Authors: LJ Baker
Will gave me a puzzled look, but nodded anyway. He slipped his gun from the waistband of his jeans, and handed it to me. "Hold on to this. Just in case." He kissed the top of my head and left me there alone to watch over the fire.
I doubted he would go far and leave me completely on my own, but for the most part, I was grateful to be alone. I climbed up onto the huge rock and leaned back against the cold flagpole. The last time I was there was with Dan. He wanted to know what was up with me when I'd been hiding the pregnancy test for Mira. He told me I could always talk to him and I said he'd always be my best friend, but he was gone. I wouldn't be able to talk to him ever again, not really anyway.
All I'd wanted was a normal life. Whatever that even was those days. Dan said I could have all the things I thought I'd have before the outbreak, a career, marriage, kids, everything. In that moment, I would have settled for a quiet life with Will and Dan. Nothing more would be necessary to make me happy and complete my life. But I couldn't have that.
The fire crackled and lit up the square, tossing off bits of flaming ash and debris. The flames warmed me in the cool late autumn air and I let my mind drift off to memories of Dan. He would have wanted me to think about happy memories, to smile at the thought of him, and forget the pain. He'd loved me. It was never a secret, and I'd loved him back. The last thing he would have wanted was to see me hurt.
I couldn't help that though. Losing him was hard. The pain was worse than a knife piercing into my chest and it left my heart with an ache that I was sure would never leave. But for Dan, I would try. I would make the best of our screwed up world and try to have the best life I could. I'd carry him forever with me, however long, or short, forever was. I would live life for us both.
CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR
By the time the fire finally burned itself out, our little town was quiet and everyone was long asleep. Fear of what new nightmares might await me, kept me from joining them and without the fire to keep me warm, I needed to go inside. Will was asleep in a chair in the cafe where he could see me from the window, with his feet propped up on the table. Mira would have smacked him in the head if she'd seen that.
I knew I should wake him and bring him back to our room, but I wasn't ready for company. I just needed more time alone with my thoughts. I snuck around him, grabbed a small jar off the shelf near the stove and headed back outside.
I would have rather buried Dan, to have a place to go back to, to visit, but it wasn't what he wanted. We had a whole conversation about it one night around the fire with the group. Dan and Jay were both insistent on cremation. I tried to avoid the whole topic, because it was the last thing I wanted to think about. Talking about what happened to us after we were dead, meant that we could die, and there were already too many dead. And Dan made one more.
Back at the smoldering fire, I scooped a little of the hot ash into the jar and closed the lid tight. I wasn't sure what would happen to the rest of him, if they would wait for the rain to wash the remains away or if one of the guys would do something about it. Either way, I felt like I needed to save a small bit of him. For what, I had no clue, but I knew I needed it.
I made my way over to our sleeping quarters, though I had no intention of sleeping. Dan made his room on the far end, probably to avoid hearing me and Will at night, and I slipped into his room. I felt around in the dark for the lantern he kept next to the bed and flipped it on. White LED light bathed the room and called attention to the stark emptiness of the surroundings that matched what I felt inside.
His backpack sat on the floor next to a chair draped with empty clothes. I pulled his favorite hoodie off the top of the pile and slipped it over my head. The musky scent of body wash and something that was uniquely Dan, came up through my nose and spread over me like a warm blanket on a cold day. It was comforting, yet brought tears to my eyes at the same time. Over time his scent would fade and my memory would struggle to remember how it was he smelled, or sounded, or looked. For that moment, I wanted to remember, to get lost in it, and forget anything bad had ever happened.
I pulled the long zipper of his pack open and peered inside. He was like a girl with her purse with that thing and I was always curious what he kept in there. I rifled through the usual items, packaged food, tools, weapons, a water purifier, and other miscellaneous survival necessities. Under the things I expected to find, along with a few pieces of clothing, he had his journal and a plastic bag with some photos. I pulled the last two items out and sat down on his bed.
I pulled the slider across the top of the bag and slipped the stack of photos out. The first few were of people I didn't recognize with a younger version of Dan, probably his family, and a beautiful golden retriever. The next was of Dan, looking much the way he had recently, sitting on top of a black 1967 Impala, which I only knew because it said so on the back. What was it with boys and cars anyway? There were a few more of people I didn't know, then about six that I recognized clearly.
The last bunch of photos were of me. They were from various albums around the basement, except for one. The last photo on the bunch was one we took using the camera timer, on my birthday. It was me, Dan, Will, and Janet, all smiling together. How he managed to get that printed was beyond me. I had a memory card full of photos I would have liked to print if I'd known he found a working printer.
I ran my finger over the faces, from what seemed like an eternity ago. That day had started off so awful. I thought I'd lost Will forever, but in the end it worked out. I shoved my hand under the hoodie and pulled out the necklace Dan gave me for a birthday gift that day. It was my name on a pendant that we found on my old boyfriend Zach's body. Dan had taken it and put it on a chain for me. I hadn't taken it off since and I knew I never would. I'd added Janet's locket to the chain after Hadley had given it to me.
I stacked the photos up and slipped them back into the plastic bag and opened Dan's journal. The worn leather cover told a story all it's own and I almost didn't want to see what was hidden on the pages within. Stashed throughout were small photos, gum wrappers, and other mementos from stories I would never get to hear unless he'd written them into the book.
I flipped through the pages until I came across one marked with a small photo of me. It was my senior high school picture and he'd snatched it from my stuff when I'd first met him. The entry was more recent, with smeared ink as if it had gotten wet in a few spots. I pulled the lantern closer and glanced through the text.
I can't believe I'm such an idiot. Why do I behave that way? It's just so hard sometimes to see her with him, knowing I can never have what he does. She loves him. I know it, yet still, I can't get her out of my head. When I'm alone with her, I want to scoop her into my arms and kiss her like her life depends on it. Part of me thinks that if I did, she would open her beautiful blue eyes and stare up at me, and in that moment, she would know. It would be me she loved. Me she wanted. Me she called out for when she had nightmares. But I'm an idiot, as she likes to call me so often. Just a daft Irish boy, who wants another guy's girl
.
I shut the book and clenched it to my chest. Dan's thoughts played out in my head like a recording and I felt the pain he experienced when he wrote that entry. As much as I loved Will, at that moment, I wanted to go back in time and give him that chance to kiss me, to change my mind, to know that I loved him back. A few stray tears fell down my cheeks and landed on the journal. If he were there, Dan would have wiped them away with his thumb and made a joke about waiting for a madman in a blue box to take me back in time.
I pushed back on the bed and climbed under the blanket. The pillow was nearly flat from use, but smelled of Dan's shampoo, which brought a warm calm over me and reminded my body of its need for sleep. I closed my eyes and hoped for a dreamless sleep for once. It wasn't even the nightmares I was worried about that time. It was the memories.
***
The stark reality of daylight flooded the room as I struggled to open my eyes. They were still swollen from crying and partially crusted together. I rubbed at them to free my lashes and allow them to open, and saw Will sitting on the bed beside me.
"You should have woke me."
"You looked peaceful."
Will raised an eyebrow and pursed his lips. "On a chair?"
I pulled myself to an upright position and tucked the journal under the blanket, out of sight. "Okay, so I wanted to be alone."
"Andi, I totally get that, but I woke up and didn't find you. Then I check our room and you weren't there either."
"I'm sorry." I glanced down and knew he was right.
Will lifted the corner of the blanket and glanced at the journal. "He would have known where to look for you."
He was right. Dan just got me. He knew me better than I knew myself. Better than Will probably ever would.
"I wish I could make this easier for you." He sighed and looked away.
"You do. You make everything better. It hurts that Dan's gone. I won't lie. But if it had been you…" I choked back the lump in my throat and tried not to let that thought sink too far in.
He pulled me into his arms and buried his face in my hair. "I love you so much."
"I love you too."
***
Part of me wanted to leave Dan's room the way it was, untouched as he'd left it, but the part of me unable to let go insisted on dragging his stuff down the hall to my room. His pack weighed nearly close to what I did, so actually picking it up was out of the question. Will tried to help, but for some reason, I had to do it myself.
Will insisted that I come to breakfast, but the thought of food made my stomach turn. I couldn't even remember when I'd last eaten. I pictured the face Dan would have given me for not taking better care of myself, right before he would have cooked me something and insisted I eat.
Mira set a dish of eggs down in front of me and gave me a sad smile. "Try to eat something."
I nodded and forced a smile back at her, because what else could I do? I could cry and mourn, but none of it would bring him back. I picked up the fork, stabbed a few bits of food, and slid them into my mouth. They tasted exactly like the eggs Mira made almost every morning, but to my tongue, it was cardboard. Empty. Tasteless. But it was a step in the right direction.
"Who's gonna cook now when Mira gets too fat?" Jenny asked.
"Excuse me?" Mira raised an eyebrow at the girl and rubbed her belly. "I'm pregnant, not getting fat, and I can cook just fine with a baby in my stomach."
"So, it won't be Andi, right?" Jenny ducked before Mira could slap her. "Just saying." She shrugged and got up from the table.
Jay stood in front of her and gave her what Mira liked to call the
stare down
, before she turned back and walked over to me.
"I'm sorry. It's just that Dan was a really good cook." Tears filled her little blue eyes. "I'm gonna miss him." She flung herself down on me and wrapped her arms around my body. Precious nipped at my shoe and barked in protection of the girl.
"I know honey, me too. Anyway, you're right, he was an awesome cook and I suck."
She lifted her small face and looked into my eyes. "You sort of do."
I couldn't help but laugh at her and I knew Dan would have done the same.
Jenny kissed my cheek, grabbed Izzy's hand, and headed outside to work on her chores. Just like she had the day before. She looked around cautiously before moving from the doorway, looked back at us, and left. My stomach dropped and I had to push my thoughts from my mind.
"Andi," Jay started and put a hand on my shoulder. "I was thinking about burying the rest of the remains. There's an old cemetery back behind the fields."
"Actually, can we bury him near where he is now? By the rock?"
"Of course. Anywhere you'd like."
"I think he'd like that better. I mean, if everyone else is okay with it. It's not just up to me."
"It kind of is, babe. Dan was your best friend. You were closest to him, so that makes it exactly up to you." Will took my hand and rubbed his thumb over my palm. "I can make him a marker for the grave. Do you know his birthday?"
I nodded. "February nineteenth. He would have been Twenty-Three."
Far too young to be gone.
"All right then. I'm gonna get to it. Will, can you give me a hand?" Jay stepped to the door and paused for Will's answer.
"Okay if I go?" Will waited, to make sure I didn't need him, even thought I was sure he knew my answer already.
"Yeah, of course."
Once the room was clear of everyone but me and Mira, she slid her chair closer to mine and rested her chin in her hand that was propped up on her elbow. "Now what?"
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Now, I guess, we go on. When we were back at the basement and I was watching those savages torture him, all I could think was
he's gonna die
and how I couldn't go on without him in my life."