Here With Me (25 page)

Chapter Thirty-Four

    “Why do you insist on watching every single political thing you can?” Mallory’s mother asked Grandma Jane the following evening.  Just as promised, Cole had showed up in the morning with a box of donuts, and after eating breakfast and going for a walk on the beach, they’d gone to an afternoon movie.  They were now sitting in the living the room, side by side on the couch, with Grandma Jane in one chair and her mother in the other.

“Because, Claire, I plan to be an informed voter next month,” Grandma Jane said and focused her attention back on the screen. 

Mallory found it just as boring as her mother, but she wasn’t going to argue.  Instead, she just watched John McCain’s speech at a campaign stop in Pennsylvania.  The candidate was spouting off promises everyone knew he probably couldn’t keep, just as all politicians did. 

She focused numbly on the TV, but just as McCain was reaching the climax of his speech, the camera panned out to catch the reaction of the crowd and Mallory felt her stomach drop. 
Leaning forward, she squinted at the TV to make sure she wasn’t mistaken.  She wasn’t.  Behind Senator McCain was a face she’d never mistake.  Ryan stood seriously, in the same black suit he’d been wearing at the Hollins’ party the last time she’d seen him.  His hands were folded and his mouth was in a straight line as he scanned the crowd.  She couldn’t take her eyes off of him.  An ache developed in her chest like she’d never felt before.  Maybe she was imagining it, but she thought he looked at her.  She didn’t even realize she was holding her breath until the camera angle shifted and he was off the screen, causing her to exhale. 

“What are you looking at?” her mother asked a moment later.

“Nothing,” she said quickly, sitting back, trying to relax.

“You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“No, Mom.  It’s nothing,” she said quietly.  She felt everyone’s eyes on her and she tried to mask her shock, by leaning back and taking Cole’s hand.  She made herself focus on Cole’s touch, pushing back the image of Ryan and the pamphlet that were forcing their way into her mind.

****

Seeing as how Cole’s visit was going to be a short one, he seemed determined to fill every moment of their time with something.  After McCain’s speech was over, he’d taken her to dinner.  Her mind was still consumed with the vision on the TV screen, and she was finding it harder to pay attention to what Cole was saying across the table. He was babbling on about the Bar Exam.  She was trying to focus and did everything in her power to look attentive by nodding her head and keeping eye contact.  Once he’d paid the check, he swung by Dunkin’ Donuts and got them each a cup of hot chocolate.  The night was chilly and Cole knew how much she loved the hot chocolate from Dunkin’ Donuts.  She smiled at him when he handed her the Styrofoam cup and he drove back to her house. 

It was nearly nine o’clock, but the house was quiet when they walked in.  Mallory wasn’t sure when Grandma Jane had left, but before leaving for dinner, Mallory had made her promise she wouldn’t leave until her mother was settled for the night. 

As she and Cole made themselves comfortable in the living room, she saw a faint light coming from upstairs. 

“I’m gonna go say good night before she goes to bed,” Mallory said before heading up to her mom’s room.  She was propped up reading
when Mallory walk in.

“Hey, Mal,” she said, putting her book down.

“Hey,” Mallory replied, walking over and sitting on the edge of the bed. “I just wanted to come check on you before you go to bed.”

“That’s very sweet of you,” her mother said with a sincere grin, even though Mallory knew she just wanted to roll her eyes at her daughter’s worrying. “And before you ask, yes, I’m feeling fine and your grandmother didn’t leave until she knew I was okay for the night.”

Mallory just laughed lightly and then leaned in, hugging her mom.

“I’m glad to hear that.  Cole and I are going to watch some TV for a little while.”

“You know, Mal,” her mother said with a coy smile. “Cole will only be in town till tomorrow.  If you would like to go over to his house for a while, maybe even spend the night, I’ll be okay here on my own.”

Mallory felt her cheeks burn from embarrassment and just shook her head, smiling as she did so.  Her mother and
her had always had an open relationship, but she would never be comfortable talking about her sex life, or lack thereof, with her mother, even if it was just by insinuation. 

“I think we’ll be fine downstairs, Mom.  I’ll see you in the morning.”

Her mother just grinned and picked up her book, resuming her reading as Mallory walked out, closing the door behind her.

Downstairs, Cole had already made himself comfortable on the couch.  His shoes were off and his feet were kicked up on the coffee table.  He was so relaxed in her house, almost as if he was already part of the family. 

“Is everything okay?” he asked and she nodded, settling in beside him.

Cole turned the TV onto an action movie she had no desire to watch.  It was something with Vin Diesel and lots of explosio
ns.  She didn’t protest though because it was keeping Cole occupied. 

About an hour into the movie, Cole sat up, turning to face her.

“Are you okay?” he suddenly asked.

“Yeah.
  I’m fine.  Why do you ask?”

“You seem lik
e you’re a million miles away.”

He was staring at her, and she wanted desperately to tell him what was on her mind.  She wanted to be honest with him, but the secret stayed lodged in her throat.

“I’m okay.  I guess I’m just tired.”

“You’ve been distant ever since I got into town yesterday.  I thought I was just imagining it, but I’m not.  You’re so quiet.  You hardly said two words during dinner.”

“I’ve just got a lot on my mind,” she finally said.

“Is it your mom?  Because I can tell you, she seems to be doing great.”

“It’s just work.  I’m sorry I’ve been distant.  Perhaps you should’ve just stayed in Cambridge.”

“I wasn’t going to miss a chance to spend time with you, Mal.  My visits with you are what I look forward to.”

“I know.  You’re so sweet,” she said softly, looking up to meet his eyes.

“What’s on your mind, Mal?  You know you can tell me anything.  Please talk to me.”

He stared at her, so kind and sincere.  He wanted her to talk to him.  She wanted to talk to him too, but she was afraid.  She knew Cole’s thoughts about Doctors Without Borders and she didn’t want to hear it again.  She wasn’t going to do it anyway, so he didn’t need to know.  Still, she wanted to share the news with someone and she should be able to share it with her boyfriend.

“Your lip is trembling.  You look like you’re about to cry,” he said, brushing his thumb
across her mouth.  She didn’t even realize she was choking up until he pointed it out.  She took a deep breath and quickly pulled herself together. “Please talk to me.”

Her mind started racing through the possibilities.  Maybe if she showed Cole her acceptance letter, he’d realize how important this was to her and share in her excitement.  Maybe he’d even encourage her to find a way to do it, eve
n if she knew she never could.  But, maybe he’d tell her how ridiculous she was being.  She’d never know if she didn’t ask him and before she could stop herself, she was walking over to her purse, reaching for her wallet and pulling out the letter and pamphlet.  She walked back over to Cole and handed them to him, not saying a word.

His eyes began scanning the letter quickly and he glanced at the pamphlet before looking up at her, confusion evident on his face.

“What is this?” he asked, his eyebrows creasing.

“I’ve been accepted to participate in Doctor
s Without Borders.”

“I know what it is.  I can read,” he said, his voice sharp. “What I mean
is,
what
is this?  Why are you showing me this?”

“I just wanted you to know that I’ve been accepted.  You asked what was on my mind and I’m telling you.”

He stood up, placing the papers forcefully on the coffee table.  She didn’t recall Cole being so tall, but he seemed to tower over her and he didn’t look happy. 

“You’re not going,” he said.  It wasn’t a question.

“Cole…” she said, but he cut her off.

“This is a joke, right?  I mean, you used to talk about doing this and everyone agreed how ridiculous it was.”

“It’s not ridiculous to me,” she cut in.

“You haven’t talked about this for years.  When did you apply?” he demanded.

“That doesn’t matter,” she said, deciding it was better to leave the application process and who was involved as vague as possible. “What matters is that I got accepted.”

“You can’t seriously be considering this.  I mean, you told me you couldn’t come to Boston with me because you have to stay and take care of your mom, but you’re willing to go off to some third-world shithole?”

“Shut up, Cole,” she said and he froze, staring at her.  Their eyes locked and they didn’t break until they heard footsteps on the stairs.  Mallory looked up to see her mother making her way slowly down the stairs, foregoing the lift. 

“What is going on down here?” her mother called, even before she had reached the bottom.

“I’m sorry, Mom.”

“What’s all
the shouting about?”

“You
wanna know what the shouting’s about, Claire?” Cole said.  He walked over and handed her mother the letter and pamphlet.  Her eyes danced between the two and then looked up at her daughter.

“Mallory,” she said quietly. “What is this?”

“It’s nothing,” Mallory replied, ripping the papers from her mother’s hand.

“What it is, Claire, is your daughter’s considering that crazy Doctors
Without Borders program again.  She would rather take off to some disease-ridden, war ravaged country and take care of people there instead of staying here and taking care of you.”

“That’s not true, Cole,” Mallory
fired back.

“So…you’
re not considering it?”

“You’re twisting everything around.  I wouldn’t rather leave than take care of my mom,” she said, her eyes boring into his as her chest swelled with anger.

“Mallory,” her mother interjected quietly and she turned to see her face looking concerned and sad. “Is this something you’re considering doing?”

Mallory sighed, not knowing what to say.

“I take that as a yes,” Cole sneered.

“I didn’t say that, Cole.  Just stop,” she said, glaring over to him before turning to her mother again. “I’m not seriously considering it.  Yes, I’ve talked about it for years, but I know I can’t do it, but still, I’m excited that I even got accepted, but I can’t even share that with you two without being ridiculed and
guilted.”

“That’s not my intention,” her mother said, but she knew it was Cole’s intention by the way he was staring at her.  His cheeks were red from frustration and she could see his chest rising and falling quickly, even though he was trying to control his breathing.

“Well, that’s how it feels,” she said, mostly to Cole. 

“I’m sorry you feel that way, but I just think Cole is concerned about you…I am too.  This is pretty gutsy, if you decide to go through with it.  I don’t want you going off some place where you could get hurt.  What’s wrong with Kennebunkport?”

Frustrated tears brewed in her eyes.  It was as if her mother and Cole were sharing a brain, except her mother was calm and Cole was combative. 

“There’s nothing wrong with Kennebunkport,” she sighed. “You guys just don’t get it.  It’s the fact that I got accepted…that they thought I was good enough, but that doesn’t seem to
matter to either of you.  All you do is think about yourself, not what’s good for me or what I want.”

They both seemed to lower their heads and the room grew silent.

“I’ve wanted to tell you both about this since I found out, but I didn’t, because I knew how you’d react.  Thanks for not disappointing me.”

“Mallory…” Cole said, stepping forward, his face softening for the first time since he’d read the letter.

“I don’t want to talk to you, Cole.  I’ve heard just about enough from you tonight.  Just go home.”

“Mallory, I’m sorry.  Can we please talk about this?”

“Not tonight.  I’m tired and I want to be alone.”  She didn’t bother saying another word.  She just turned and headed upstairs, closing the bedroom door behind her. 

****

Mallory missed Kenna.  She wanted to jump in the car and go talk to her best friend.  But, she couldn’t.  Kenna was in New York and Mallory was in Kennebunkport.  She was alone and she hated being alone.  She wanted to talk to someone.  She needed to talk to someone. 

She grabb
ed her phone and called Kenna, but it went to voicemail.  She was probably off partying or doing something fabulous.  It was Saturday night, after all.  Kenna was most likely out having a great time, while Mallory was holed up in her room.