Here With Me (27 page)

Chapter Thirty-Seven

H
er mother’s pick-up was in the driveway when she returned from Cole’s.  Taking a deep breath, she eased her car beside it.  There was no need to avoid the conversation anymore.  Her mom knew she’d been accepted.  She knew Mallory and Cole had argued about it.  It was time she knew Mallory wanted to go through with it.

The TV was buzzing quietly when she walked in. 
There was fumbling in the kitchen and she peeked in, seeing her mother pouring herself a cup of coffee.  She turned around when she heard Mallory behind her and her mouth stayed in an uncertain line when their eyes met.  They hadn’t spoken since the commotion in the living room the night before. 

“Hey, Mom,” she said nervously.

“Hi,” she returned, taking a sip.

“I need to talk to you about last night.  Do you have a minute?”

“Of course,” her mother said, following her into the living room.  They sat side by side on the couch and Mallory could feel the tension between them. 

“I was just at Cole’s house,” she began and Mallory saw her mother straighten a little. “I broke things off with us.”

Her mother breathed in deeply, but she didn’t say anything.  Instead, she just nodded her head.

“I thought things might be able to work between us, but I just couldn’t make it work, Mom.  I’m sorry.  I know you wanted us together, but…I can’t stay with him to make you happy,” she said bluntly.

“I can’t say I’m happy and I can’t say I’m surprised either,” she said a few moments later. “I love Cole.  I think he’s good for you, but, like you said, you can’t stay with him for my sake.”  Mallory was surprised by her mother’s tame reaction.  She expected her to fly off the handle and berate her for making such a stupid decision.  She’d been different since her accident though.  Maybe this was that difference showing through.  “I have to apologize to you, Mallory.” This got Mallory’s attention and she sat up, staring inquisitively at her mother.

“For what?”

“Pressuring you.
  Trying to force my opinion on you.”

“You don’t need to apologize, Mom.  You were only looking out for me.”

“Just let me apologize.  Please,” her mother said insistently. “You are a wonderful daughter.  I could not ask for a better daughter.  And you probably don’t think I realize this, but I know how much you’ve given up for me.” Mallory heard her mother’s voice choke up and she felt a lump forming in her throat as well. “I should’ve been the one taking care of you.  Even before I got sick, it was always you…and Paige, until she took off to Connecticut.” Her mom tried to smile.  She never talked about Paige’s escape, but Mallory knew it bothered her. “I wasn’t a very good mother to you girls.” A tear rolled down her mother’s cheek and Mallory wrapped her arms around her. 

“Don’t say tha
t, Mom.  You were a great mom.”

“Don’t sugarcoat it, Mal.  If I could go back and change the decisions I made, I would.”

“You can’t change the past, Mom, so don’t dwell on it.  You are who you are and as frustrating as it is sometimes, I love you for it.”

A slight smile grew on her mother’s face and Mallory squeezed her hand.

“I’m sorry though, even if I can’t change anything.  I want to thank you for everything too.  I’ve always been able to rely on you and you’ve done it without question.  I just wish you hadn’t had to give everything up to take care of me, especially when I was so ungrateful.”

Mallory swallowed through the lump in her throat.  There had been times when she was resentful of her mother, times she felt taken for granted and underappreciated.  To hear her mom apologize for it all made Mallory feel better, knowing her mom did appreciate all she did for her.  It also made her feel guilty for the anger she had sometimes felt.

“Let’s just forget about the past, okay, Mom?  Let’s just focus on the future because that’s what matters now.  You’re healthy and that’s what’s important.”

Her mother just smiled timidly before embracing Mallory once more.  When they pulled apart, Mallory felt her eyes brimming with tears.  She finally felt like things were on track between them the way she always wished they’d been and now she was about to pull the rug out from under it.

“What’s the matter, Mal?” her mother said, stroking her hair gently.

“I want to go, Mom.  I want to do Doctors
Without Borders,” she said softly.  Her mother’s hand froze and slowly fell into her lap.  It was quiet and the silence was agonizing.

“I know you do and you should go,” her mother finally said.  Mallory blinked and the tears gently rolled down her cheeks.

“But what about you?” she asked, wiping the tears away with her sleeve.

“I’ll be fine.  I’ll manage.  I’ll even move in with your grandmother if I can’t manage on my own.”

“But, Mom…”

“No buts, Mallory,” she said taking her daughter’s hand. “It looks like you’ve already forgotten about our conversation.  You need to focus on you for a change and as much as I don’t want you to go,” she said with an uneasy laugh. “I know you need to. I’ll miss you.  I’ll miss your constant nagging and I’ll miss you always checking on me.  I’ll worry too.  I probably won’t get a wink of sleep while you’re gone because I’ll be sick with worry, but you need to do this.
  It’s time you live your dreams.  Everything will be fine here and hopefully you’ll decide to return to us when you’re done.”

The tears were flowing now and Mallory reached ov
er and pulled her mother to her.

“I love you, Mom.  So much,” she said between sniffles.

“I love you more.”

****

Mallory stared at her phone.  She wanted to let Ryan know she was going to do it.  It was all because of him after all.  Had he not decided to send in the application, none of this would be happening.  She’d still be telling herself she was supposed to be with Cole and she’d never leave Kennebunkport.  Ryan needed to know his gamble had paid off and she wanted to thank him.

She knew she couldn’t call him again.  That would be too awkward.  Texting was the only way. 
Nervously opening her phone, she found him in the contact list. 

Just thought you’d like to know I’m going through with it.  Thank you.

She took a deep breath before pushing the send button.  Her mind began reeling, wondering how he’d respond…wondering if he would respond at all.

A few moments
later, the phone rang.  Her heart started pounding as she saw Ryan’s number flash across the screen, not anticipating this response.

“Hey,” she said nervously as she answered the phone.

“I got your text.” She closed her eyes as his voice melted over her.

“I just thought you’d like to know.”

“I appreciate that.  I’m happy to hear you’re doing it.  I think you’ll be amazing.”

He was so supportive and so good and she missed him. 

“Thanks for the vote of confidence.”

“Do you know where you’ll be going?

“Not yet.  I haven’t even contacted them.  I’ll do that tomorrow.  I just made the decision today.”

“Will you do me a favor?”

“What’s that?” she asked curiously.

“Will you keep me posted?  Will you let me know you’re okay?”

She blinked and swallowed hard as a tear escaped, but she wiped it away quickly, trying to compose herself.  She didn’t want Ryan to hear the sadness in her voice.

“I’ll do that,” she promised.

“Take care of yourself, Mallory,” he said quietly.

“You too.”
  The line was quiet then and Mallory stared down at her phone.  She’d just hung up with him, but she already missed the sound of his voice.  She opened the pictures on the phone and clicked on one of her and Ryan on the bridge in New Hampshire.  He’d forwarded it to her in one of the many texts she’d ignored after they’d broken up.  He was trying to show her what she was missing and as she looked at her face in the photo, she realized how happy she looked.  Ryan did as well.  She thought back to Ryan writing on the bridge. 
No matter what happens, we’ll always have here.
  He couldn’t have been more right. 

Chapter Thirty-Eight

Mall
ory stared at the luggage on the floor.  Everything she’d need for the next six months was in the old suitcase and duffle bag.  She still couldn’t believe that at this time the next day, she’d be on a plane on her way to Brazil.  She was excited, but also scared as hell.

It’d been nearly three months since she’d received the acceptance letter and her life had changed.  She had spent those months getting ready and preparing herself for her new life.  The time had finally come and there was no turning back. 

Her family had insisted on throwing her a goodbye dinner, at Mabel’s, of course.  Even Paige had come up for the occasion, much to Mallory’s surprise.

“So, you’re really going through with this?”

She turned around to see Paige standing in the doorway.  They hadn’t said much to each other when Paige’s family had arrived in Kennebunkport the night before.  Her words from the time of their mother’s stroke still stung.  While Mallory had tried to let go of the hateful things Paige had said, she couldn’t forget.

“I don’t think I’d have the guts, Mal,” Paige said, walking in and sitting on Mallory’s bed. “I mean, do they even have regular toilets in Brazil?”

“Don’t be dense.  Of course they have regular toilets.”

“Well, that’s a relief,” Paige laughed.

Mallory stood looking at her sister, wondering what she wanted.  Paige didn’t look like she was in attack mode, but she still couldn’t figure out her motive and the room remained uncomfortably quiet.

“I’m gonna head over to Mabel’s.  Grandma said to be there by six o’clock,” Mallory said, turning to head downstairs.

“Mallory…wait,” Paige called out.

“What is it?” she asked, looking back at her sister.

“I…I need to apologize to you,” Paige began and then paused for a moment before continuing. “For how I treated you when mom was sick.”

Mallory stared at her sister in disbelief.  She couldn’t recall ever hearing her sister apologize for anything.

“I’m sorry.  I’m sorry for blaming you.  I’m sorry for everything.  I just up and left, but you stayed here and took care of mom.  I should’ve thanked you, not blamed you.”

“Okay.  Who are you and what
have you done with my sister?” Mallory said with a laugh.  She didn’t know what else
to
say. 

“I guess I deserve that,” Paige said
. “I am sorry though and I am proud of you for what you’re doing.  Just be careful though.  Promise?”

“I promise.”

Paige stood up and walked across the room, wrapping her arms around her younger sister.  Paige had never hugged her, but Mallory was glad she was now. 

“Mom!
  C’mon!” Paige’s son whined from downstairs. “I’m starving!”

“We’ll be right down,” Paige called and then looked back at Mallory. “Anyway…I just wanted to apologize before I couldn’t get a word in edgewise at dinner.”

“Thanks for coming.  I’m glad you guys are here.”

“We wouldn’t have missed it,” Paige smiled and then took Mallory’s hand and led her downstairs.

****

“You’d better get your fill.  I doubt they have clams as good as Mabel’s in Brazil,” Grandma Jane said, reaching across the table for another slider. 

“I’ve already had so much, I think I’m gonna burst,” Mallory said, leaning back and patting her stomach.

“You’d better not be full.  We’ve still got cake to eat,” her mother chimed in.

“You guys really didn’t need to do all this,” Mallory said, wishing her family hadn’t made such a big deal about her leaving.

“Yes, we did.  It’s going to be a long time before we’re all together again,” Grandma Jane added and Mallory smiled, knowing she was right.

“Hey.  You got room for one more?”

Mallory looked up and saw Cole standing there.  He was smiling and looking down at her.  She was happy to see him and she smiled back.

“Of course,” she answered and Cole sat down across the table. 

She wasn’t sure he’d make it or not.  When he’d found out she was going to Brazil, Mallory could tell he tried to be supportive, but she could still hear the doubt and worry in his voice.  When she invited him to her farewell dinner, he’d said he’d try to get away.  He was about to start an internship and she knew he was busy, but she was glad he’d made it.  She’d only seen him once since their break-up, but they’d texted and talked regularly and she was happy she’d get to say good-bye to him in person.

“You made it just in time for cake,” her mom said cheerfully, raising her hand to Cathy, who brought the cake over. 

Mallory looked around the restaurant, wishing Kenna could be there too.  Mabel’s still w
asn’t the same without her and Mallory couldn’t get used to going there and not seeing her friend.  Kenna was still doing well in New York and had been ecstatic when she found out Mallory was going to Brazil.  She’d squealed so loudly into the phone when Mallory told her, she thought her ear drum might burst. 

Still, even without Kenna, Mallory looked around the table at her mom, her grandmother, even her sister and Cole, and realized that although her family wasn’t perfect, she loved them and she would miss them.  She’d never been away for more than a month and even that had been a rare occasion.  Six months seemed like a lifetime, but she was ready and she couldn’t wait.

****

Paige and her family left as soon as the cake had been eaten. 
The kids needed to get to bed, but the rest had stayed and talked for a while before her mother and Grandma Jane left.  Her mom still got tired easily and Mallory was relieved she wasn’t pushing it.  Even though she’d see her in the morning, her mother held onto her in a way she never had before while saying goodbye for the evening.  Mallory squeezed back tightly before they finally let go. 

“I’m really glad you could come, Cole,” Mallory said once they were alone at the table.

“I wouldn’t miss the chance to see you off,” he said with the ever warm Cole smile. 

“I know it wasn’t easy for you to get away.”

“No, it wasn’t, but like I said, there’s no way I’d let you take off for six months without saying goodbye in person.”

She reached over and squeezed his hand for a moment.  It wasn’t as awkward as she thought it might be.  They both knew whatever they’d had was over, even if it was easier on her than him.  She was just grateful they could still be friends.

“I’m gonna miss you, Cole.”

“Not as much as I’m gonna miss you, Mal.  Promise me you’ll try and keep in touch while you’re away.”

“Of course I will.  I don’t know if I’ll be able to call much, but I’ll email you or send letters when I can.  I’m not sure what the technology situation will be down there.”

“I’ll hold you to it.”

It was quiet for a moment before Mallory looked at her watch and realized it was getting late. 

“I should probably head home.  My flight leaves at nine, so I’ve
gotta be up early to get to the airport.”

“Yeah, I need to get going to
o.  I’m only in town till tomorrow, so I suppose I should spend some time with Mr. and Mrs. Hollins,” he said and they both laughed. 

They walked out to the parking lot, Mallory stopping to give Cathy a hug before leaving the restaurant.  Cole walked her to her car and she reached over and hugged him. 

“Thank you for everything, Cole.”

“Stay safe, Mallory.”

“I will,” she said.  He held her tightly and then let go.  “You go ahead and go.  I’m just going to walk down to the beach for a moment.”

“Do you want some company?”

“No, thanks though.  I know it sounds corny, but I want to say goodbye…on my own.”

He nod
ded and then hugged her again, a pit forming in her stomach as she watched him walk away.  Once he’d driven off, she took a deep breath and began walking slowly towards the black water.

She pulled her coat tighter as she neared the ocean.  It was January and definitely not the best time for a walk on the beach, but she needed to see her ocean one more time.  She knew she’d be surrounded by beautiful beaches in Brazil, but they wouldn’t be her beach.  It wouldn’t be Kennebunkport and she wanted to take it all in before she left. 

Not surprisingly, the beach was deserted.  The sky was clear though and the moonless night allowed for an impressive display of stars.  It was beautiful and she couldn’t comprehend that she wouldn’t see this sky again for six months.  She’d waited a lifetime to leave, but now that it was time, she was scared. 

“You shouldn’t be out here alone,” a deep voice said. 
Turning her head, she saw a black silhouette approaching and her heart started pounding.  She couldn’t see his face, but she knew the voice instantly.  As he stepped closer, the lights from Mabel’s began to illuminate his face.  The shadows slowly crept across it and she took in a deep breath as she realized it was him.

“Ryan?” she said, but her voice was barely above a whisper. 

“Hey,” he said, stopping a few feet from her.

“What are you doing here?” she stammered.

“I heard you’re leaving tomorrow,” he said and she stared at him curiously. 

“How…how’d you know?”

“I have my ways,” he said with a slow smile and she nodded.  Ryan always had his ways. 

“But…I mean, why?  You came all this way,” she continued to stutter.  It had been nearly six months since she’d seen him.  Six months since everything had changed. 

“The Bushes were coming back for a couple of weeks.  I volunteered to come along.  I’ve got to be back in D.C. soon for the inauguration though.”

She just nodded and continued looking at him as a lump gathered at the base of her throat.  Aside from the brief shot of him at the McCain
rally, it was the first she’d seen of him.  She’d almost forgotten how handsome he was.  He looked especially so in jeans and a black pea coat.

“How long have you been in town?” she finally managed, her voice having been lost for a moment at the sight of him.

“We just arrived this afternoon.”

“How’d you find me?”

“It’s Sunday.  Mabel’s was the only logical choice,” he laughed and she smiled.

“I can’t believe you’re here.”

“That makes two of us,” he grinned shyly before continuing. “I would’ve called, but I didn’t know if I’d actually be able to bring myself to see you again.”

It grew quiet again, the only sound coming from the gentle crashing of the waves.

“I’m glad you did,” she said softly and he nodded.

“
You had a nice dinner with your family then?” he asked.

“Yes.  They wanted to have a little going away party, I guess.”

“I see Paige was here.”

“Were you spying on me or something?” she laughed.

“I guess I was.  I wanted to wait till you were alone.  I didn’t want to intrude on your family time.  That would’ve been a little awkward, don’t you think?” He was smiling, but she knew he was right.

“Yeah.
  It was nice to have everyone all together.  I mean, Kenna was missing, but she’s busy in New York.  She’s doing really well actually, if you can believe it.”

“I’m glad.  She’s got some real talent,” he said and her mind drifted to the night they’d spent together at her art show.  Ryan seemed to hesit
ate for a moment before continuing.  She could tell by the way his mouth opened and closed a few times before finally speaking. “And, uh…you and Cole?  How are things in that department?”

“Over,” she replied and he nodded. “It was just something I thought I had to do, but…” she began but he cut her off.

“You don’t owe me an explanation,” he said and she smiled, grateful not to talk about it. “And how’s your mom and your grandmother?”

“They’re both doing well.  Mom’s staying with Grandma while I’m gone.”

“I’m so glad she’s okay.”

“Me too,” she agreed.

“And I’m glad you’re okay,” Ryan said, stepping closer to her. “I can’t tell you how happy I am you’re doing this.”

“I owe it to you.”

“I may have put in the application, but it’s all you, Mal.”

“Thanks,
” she smiled and then he held out his hand to her, holding a piece of paper in it.  She took it, staring down at the black ink, before looking back up at him.

“It’s my address.  If you’re bored or something, I’d love to hear from you.”

She folded the paper and placed it in her pocket.

“I’ll write.  I promise.”

“You should probably get going.  Tomorrow’s a pretty big day.”

“Yeah, it is.  I’m glad you came by.  It’s really good to see you, Ryan.”

“Good luck, Mallory,” he said and then stepped even closer, pulling her to him, wrapping his arms around her.  She buried her head in his chest, as she felt her eyes brim with tears.  She’d missed the feeling of his embrace.  She didn’t want him to let go, but all too soon, he did.