Hearts Made Whole (28 page)

The night seemed eternal. But even so, Caroline still wasn't ready for it to end at the first hint of dawn.

On the one hand, she felt a measure of pride that Ryan had completed all the duties flawlessly during the night, that she hadn't needed to go up to help him. On the other hand, she wasn't ready to face the new day and all that it would bring.

In the darkness she slipped into her clothes, the coldness of the unheated bedroom filtering into her flesh all the way to her bones. Rubbing her arms through her thick knitted shawl, she tiptoed down the hallway past Sarah's closed door.

She tried not to think about the fact that this was Tessa's last night sleeping with Sarah, that from now on she'd share the bed with Ryan, that he'd wrap his arms around Tessa and bestow upon her his passionate kisses.

And she tried not to think about the fact that this was her final night staying at the lighthouse. The last night she'd be able to call it home. In a few hours she'd leave, and if she ever returned, she'd do so as a guest.

As she stepped into the dark kitchen, she was surprised to find a yellow glow already fanned to life in the stove.

“Caroline.”

She jumped at the soft murmur that came from the table, followed by sniffling.

Through the dimness she saw Tessa's hunched form.

“Tessa?” Caroline whispered in surprise. “Why are you up so early?”

“I couldn't sleep.” Tessa's tone was laced with misery.

“I couldn't sleep much either,” she admitted. “Change is never easy. Not for any of us.”

Tessa sniffled louder.

Caroline reached for the back of the nearest chair, unsure if she should go to Tessa and comfort her or pretend she didn't hear her crying. For a long moment, silence stretched between them.

“I'm sorry for getting upset at you last night,” Caroline finally said. And once her words were out, a weight lifted from her chest. No matter that her relationship with Tessa was strained, at least she could try to part ways in peace. “I shouldn't have gotten angry with you—”

“You had every right to be angry with me,” Tessa said, cutting her off. “I'm a horrible person!” With the declaration echoing
in the quiet of the kitchen, Tessa buried her face in her hands and erupted into heartrending sobs.

Caroline knew she couldn't ignore the crying any longer. She rounded the table and didn't hesitate to put her arms around Tessa and draw her into an embrace.

Tessa held herself unyielding only an instant before collapsing against Caroline and sobbing harder.

“Shhh . . .” Caroline murmured, pressing a kiss against Tessa's wavy hair. “Everything will be all right.”

“It won't be all right!” Tessa wailed into Caroline's shoulder.

Caroline hugged her sister tighter and rubbed her back in an effort to soothe her, just as she'd done when Tessa was little.

“You're just frightened,” Caroline whispered. “Every girl has jitters on her wedding day. It's normal.”

“I'm not frightened.” Tessa pulled back and wiped at her cheeks and nose with her sleeve. “I just hate myself.”

“Hate?” Caroline smoothed Tessa's hair. “That's a strong word.”

“And you'll hate me too—”

“I could never hate you.”

“You will once you find out what I did.”

Fresh dread pummeled Caroline, and her muscles strained to pull away from Tessa. But she also needed to stand by her word. She'd promised Tessa that she would never hate her. How could she prove it if she distanced herself at the first hint of bad news?

Tessa sniffled again, then said, “I lied, Caroline.”

“About what?”

“About sleeping with Ryan.”

Caroline froze. She wasn't sure that she'd heard Tessa
correctly. She reached for her sister and gripped her arms. “Tell me everything.”

“I didn't want him to marry you. I wanted him to marry me instead,” Tessa sobbed bitterly. “So I ground up extra pain pills and put it in his birchbark tea after dinner. And then when he started to get groggy, I was the one who pulled out the bottle of whiskey. I was the one who helped him get drunk.”

For a long time, Caroline was speechless, a mix of emotions running through her. “Then he didn't get drunk on his own?”

Tessa shook her head. “I kept refilling his glass. When he complained of being tired, I told him I'd help him to bed.”

Caroline held her breath, hardly daring to believe what she was hearing. Ryan wasn't at fault. Tessa had been the one to get him drunk.

“Once he was in bed, he fell right to sleep.”

“So you didn't share intimacies?” Just speaking the word made Caroline flush.

“I wanted to make it seem like we did, so I undressed us both.” Tessa's voice was small like that of a child. “And then I crawled in next to him.”

“And you did nothing more than share the bed?”

“No. He was asleep the second his head hit the pillow, and he didn't wake up until you came in the next morning.”

Caroline struggled to absorb the news. She wasn't sure if she should be excited or angry.

By the faint glow of the fire in the stove, Tessa's face was pinched and pale. “He didn't so much as touch me the entire night.”

Caroline stood back and folded her arms across her chest. Did this mean that Ryan was free of any obligation to Tessa? She had the sinking feeling that he'd still insist on marrying
Tessa to keep from tainting her reputation. Even if nothing had happened between them, they'd still been in bed together. And people would gossip about it regardless.

“I'm sorry, Caroline,” Tessa said, her tone subdued. “After our talk last night, I realized I don't love Ryan. I don't even think I like him.” Her voice dropped even more. “But I can see that you love him. And he loves you too. I could see how miserable he was last night because he had to marry me and not you.”

Part of Caroline wanted to slap Tessa across the face, for getting herself into this predicament, for hurting her and Ryan so deeply. Tessa was right. It would be all too easy to hate her for what she'd done. She tried to ignore the whisper that said Tessa wasn't completely to blame, that Ryan had a part in it too.

“Why did you do it?” Caroline asked, unable to keep the hardness out of her voice.

“Because I hate this place,” she cried, the passion of her words tearing at Caroline's heart. “I hate living at this lighthouse. I never want to live at another lighthouse for the rest of my life. I'd be happy never to set foot in one ever again.”

“I don't understand. Why?”

Tessa gulped down a sob before responding. “The light has taken everything and everyone I've ever loved. It killed Mother. Then it killed Father. And now it's taking you from me.”

“I'm still here.”

“But now you're leaving too. It also almost took Hugh and Harry with their nearly drowning. Don't you see? I don't want to lose anyone else.”

“You won't.” But Caroline knew her words contained an empty promise. Light keeping wasn't an easy job but was fraught with all kinds of danger.

“I want to move away from here,” Tessa said again, as though
she hadn't heard Caroline. “I wanted Ryan to take me as far from the lighthouse as possible.”

Caroline sagged, her knees almost buckling beneath her. So that was it. Tessa had believed Ryan would rescue her from an unwanted life. The girl had hoped that by marrying him, she'd have a way out. But instead she'd ended up tied to the very place she despised.

Tessa took Caroline's hand and clutched it. “Please, Caroline. Help me get out of this situation. I don't want to marry him now. I don't want to stay here.”

Caroline pulled back. “You're confessing your lie because you want my help?”

Tessa started to nod.

“You don't care that you've hurt Ryan and me as a result, do you?”

“But I do care!” Tessa half sobbed. “I'm sorry I hurt you. I really am.”

“Does that mean if Ryan had given in to you last night and agreed to take you away, that you still would have confessed to your lie and apologized to me this morning?”

Tessa hesitated.

Caroline pulled out of her sister's grasp altogether. “You're so selfish, Tessa.”

Tessa raised both hands to her face and started crying into them again. “I told you that you'd hate me!”

Caroline was tempted to cave in to the hatred. It beckoned her to release all the frustrations and disappointments she'd had with Tessa. The girl didn't deserve her love anymore, especially after deceiving her and Ryan.

But when had any of them deserved God's love? They were constantly hurting and disappointing Him, and yet He remained
patient with them. He continued to love them and call them His own. He might discipline them, but He didn't reject them or hate them.

Caroline sighed and blew out the rising anger that had wrapped around her. She reached for the kitchen chair next to Tessa and dragged it out. She plopped onto it and reached for Tessa's hand. “I told you I'd never hate you, and I meant it.”

Tessa cried for a little while longer and then finally quieted. The light of dawn had been steadily increasing, with the sky outside the kitchen window turning a forget-me-not blue.

Soon Ryan would turn off the light, if he hadn't already. He would complete the morning's duties, making sure the oil was refilled and the glass prisms of the lens cleaned before he descended the tower.

What would they tell him? How could she free him of his obligation to Tessa, so that he would be free to marry her instead?

“I know I've been selfish,” Tessa said, wiping the wetness from her cheeks. “And I know I've been difficult for you too.”

It was true, but Caroline knew it was enough that Tessa had admitted it. She didn't need to make her feel worse by agreeing with her. “You miss having a mother, and I'm a poor substitute.”

“No, you've done the best you can—all you can—to provide for us and keep us together. I should have been more grateful to you, Caroline.”

“And I should have appreciated you more.”

Tessa leaned forward and reached for her sister. This time, Caroline didn't hesitate. She pulled her into a fierce hug, holding her and stroking her hair, letting relief and gratefulness mingle together.

“I want you and Ryan to get married,” Tessa said, pulling
back, her voice stronger. “How can we get him to change his mind? I don't want him to feel obligated to marry me.”

“We need to tell him the truth, everything you just told me. He deserves to know all that happened so he can stop beating himself up.”

“I'll tell him just as soon as he comes down,” Tessa said. “But will that be enough? He may still think he has to marry me to save my reputation.”

“He'll insist on it.” Ryan's sense of honor was strong, something Caroline admired about him. But for once, she wished he wasn't so honorable.

“And what about Mr. Finick?” Tessa asked. “What if he makes Ryan marry me in order to keep the job?”

“He'll probably insist on it too.” The helplessness of the situation began to creep in again.

Tessa nodded. “There must be some way to make both of them see that Ryan needs to marry you instead of me.”

Caroline sat back in her chair, her mind grappling for a solution. Every option she thought of, though, ended the same—with Tessa still being left with a tainted reputation.

The patter of footsteps in the dormer room overhead told them Hugh and Harry would soon descend to the kitchen.

“I don't know what to do.” Caroline stood slowly, her throat beginning to close. She was worrying again. The sensation was all too familiar, but one she didn't want to feel.

I cast my cares on
you,
she silently cried out. She had to cast this burden onto the Lord before it got too heavy and dragged her down. She didn't know what would happen to Tessa or to her and Ryan, but she couldn't let it consume her with worry and fear.

Whatever came her way, she had to trust that God was there with her, helping to bear her burdens.

R
yan closed the tower door behind him and stepped into the charred remains of the passageway. Overhead, through the hole in the roof, a translucent patch of sky told him the morning was already half over.

And it told him he couldn't put off the inevitable any longer.

He'd completed every lighthouse duty he could possibly think of and then some. He'd even scrubbed the tower floor and steps.

But now it was past time to go down to the house, change his clothes, and take Tessa to town.

His gut ached at the thought, but after crying out to God off and on all night, he knew he couldn't take the coward's way out, not ever again.

He ducked through the blackened doorway and walked outside. Looking to the east, his eyes scanned the calm waters of Lake St. Clair. He wasn't sure how many ships had passed by the light last night, but he knew countless depended upon the beam that streamed for miles out, helping to guide them to safety.

The rocky shore and the gentle lapping of waves called to him, and he made his way to the water's edge. The whisper of
the breeze that met him seemed to reach down into his soul, soothing him.

God had brought him to this lighthouse for more than just the job, he realized now. God had brought him here to begin healing. He'd taken steps in the right direction, mainly crying out his need for God. But he still had a long way to go.

And he knew what he needed to do next. He slipped his hand into his leather satchel. His fingers closed around the cold tin flask. He withdrew it, not bothering to hide the trembling in his hand. The liquid within sloshed and taunted him. His mouth watered and his throat burned, but he ignored the sensation. Instead he lifted the flask, cocked his good arm back, and heaved it with all his strength.

The flask flew far out above the water, a ray of sunlight hitting it and making it glint. For only the briefest instant did he feel any regret. And then the container plopped into the lake and disappeared beneath the surface, sinking quickly from sight.

He expelled a breath of relief. He should have done it long ago. He should have put any hint of temptation far from him. Maybe if he had, he wouldn't have brought everyone so much heartache. As it was, he'd pay for his weakness and mistakes the rest of his life.

With another sigh he turned to face the house. Smoke from the stovepipe curled into the morning air. The keeper's cottage was picturesque against the backdrop of the pale-blue sky.

It would have been beautiful, and it would have felt like home, if he'd known that Caroline was waiting inside for him instead of Tessa.

Finally, he made his way back to the house and went inside. As he closed the door quietly, pleasant chatter and the clinking of cooking utensils beckoned him to the kitchen. He moved
soundlessly to the doorway and stopped at the sight of Caroline at the table, paring and chopping apples, and Tessa, standing at the stove and stirring a pot of thick sauce. Glass jars lined the sideboard. Some were already filled with the brownish liquid he guessed to be applesauce or apple butter. Other jars stood empty, awaiting their turn.

Caroline glanced up. The paring knife in her hand froze in mid-peel on a wormy apple. Her gaze sought his, and there was a hopefulness in her expression that sliced his heart as surely as the knife in the apple.

He had to avert his eyes before he strode around the table, grabbed her, and took her to town rather than Tessa.

At Caroline's silence, Tessa looked over her shoulder for just a second and then turned her attention back to the pot. “I was beginning to think you'd decided to run away.”

“Nay. Just finishing up some work.”

The kitchen was hot. Tessa's hair was pinned up, but strands stuck to her neck and forehead. Her sleeves were rolled up to her elbows, and her apron was splattered with brown spots.

She was clearly not ready for a wedding.

“I'll change my clothing,” he offered, “and then I'll be ready to ride to town whenever you are.”

He could feel Caroline's eyes upon him still, and he forced himself not to look at her.

“I won't be ready,” Tessa said, stirring the pot without breaking her rhythm.

Her nonchalance took him aback. He watched her for a moment. “Well, then how about if we go once you're done here?”

She shook her head. “No. I'm not going anywhere today.”

“Tessa,” Caroline rebuked. Her shirt collar shifted just enough that he caught sight of the bruises Arnie had left on
her neck. Once again regret fell over him like a dark shadow, that he hadn't protected her better.

Tessa lifted the spoon from the pot, blew on the brown pulp, then dipped a finger into it. She lifted it to her mouth and took a small taste before lowering the spoon again.

“Tessa,” Caroline said again, “we've talked about this already. You have to go.”

“I don't
have
to go.”

“Yes, you do.”

“You can't make me.”

“What's going on?” Ryan interrupted. He stepped into the room toward the table. He stopped and faced Caroline, and this time he met her gaze head on.

The paring knife in her hand shook. “Tell Ryan everything, Tessa. He deserves to know the truth.”

When Tessa turned, her young face was lined with guilt.

Ryan pulled out a chair and sat down to hide the sudden tremor in his legs.

As she relayed the story about drugging his tea with opium pills, he found that he wasn't angry with her. He couldn't be. Even if he'd been groggy and tired from the pills, he'd been alert enough to realize what he was doing when he took her offer of whiskey. He could have told her no. He could have gone straight to bed. But he hadn't. He hadn't resisted the temptation like he should have.

He was relieved, though, to discover he hadn't defiled Tessa, that he hadn't done anything in his drunken state to hurt her. But that didn't alleviate the fact that he'd fallen so quickly back into his old ways of drinking. And if he'd done it once, who was to say it wouldn't happen again?

Of course, he'd been calling out to the Lord with his needs.
But deep inside he knew he was still a weak man and had a lot of growing yet to do.

“So, you see, I'm not going to marry you,” Tessa said with a flourish of the big stirring spoon, heedless of the applesauce that dripped onto the floor. “You and Caroline are getting married instead.”

After Tessa finished her tale, Ryan turned and met Caroline's gaze. Even though there was that same tiny flicker of expectation he'd noticed earlier, she was also holding herself back.

Now he knew why. Perhaps Tessa had come forth with the truth, but would anyone else believe her? Finick had caught them in bed together, and even if they hadn't actually done anything, it sure looked like they had. Why would he believe otherwise? No one would think they were innocent, no matter how much they insisted upon it.

“Thank you for telling me the truth,” he said slowly. “But even if
we
know nothing happened between us, we won't be able to convince
anyone else
.”

“I'll tell them all the truth.” Tessa's cheeks were flushed, and her dark eyes flashed.

“Either way, you'll ruin your reputation in this community,” he said. “And I won't let you do that.”

“I'll have to live with the consequences of my actions.” Tessa reached for a ladle and lowered it into the pot. “People may think I'm tainted, may even consider me a loose woman. No decent man for miles around will want to marry me. But at least I won't have to make you and Caroline suffer on my account.”

Caroline watched Tessa, a new kind of sadness falling over her face. “I don't know if I can let you throw away your future and your chances of a good marriage like that—”

“It's not your decision to make.” Tessa lifted a ladleful of
sauce and poured it into the nearest jar. “Besides, I hope I won't need to stay here forever. Maybe one day soon I'll be able to leave and start a new life someplace else, where no one knows about my reputation.”

“The world is already tough enough on women,” Ryan said. “Just look at Caroline and how she's been denied the keeper position because she's a woman. It will be even worse for you, Tessa. Especially if you're seen as a loose woman.”

“I made the mistake.” Tessa poured more sauce into the jar. “I should be the one to suffer for it, not you and Caroline.”

Ryan longed to let Tessa have her way, for then he'd be free to marry Caroline. But how could he leave her to her ruin? How could he ever be happy with Caroline knowing he'd allowed Tessa to throw away her chances at having a good life?

“I can't allow you to take the blame for all that happened,” he said. “I was here. I could have prevented it if I'd been more careful.”

“No, Ryan, I'm the one at fault. I planned it. I did it. You had nothing to do with it.”

She was so matter-of-fact that Ryan wanted to believe her. But in reality he knew he could have prevented everything if he'd only been stronger. Whatever the case, he still had to do what was right. He had to protect Tessa from a life of hardship.

The sorrow in Caroline's eyes made it clear that she agreed with him, that she didn't want Tessa to suffer either.

For a long moment, no one said anything more. Tessa busied herself filling the remainder of the jar and then moving on to the next as if the matter were settled.

A knock and a shout at the front door startled Ryan.

“Caroline?” came a woman's voice.

“It's Esther.” Caroline wiped her hands on her apron and bustled around the table.

Ryan followed her into the sitting room to find Esther Deluth entering the house with her husband, the mayor. The man smiled and nodded at Ryan as he took off his tall top hat and ran a hand over his head to smooth back his hair.

Esther rushed over to Caroline and hugged her, or at least embraced her as far as her rounded belly would allow. “Caroline, I'm overwhelmed by good news,” she said, pulling back and beaming. “And I made my husband drive me out here the minute I received this post.”

Esther withdrew a sheet of paper from her coat pocket and unfolded it with a brisk shake of her hand. “I've finally heard back from my father and the Senate regarding your position here at the lighthouse.”

Caroline drew in a shaky breath, and her face went pale.

Ryan stepped beside her and put his hand on her elbow to steady her. She glanced up at him gratefully.

Esther laughed. “Don't be afraid. It's good news!”

Caroline leaned into him as if drawing strength from him. He only wished he had more to give her.

“My father said this.” Esther cleared her throat and began to read from the official-looking paper. “‘The vessel men all say that she keeps a very excellent light and I think it very hard to remove this woman, who is faithful and efficient, and throw her upon the world with her siblings entirely destitute.'”

Esther glanced up with an excited smile before continuing. “‘The community near her has also testified to her dedication and capability as lightkeeper. Their petition and overwhelming support indicate her competency to continue in her current position—'”

“Petition?” Caroline interrupted.

“Yes,” Esther's husband interjected, patting his wife's
shoulder. “Esther worked tirelessly to get signatures from everyone in Grosse Pointe and the surrounding area on her petition to keep you on at the lighthouse.”

Caroline started trembling, and Ryan moved his arm to her waist, wrapping it around her slender body.

Esther found her spot in the letter and continued reading. “‘After taking this appeal before the Lighthouse Board, they have come to the agreement that Caroline Taylor shall be instated as keeper of Windmill Point Lighthouse with full duties.'”

Caroline gasped and pressed a hand to her mouth. Her eyes brimmed with tears.

Esther's eyes flooded with tears as well. “We did it. We stood up for the rights of women.” Esther's normally unshakable voice wavered with emotion.

A thrill wound through Ryan. Caroline would get to keep the job she loved and deserved. He could think of nothing more he wanted for her.

Caroline broke away from Ryan and threw herself at Esther. As they hugged and cried, Ryan took a step back in time to see Tessa in the doorway with a half-filled jar of applesauce. Disappointment filled her expression.

Tessa was obviously not overjoyed by the news, probably because she didn't want to stay. She'd made that clear last night when she begged him to take her away from the lighthouse. Would she beg him again now that the keeper job officially belonged to Caroline? After all, if the Lighthouse Board was giving the job back to Caroline, that meant Tessa would have to stay and he was out of work. He wasn't needed here anymore. He would have to find a different job somewhere else.

Maybe Tessa would change her mind about marrying him once she realized he'd have to move away.