Authors: Joanna Sellick
‘Maybe
it’s just me seeing things. Besides, it’s none of my business. But you two
would make an adorable couple,’ she prompts.
I smirk. I
wonder how she will take the news that I’m sort of seeing his older brother?
I decide
not to tell her that just yet and move on to a new topic, racking my brains
again for the first thing I can think of.
‘Are you
going to Declan’s party on Saturday?’ I ask at last, for lack of anything
better.
‘Of
course,’ Noah beams excitedly and she helps me put all the little bits of our
DNA structure together. ‘How about you?’
Damn.
I mentally
cringe at putting myself in such a tight spot and decide just to tell her the
truth, it’s not like people don’t know that I have no friends anyway.
‘I won’t
really know anyone,’ I say lamely, concentrating determinedly on what is in
front of me instead of meeting her gaze.
‘It’s only
people from school who are going?’ she argues with confusion. I laugh bitterly.
‘If you
hadn’t noticed, I’m not exactly
Miss
Popular
around here. Most people here either hate me or just gossip about
me behind my back,’ I reply dryly. Noah laughs.
‘Only
because you’ve let them,’ she says. I glance up at her then, to see her looking
at me through kind but serious eyes. ‘If you let them own you, they will. On
the other hand, you can get out there and show them they don’t own you.
Besides, not everyone in this hell hole is bad.’ She smiles softly, playing
with the silver cross hanging around her neck. ‘Why don’t you come with me to
lunch and meet some people?’ she offers.
I squirm
uncomfortably. ‘I dunno…’
‘That’s
decided then, you’re coming with me to lunch. Today’s Monday so we pop out to
Domino’s, I hope you have change-’ she decides before being cut off, a large
lump of play-dough hitting her in the cheek. At the other end of the classroom,
Mike does a little victory dance.
I shake my
head in disbelief but she ignores me and I can’t help but let a small smile
play on my lips. Her words keep replaying in my mind though, they are similar
to what Jay had said the other day, and I stare at the students around me.
Many of
them are in conversations of their own, but how many of the whispers are about
me?
None
, my mind
points out. Absolutely none.
Saturday
rolls by and I find myself with Blake again, lounging at home while Charlie is
out with Nadine, a cheesy horror movie that we have both seen a thousand times
and not been scared by once, playing in the background.
Currently,
I’m leaning with my back against his muscular chest and as the movie plays we
laugh about the ghouls and make remarks about the actor’s terrible acting.
I feel
comfortable with Blake; safe. I want so badly to just let my selfish side out
and keep him all to myself forever but whenever things get too heated or deep,
I feel myself pulling away suddenly and changing the topic, waves of guilt
flooding over me.
But I
guess everyone gets nervous during their first proper relationship.
‘See, the
woman hears a scream, goes towards it, and now she’s about to get zombified,’
Blake points out. I laugh as the woman stupidly opens the door and is attacked
poorly by a half eaten man missing a chunk of his head.
‘Okay,
that’s enough horror movies for you,’ I chastise, reaching to grab the remote,
but Blake gets there before me. Damn his longer arms.
Blake just
winks and raises the remote higher in the air. I try to steal it off of him but
he keeps it out of reach, teasing me.
‘No fair,
you’re taller,’ I scowl, folding my arms. He winks.
‘Okay, how
about a trade?’ he smirks, his eyes glistening wickedly. ‘The remote for a
kiss?’
‘Cheesy,
but I think I can work with that,’ I grin, pulling him closer to me. Blake
drops the remote and uses his hands to run them through my hair before they move
to my waist, pressing his soft lips against mine and causing waves of pleasure
to run through me.
I slide my
tongue alongside his and grip the front of his shirt tightly, never wanting to
let go. Everything in me is urging to get closer, wishing for him to hold me
tighter but as the kiss deepens in intensity and I feel his hands move to my
lower back, my defences come flying back up, the familiar pang of guilt hitting
me like a brick wall. It’s like I want to carry on, but for some reason can’t.
Groaning
against his lips, I pull away and roll off the sofa, getting up to pace.
‘I’m
sorry,’ I mutter, annoyed with myself. ‘I can’t… it’s really stupid but I just
can’t…’ I babble quickly.
‘Woah,’
Blake laughs, taking my hand and guiding me carefully back to the sofa. Still
smiling, he tucks a piece of hair behind my ear. ‘What’s wrong?’
I frown
and squeeze my eyes shut, as if explaining will be easier if I can’t see him.
‘I love
this, and I want this to happen, but every time we get too close I start feeling
uncomfortable and I don’t know why!’ I say miserably. ‘I’ve never really been
with a guy before… and I know this must sound stupid to you, what with your
summer hook ups with Charity doing,
that-
’
‘Sex?’
Blake clarifies, raising an eyebrow.
‘Yes, that.
See, I can’t even say it.’
To my
surprise, Blake chuckles, running his hand along my cheek. Slowly, I open my
eyes.
‘Neve, you
are not a summer hook up,’ he says pointedly. ‘I don’t care about that stuff, I
just want to be with you. If you want to take it slow, we’ll take it slow, and
if you feel too smothered just say and I’ll give you some space. I want this to
work,’ he assures me, his eyes reflecting his honesty.
I give him
a small smile and nod, feeling slightly embarrassed but ultimately relieved. In
order to distract him from my burning cheeks, I smirk.
‘Don’t
lie, you’re a guy. You totally care about that stuff,’ I accuse, grinning and
poking his chest with my forefinger.
‘I have no
idea what you mean,’ he winks, catching my hand and kissing it.
‘Uh huh,
like you totally aren’t undressing me with your eyes just now.’
‘Maybe
slightly,’ he admits, a mischievous grin lighting up his features. He reels me
in and starts planting deliberately loud and sloppy kisses up my arm and neck.
I giggle loudly, trying to squirm out of his grip but he keeps me fixed in
place, tickling my stomach.
‘Alex,
stop. I want to watch the movie!’ I cry. Then I freeze and clamp a hand over my
mouth after realising what I’ve just said. For a moment I pray that it hasn’t
registered with Blake, but his grip loosens and as he pulls away, any hopes of
him being oblivious are diminished.
I dare to
turn around to see Blake sitting back in the chair, his hands clasped together
and looking at the floor. Slowly, he looks up.
‘Are you
sure there isn’t more than one reason you can’t be with me?’ he says carefully,
his voice thick with emotion. It takes a moment for his words to sink in and
even then I can do nothing more than blink.
‘Because
of
Alex
?’ I frown. ‘What do you
mean?’
‘I mean,’
Blake starts, shifting uncomfortably. ‘Are you sure you weren’t in-’
‘In love
with him?’ I say sharply, standing up and folding my arms, willing my cheeks
not to start burning. For some reason the accusation makes me tense all over,
walls of armour beginning to build themselves up around me.
‘Yes,’
Blake replies calmly. ‘I mean… the way you speak about him, the way you look
whenever you say his name. And your room, his presence is everywhere. It’s like
you’re afraid to let him go-’
‘
Afraid to let him go
?’ I repeat, my
voice breaking out of anger. ‘Well, that’s where you’re wrong. I’m not afraid
to let him go, I’m terrified,’ I snap. ‘He was my
best friend,
Blake. Before you guys came along I had no one else. I
know its alright for you, you have friends left, right and centre, but you have
no idea how much it hurts to lose someone so close to you!’ I yell.
‘I have
quite a good idea,’ Blake says softly, although his eyes glaze over darkly.
Then he seems to snap out of his trance. ‘Look, I didn’t mean-’ He goes to hold
out a hand towards me but I flinch away and he drops it again, a look of hurt
spreading across his features.
‘I think
its best you leave,’ I say quietly, wrapping my arms around me. A voice inside
my head is screaming at me to stop, to stop all this before it piles into a
mess I can’t get myself out of but the rest of me ignores it.
Blake’s
mouth falls open as if going to say something, but then he closes it again. His
throat works before he picks up his jacket from the sofa and leaves. Just like
that.
I wait
until the front door is softly shut before I curl up a fist and slam it angrily
into the sofa, my hand sinking into the soft pillows. Then I simply fall face
first onto it and scream into the nearest pillow.
What have
I done?
I’m a
serious idiot sometimes, why did I have to blow it up into such a big thing? Oh
God, Blake.
I shoot up
and run to my front door, praying that he’s still here for me to apologise but
he and his car are gone. Annoyed with myself, I lean against the doorframe
before finally closing the door and trudging back into the living room.
Falling
back onto the sofa, I curl myself into a ball, digging my nails into my palms
in frustration. I can’t stop replaying the scene over and over again, one
question keeps appearing at the forefront of my mind.
Am I in
love with Alex?
No
, I
decide. I can’t be; this is Alex we’re talking about. It already hurts so much,
if I’m in love with him, then surely it would hurt that much more?
I take my
head away from the pillow and move to lie on my back, hugging the pillow close
to me. I chuckle without much humour.
Maybe I’m
just a nutcase? That’s probably it.
Sighing, I
stay there for a while before exhaustion starts to tug at me and I fall into
unconsciousness. When I wake up again the clock is blinking at me, the little
digits telling me its seven o’clock.
Groaning, I
let out a yawn and stretch before pulling myself up and running a hand through
my hair. Jay is picking me up at eight for this stupid party, which I feel like
going to now even less than usual.
He and
Noah had finally convinced me to go sometime during the week, and I’m sure both
of them will crucify me now if I bail so I eventually drag myself into the
kitchen in search of something to eat and then head upstairs.
My heart
really isn’t in getting ready, so instead of fussing over clothes and make-up
like last time I just pull on my best jeans and a dark sort-of-party top with a
black blazer over that. I run a brush through my hair and reapply some make-up
before I hear the doorbell go. Frowning, I look at my phone, I still have a
good ten minutes before eight, but Jay is normally early.
I make my
way down the stairs, surprised to find that a large brown envelope has been
posted through the door. I pick it up, freezing when I read the word scrawled
across it.
Whore
.
With a
gasp, I grasp the envelope tightly and swing my front door open, running out
into the chilly evening and spinning on my heel, trying to get a good look of
the area around me. But it’s no good, everything is caked in darkness and I
can’t see any movement.
There is
no sign of my tormentor.
Slowly, I
move back inside and close the door, leaning against it in confusion and slight
horror. My gaze drops down to the envelope in my hand.
A couple
of weeks ago, I would have ripped the envelope open and taken whatever it gave
me willingly and without a second thought. Now I just stare at it.
Finally,
and with shaky hands, I start to peal the seal off and tip it so that the
contents slide into my hands. Inside is a black and white photograph of mine
and Alex’s old English teacher.
The sight
makes my stomach churn and I drop the photo in horror, feeling physically sick.
To make matters worse, the photo falls facedown and I see two words scribbled
on the back:
your choice
.
Trembling,
I feel myself sliding down the door until my butt hits the floor and I just
stare in front of me.
The
message is frighteningly clear: go to this party, try to make something of your
life, and it all comes out. Everything I’ve tried so hard to keep hidden and
locked away will come spilling out.
This isn’t
just a threat, or an insult or taunting like usual. This is blackmail.
Suddenly,
the doorbell goes and I scream, completely taken by surprise.
‘Red?’ I
hear Jay chuckle from the other side of the door.
It takes
me a moment to register his voice and then I quickly scramble off of the floor,
shouting back ‘I’ll be there in a minute!’
I grab the
envelope and photo and stuff it down the side of the table by the front door
before taking an urgent breath and rearranging myself. Finally, I open the
door.
‘Hey,’ I
say brightly. ‘Look, I’m really not sure about this. I think I’m just gunna
stay home, in fact, I think I’ve come down with that cold you had last week, so
I’ll see you later,’ I say in a rush, going to shut the door again. I almost
manage to close it but Jay puts his foot in the door, laughing.
‘You’re
already changed,’ he points out, raising his eyebrow. ‘Don’t make me drag you
out.’
‘Jay,
please,’ I beg. His smile drops and he regards me carefully.
‘Is
something wrong?’ Jay asks, concern appearing on his features.
‘Me and
Blake had a fight,’ I quickly blurt out, rather lamely. Jay smiles and shakes
his head.
‘Oh, Red,’
he chuckles.
‘Couples have fights, you’ll
make up by tomorrow. Please come out tonight?’ When I don’t say anything he
folds his arms. ‘If you don’t like it, just give me a shout and we’ll leave.
But I refuse to leave without you at least giving it a go, it’ll be good for
you. Nothing bad will happen while I’m there, I promise,’ Jay tells me,
determination now written all over his face.
But you don’t know that
, I think desperately, my mind going back to the photo stuffed
hastily down the back of the table beside me.
‘Please?’
Jay says one more time.
I frown.
Would my tormentor really reveal everything about my past? Surely they have
more to lose out of doing that than to gain because they’ll have no secret to
taunt me with in the future?
My
tormentor is cruel, but not that cruel. I look up at Jay again, his whole
composure and just general Jay
ness
filling me with a slight confidence.
Then I
think about these past few weeks. A few weeks; can that really be how long I’ve
known him for? I’ve changed so much in just that short amount of time, and I
think, I hope, that I’ve become stronger in that time.
It’s like
Noah said, I can’t let my tormentor own me.
‘Let’s
go,’ I say with a sudden determination of my own. Despite my bravado though, my
stomach is flipping violently. Jay’s face lights up in triumph and we head over
to the car.