His Wife for a While (17 page)

Have you fallen in love with Ben?

The question was relentless, and though silent, it seemed louder this time. Her subconscious, or whatever it was that was querying, was certainly demanding an answer.

But she couldn't fall in love with Ben. That hadn't been part of her original plan. Her simple, clear-cut plan.

If she were to fall in love with him, she'd experience more pain than she'd ever encountered in her life. She couldn't let that happen. She just couldn't.

Even in her wildest imaginings, she couldn't picture Ben feeling affectionate toward her.

This is a child only a mother could love.

This is a child only a mother could love.

The social worker's words from years earlier rang through her mind like an irritating bell, just as they had all her life.

No, Ben could never love her.

Have you fallen in love with Ben?

The question was louder this time, and it wasn't going away.

Chelsea
's throat convulsed as she tried to swallow around the dryness in her mouth. Her chin trembled the slightest bit as she watched the sun break above the horizon, and she finally admitted, "Yes, damn it. Yes."

Chapter Seven

"May…"
Chelsea
's tone held the tentative note of someone unused to seeking out social conversation. "Tell me about your marriage."

The two women were sitting in Reed's Orchard Country Store.
Chelsea
loved the homey atmosphere, with the delicious aroma of apples permeating the air and the quaint country crafts, preserves and baked goods for sale.

"Well, child," May began, "I was eighteen when I first laid eyes on Joshua Harris. He was a professor in a small seminary college in
Philadelphia
. He'd come to Kemblesville to our church one Sunday as a visiting preacher."

May worked at tatting a delicate lace doily, her still-nimble fingers maneuvering the small shuttle through a web of cotton thread until the series of knots formed an intricate and beautiful design. So skilled was she at the craft that her hands didn't slow, even though her eyes glazed with her happy reminiscences.

"I was carried away by his fiery words and his inspiring manner." She chuckled impishly. "His big, broad shoulders and handsome face didn't hurt much, either."

Chelsea
's lips drew back humorously.

"We were introduced during the Welcome Hour after the service. That's the time that church members spent socializing. Catching up on all the gossip."

May's rocking chair stopped its creaking, but her fingers continued to weave the wooden shuttle up and down, in and out. "Joshua became a regular member of our congregation after that. He traveled from the city to our small town every Sunday. After two short weeks, he went to my father. At first, my father flat out refused to even consider Joshua's request to court me. He…"

"Wait."
Chelsea
couldn't contain her disbelief. "Joshua asked to
court
you?"

"Oh, yes," May said, nodding emphatically. "Joshua would never have pursued a relationship with me without my father's permission. Things were very different back then. Daddy would have brandished a shotgun in order to protect my virtue, if need be. It might have been against the law, but he'd have had the support of all his relatives, friends and neighbors. And Joshua knew it."

"It all sounds archaic. So... Victorian."

May laughed. "That's exactly what it was."

"But didn't you have any say in who…"
Chelsea
stumbled over how to phrase her thoughts "…came courting?"

May shook her head. "Not until a formal request was made. Once Joshua had my father's permission, he could ask for mine. Oh, there were girls who didn't follow the rules." Her voice lowered to a whisper. "They were labeled as easy."

Chelsea
was intrigued by the sudden devilish gleam in May's eye.

"Joshua was scared spitless of Daddy, I don't mind saying. I can't tell you the number of come-hither smiles and flirtatious looks I had to cast his way, in order to bolster him into overcoming his fear."

Narrowing one eye,
Chelsea
commented, "I think you had more say about who came courting than you're letting on."

May grinned like a Cheshire cat. "Maybe so," she admitted. "If anyone had seen the way I enticed Joshua…" her eyes grew large and she shook her head "…I would have been called a brazen hussy."

Her light chortle echoed softly. "But he was worth the risk," May said, her voice growing hushed. "Oh, my, he was certainly worth the risk."

A silence settled over them as May continued tatting.
Chelsea
was disheartened by May's silence. She had been thoroughly enjoying this newfound pastime of hers; she'd never sought out someone simply to talk. She'd had to force herself to come in here and start this conversation with May. And now she was reluctant to let it lull and die away.

"So," she hedged, "your relationship with Joshua was special?"

May slowly nodded, her fingers once again growing still. "I enjoyed nearly ten wonderful years of marriage. Oh, we didn't have much. As a seminary professor, Joshua only made a pittance. And his salary as a visiting minister was spotty at best. But I planted a garden, and canned vegetables for the winter. I made quilts and doilies and sold them. I took in some sewing work. Daddy would have helped us out, but Joshua was such a proud man."

The gleam in May's eyes conveyed that she was pleased with that trait in her man.

"We were married on Christmas Eve. The happiest day of my life." Then May's voice fluctuated with heartfelt sadness as she added, "But then World War II came marching along. A day of infamy." The old woman sighed, her eyes growing misty. "Joshua was hell-bent on signing up, and he promptly became a casualty of war."

"Oh, May."
Chelsea
's own throat ached with the pain and loss that May had felt all those years ago… the pain and loss that obviously continued to haunt her.

"We almost made our tenth anniversary," May said. "But not quite." Suddenly she shook herself, as though physically removing the bad memories and setting them away from her.

She looked at
Chelsea
and smiled. "But I did enjoy the wonderful fortune of spending over nine wonderful years with the man I loved. Nine years that were a gift from above."

"A gift?"

May's gaze turned soft. "
Chelsea
, there is absolutely nothing that can compare to the relationship between a man and woman in love. Nothing."

She started her chair to rocking again. "I'm not talking about the physical aspects of marriage. Although that's wonderful, too." She let the cotton thread and shuttle drop into her lap and she paralleled her palms an inch apart in front of her. "When a person can actually touch the soul of another…" she pressed her hands together and closed her eyes "…become one with another human being." May shook her head and whispered, "There is nothing on this earth that can compare with that."

"You loved your husband a lot,"
Chelsea
observed.

May only nodded.

"It's sad that you only had nine years..."

The older woman's face became serene as she said, "One moment in heaven is worth an eternity in hell."

Chelsea
couldn't imagine sharing that kind of relationship with someone. She'd come to the stark realization that she loved Ben, that she wanted to be with him, that she wished he felt...

But there her thoughts dwindled. These wants and wishes were all so useless. Empty fantasies that could never be.

"But it takes more than just love."

May's comment drew
Chelsea
's attention.

"More?"
Chelsea
asked.

"It takes commitment..."

I could give Ben that
, she thought.

"It takes loyalty..."

I could give him that
, too.

"And it takes a mountain of trust."

Chelsea
's shoulders sagged and she let her gaze lower to the floor. She pulled her bottom lip between her teeth and wondered if she could ever allow herself to give Ben her full and complete trust.

"But," May said, "no successful relationship is one-sided. It's a two-way street. Both individuals must be willing to give one hundred percent of the love, commitment, loyalty and trust it would take to make a relationship work. One hundred percent. Otherwise, it will wither and die."

A deep sense of sadness washed over
Chelsea
at May's comments. No matter what she wanted to give to Ben, be it love, commitment, loyalty or even trust, she could never hope to share the kind of relationship with him that May was talking about. She could never "touch his soul" because he would never be willing to travel the two-way street with her. No, Ben had married her for the sole purpose of saving his orchard. And she had known that going into this farce of a marriage.

"I'll never have that."
Chelsea
hadn't meant to speak the words aloud, but the expression on May's face had her explaining, "I'll never have what you've described."

"Of course you will," she said.

Chelsea
looked at May and couldn't help but notice how sincere she seemed. May really appeared to care about the fact that
Chelsea
felt she'd never find the kind of life mate that May had found in her Joshua.

But why should May care about her?
Chelsea
had spent all of her years at Reed's Orchard working to keep everyone at arms' length. She had intentionally kept herself apart. Purposefully kept herself from caring for or about others so that others wouldn't bother trying to get close to her. No, she'd given May no reason to feel anything for her.

A forlorn little half smile cocked up the corner of
Chelsea
's mouth. "Trust me on this, May. I never will."

Depression settled over her like a stifling blanket, and she felt a sudden overwhelming need to get out into the open air, alone.

"May, it's nearly quitting time,"
Chelsea
said. "My work's all done for today. I'm going to hike over to the nature center to see if there's anything that I can do."

"Okay," May said. "I'll let Ben know where you are, if I see him."

Chelsea
nodded. "Tell him I'll see him later at... home."

The word felt awkward as it rolled off her tongue. It was next to impossible for her to think and speak of Ben's house as her home. A home was supposed to be a place where a person could find love and security and happiness. A place where...