Here With Me (24 page)

“What can I do for you?”

“Well, Ryan and I sort of lost touch and I recently tried calling him, but the number I have is no longer in service.”

“Yes, he got a new number.”

“Well,” she continued nervously. “I would really like to get in contact with Ryan and I was wondering if you might have his new phone number?”

“How’d you get this number?” Mr. Scott asked and she suddenly cringed, realizing she appeared to be a crazy stalker.

“To be honest, I found it on the internet. I’m sorry, but I really would like to talk with Ryan and I didn’t know how else I could get in touch with him.  Do you have his number?”

The line was silent, but not because of her this time.

“Ryan mentioned you a few times, Mallory.  I take it things didn’t work out then?”

“No, they didn’t,” she said honestly, but not offering up any other details.

“I’m sorry about that.  Ryan spoke highly of you,” he said and Mallory felt herself smile at the fact Ryan had thought enough of her to tell his family about her.

“I’m happy to hear that, Mr. Scott,” she said softly. “I really would like to talk to Ryan.”

“Do you have a pen and paper to take down the number?”

“Yes,” she said, quickly rifling through the junk drawer and pulling out a pen and a pad of paper. “Yes, I’m ready,” she said as Mr. Scott listed off the digits. “Thank you so much, Mr. Scott.”

“You’re welcome, Mallory,” he replied and hung up the phone.

She stared down at the number.  Ten little numbers and she could be speaking with him.  Her heart began pounding again, a mix of nerves and anticipation.  She may have let Ryan go, but she’d never truly let him go.  She thought about him and she missed him and she needed to talk to him.  She wasn’t going to ask him to take her back.  She didn’t want that.  Her life was very different now.  Her life was with Cole.  She just needed to talk to him once more, to make sure he was okay
and to understand why he’d done what he’d done. 

Before she lost her n
erve, she typed in his number, not thinking he would answer.  Ryan was a busy man and God knew where he was.  He could be on the other side of the world for all she knew.  Perhaps he was sleeping and she would wake him up.  Her stream of consciousness was broken when a deep voice interrupted.

“Scott here,” he
said, his voice fast and business like.  Her voice clamped up, just like it had when she’d spoken with his father. “Hello?” he asked.  It was obvious he didn’t recognize her phone number or perhaps he hadn’t looked at the phone before answering.

“Ryan?  It’s Mallory,” she said softly and there was a long pause.

“Mallory?” he asked quietly and she closed her eyes for a moment, missing the way her name sounded when he said it.

“
Do you have a moment to talk?” she asked softly.

“Um, sure,” he answered
and she could hear the confusion in his voice. “Is your mom okay?”

“Yes, she’s great,” she said
, grateful he’d asked about her right away.

“How’d you get my number?”

“If you must know, I tracked down your father in Arizona when Nate wouldn’t give me your number.  I hope it’s okay that I did.”

“Yes,
it’s fine,” he said and she noticed the warmth she was used to in his voice was gone.

“I got something in the mail today that I wanted to ask you about.”

“Ask away,” he said, but she knew he knew exactly what she was talking about.

“I got an acceptance letter from Doctors
Without Borders.”

“That’s great,” he said and she could hear the excitement in his voice, even though he
was trying to mask it.

“There’s something a little odd about it though.”

“Oh yeah?  What’s that?”

“I never sent in an application, so I’m wondering how I got accepted.”

“That
is
puzzling.” The warmth in his voice returned again and she could almost feel him smiling.

“When did you do it, Ryan and why did you do it?” she asked softly. 
Ryan breathed in and the line was quiet for a few moments. 

“I submitted it a little over a month ago,” he said quietly and
goose bumps popped up on her arm.  He’d sent it long after their break-up.  He still thought about her, even after the way she’d pushed him away. “And if you want to know why I did it, I did it because I knew you never would.”  Her heart ached at his words because they were so true.  “I knew you’d never do it, but I knew you should do it.  We both know you should’ve done it long ago.  Now you have the option.  Before it was a pipedream, now it can be a reality.”

She was quiet as the lump returned to her throat again.  S
wallowing hard, she pushed it down and wiped the corners of her eyes. 

“How’d you submit the application?  I mean, how’d you manage to fill it out without my help?”

He started to laugh and she smiled, having missed the sound of his laughter.  It was so deep and genuine. 

“Did you forget who I work for?  I have my ways,” he said and she could picture the sly grin on his face. “It was actually quite simple and I obviously did a damn good job if you got accepted.”

It was her turn to laugh this time and once she was done, it grew quiet for a few moments.  She began rubbing her temple as she breathed in deeply, feeling the comfort of knowing Ryan was on the other end. 

“Mal?
  You okay?” he asked once she didn’t reply.

“Yes.  I’m okay.”

“Well, are you gonna go through with it?” he said, asking the obvious question.

“I don’
t know.  Probably not,” she replied, feeling a pit form in her stomach.  Ryan didn’t say anything and she wondered what he was thinking.  She knew he was disappointed.

“Well, that’s your decision.  I think it’s the wrong decision, but it’s yours to make.”

“You always think I make the wrong decisions,” she said softly.

“No, I don’t.  Just the important ones,” he said just as softly and she felt a tear run down her cheek.  “I don’t want you to regret anything in your life.  I want you to look back when you’re 80 years old and say you’ve done everything you wanted to.  I know you have obligations at home, but you also have obligations to yourself.  The application was always your safety net.  There was always the intention, but if you never applied, you’d never have to make the decision on whether to do it or not.  I eliminated that step.  I don’t care if you’re mad at me, either.  I’ve given you the option and it’s up to you if you take it.”

Quiet tears were streaming down her face now and she sniffled, wiping her face with her sleeve.

“You’ve given me a lot to think about, Ryan,” she said eventually. “Thank you for believing in me.”

“I’ll always believe in you,” he said gently and the line was quiet as Mallory breathed in deeply.

“How are you, Ryan?” she said a few moments later, needing to know he was well.

“I’m fine.”

“Do you miss Maine?”

“A little bit,” he said and she wished he missed it more because it would mean he missed her more than a little bit. 

“Where are you now?  Nate told me he couldn’t
tell me.”

“That’s just Nate being dramatic.  I’m in D.C. at the moment,” he said and the line grew quiet again.  She didn’t know what else to say.  It had reached that awkward moment in the conversation when Mallory knew it was over.  She’d
gotten the answers she’d needed and she’d heard his voice.  He sounded okay.  He sounded like he was alright without her, which made her relieved and sad at the same time.  She’d been telling herself since she left him that she was okay without him, but deep down, she knew that wasn’t the case.

“Well, um, I should probably let you go.  I hope I wasn’t bothering you.”

“You’re never a bother, Mallory,” he said, his voice sweet and low and she closed her eyes again, fighting back the tears the conversation had created. “I miss you.” She hadn’t expected to hear those words from him and they punched her right in the heart. 

“I miss you too,” she managed to say through the lump in her throat and the line grew quiet.

“Bye, Mal,” he said and before she could respond, the line went dead. 

She held the phone in her hand for a moment, staring at it, before finally setting it on the table and wiping her eyes.  She picked up the Doctors
Without Borders packet.  Maybe she could do it.  Ryan always believed in her.  Now, if she could just believe in herself.

Chapter Thirty-Three

She didn’t tell anyone about the acceptance of her Doctors Without Borders application, but she kept the pamphlet folded up and hidden in her wallet.  She’d take it out at look through it as the doubts continued to race through her mind.  She’d wanted to do something like this for so long and now it was within her grasp, but she would always shake her head, fold it up and put it away.

Ryan’s words were seared into her mind. 
I don’t want you to regret anything in life.
  She didn’t want to regret anything either, but she already did regret something: leaving her mother the night of her accident.  She couldn’t leave her mother again.  She needed to stay and take care of her. She had to make up for that regret.

Even though she knew she couldn’t go, it didn’t stop her from thinking about it or Ryan.  She’d forced herself to be okay and she thought she was until their conversation.  It had been nearly two weeks since they’d spoken and she’d tried erasing his voice from her mind, but it’d been playing
over and over in her mind.  She had to find a way to turn it off though because Cole was coming home and she needed to focus on him.

She wasn’t surprised to see Cole’s car sitting in the driveway after her shift Friday evening.  He’d told her he was leaving right after his last class.  She wondered how long he’d been waiting for her, but she knew her mother had probably enjoyed his
company and that made her happy. 

Cole and her mother
were sitting at the kitchen table playing a game of Rummy when she walked in.  They both turned around at the sound of the door closing.  Her mother gave her a head nod for a hello while she continued to stare at her cards, but Cole greeted her with an exuberant smile.  She was exhausted. Her hair was a frazzled mess and she hadn’t even bothered to put any make-up on that morning, but when she looked at Cole, she knew none of that mattered to him.  He was looking at her as if she was the most beautiful woman in the world.

Cole set his cards on the table and met her across the room, the smile never leaving his face as he slid his arms around her.

“Hey,” he whispered in her ear. “I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too,” she said, doing her best not to sound distracted.  He squeezed her once more before pulling away.
“How was your drive?”

“Not bad.  I beat all the weekend traffic.” 

“That’s good,” she said, smiling up at him before turning to her mother. “Hey Mom.  How’re you feeling today?”

“Feeling good.
  Thanks, Mal,” she said, looking up with a slight smile and Mallory couldn’t help but compare her reaction to how she used to react before the accident.  It was nice she could check on her mom now without being given a dirty look or a glare. 

“Would you mind if I take a shower real quick?” she asked. “I’m feeling a little grimy.”

“Sure.  Your mom and I will just finish up this game.”

“
Alright.  I shouldn’t be long.” She mustered a smile, and turned to walk up the stairs.  She was only on the third step when she felt a tug on her arm and she turned to find Cole standing below her.

“You didn’t think I was going to let you go without a kiss first?” he said softly, ascending the stairs so he had her cornered against the wall.  Before she could protest, his lips were on hers, kissing her eagerly.

“Cole,” she gasped a moment later, making sure to keep her voice low enough so her mother couldn’t hear. “I’m all gross.  At least let me clean up.”

“You’re not gross.  You’re beautiful,” he said kissing her softly again. “I haven’t seen you in three weeks.  I couldn’t wait any longer.  You’re lucky this is all I’m doing.”  The way he looked at her, so sweetly adorable, made her laugh.

“You are too much,” she said with a smile, pulling his face down to hers and kissing him playfully on the tip of the nose. “I hope you can regain control of yourself while I go get cleaned up.”

“I’ll do my best, but I need to stay here for a moment, if
you catch my drift.”

“Yes, I catch your drift.  Perhaps you’re the one who needs a shower and a cold
one at that,” she laughed and he just grinned at her. “I’ll be back soon.”

****

“It’s good to be home,” Cole said, pulling Mallory’s foot onto his lap.  He started rubbing it as he leaned back.  They hadn’t had much of a chance to talk since she’d gotten home.  They’d had a quiet dinner at home with her mom, played some more Rummy and watched TV before her mother went upstairs to bed.  And now the living room was quiet.  No TV, no noise, just each other.

“I feel badly, you driving this far just to have
to turn around and go back Sunday afternoon.  You must have a ton of work to do.”

“I’ll be fine.  I’m a madman during the week, but I wanted to make sure I could completely focus on us this weekend.”

“Still…you didn’t have to come home.”

“Are you trying to tell me you didn’t want me to come for a visit?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

“No,” she said quickly, although she was finding it difficult to focus on him, when all she could think about was the pamphlet burning a hole in her wallet.  “I’m glad you’re here.  It gets kinda lonely, especially since you and Kenna are both gone now.”

“I know, babe,” he said lifting her hand to his lips and kissing the back of it.  She was a little taken aba
ck by the pet name he’d used.  Cole had never called her anything but Mallory or Mal.  Never babe.  It felt strange.  It was such a relationship solidifier.  She wondered when he’d up it to sweetheart or honey. “What’s the grin for?” he asked.

“What grin?”

“The silly grin on your face.”

“I’m not grinning.”

“Yes, you are,” he said, matching her smile.

“I guess I’m just trying to get used to you calling me babe.”

“Did you not like that?”

“It’s just different, is all.  I guess I’m still getting used to us as a couple, even though it’s been a while now.  Don’t you think it’s weird sometimes?”

“I guess when I really think about it, it is a little weird…but in a good way, for me anyway.” Their eyes locked and he cupped her cheek with his palm.  He leaned in and kissed her gently. “I’m so glad to be home with you again.  I wish you’d come to Boston with me.”

“You know I can’t do that,” she said looking away.

“I know that, but it doesn’t stop me from wishing.” He kissed the back of her hand again and then they leaned back against the couch. “Do you think your mom would mind if I slept over?” he laughed, leaning his head on her shoulder.

“You are
not
sleeping over,” she said, swatting his hand.

“Rejection hurts,” he grinned and then turned to face her, slowly leaning in until their lips brushed.  It was slow at first, but then he began kissing her harder and deeper.  His hand wrapped around her waist, pulling her closer.  His hand inched under her shirt and his fingers were cold against her skin.  The startle caused her to pull back and Cole stared at her with confusion. “Rejection really hurts,” he said again, but this time without a smile.

“It’s just that I’m tired, and my mom’s right upstairs,” she said softly, hoping he’d believe her, when the truth was, she was distracted and confused and she couldn’t keep her mind off of the pamphlet or Ryan. 

“Are you sure that’s all it is?” he asked doubtfully.

“Yes.”

“Really?”

“Yes, Cole,” she insisted.

“It’s just…” he sighed, pausing for a moment as he ran a hand through his hair. “We haven’t been together since you came with me to Boston.” His voice was low and he seemed uncomfortable broaching the subject. She
’d wondered how long it would take him to do so, surprised it had taken him as long as it did. 

“I’m sorry,” she said quietly, unable to meet his eyes.

“Don’t apologize,” he said, taking her hand. “It’s just hard, because to be truthful, I really can’t think of much else since that night.” He swooped down and began kissing her again as his hands explored her body.  She closed her eyes and tried returning his kisses with equal fervor.  He eased her onto the couch as his mouth left hers and began biting at her neck, his breath whipping around her.  His hands crawled under her shirt and she gasped as they began inching higher.

“Cole,” she whispered. “We can’t.  Not right now.”

He groaned and hovered over her for a moment before sitting up and straightening his shirt.  Mallory sat up and did the same.

“I’m sorry, Cole.  We just can’t…not right now.  We will, but not tonight.”

“Hey, it’s okay.  I understand.  I can wait,” he said with a forced smile as her stomach flip-flopped.  She felt bad lying to Cole.  Her mind just wasn’t in the right place to share that with him again. 

“It’s
getting late and I haven’t even been home yet,” he said, glancing at his watch.

“I’m sur
e your parents want to see you.”

“They’re probably not even home,” he said and she nodded, knowing he was probably right. “But, I know you’re tired.  I’ll bring you some breakfast in the morning, okay?”

“Sounds good,” she said, standing up and walking towards the door.  Cole followed, but stopped before opening it. 

“See you in the morning, Mal,” he said, kissing her once more. 

“Good night, Cole.”

He opened the door and she watched until his car drove away into the darkness.  She went upstairs to get ready for bed, but not before opening her wallet and looking at the pamphlet once more.