Authors: Joanna Sellick
‘No’ I frown. ‘But it wasn’t hard to work
out who had done-’
‘But then you can’t know for certain.’ He
cuts me off, looking at me again. ‘Anything could have happened that night, a
mugging gone wrong or something, you can’t blame yourself. And you say that
Alex was trying to help you out? He was being a good friend, I’m sure he would
have done anything to keep you safe. What would he say if he could see you
now?’
I snort. ‘He would say I was being
ridiculous, but-’
‘Well then.’ He smiles. Then jay pauses
before asking his next question. ‘Do you ever feel like… going back to the
bridge?’
I know what he’s trying to ask; do I feel
suicidal again?
I sigh. ‘It wasn’t a decision I made last
time, it just sort of happened,’ I point out. ‘I just guess it got to a point
where life just didn’t seem like an option anymore. I have nothing to stay here
for,’ I say bitterly.
Jay nods in understanding before a smile
spreads across his lips and he jumps up.
‘You have everything to live for, don’t
ever doubt that,’ he tells me, holding out a hand for me to use to pull myself
up. ‘And I, Jay, will make it my life’s mission to show you, Red, that. I’m
going to show you how to live again,’ he says determinedly as I get up. I
regard him with amusement.
‘I feel as if I should burst into song, A
Whole New World or something,’ I utter sarcastically, raising an eyebrow.
‘Well if you are, don’t sing that. If you
take the magic carpet away its just sex,’ he points out. I look at him
incredulously for more of an explanation. ‘
Unbelievable
sights… Indescribable feelings… soaring, tumbling, freewheeling
-’
‘Okay, okay. Childhood ruined,’ I laugh,
putting my hands up in surrender. I walk up to the edge of the hill and look
down at the view. A moment of comfortable silence passes us again as I think
over his words.
‘Neve, the reason we moved wasn’t for the
change of scenery. I-’ Jay admits suddenly, frowning at himself as if arguing
inside his head with his thoughts. Then he sighs and shakes his head. ‘My aunt
is ill, she doesn’t have long so Mum wanted to come down to see her, you know?
I probably should have said something earlier instead of using that excuse but
I…I…’ he struggles, trying to put his thoughts into words.
‘I understand,’ I say softly, because I do.
Sometimes, you just don’t want people to know you are hurting. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘Cancer,’ he says quietly. ‘Brain tumour,’
he adds, tapping his forehead.
‘I’m sorry,’ I say truthfully. He nods and
looks past me, over the town and somewhere far away from here.
‘Have you ever wondered about what will
happen after you die? I want to do something in my life that people will
remember, something that says I was here. I don’t want to just be another face,
you know?’ he says randomly.
I shrug. ‘I’ve never really though about
it, I can’t think of anything good that I’ll be remembered for. But you’ve
already done something amazing; you’ve decided to be friends with me,’ I say
dryly. ‘So I would say you’re already part way there.’
Jay smiles back at me and wraps an arm
around me.
‘So, Red, ready to be shown the world
again?’ he grins.
‘Can’t wait’ I chuckle.
And the strange thing is, I really can’t.
Jay drives me home and I drag my bike
inside, leaning it against the wall in the hallway, smiling to myself. We live
in a small but cosy two bedroom house squashed beside two other two bedroom
houses in a long line of two bedroom houses. I like it though because the house
never feels empty and it isn’t a heap of a dump like most orphans or
troubled-kid clichés live in.
Having said that, it isn’t Beverly Hills
either; especially when Charlie forgets to clean.
I hear the TV going in the living room so I
swing around the doorway to find Charlie lounging on the sofa, half a cold
pizza lying in its box and a bowl of popcorn on his lap. I sometimes forget
that Charlie is still young; his life hasn’t really started either.
‘What are we watching?’ I announce cheerily,
plopping down on the opposite end of the sofa. I start to demolish the last of
the pizza while Charlie regards me curiously.
Normally when I get in, I go straight
upstairs without a word, so I don’t take offence at Charlie’s surprise that I’m
starting a conversation. Or even making an appearance for that matter.
He mumbles the title under his breath, but
I’ve already guessed it and I grin as Colin Firth jumps into a lake. Anyone
alive knows the scene from
Love Actually.
I raise my eyebrow questioningly.
Charlie turns red and tries to hide under
his thick, brown, curly hair. I guess you could say Charlie is cute; he has a
boyish face and chocolate browns eyes that women seem to melt over, although he
never seems to get past the first date.
‘I guess it didn’t work out with Lisa
then?’ I smirk.
‘She talked too much,’ Charlie shrugs,
popping a piece of popcorn in his mouth. ‘
And
just to make myself clear, I was watching
Insidious
but that finished and then this came on and I left the remote over there so…’
‘You were too lazy to get up and grab the
remote yet you managed to find the energy to get up and make popcorn?’ I
enquire. The popcorn is warm and obviously still fresh. Charlie frowns.
‘Alright, Sherlock, shouldn’t you be
sulking somewhere anyway? Isn’t that what teenagers do?’
I roll my eyes. ‘You watch too much TV. And
don’t talk to me about stereotypes; you’re like a walking thirty-year-old
version of those US comedy characters,’ I quip. ‘If you still lived with
Grandma you’d be Howard from
The Big Bang
theory.’
‘I’m only thirty when I’m at home. When I’m
at the club I’m twenty-five,’ Charlie informs me.
‘Twenty-five is pushing it a bit don’t you
think?’ The comment earns me a handful of popcorn in the face. Then we burst
into laughter and I hit Charlie with one of the sofa cushions.
‘Oh shush, we’re missing the movie!’
Charlie chastises, making a dramatic motion of watching the TV intently. I
smile to myself.
‘Charlie?’
‘Yeah?’
‘I know I don’t say it enough, but thanks.
For everything.’
He looks up in bewilderment before his lips
settle into a soft smile. ‘Don’t mention it, Kiddo.’
I smile back and we just settle into
watching the soppy movie in comfortable silence.
The next morning I fall into my usual
routine, grabbing a piece of toast before heading out of the door and cycling
to school. I have a free first period so find myself in the library. I
shouldn’t have been surprised when Jay pops into the seat opposite me.
‘So, I spent the whole of last night
figuring out how to go about this,’ he grins, referring to his new life
mission. ‘And then I thought, hey, spontaneous road trip.’ He leans back in
triumph, resting his hands behind his head as if he owned the place.
‘Uh-huh,’ I respond doubtfully, ‘where to
exactly?’
‘Red, you really need to listen more. It’s
spontaneous
. We could go anywhere,
wherever you like. We pack a bag, set off tomorrow morning and get back Sunday
evening.’ Jay smirks.
I raise an eyebrow. ‘Need I remind you, I
don’t know you, yet you’re asking me to go on a road trip the weekend after we
first meet? For all I know, you could be a crazy axe-murderer,’ I point out,
grinning.
‘Crazy, quite possibly.
But
the axe-murderer thing?
Not my style. On the plus side, I’m one sexy
piece of ass, so if worst comes to worst you’ll be safe in the knowledge that
you’ll have a pretty face to gaze upon in your last moments,’ he reasons,
sending me a dazzling smile.
‘You do realise that referring to yourself
as ‘sexy,’ really doesn’t make you sexy?’ I smirk, shaking my head.
‘Ouch, Red,’ he whistles, putting his hand
to his heart and feigning heartbreak. ‘Well, since you’re in such an awful mood
I shall go and join the rest of society and try to mend my bleeding heart. But
seriously, road trip this weekend; in or out?’
I peer up at him for a moment just to make
sure he is deadly serious about this. His green eyes are glistening in
excitement and I half want to say, ‘screw this, let’s leave right now.’ But I
don’t.
‘I’ll talk to Charlie,’ I tell him. He
grins before disappearing off to
the rest
of society,
as he put it.
As I watch him leave I wonder if I’m doing
the right thing. I mean, taking off for a weekend away with a strange boy I met
a few nights ago sounds ridiculous, not too mention crazy and stupid. If I had
parents I’m certain they would ground me on the spot. And how the hell am I
going to persuade Charlie this was a good idea? Then again, Nadine had been
nagging at me to
meet new people
. I
wonder if this is what she had in mind.
I grimace at the thought of my counsellor
and the knowledge that come Tuesday, I’m going to have to explain this all to
her.
Having a counsellor is as normal to me as
having Charlie as my only family; it’s something I have grown up with. Having
no parents can really mess up a kid.
It used to affect me a lot more than it
does now. I used to scream and cry at Charlie, demanding to know where my
parents were or what he had done with them. I had blamed him, shouted at him
and even lashed out at him a few times.
As I grew older the pain that their absence
caused started to diffuse until it became just a numb feeling I kept pressed
down along with everything else. I came to accept that crying and screaming
over it wouldn’t make any difference, it wouldn’t bring them back. Nothing
would.
Slowly I started to see that Charlie was
trying to protect me and look after me rather than keeping me any sort of
prisoner, keeping me deliberately away from my parents. Things happen; it was
just another
thing
I had to deal
with.
Eventually my sessions started to sizzle
and I began walking on my own two feet, but then Alex died and I felt like I
had been thrown back several years, back into the body of a child who couldn’t
comprehend what was happening in her world. That’s when I ended up with Nadine.
My phone buzzes in my pocket and I pull
myself out of my thoughts, staring down at the screen.
So
that’s it, now you’ve found someone else you think you can forget about Alex?
Wow, I didn’t believe you were that much of a stupid bitch.
I finish reading and my head immediately
snaps up, surveying the heads in the library. A few people have their phones
out, but they are either lying on the desk or belong to those annoying year
sevens.
Shaking my head, I slot my phone back into
my pocket and rest my elbows on the table, closing my eyes and pinching the
bridge of my nose.
‘Shut up,’ I mutter.
I breathe deeply. I’m turning over a new
leaf, I not going to respond to my tormentor anymore. I’m turning over a new
leaf.
I groan out loud, ignoring the few odd
stares I get, when my phone buzzes for the second time.
You
can ignore me all you like, Neve, but it won’t change a thing. It won’t change
what you did, what you should have done or what you didn’t do. You think you
can be happy? Don’t kid yourself, you’re pathetic.
The words sink into me like a bullet and I
drop my phone on the table. They’re right. Who am I kidding? I can’t turn over
a new leaf. My past will always be haunting me and besides, I don’t deserve any
of it. I don’t deserve the happiness that I have deprived Alex of.
‘On second thoughts, the rest of society
isn’t looking so great,’ Jay announces, appearing out of nowhere and sliding
back into his seat as if he had never left. Then he notices my expression and
frowns. ‘Neve, are you okay?’
I try for a smile, gazing at this strange
boy in front of me who is so ready to just show me the world. To put in all
this effort for a girl he’d only just met.
‘I just…’ I start, trailing off as I try to
find the right words. ‘I just think this whole thing is a bad idea. You don’t
know a thing about me and I think that if you did you wouldn’t want to get
caught up in my crap. Maybe it’s better if we just forget about the whole
thing.’
He stares for a moment in deep thought, the
cheerful smirk gone. Jay shifts in his chair before speaking again.
‘I just want to help, I can’t let you…’ he
trails off, something catching in his throat. ‘M-my aunt, she’s going to die
soon, she doesn’t get a choice in that. Maybe my reasons are selfish, but I
can’t stand by and watch someone who actually has a choice make the wrong one.
I can’t move on without knowing I haven’t tried to help you-’
‘I’m not a charity project,’ I interject
softly, my eyes beginning to tear up.
‘I never said you were.’ He replies sadly.
‘But the girl I saw on the bridge that night? That wasn’t someone who made a
conscious decision to be up there. That was the look of a girl, who didn’t
necessarily want to be rescued, but just wanted to be shown that she mattered.
Because that girl on the bridge, she does matter. I understand if I can’t help
you, that you don’t want me to. But know this, you
do
matter, Neve, no matter what happened before, or what anyone
tells you. I just want to be able to show you that.’ Then he collects his books
and silently leaves the library.
I watch him leave with disbelieving eyes.
Then I slam my head against the table.
Damnit, why do I have to screw everything
up? Swearing endlessly at myself, I make it through the day, although I don’t
see Jay again. Finally, I reach home. Charlie looks as if he’s only gotten in
himself and is lazing about on the sofa, flicking through the channels while
his only suit begins to crease.
‘Do you do anything else other than watch
TV?’ I ask sceptically, dumping my bag in the hall and collapsing on the sofa
beside him.
‘I work,’ he replies, pointing at his suit
but not taking his eyes off the TV. I roll my eyes and build up the courage to
let the next words roll off my tongue.
‘Charlie? Can I go away this weekend, with
a friend?’ I say in a rush. He looks at me with surprise before shrugging.
‘Sure why not, it will be good for you to
get out. Where exactly?’
‘Just on a road trip, we’ll only be a few
hours away at the most,’ I inform him. I don’t even know the answer to the
question myself.
‘Okay, as long you keep in contact and let
me know what’s going on,’ Charlie reasons. ‘Since when did you socialise
anyway? And I’ll need her parent’s contact details.’
Ah, Charlie thinks my mysterious friend is
a girl.
‘I have… acquaintances…’ I mumble. ‘They’re
new in town which is why you won’t know them. And she is actually a… erm… he…’
Now Charlie looks away from the screen. He
frowns uneasily and turns the TV off.
‘I feel as if I should say no here…’
‘Charlie!’ I whine, pouting.
‘Let me get this straight; you want to go
on a road trip with someone I’m assuming you haven’t known for very long. Who is
also a guy,’ he says slowly.
‘Please Charlie. He isn’t an axe-murderer,
I’ve checked,’ I add light-heartedly.
‘This isn’t a joke, Neve,’ Charlie
chastises. ‘I could get in serious trouble with Nadine if anything goes wrong,
I know what guys his age are like.’
‘Nothing is going to happen! And you’re
scared of Nadine?’ I smirk, folding my arms curiously.
‘She’s a scary lady,’ he shrugs. ‘Besides,
what would your father say?’ he frowns.
‘My father would say no, but you aren’t my
father, you’re my cool uncle.’ I grin, my most dazzling smile plastered on my
lips. Charlie still looks torn so I decide to go in for the guilt-trip. ‘Please
Charlie, Jay’s my first friend since Alex died. And from a psychological point
of view, denying me this could set me back years to a point I might never be
able to make friends again because of this underlying fear you’ll never be able
to accept them and-’
‘Okay!’ Charlie laughs, cutting off my
little fictional psychology rant. ‘Okay you can go, but that is the last time
you guilt trip me into anything. And I want continual updates throughout the
weekend and if anything happens-’