Authors: Joanna Sellick
We had finalised our cinema plans for
Saturday afternoon, since Jay wanted the morning for revising, but by Friday
morning I can tell our plans may not go ahead after all.
‘Jay, you look like my grandma’s cat did
just before it got up and died. And I mean that literally. It stood up, and
died,
’ I chastise Jay, sliding into a
seat opposite him in the library.
He really doesn’t look great. He seems to
be a shade whiter and just looks generally weak and exhausted, with dark
circles appearing under his eyes.
‘Your sympathy is touching but you’re
overreacting,’ Jay chuckles, yawning. ‘I’m just tired. Exams are right around
the corner you know, it’s the stress.’
‘We still have the Christmas holidays to
study, give yourself a break, Nerd,’ I laugh.
‘I have, like, six exams,’ Jay groans. ‘You
take that many and see how you like it.’
‘Okay, okay, I get it. Still, I have no
chance of passing the few I am actually taking. I can’t seem to get my head
around any of it. I’m doomed,’ I whine, resting my head on the table.
‘Well, I don’t know much about Psychology,
but I can help you out with Biology,’ Jay says thoughtfully. ‘I could tutor you
if you like?’
I lift my head and contemplate this for a
moment. Well I guess my grades can’t get any worse, and if I want to try this
college thing I would need some other subjects to help get me in.
‘Sounds like a plan,’ I shrug. Jay nods and
yawns again.
‘Hey, don’t give me that look. If anything,
blame Blake. He found this new online game and talked me into it, we didn’t get
much sleep,’ he replies defensively and I roll my eyes. Despite his light
attitude though, there’s something concerning behind the light in his eyes that
makes it seem more than just tiredness and stress.
‘Whatever, just do me a favour and go home
and get some sleep. Please?’ I ask, holding his gaze.
Jay finally rolls his eyes and starts
packing up his stuff.
‘Fine, but only because I’m scared you’ll
burn holes through my skull if I stay here any longer. But we’re still on for
tomorrow right?’
‘Are you sure you’re going to be up for
it?’ I frown.
‘I’ll be fine and dandy,’ he replies
dismissively.
If only he had realised how wrong he was.
The next day I’m hanging around outside the
cinema, leaning on the post and staring at the time on my phone. For a December
day it isn’t that cold, in fact the sun is even out and I have left my coat at
home, content just in a snug hoodie. The British weather never fails to amaze
me; it can be summer in October and the middle of winter during July.
My bike is currently locked up by the huge
glass doors, swinging slightly in the breeze. Jay isn’t late, I had just
expected him to get here first. He usually does.
My phone starts to buzz and after seeing
Jay’s name lighting up the screen, I put the phone to my ear.
‘Feel free to say I told you so,’ he
grumbles unhappily. He sounds awful.
‘You sound like death.’ I raise an eyebrow.
‘Yeah, feel like it,’ Jay laughs. ‘Anyway,
I didn’t want you giving up on life, figuratively speaking, because I wasn’t
there so I sent a replacement. It’s not as good as the original, but then
again, nothing is,’ Jay explains, a little smugly.
As Jay finishes his sentence, a sleek,
black car arrives, speeding into the car park and beeping before disappearing
to look for a car park space.
‘Jay, I’m not going to jump off a bridge
because I missed a movie,’ I say dryly, my eyebrow raised although he can’t see
it.
‘Well how am I supposed to know? You may
really
want to see this movie.’
‘You’re an idiot.’
‘Oh stop, your compliments flatter me so,’
he adds mockingly. ‘Besides, it’s James Bond. I tried to get out of the house
this morning
because
it was James
Bond. The only reason I failed was because Mum is on watchdog duty,’ Jay sighs
irritably. ‘Anyway, enjoy.’ Then he hangs up.
I raise an eyebrow at my phone and look up,
my lips quirking upwards in amusement.
‘Of all the people, Jay sent his older
brother?’ I laugh as Blake approaches, running a hand through his hair and
winking. Blake can pull off the one hundred watt smile just as well as Jay can,
although when Blake does it, the notion sets off butterflies in my stomach.
‘Like he knows anyone cooler,’ Blake grins.
Suddenly the honking of the black car makes sense; I bet it was Blake’s.
‘Yeah, so cool that you have nothing better
to do than hang out with your brother’s mates because he can’t?’
‘Cooler,’ he smirks. ‘So what are we
seeing? I was thinking that, what with the absence of my wimpy brother, we
could watch something with a bit more entertainment value. You like horrors
right?’
‘What did you have in mind?’ I laugh,
folding my arms. Blake winks and points to an advertisement for a film with a
scary, disjointed looking girl on the front with dead eyes and rotting skin and
I shrug. ‘Go for it.’
We pay for our tickets and buy a large bag
of popcorn that Blake nearly drops when a small child takes him by surprise and
comes running around the corner, his high-pitched yelp-type-scream only adding
to his supposed coolness.
While the film is supposedly a horror,
Blake and I seem to be the only ones who
aren’t
scared stiff in our seats. In fact, we find the whole thing rather funny and
instead of jumping halfway towards the ceiling when something pops out, we just
burst into laughter, much to the annoyance of those around us.
After someone shouts at us, we stay ducked
in our seats and resort to stifling our laughter with mouthfuls of popcorn,
which doesn’t always work out. Of course that doesn’t stop us and pretty soon
we have fallen into whispers, filling in our own narrative of what we think the
characters are thinking or saying.
As soon as the lights come back up, Blake
takes my hand and we dart out of there, ignoring the glares as best we can. We
burst out of the cinema and share a look before bursting into fits of
unexplainable laughter.
‘Okay, next time you pick the film,’ Blake
snorts when he seems to have recovered. I haven’t yet, so instead of coming up
with a retort, I just nod with a wide grin on my face. ‘Come on, I’ll walk you
home.’
‘Didn’t you drive?’ I question with
confusion.
‘I’ll come back for it. Besides, I can’t
fit your bike in the boot,’ he shrugs. Seeing my confusion over how he knows I
biked here, he smirks. ‘Jay explained that you take that thing everywhere.’
‘It’s not a
thing,
’ I scowl. True, my bike isn’t in the best condition and is
pretty old, but it doesn’t deserve abuse either. I unchain the poor thing and
decide that as short-term payback, Blake can push it home.
‘Have you seen the state of it?’ Blake
laughs. Then his expression sobers. ‘Look, if Marty or anyone like that tries
anything again, let me know, okay?’
I snort. ‘What, so you can rough them up?’
I ask sceptically, trying to keep my voice light and skipping over that little
trip down memory lane.
We’re heading into uncharted territory.
With Jay it is easy, but I’m not so sure with Blake just yet and the change of
topic makes me feel slightly uneasy. Maybe it’s because Jay has seen me at my
worst, so I had nothing left to fear of him seeing me at my weakest and most
vulnerable. Blake hasn’t seen that side of me yet, and I’m not sure I’m ready
to share that part of myself with anyone else.
‘Thanks for what you did though, getting
them to back off,’ I add quietly, looking down at the ground. ‘Sorry I wasn’t,
erm… more grateful at the time?’
Blake laughs at my awkwardness. ‘Don’t
worry about it, sorry I didn’t know what to do. But what those guys were doing,
it wasn’t right.’ His face contorts again.
‘I’m used to it,’ I shrug. ‘It’s no big
deal,’ I lie.
‘It didn’t look like it,’ Blake replies
softly. ‘Neve, what did they do?’
I look up, my expression guarded, to see
Blake watching me carefully, waiting. I sigh.
‘How much has Jay told you?’ I ask, worried
about the answer. Blake blinks, confused with the question.
‘Just how great you are, how much you love
art and such, why?’
I smile then; Jay hasn’t spilled any of my
dark past to even his brother. One of the many thoughts weighing me down in my
mind is suddenly lifted.
‘Has he said anything about my family?’
‘Only that you live with your uncle.’
‘Right. My parents died a long time ago,
Martin was rubbing that little fact in when you came over,’ I explain bitterly.
I mentally evaluate whether to tell him about Alex or not, but decide to keep
it hidden for now.
Blake’s expression darkens. ‘Yeah, they do
that.’
I want to ask what he means, but his change
in demeanour stops me. Whatever it is, it isn’t a place Blake wants to revisit;
a feeling I’m well acquainted with.
‘How come those kids freaked out so much
when you approached?’ I ask instead, a brief flashback of Ben’s terrified face
coming to mind.
I ain’t scared of some
prissy boy.
Martin’s comment suddenly makes a lot more sense; Blake’s
family are stinky rich after all. ‘I mean, I know your Dad’s head of police or
whatever, but surely that isn’t enough to make them freak out like that?’
Blake’s face moulds into something between
light amusement and embarrassment. ‘It’s a long story, last time I was here I
got into a fight. You know Terrance Mitchell?’
Unfortunately I do, he’s twice as bad as
Martin and looks it too. Although he had mysteriously disappeared last summer,
rumours saying that someone had shaken him up so badly he’d lost his pride and
gone to find some new turf to boast about.
My mouth gapes open. ‘That was you?’ I ask
with genuine astonishment.
Blake shrugs. ‘He started a fight, I ended
it.’ Yet there is no pride in his voice, he just sounds, to put it simply,
grim.
Now Ben’s reaction is completely
understandable. Mitchell is one those guys who is rumoured to go around with
knives strapped to his belt, invincible in his own eyes and to those of his
followers. To take down someone like that would certainly shake up the rest of
them.
‘Wow, I don’t know whether to be impressed
or seriously concerned for my health,’ I say lightly, but Blake just shakes his
head.
‘Don’t be impressed.’ Then he looks up at
me in alarm. ‘But don’t be worried either, I mean, it’s not like I go beating
the crap out of every random guy…’ he rushes.
I laugh. ‘Relax, I get it. Everyone has bad
days. So Jay tells me you’re on your gap year?’ I ask instead, redirecting the
flow of conversation. Blake visibly relaxes at the change in topic and falls
back into his usual self, running a hand through his hair.
‘It’s not a gap year as such, I’m just not
up for university this year. Next year though I’ll be at Warwick, I was
accepted this year but they’ve agreed to hold a place for me.’
‘Nice,’ I reply, impressed. ‘To do what?’
‘Physics.’ Blake sees my expression and
laughs genuinely. ‘What? You think Jay’s the only smart one in the family?’
I grin and shake my head. ‘I just didn’t
have you down as the nerdy type.’
‘Oh, and what did you have me down as?’ he
raises an eyebrow.
‘I’m not sure,’ I admit. ‘Maybe the sporty
type?’
Blake makes a face. ‘I do the odd bits and
pieces, but overall try to avoid sport as much as possible.’
‘Pansy.’ I laugh as Blake pushes me
playfully which I return with a slap to his arm.
‘Don’t forget, I have Bessie here for
ransom.’ Blake warns, motioning to the bike he was still pushing along.
‘Bessie?’ I raise an eyebrow. ‘Did you just
name my bike?’
‘We have a grandma called Bessie, she’s a
complete nutcase but kinda lovable. It reminded me of your relationship with
this
thing.
So yes, Bessie it is.’
Can’t argue with that.
Happily, by Monday, Jay is back to his
usual self, just in time to experience the usual week-long buzz humming around
the school before we break up for Christmas.
Some of the teachers are festive enough to
put decorations up in their classrooms, lines of tinsel crossing the ceilings
and miniature Christmas trees and other novelty characters like snowmen sitting
on the edges of teacher’s desks. The art students have decorated the art block,
and paper chains dangle precariously. Cut out stars are stuck down with masking
tape to windows.
The younger years are buzzing especially,
as the last week before Christmas generally means cheesy films instead of any
actual work. For the sixth form though, it’s business as usual, but most of the
teachers have chilled out about deadlines and often Christmas music can be
heard pouring out of classrooms, lighting up the dreary corridors.
All around me, people just seem to be
happier. The week has flown by and people are running around, wanting to hand
out those last Christmas cards and presents before the holidays start. Some
people even smile or nod in my direction as I pass.
Personally, I’ve never been one for the
Christmas cheer; Charlie and I just don’t make a big deal out of it. It’s
always just been us on Christmas. We would hand over the few presents we had to
give and then spend the rest of day watching movies or just doing our own
thing. We don’t do the whole Christmas lunch, seeing as neither of us know how
to or even dare to attempt to cook a turkey, so we settle for snacks like
cocktail sausages and mince pies.
That then moves into New Years, which is
always spent at my Grandma’s house. She’s a snooty old witch who I’ve never
liked, mainly because, despite the obviously fake smile I’m always greeted
with, she hates me.
I can never truly work out why. I’ve always
boiled it down to two things though; either she has decided that my parent’s
car crash was my fault, or she blames me for dragging Charlie down over the
years.
My Grandma has high standards, and
Charlie’s lousy car sales job doesn’t make the cut, as much as it pays for the
bills, which she protests loudly against every time we go to see her.
I assume it’s that, or she just really
doesn’t like my hair.
Yet despite this, I’m in higher spirits
than I usually am. This is because of two things. Firstly, I haven’t heard from
my tormentor in a week. Nothing; no threatening, blaming or just plain abusive
texts. Nothing.
Although, I can’t decide if this is a good
or a bad thing. I mean, I’m glad they’ve stopped, more than glad, but something
keeps niggling at the back of my mind. Why would they spend all that time, put
all that energy into doing what they did, to just give it up without a moments
notice?
Then, of course, the second reason for my
good mood is that I have had a week filled with the Ellsworth boy’s madness.
I’m spending more time at their house or at the coffee shop than I am in my own
home.
But, as weird as it sounds, it’s not always
the boys who I end up hanging out with. Sometimes when they are too heavily
involved in one of their dumb video games, I would venture downstairs and
natter with Joy about silly things or help her with the cooking.
I often wonder what Blake gets up too when
Jay and I aren’t around or at school. The only conclusion I can come to is that
he’s glued to his games consol.
I’ve also narrowed down my college choices
to three, all within an hour’s drive of here. My plan is to apply over
Christmas and hope for the best. Emphasis on
hope
.
Walking down the corridors, I notice
posters for end of school bake sales or the advertising for the Christmas
school production, that had taken place last week, but no one has bothered to
take down.
So consumed in my own thoughts, I almost
scream when a thick piece of material is pulled over my head.
‘Jesus Christ!’ I yelp, lifting up the
material to find it’s actually a novelty Santa hat.
‘No, Jay Ellsworth. That’s Jesus Christ,’
Jay
tsk
s, trying hard to keep a
perfectly straight face as he points over to the lit up figure pinned up on the
door to a Religious Studies classroom. ‘But I can see how you may get confused,
I do seem to glow with power,’ he winks.
‘More like arrogance,’ I retort, taking off
the ridiculous hat and crushing it against his chest. He does his Oscar winning
broken-heart act and takes the hat back, wearing it proudly on his own head.
‘Scrooge,’ he accuses before heading off.
‘Gotta run, I’ll see you later!’
‘Idiot!’ I call, laughing as he disappears.
The final school bell of twenty-twelve has
just rung, but despite this there are still students milling around, or waiting
in large groups for others to tag along before venturing for a celebratory
lunch in town, since it’s a half-day.
I’m currently passing through the sixth
form block on the way to the bike shed when my phone charms in my pocket. Glancing
down, my good mood shatters into thousands of tiny pieces.
A huge lump builds in the back of my
throat, and shakily I press down on the ‘
open
’
button.
News
just in. Anybody noticed that new hottie Neve Willows has been hanging around
with? Anybody wondering how this mysterious pair met? I’ll give you a hint, it
wasn’t your usual Cinderella story, unless Cindy took a leap at death just at
the right moment to drop straight into her Prince’s arms. Wondering how this
tragedy for that attention-seeking whore will end? Why don’t you ask Charming
yourself?
My first reaction isn’t to burst into
tears, or fall on the ground, or scream. No, it’s far worse. My first reaction
is to look up.
Every student in the sixth form block has
their phone out, either staring disbelievingly or sniggering. A few just look
disgusted, whether its disgust at the actions laid down in the text or the text
itself, I don’t bother to find out.
Every student in the sixth form has just
been sent that text. Every single student in the sixth form knows about my… I
don’t know what to call it, the words
attempted
suicide
just feel like acid burning my insides.
I don’t stick around to take in anymore of
the reactions and fly down the hall, just in time to pass by Kai and her group.
I press against the wall to let them through, but don’t miss Kai’s words,
although she barely acts as if I existed.
‘I always wondered when Jay would get over
her, glad he’s finally come to his senses.’ Her laugh drums through my ears,
but her words hit harder.
I
trusted him
, my mind reminds me bitterly.
He told everyone
.
Before my body can betray me, I run to the
bike shed and unlock my bike, riding away from the texts and the stares and the
whispers. I push myself, going as fast as I can, anywhere away from
there
.
In an instant I find myself at mine and
Alex’s hill.
Mine and Alex’s. Not Jay’s.
I reach its peek before my knees finally
give way and I collapse on the dirt, holding my head in my hands and trying to
muffle the violent, angry sobs escaping my body.
I
trusted him
, my minds screams at me, as if I don’t know it already.
Everything that had happened over the past
two weeks has been a big, fat, huge, awful lie and I’m paying the price for
being so stupid.
Because I am stupid, aren’t I? I was an
idiot to think that after what had happened to Alex, I could ever be happy
again. Stupid to think that I could ever move on and have a damn future.
My hands scrunch up into tiny fists, my
nails digging into my palms as I try desperately to stop the shaking.
Every muscle, every organ and every thought
just
hurts
. This is a completely
different pain to that of losing Alex. Losing Alex had been agony. This is so
much darker, and plucks at my heartstrings one by one. It feels as if someone
has just torn apart the newly closed stitches, letting out everything I’ve
tried to put behind me over these weeks.
How can they have known? How can my
tormentor have possibly known about that night on the bridge? Only two people
know. Me and Jay. I certainly haven’t passed it on to anyone else.
A new wave of pain floods over me, causing
the tears that I have almost kept at bay to come rushing out at an unstoppable
pace.
I
deserve this.
‘Neve!’ a strained voice calls. Someone
drops down beside me, resting a hand on my shoulder.
I flinch away from their touch,
straightening up and rounding angrily on the only person who could possibly
know I’m up here.
That’s
what you get for showing him this place. That’s what you get for letting him
in.
I run a hand through my hair and quickly
wipe at my eyes before facing Jay.
His cheeks are red and warm from running
and his eyes are filled with fear and worry. His mouth has lost its usual cocky
grin and hangs open as if he wants to say something but doesn’t know how.
I can’t stand to look at him.
‘Get off of me!’ I scream at Jay, shrinking
away and turning around, almost tripping on my own two feet because I’m shaking
so much.
‘Neve, please,’ Jay begs, running up behind
me. I round on him then, not being able to stop the tears that are prickling at
my eyes.
‘Leave me alone, you Bastard. I never want
to see you again!’ I yell, straining my voice muscles so they hurt as well.
Everything else is hurting, they may as well join the party.
‘Please, let me explain-’
‘There’s nothing to explain. I trusted you
and that was a mistake. Just have your gloat and
leave me the hell alone
.’
‘I didn’t tell anyone anything! I swear.
You have to trust me-’
‘Trust you?’ I shout in disbelief, a
humourless, twisted laugh leaving my lips. ‘I can’t trust anyone, Jay. That’s
who I am! I don’t even know your damn first name, how can you expect me to
trust
you?’
He just stands there, dumbstruck and
without an answer.
I stand there too, waiting.
I want to move but I just can’t. I
want
him to give me an answer, to tell
me why I should trust him. I want a reason to believe him.
But he says nothing.
I shake my head and turn away, taking about
ten agonising steps before he finally finds his voice and speaks.
Just one word.
‘Jeremiah.’ That’s all I hear him say, so
quietly I almost miss it.
Confused, I slowly turn around to face him
again.
‘Jay is short for Jeremiah,’ he explains
sheepishly.
I sniff and wipe my eyes. ‘That’s a stupid
name.’
He chuckles slightly. ‘I know, it makes me
feel like a seventy-year-old with round glasses and a pipe,’ he admits shyly.
Seeing he has my attention, he closes the gap and grips my arms. ‘Neve, I
haven’t said a single thing to anyone. I promise you that.’
I look into his green eyes and try to read
them as best I can. Then I just nod, not trusting myself to do anything else as
the waterworks start again. Relief passes over him and he envelops me in a huge
hug. I rest my head against his chest as he holds me, breathing him in and
trying to calm myself. My palms are throbbing from where I have been gripping
them so tightly.
‘Who did this?’ Jay whispers softly into my
hair, still holding me tight as if I might break at any moment.
‘I don’t know,’ I reply helplessly, shaking
my head. ‘The only thing I can guess at is that it has something to do with
Alex, but I don’t… I don’t know…’
‘Has anything like this happened before?’
he asks softly.
Yes
, I think.
‘No,’ I lie, glad that I’m still attached
to his chest so I don’t have to lie to his face. I don’t know whether to trust
Jay or not. To be honest I’m not sure about anything at the moment, all of my
emotions feel as if they’ve spent weeks going around in a washing machine.
If these texts have shown me anything, it’s
that some things are best kept hidden, never to see the light of day.
Jay pauses a moment, evaluating whether to
ask the next question or not.
‘Neve, what happened to Alex?’
Instead of answering I shake my head
violently. ‘No, I can’t. I can’t do that to him…’ I tremble, sobbing heavily
into Jay’s shirt.
The truth is that I’m not the only who had
secrets. Alex had his fair share, dark secrets he couldn’t share with anyone,
or even admit to himself half of the time. He couldn’t even bare to tell me,
and when he did it was too late for me to help.
But I can’t do that to Alex now. Those
secrets aren’t mine to tell.
Jay just murmurs words of understanding
before following them with things such as, ‘ssh, it’ll be okay,’ and ‘you’re
okay now, you’re safe.’