Authors: Joanna Sellick
Since
Declan’s house is only ten minutes away, we get there in no time, the loud
music giving the party scene away. We don’t bother knocking and just walk in,
finding Dec passing through the hallway.
He grins
as his eyes land on us, not even giving me an odd look that I’m at his party.
Either I’ve been overreacting this whole time or he’s too drunk to question
anything.
‘Hey guys,
beer is in the kitchen,’ he announces, his blonde hair flopping over eyes
before he disappears into the crowd.
‘Yes
please,’ I announce, still feel nervous. Then I turn to Jay, ‘Want one?’
Jay seems
to argue with himself over the decision before shrugging.
‘Just the
one,’ he confirms, following me into the kitchen. We each grab a beer before
elbowing our way through to the living room where we find Noah and her group of
friends all piled on one sofa. Stacia and Cassie are laughing at one end,
squished together with Michael and their friend Evan on the other side, Noah
sat across all four of them, her feet at the boy’s end.
‘Surely
that sofa isn’t made for that many people?’ Jay muses by way of greeting.
‘Definitely
not, especially with Fatty here,’ Evan retorts, pointing at Noah’s feet.
‘Hey!’
Noah argues. She goes to kick Evan lightly but ends up missing and catches
Michael’s cheek. Mike frowns and rubs his cheek.
‘You’re a
terrible Christian,’ he complains, rubbing at his cheek dramatically. Noah just
laughs evilly.
Evan looks
up at me and smirks. ‘Hey Neve, you look terrified.’
I’ve sat
with the group a few times this week, and one thing I’ve learnt is that Evan
calls it how he sees it. He doesn’t mean it as an insult, it’s just his way.
‘That’s
because I am,’ I grin shyly, taking another swig of my drink.
‘Well, if
anyone makes a move we’ll be on them like a tonne of bricks,’ Noah announces,
Stacia agreeing with a wink.
‘Mike’s
right, you do have an evil side,’ Jay muses. Mike looks up at Jay, raising an
eyebrow, his glasses falling down his nose.
‘Mate, I’m
always right.’
I chuckle
and before long Noah and Cassie hop off the sofa, deciding its time to do some
mingling, taking me with them. We push our way back to the kitchen in search of
snacks when a sharp and furious voice stops us in our tracks.
‘What the
hell are you doing here, freak?’ I spin around to find Kai glowering at me.
‘The same
reason you are,’ Noah responds calmly, although her lips have fallen into a
thin line. ‘She was invited, lay off, Kai.’
As for me,
I just stand there, frozen.
‘
Invited
?’ Kai scowls. ‘Don’t pretend you
belong here, Neve. You don’t.’
‘I said,
leave her alone,’ Noah snaps, taking a step in front of me.
I blink,
Kai’s words piercing right through me, sharper than a knife.
Part of me
wonders why I’m so surprised to hear those words, that’s what I’ve been telling
myself for so long isn’t it? That I don’t belong here, that I shouldn’t be
here? That I’m an outcast and I should have thrown myself off that bridge that
night?
Yet
something clicks inside me, an on switch that ignites a flame in an empty
space. I stare at Noah in front of me, who looks ready to really jump on her
like a tonne of bricks. Cassie too, even though I’ve only talked to her briefly
in the past few days, looks ready to jump to my defence.
Then I
think of Jay and Blake, the two boys who have saved my life in ways they can’t
imagine.
Perhaps,
just maybe, I do belong. Maybe I do have my place here, and people will notice
if I’m gone. Maybe there are people who do care about me.
People,
who have to constantly be my defence because I’m too weak to stand up for
myself, like Blake with Marty and his crew, or Noah now.
I was
right earlier, I have become stronger. It’s time to start fighting my own
battles.
‘Leave it
Noah,’ I say softly, my voice eerily calm. Then I turn to Kai. It’s time to
face up to some old ghosts. ‘Kai, I am so sorry for what happened, if I could
take everything back and get Alex back I would. I would do it a thousand times
over, but there is nothing I can do, and I’m sorry for that even more.’
Obviously
not the answer she was expecting, Kai stares at me. I turn to go when I see her
demeanour crack in the corner of my vision and the girl breaks, her face
heating up in anger.
‘You’re
sorry
?’ she growls angrily. A few people
who had still been minding their own business now pause to look, straining to
hear over the music. ‘You’re the reason my best friend got the back of his head
smashed in and you’re
sorry
?’ Kai
snaps, her hands bawling into fists.
Gone is
the calm and control from my voice.
‘Alex was
my best friend too!’ I snap back, my voice easily stamping out her retort.
Anger floods through me, fuelling my every word. How dare she? ‘You don’t think
I wonder everyday over what I could have done better? Over how I could have
done anything to stop him from being killed?
I punish myself everyday for what
happened and I don’t need people like you doing it for me!’
Furious, I
take a step back and start heading for the doorway, only pausing when I finally
reach it. Kai is glowering at me, hatred plastered all over her face.
‘What
happened, happened. There’s no way any of us could have seen it happening, so
how could I have stopped it?’ I say in a slightly calmer yet still firm voice.
My voice cracks then and I will myself to keep the tears at bay, although some
still escape. ‘You don’t have to forgive or forget, just don’t talk to me ever,
ever again.’
A moment
later I feel an arm wrap around my shoulders and look up to see Jay standing
there. He winks.
Silence
falls in the kitchen and Kai’s mouth drops open and closes again like a
goldfish before Noah finally strides away, coming to meet us. Apparently Declan
has also come in with Jay and she slaps his back.
‘Great
party mate, but I think we’re gunna head back to mine,’ she winks. ‘If we go
now we can still make it in time to see Dancing on Ice.’
Jay nods
to Declan and sort of steers me away. It’s not until we are out in the front
garden and the cold air hits me that I realise what I’ve just done.
‘I cannot
believe you just did that!’ Cassie squeals.
‘I can’t
believe I missed most of it,’ Stacia moans unhappily.
‘Whilst I
don’t condone violence, that was pretty awesome,’ Noah comments with a sly
grin.
Jay nudges
my arm. ‘I’m proud of you, you just faced your demons,’ he teases. I just shake
my head in disbelief.
‘You’re
proud of me for snapping at Kai?’ I frown. Jay shakes his head and lowers his
voice.
‘No, I’m
proud of you for what you said about Alex. About how you couldn’t have seen it
coming so therefore it couldn’t have been your fault. You should listen to
yourself more often, because you’re right.’ I just nod, not even realising
that’s what I had said in the heat of the moment.
Another
thought suddenly occurs to me.
‘I am so dead
on Monday,’ I panic. Jay laughs and squeezes my arm.
‘You’ll be
fine, I’ll make sure of it.’
We head
over to Noah’s and, although I thought she had been kidding, she puts on
Dancing on Ice and we all crowd around in her living room. Apparently Mike and
Evan are big fans.
Looking
around, I feel something strange that I haven’t felt in quite a long time.
Happiness.
I belong
here, in this little group. I’ve faced down Kai and my other demons.
Well sort
of, I know I have a long way to go. But a little bit of hope sparks in me, and
for a moment it feels good and real. Solid.
Plus, I’ll
call Blake and fix things with him tomorrow.
Jay sees
me smiling to myself and grins, mouthing to see if I’m okay.
‘I’m
fine,’ I mouth back, my lips twitching upwards at the sentiment.
And for
now, I am fine. For now, everything is perfect.
I try to
get a hold of Blake over Sunday, even Jay, but neither of them pick up so I
focus on my psychology revision for the rest of the weekend. On Monday morning
I decide to pop by Al’s coffee shop on my way to school as I’ve been severely
neglecting it since the arrival of the Ellsworth boys.
As I push
my way in the familiar smell of coffee hits me, making me realise just how much
I’ve been missing this place. Al waves at me from the counter and beckons me
over.
‘Neve, I
was thinking you’d left me for one of the larger chains of coffee shops!’ he
announces, pretending to sob. I laugh and put some money on the counter.
‘Nah,
Starbucks isn’t half as good as this place,’ I tell him with a wink. Al beams
before putting together the usual, presenting me with a warm latte. I’m about
to leave when I remember something I should have said to him ages ago.
‘I’m
sorry, about your wife,’ I say softly. Al looks up and I see his own face
soften.
‘It’s been
a hard three years,’ he shrugs sadly.
‘Is there
any hope for her getting better?’ I ask gently. Al looks up at me with
confusion.
‘My dear
Neve, my wife passed away three years ago.’
My mouth
drops open in confusion. I thought Jay’s aunt was battling cancer? Unless he’s
talking about another aunt.
‘Oh my
God, I am so sorry,’ I say in surprise. ‘I didn’t know…’
Al waves a
hand dismissively. ‘Don’t worry about it. And thank you.’
I leave an
extra tip before saying goodbye and head back to school, replaying Al’s words
over and over again in my head. It just doesn’t make sense.
I lock my
bike up and stride into the hallways, still cuddling the last of my latte. The
halls seem to be extra crowded today, students huddling in groups to look at
notices on walls but I pay no attention to them until I hear my name suddenly
whispered.
My head
snaps up and I see every single person in the corridor looking at me. This
isn’t me being paranoid or imaging anything, this is real.
A few
students snigger or move out of my way, others laughing or turning away in
silent whispers. I finally pay attention to the posters on the walls, the ones
that passing teachers have finally noticed and are trying desperately to tear
down and move the crowds of students away from.
Staggering
over on wobbly legs, I tear the nearest one down from the wall, clutching it in
my hand and praying it isn’t real.
This can’t
be happening. It can’t be.
‘
You’ve all heard the fairytale of how Neve
Willows and Jay Ellsworth came to be. But has anyone ever heard the true story
how Neve Willows and Alex Mason ended?
’ the poster reads.
No, no,
no.
In fancy
italics, the poster continues.
‘Once upon a time there used to be an
English teacher called Mr Fenwick,
Who used to like to take his students out
on dates,
And little Neve fell right into his
trap.
Low and behold, an affair was born,
Though Prince Alex tried and protested,
The Princess was stubborn,
And Prince Alex was gone the next day.’
Son of a
Bitch.
Below the
crude poem is a picture of the CCTV footage from the night of Alex’s death.
We’re in Mr Fenwick’s classroom, his arm outstretched as if about to pull me
into a loving embrace.
It was
anything but.
They
really did it. My tormenter really has spilt everything.
I let out
a barely audible noise, that I suppose is meant to be a scream, but its gets stuck
in my throat, the air suddenly feeling thick and choking me.
Everything
inside me starts to burn, and I begin to taste bile in the back of my throat.
No, no, no.
Looking
up, my gaze lands on a figure; a boy with brown hair and green eyes. Jay holds
one of the flyers in his hands and slowly lifts his eyes to meet mine, filled
with confusion and loss.
Then the
bell goes.
That
springs me into action and I drop the poster and what’s left of my latte,
sprinting down the hallway and not caring who I push out the way, bursting into
tears as soon as I round the corner.
I have to
get out of here. I have to be anywhere but here.
Humiliation
tinting my cheeks and the tops of my ears, I carry on running, forgetting my
bike and just needing to get away. Half way across the car park a voice calls
out to me and I feel my legs come to an involuntary stop.
‘Neve!’
Jay yells. I spin around to find him running towards me, his face reddening
from running. He comes to an abrupt stop a few metres away and I suddenly notice
what Noah had been saying the other day. He does look thinner.
Jay looks
as if he’s about to say something else but in the end just puts his hands in
the air in utter confusion.
‘What the
hell is going on?’ he says at last, running a hand through his hair in
frustration.
‘Someone
seriously has it out for me, that’s what,’ I snap, backing away. ‘Just ask for
God’s sake. Ask me if it’s true.’ I can see the question written all over his
face.
Jay just
stares at me for a moment.
‘I don’t
need to ask, because I know it’s not true,’ he says at last, although his voice
sounds unsure. I don’t say anything. ‘Because I thought you could trust me with
something like that. Or is your silence trying to tell me that you in fact did
have an affair-’
‘It was
not
an affair,’ I say, very sharply, my
whole frame shaking.
Jay’s eyes
suddenly widen as realisation dawns on him.
‘He
attacked you?’ he asks quietly, dropping his hands in shock.
I laugh
darkly.
‘There’s
one thing my tormentor got wrong in the whole of this,’ I state, folding my
arms. ‘I wasn’t the one he chose to victimise.’ Then my voice breaks and the
tears fall harder, masking my voice. ‘Alex was.’
Suddenly,
Jay doesn’t have anything to say to that. Or anything else to say at all.
A heavy
silence falls between us.
‘Neve,’
Jay says softly, holding his hand out to me and taking a step forward, but I
take a step back and make a motion for him to stop.
‘Don’t,’ I
say shakily. I don’t want to be near anyone, much less touched, even if it is
Jay. Jay stops immediately, putting his arms up in a sort of surrender.
It occurs
to me that he’s waiting for more of an explanation. After all these months, I’m
finally going to be telling someone what really happened that night.
I take a
deep breath, digging my nails fiercely into my palms. I can feel little wet
patches of blood welling up but I don’t care.
‘For the
last few months of year twelve, Alex had been acting a little strange, but
whenever I asked he would tell me everything was fine,’ I start shakily. Jay
watches me carefully as I carry on. ‘Finally in the summer he told me
everything, that Mr Fenwick had been strange, making moves on him and being a
bit too… intimate, to put it lightly. I told him to go to the police
immediately, either that or I would but he promised me he’d sort it all out,
and I believed him.
‘Then when
school started I noticed him starting to act weird again. I could tell it was
getting worse, not just words and the odd slip of the hand but something much
sicker, so I went after school to confront Mr Fenwick, to tell him that if he
didn’t stop I’d take it straight to the police, with or without Alex’s
blessing. Of course, the teacher didn’t take me seriously and then tried…’ I break
off, a sob rising in my throat. I quickly push it down and regain composure.
‘He tried to make a move on me.
‘Alex was
staying after school and must have heard me shouting or something because the
next thing I know, Alex bursts into the classroom and throws a punch at Mr
Fenwick. I barely had time to react before Alex started dragging me out of
there. He took me straight home and sat me on my bed, telling me everything was
going to be alright and that he was going to the police immediately, saying that
going after me was the last straw.’
I stop and
take a breath, daring a glance at Jay. He’s still wearing a mask of shock yet
his lips are set into a firm line.
‘I didn’t
hear back from him, no matter how many times I called and the next day I found
out he was dead,’ I finish, my head starting to throb. ‘In the end, I couldn’t
let Mr Fenwick just get away with it so I told them it was me he attacked.
Thanks to footage on the CCTV camera from that night it was enough to condemn
him and that’s the last I’ve heard of him. I wanted to get him done for murder
but they didn’t have the evidence for that,’ I shake my head. ‘But he
had
to have been the one to kill Alex,
because he was going to the police. And it’s all my fault! Because I had to go
in there and act like the tough guy instead of going straight to the police
like I should have!’ I scream. I’m surprised I have any tears left yet they
continue to pour.
Running a
hand rapidly through my hair, I frantically try to keep myself together.
‘And now,
everything I’ve tried to keep locked away, everything about Alex that I’ve
tried to keep a secret is out,’ I say in softer tone, my voice now weak. ‘All
because I went to that damn party last night, my tormentor told me not to go,
but I didn’t listen. Once again I’ve screwed up.’
‘Tormentor?’
Jay frowns, his face hardening. He doesn’t dare take a step closer to me
though.
I sigh,
shaking my head. ‘Someone’s been messaging me for months now, taunting me about
it. Somehow they know everything and they like to remind me of it. I keep a
diary of everything they say, to remind me what I did,’ I murmur. ‘I’ve got to
go.’
I turn to
go and start walking, ignoring Jay’s pleas.
Feeling a
hand on my shoulder, I jump instinctively and push him away violently. Jay
looks at me in disbelief.
Shaken, I
back away from him, my whole world crumbling around me yet again at the shocked
expression on his face.
‘Just…
leave me alone!’ I end up screeching before sprinting off again. My feet
continue to pound at the ground and I ignore everyone in the streets who give
me odd or weird looks.
I finally
reach home and burst through my front door, thankful that Charlie is at work,
before running into my room and slamming the door shut, falling onto my bed. I
scream into my pillow and tear at my bedding until I end up collapsing, crying
into it instead.
‘Neve.’ I
hear a soft voice soothing me and I snap my head up, standing up and clutching
a pillow close to me.
‘I’m going
crazy,’ I whisper to Alex. The embodiment of Alex shakes his head, a small
smile on his perfect features. He’s in the same thing I saw him in last time,
his “comfy clothes.”
‘A crazy
person doesn’t know they’re crazy,’ he reasons in that soft tone. Then he turns
serious, making his way over to me, almost as if he longs to pull me into his
arms again, but we both know he can’t. ‘Neve, you have to stop this. Don’t do
this to yourself, I beg you,’ he pleads, anguish clouding his expression.
I gasp and
step backwards, pressing up against my desk.
‘You’re
not real,’ I accuse, my voice trembling. ‘You’re just my imagination, you
aren’t
him
.’
‘But if I
was he would be saying the exact same thing,’ Alex argues, his blonde hair
falling over his eyes like it always did whenever he was annoyed, the action
only frustrating him more. The trait is there now, and he quickly pushes it off
his forehead. ‘Please Neve…’
‘No!’ I
shout, throwing the pillow at Alex. Of course, it goes straight through him. I
squeeze my eyes shut, digging my nails into my palms rapidly.
I want
this all to stop. I want to wake up from this nightmare.
‘Just go
away! You aren’t him!’ I scream into air. When I open my eyes, Alex is gone,
his loss taking some part of me away with him all over again. In frustration, I
tear at my paper cranes, pulling them from the ceiling and crushing them before
I crumble to the floor, a tiny red one in my palm which I hold closely against
my chest.
I stay
there for a long time, although I don’t bother to check how long for before I
distantly hear the doorbell ringing frantically. Frowning, I slowly uncurl
myself as the bell continues to chime and quickly dab away at my stained cheek
and run a hand through my hair before opening the door.
On the
other side, Blake lets out a loud sigh of relief.
‘Thank
God,’ he whispers. I take note that he stays carefully where he is, not wanting
to startle me.
‘What are
you doing here?’ I manage in a barely audible voice. ‘Did Jay send you?’