Authors: LJ Baker
"Oh my God. You're pregnant!" Jenny squealed and jumped up from her seat to smother Mira with a hug. Precious jumped up and barked to join in the excitement.
Dan nudged my arm with his elbow and whispered, "This is what you couldn't tell me?"
I nodded.
Jay slid his hands down over her belly and smiled. "It was certainly a surprise, but I can't deny that it was one of the best surprises I've ever gotten."
Mira's smile faded and she leaned her head back against Jay. "I was pretty much in a panic at first, but after Jay and I spoke, I'm feeling a lot better about it." She looked at me and a small smile returned to her lips. "Thanks for being there with me today, Andi."
"Of course. I'm really happy for you guys."
Mira and Jay had been through a lot. So much more than me. I lost my parents and my friends, but they lost all that
and
their children. There was no comparison. I couldn't begin to understand their pain, yet they were able to build a new life, a life where they were happy. And even after all they'd been through, they were going to risk that pain all over again and bring another child into the world.
***
"So we're gonna have a baby around here, huh?" Will tossed the pillows on the bed and grabbed the blanket. My tossing and turning made our bed look like a tornado came through and it needed to be completely made back up each night. Because of course, we were too lazy to do it in the morning.
"Yeah. I mean, they didn't plan it, but ya know, it happens." I glanced over at the small night stand that housed our dwindling supply of condoms and thought about asking Dan for some of his.
Now that was going to be awkward
.
"It's not gonna be easy. To take care of a baby in this world. I mean, I guess they don't really have any choice, since it's too late now." Will pulled his sweatshirt over his head and tossed it onto the chair.
"Yeah, but it's never easy. We still need to live our lives and try to be normal."
"I guess." He hopped into bed and patted the mattress for me to join him."
"Don't you want to have kids?"
His attitude was starting to worry me.
He tilted his head and raised both eyebrows. "Is there something you want to tell me?"
"Don't be ridiculous. I'm not pregnant, but I do want kids someday. You don't?"I slipped into the bed beside him, but kept a little distance between us.
He didn't answer right away and his silence concerned me.
"I haven't really given it much thought. In a perfect world, we would get married, buy a house in the suburbs, and have a couple of kids. We'd both have great careers, but still have plenty of time for the kids. Hell I'd probably coach their little league team and you'd be class mom." He turned onto his side and propped himself on his elbow to look at me. "But babe, this isn't a perfect world. We are fighting for our lives here. Being pregnant would make you weaker, put you at risk. I can't lose you."
"So, you're saying you don't want kids?"
"I'm saying it's not that simple. Of course I want kids. There's nothing more in this world I'd want than to create something that was part of us both, except having you by my side. Thinking about losing you keeps me awake at night. It hides just below the surface every minute I'm not with you. If something happened to you, it would break me." He reached out and ran a finger over my lips. "Loving you is what keeps me breathing."
The combination of his words with the way he smiled at me, melted my heart and sent a warm shiver up my spine. I understood what he was saying because I felt the very same way. I'd almost lost him, more than once, and there was nothing that mattered more than having him alive and by my side. I'd give up anything for him. But that didn't mean I needed to.
"Will, I want to have kids someday. I want to stop fighting for our lives and start living them. For so long I thought I couldn't have that. But I know that's not true anymore. Look at Jay and Mira. They're making a life here and now they are rebuilding their family. I know we can have that too." I snuggled up close to him and rested my ear against his chest. The sound of his heartbeat gave me hope, something that before I met him, I thought I'd lost for good.
He ran his hand over the back of my neck, sending a shiver over my skin along the path. "If you believe that, then I know we can make it happen. Now take off that ridiculous hoodie and get over here."
"But it's freezing in here," I groaned.
One side of his mouth curved up into a devilish smile. "Don't worry, I'll keep you warm."
***
My mother stood in the middle of our kitchen wearing her apron, flour smeared across her face. She was baking her famous chocolate chip cookies, warm and gooey right out of the oven, the perfect blend of crispiness on the edges with a soft middle. One bite had you groaning in pleasure and ready to promise her your first born for even a single bite more. The woman was kind of a baking genius, a trait I clearly did not inherit.
As she stood there, cookie scoop in one hand, oven mitt covering the other, she was shaking her head at me. I wanted to run to her, throw my arms around her and tell her how much I'd missed her, but she just continued to shake her head as if warning me not to come any closer.
"Mom, what's wrong?"
She didn't answer.
I took a few steps closer. Her face drained of color and she dropped the scoop. She was staring at something behind me, so I turned to look, but it was just the empty room. When I turned back, John was behind her, knife held against her throat, smiling. I stopped, frozen in my tracks, with no clue what to do next.
I tried to speak, to tell him not to hurt her, but my lips went numb and refused to move. His smile widened as he pressed the blade into her flesh and blood trickled down her neck. My mother's eyes were wide and filled with tears. I slid my hand down to feel for my gun, knife, something, but I had no weapons on me. Something needed to be done, or he was going to kill her.
I forced my feet to take another step closer, but he held up one finger and waved it back and forth to stop me. My heart was pounding so hard in my chest that I thought for sure it would break free. He pressed the knife further and my mother's eyes fluttered closed. She opened her mouth to speak, but all she managed was my name.
In an instant, he slid the sharp steel across her throat and she slumped forward in his arms. Her last breath gurgled up through the opening in her neck and he dropped her into a heap on the kitchen floor. I wanted to jump over the counter and choke the life from him, but I was still unable to move. Helpless, I stood there as he laughed at me and licked the blood off the knife before sticking it in the sheath on his belt.
I turned my attention to the table in the corner to notice Dan and Will tied with thick ropes to chairs. John was looking from me to them and plotting out his next move.
"Now that Mommy's out of the way, I think we need to decide what to do with your boyfriends here." He walked over to the guys and ran his hand over the top of Dan's head. "I had so much fun with this one last time, I think that I should probably give the other one some attention. Don't you, duckling? You wouldn't want him to be left out, now would you?"
He took a few steps toward Will, while looking at me the whole time. I was glued to the spot, unable to move, my mouth clamped shut by some invisible force. He killed my mother while I watched and he was about to do the same to Will, yet I was powerless to stop it. The only part of me that seemed to be working was my heart as it beat wildly around in my chest, and my lungs that expanded and deflated at an alarming rate.
I tried to move my lips, to speak Will's name, tell him I loved him, but they betrayed me and remained silent. Will glared at me in accusation. He had every right to do so. I was the one free, standing there, yet doing nothing to help.
John ran his fingers over Will's chin and lifted it up to extend his neck. "Should I slit his throat like I did to your mommy, duckling?" He slid the side of the knife across his throat, light reflected through the window onto the knife and sparkled back at me. For one brief second, my vocal cords sprung to life and I screamed out.
"No!"
"No? Oh, well maybe you'd prefer if I stabbed him in the heart then?" He ripped open the front of Will's shirt and positioned the point of the blade against Will's skin. "No objections now?"
I tried to scream out again, but no sound would come.
Will narrowed his eyes and glared at me. "This is your fault, Andi."
I felt hands on my shoulders, shaking me, pulling me. All of a sudden, I was no longer frozen and I fought with all my strength.
"Andi, stop. It's me."
"No!" I struggled, kicked, yelled. I couldn't let Will die.
"Hey, calm down. You're having a bad dream. Wake up."
The voice was Will. Suddenly, he was above me. We were no longer in my old kitchen, but in our room in Hopewell. His face was no longer blaming, but worried.
"You were about to be… I was… I couldn't…I tried to—"
Will scooped me into his arms and stroked my hair to sooth me. "Shhh. It's okay. It was just a dream. We're both safe now."
"Are you sure?" I struggled against him to see around the room. It was morning and the light from the window filled the room.
"I'm sure. See? Just us."
I leaned back against him and took a few deep breaths. "I'm sorry."
He kissed the top of my head and smiled down at me. "For what?"
For not saving you in my dream
.
I looked up into his emerald eyes, so full of love, and I knew he'd never blame me that way. But there was so much guilt inside me. Guilt for the people I'd gotten hurt or killed, like my mother, my friends, Janet. I liked to think I wasn't weak, that I could take care of myself, but I knew it wasn't true. Even though I'd learned so much and gotten stronger through training, I was still a liability, and I didn't want to be the cause of Will's death.
Will's face softened and he pulled me up onto his lap. With his arms around me, I felt safe. The details of the dream faded and my heartbeat slowed to a more normal pace. We were safe for the moment. But maybe Dan was right. Maybe we should have gone back to the military base where at least I wouldn't have to worry about being the reason anyone else got killed.
CHAPTER TWENTY ONE
Throughout breakfast, Jenny went on about the new baby nearly nonstop. She bubbled over with excitement as she tried to decide if she was going to be an aunt or a big sister. Mira shared some of her enthusiasm, but was a little more restrained and cautious. I couldn't blame her. It was a scary thought to be bringing another life into the mix, who would be completely helpless and dependent. But to be pregnant and vulnerable for nine months, knowing that she wouldn't be able to protect herself as well, had to be on her mind, especially with how sick the pregnancy was making her.
"So what are you going to name the baby? If it's a girl I think you should name it Elyssa, and if it's a boy you should totally name it Quinn. But, you should have a girl, because girls are better. Oh my God, what if you have twins? You could have a girl and a boy."
Jay scrubbed his hands over his face and shook his head. "Whoa there, let's not go talking about twins. One baby is more than enough. I think you and Izzy should get to work on the breakfast mess before you head out to dig the last of the potatoes. We need to finish getting everything ready for the winter. It will be here before you know it."
"Fine." Jenny huffed and took Izzy by the hand to start clearing the dishes.
It was amazing how resilient kids could be. Outside our little community was in chaos. The dead ate the living. The living killed each other. The world was a mess, but watching Jenny act like a normal kid gave me hope.
I got up and stretched. The nightmares left me so exhausted that it almost felt like I'd hadn't slept at all. Jay grabbed my wrist and pulled me to the side.
"I want to apologize for yesterday." He leaned against the wall and lowered his eyes.
"What are you talking about?"
"I was kind of a jerk about you leaving Mira. I didn't know she sent you for the pregnancy test. Not that it's any excuse anyway. I shouldn't have talked to you like that, so I'm sorry."
"Don't be daft." I did my best to imitate Dan's Irish accent and waved my hand at him. "You left me to look after her and I wasn't there. You had every right to be angry."
Jay took a deep breath and brought his eyes up to meet mine. "We're a family here now. We all have to look out for each other. I'm just so used to having Mira, then Jenny, as my top concern. It's hard to let people in, ya know?"
Did I ever
.
"I know. It's an adjustment." I patted his arm and smiled. "For all of us."
Jay nodded and headed out to work on preps for the winter.
Will walked over and raised an eyebrow. "What was that about?"
"Nothing. He was apologizing for his attitude yesterday. You working with him today, or can I finally get some alone time with you before you're exhausted?" I slipped my arms up his back and into his hair. It was getting long and needed to be cut.