprised. His gaze shot to me, taking in my blank expression.

I shrugged. “He needed to know what he was getting into.” Kevin knew I’d never told anyone else. He knew better than anyone what that meant. It was the equivalent of me getting on my knees and offering Tommy something that didn’t involve my mouth for once.

“It’s a little early for that,” Kevin said. Logically I knew he was right. We’d only started dating yesterday, but we’d been emotionally involved for longer than that, even if it was from afar. It felt right and I was too reckless and too tired of fighting it to give a damn.

He looked at Tommy and his face turned to granite. “You hurt him like you did before, and I will bury you.”

Tommy took my hand and gave it a squeeze. “I won’t.” My heart did that little flutter thing that you always read about in books but never actually experience in real life. Whatever he saw in Tommy’s face must’ve reassured him, because he nodded and headed to the front door. We followed after him.

He unlocked the door and hit the keypad. I looked over at Tommy, and I felt the place where our bodies were joined. The laced fingers seemed to connect more than tendons, bones, and skin. We were bound together by something so much deeper than that. At least I felt that way.

We went up to Kevin’s rooms, and I could tell that Tommy was impressed with his setup. He was wide-eyed as he took in the décor and the equipment. Kev’s cell started ringing as he gave Tommy the grand tour. He fished it out of his pocket and looked at the number. Without preamble he flipped open the phone. There was only one person who he answered regularly.

“Angelina,” I told Tommy as Kevin’s face glazed over in the same goofy expression it had gotten ever since he’d first laid eyes on her in sixth grade.

“Hi, babe,” he greeted her. He paused while she spoke. “Yeah, I’m with J and his boyfriend. I’ll come pick you up this afternoon. I love you.” He hung up the phone. He looked at me and then at Tommy. “So which one of you is going to tell me what is going on?”

I went to the sectional and sat down. It hurt, but I managed to keep my expression blank for the most part. It wasn’t agony. I was just sore. Tommy told Kev about Cade, and I let them think that that was really what I was upset about. Kevin got pissed, predictably, and threatened to kick Cade’s ass. Tommy reassured him that he’d already done that, and I sat there and pretended that was really what had gotten me in a funk.

“I’m going to go take a nap,” I announced, standing up as Kevin and Tommy chatted about which orifice Cade’s head could and couldn’t fit into. They gave me twin looks of concern.

“You want me to come with?” Tommy asked immediately. I did. I didn’t want to say so though.

“If you want.” He stood and followed me to my room.

T
OMMY
didn’t demand anything. He just held me. It was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for me. I relinquished my shoes and socks but nothing else. He didn’t comment on my modesty. I didn’t offer an explanation. We lay on top of the bedspread, and he wrapped his arms around me. It was all the covers I needed. I fell right off to sleep without any difficulty at all.

I don’t know how long I slept. I do know that I woke up in the middle of a nightmare. I wasn’t sure what I’d been dreaming, but I woke up swinging. Again and again I pounded the mountain of flesh that was holding me. Distantly I realized that someone was screaming. It didn’t take a genius to figure out it was me.

Call it trauma. Call it the stress of my life finally catching up with me. Call it the last straw. But I was so caught up in the nightmare I didn’t stop swinging until Kevin pulled me off of Tommy. Luckily there hadn’t been much room between the two of us, so I couldn’t get in a full swing, especially since he was holding me so close. Kevin wrapped his arms around me from behind, pulling me off my boyfriend. He put me in a stranglehold, sat down on the floor with me between his knees, and held on until the fight went out of me.

“Easy, Jason. Easy!” Kevin shouted at me as I flailed. My heart was pounding so hard I thought I was having a heart attack. I stopped struggling once I recognized the voice and once it became very difficult to breathe.

“Sorry,” I muttered.

“It’s okay, man,” Kev said. He looked over my head at Tommy, who had pushed himself up to a sitting position. “You okay, Tommy?”

“Yeah. Fine. Just surprised me, was all.” He still sounded groggy. Poor guy. “Jason? Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” I tapped Kevin’s thigh. “Let me up, big guy.” He did. Reluctantly. I rolled over and got on my knees so I could pull myself up onto the bed. I was sweaty and uncomfortable. Apparently adrenaline came with heat. Who knew? Without thinking, I pulled off my sweatshirt and went into Tommy’s open arms. I almost missed the sharp intake of breath that followed immediately after.

“Did Cade do all that?” Kevin asked. It took me a minute to realize what he was talking about. I looked down at my arms and the mottled gray and blue that decorated the flesh there. I wrapped both arms around Tommy to hide them.

“Yeah,” Tommy answered for me. I was grateful. I didn’t feel like talking for once. The entire day had been one weird dream for me. Where were my snappy comebacks? Where were my awesome one-liners? Where was Jason? I felt a thread of panic at the thought that I had lost myself some time between yesterday and today. “Can you give us a second, Kev?” I hid my face in Tommy’s neck until I heard the door close.

“You want to tell me who gave you the rest of these?” Tommy’s gentle fingers trailed up my arm. He had known where Cade had bruised me from yesterday. I was grateful that he hadn’t said anything in front of Kev. My big-ass football star would’ve flipped.

“Jonathan.” I choked on the word. It felt dirty on my tongue.

“Your stepdad?” he asked. I nodded, looking anywhere but at him. The guest bed duvet had been replaced recently to an ugly floral print. The one Tina had bought me must’ve been in the wash. “Jason, you need to tell someone.”

“They’ll take me away from you.” It was a new fear of mine, one that overwhelmed all others.