His Wounded Light (31 page)

“Dinner was delicious, Lucas. Thank you so much for having me. I had a great time.”

“The night is just beginning, Isa. Which movie did you want to rent for tonight?”

“I’m game for anything. As long as it’s not a horror movie. I’m a scaredy cat.”

“Hmm. Let’s see. How about an action movie? This one looks good. Savages?”

“Oh, I’ve heard of that. It’s got that cute guy in it, Taylor something? Yes. Let’s watch that.”

He looks at me and rolls his eyes.

“What?” I ask him.

He doesn’t say anything except leans over to kiss me. Once again, I let him. I don’t know why there’s something about him that’s luring me under his spell. I lean my head against his arm as he pushes me down and settles himself on top of me. I’m still thinking of Alex. It doesn’t feel like him at all. He doesn’t belong in my thoughts and I need to stop comparing everyone to him. The man I’m with is my here and now.

“Lucas?”

“Yes?”

“What happened to Cristina? Was that the girl you were going to marry?”

“We never got that far. I felt like I was still missing something. I don’t know why. I cheated on her a few times. She was perfect, but maybe not for me.”

I turn to the side table next to me to look at her picture again. Long, straight brown hair. Attractive face. Great smile. “Maybe you just needed some time to grow up a little more. You guys were so young then. Are you keeping in touch with her?” I ask, seriously intrigued by the pretty woman in the photograph.

“We’re friends now. I haven’t really called her since I met you.”

“Me?” I am taken aback by his statement.

“You. Do you know how hot I am for you right now? I am so turned on by just being this close to you.” He places his lips on my neck and starts to kiss it, beginning at my jawline and trailing his lips down towards my chest.

“Lucas?”

“Hmm?” He’s pressing himself on me now. I can feel his excitement and I’m anxious.

“I’m scared. I don’t know if I’m ready for this. I have nothing to offer you.”

“Relax, it’s all good. It’s clear that we want nothing from each other. We’re just two adults about to have some fun.” He continues where he left off, planting slow, sensual kisses along my neck. “Isa, you smell so sweet. Your skin feels so smooth. Just let yourself go. I need you. You need this. You. Are. So—”

“Please slow down, I’m really nervous. Can we just talk for a little bit?” I push him rather brutally off me until he sits up and rubs his face with his hands.

He stands up and walks away unexpectedly. I’m afraid I have totally scared him off, but he returns with a small black pouch, setting it beside him on the couch before moving close to me once again. All the mystery scrolling across that beautiful face is enticing. “I’m going to make you feel so good, Isa. Trust me. You’re going to let all this pain go and then you’re going to fall in love with me. Because I know what you need and I can give it to you.”

“What do I need, Lucas?” I tilt my head slightly as he teases me by brushing his lips against mine.

“You need someone to take care of you, to cherish you, to control you. Stop overthinking things, just let go. I’m going to give you something to make you feel even better,” he whispers as he breaks away to take the black pouch in his hand.

I don’t say a word as he runs his fingers across my lips before gently pulling me in for a kiss. There’s something on his tongue that he passes on to mine. It has a slight bitter taste that turns into something minty and cold. My mouth goes numb for a few seconds and then I feel euphoric and invincible. My mind goes blank, my head is clear. It feels wonderful; I have no thoughts, I harbor no guilt. While he kisses me, one hand draws down under my dress to touch my most intimate part and I feel liberated. My body feels limp and pliable. I don’t fight it. I welcome it. I spread my legs wider, granting him access to what he wants. The fight is over. I finally give up.

I’m on a quest to erase every trace of Alex on me.

Every single one.

“I don’t need to feel better. I need to forget. Make me forget him, Lucas.”

I’m ready. And I give in.

***

“Suffering is a gift. In it is hidden mercy.”

—Rumi

I’m sitting on the stone bench directly across from where Sophie is resting. Today I bring three pots of flowers and line them along the trail that leads to her grave. Hydrangeas and pansies and roses—all pink for our little girl. Alex had the stone bench installed after ordering it from Italy; a perfectly handcrafted gray stone bench built large enough to seat the four of us. The legs are designed with beautiful hand-carved butterflies in all shapes and sizes. There’s something to say about the freedom to fly that Sophie’s father no longer enjoys, though it makes me sad to think about it in this way.

I don’t even know why I’m here today. Well, I do know why. This is my place of comfort, the one place where I can feel absolution and forgiveness. The first few weeks after I lost her, I begged for pardon for not taking care of myself well enough to allow her to thrive. I lamented my heart out and blamed myself for getting too caught up in Alex that I neglected my very own child. Today I come to implore for His mercy. For the second time in my life, I am no longer filled with Alex and there’s no turning back.

I slept with Lucas last night. I went over to his place for dinner and spent the night.

It was bittersweet and tender and gentle and he kept telling me that I was beautiful. That my scars from both the C-sections and the fall from the stairs were beauty marks on my immaculate skin. That he could maybe someday fall in love with me and that I needed someone to take care of me, to take control of me. I allowed him to tie me up, to blindfold me and to do anything he wanted with me. I didn’t have to think, I didn’t have to try. I was completely exhausted from the desperate clamor for any chance to keep my marriage from falling apart. Lucas gave me a few hours of rapture and diversion, an ecstatic feeling of escape. When I fell asleep in his arms, I felt strong and undefeated and cherished. I woke up feeling tawdry, dirty and unworthy. I try to tell myself that surely, I’ve got a good thing going; a friendship with Jesse and a newfound sex life with Lucas. I have completely severed any chance for Alex’s forgiveness. I am no longer worthy of loving him.

And so, I sit here and cry.

I cry for Sophie because we created her at a time when love was all we ever knew.

I cry because I lost her at the same time that I lost my whole world.

I cry because I will never love Lucas. Nor Jesse.

And I will always love Alex.

I cry because I no longer know who I am and everything I’ve ever believed in has been a lie.

I cry.

***

“What I am looking for is not out there, it is in me.”

—Helen Keller

It’s really a simple theory, actually. I lose control over things I can’t control. I tell myself that Lucas is history and here I am, in the car on the way to his place. I tried so hard to stay away and I thought I was doing really well.

It’s Alex’s weekend with the children and I had just gotten home from a workout at the gym, exhausted and looking forward to dropping into bed for the night. Jesse called a few minutes after I arrived and I asked him for a rain check. As I walked down the hall, I peeked into Maddy’s room to find her toys on the floor. I don’t know why Emmy didn’t tidy up, but I’m pretty sure it was simply because they had left for their weekend with Alex in a hurry. As I picked up the toys on the floor and placed them in the toy bin, I was surprised to find some boxes underneath Maddy’s bed. Curiously, I reached my hand in and pulled out the first box that I touched. Of the three cartons, and by some cruel trick of coincidence, it was the baby box. Inside it were custom made blankets and diapers and pillowcases in pink and purple and blue and yellow. The feel of the soft fabric against my cheek opened up the floodgates to the tears that I believed I had completely drained months ago. I lashed out my anger on Emmy.
Why didn’t she throw them out like I instructed her to? I’m going to fire her when she gets back. How dare she leave the box under the bed for me to find! Doesn’t she know that I’m trying to forget?

I wanted to tell someone how much it hurt. No one really understands how I feel. Everyone tells me to move on, that it happened for a reason. The weight of my misery is oppressive and burdensome. Except there’s no one who loves me enough to help me bear this cross. Well, except maybe Alex. I picked up the phone to call Alex, but I called Lucas instead. What he gave me that first time converted my grief into apathy and indifference.

I was in dire need of that diversion again tonight.

He answered the phone on the first ring. “Hello, beautiful.”

“Hi.”

“I expected you to be in bed already. You told me you were so tired tonight.”

“I was. I’m not anymore. Can I see you?”

“Oh no, what happened, baby?”

Baby. It’s not his fault. It’s a generic word.

“Nothing. I just want to see you.” I dropped my keys in my purse and locked up the door as I spoke to him, desperate to get out of this place.

“I kind of wasn’t expecting you to call tonight, but sure, of course, come over.”

He opens the door to let me in even before I knock. I feel better already, and I smile to myself when I remember what Ali and Evie just told me the other day. “Don’t question, just do, Isa. That guy’s a knockout and young and he wants you.”

“Hello, gorgeous.” He takes me in his arms and holds me.

We stand together for a while until he tilts up my chin and kisses me. I stop him abruptly. Those tender moments don’t really do anything for me these days. When I look into his face, I see what he’s been busy with. There are traces of it on his top lip.

That’s really what I’m here for. A few hours of respite from the veracity of my forsaken life.

“You started without me?” I ask as I begin unbuttoning his shirt.

He gently takes my hands and kisses them. “Isa, I thought we were just going to spend a nice night together, talking, taking it slow.”

I walk away from him and sit in the living room. “Taking it slow is boring. Let’s make it fun and exciting! That stuff the other night was so good—let’s do that again. And then...” I say cunningly as I unzip the top of my blouse, “you can do whatever you want to me. For hours.” I slide towards him as I shed my top and skirt, dropping them on the floor.

Although he shakes his head at me, he eyes me hungrily from head to toe, and the glint in his eye is apparent as he carries me to his bed. I lay on my stomach in my underwear as he goes into the bathroom and brings out a mirror that’s prepped and ready to go. He packs the powder, slices through it expertly and I dip my finger and bring it up to my nose. I take a deep breath. This stuff is strong.

“Hmm,” I exhale deeply as I slowly float away. No pain. “Did you know that I was such a nerd in college, I didn’t do aaaanythiiiing? I should have gotten this out of my system when I was younger.”