Authors: LJ Baker
Everything stayed quiet for a good five minutes, before I noticed Will headed in my direction. I stood up, without even thinking, and propelled myself into his arms.
"Is everyone…are they all…?
"As long as there were no more hiding out there, yeah, they're dead. I can't believe you did that. You could have gotten yourself killed." He squeezed me tight against him and rested his chin on my head.
"Is Mira okay?"
"Yes. She's with Jay in the barn." He pushed back to look at me and his eyes told me something was very wrong. "You need to come."
He took my hand and tried to pull me toward the barn.
"Is it Jay? Did he get hit? Oh my God, is it Izzy?" My feet slid along the gravel as he pulled me.
Will turned to plead with me. "No. I need you to walk, Andi."
"Just
tell
me." I dug my feet down and yanked my hand from his. If he didn't tell me what was going on exactly then, I was sure I'd puke.
"Baby, I'm so sorry. There was so much confusion, and I didn't even notice right away, but…"
The sound of his voice faded and a tingling ran up my arms. Suddenly, I no longer wanted to hear what he had to say. I knew it was bad, worse than I wanted to know.
Will bent down and lifted me over his shoulder. If he hadn't, I probably would have passed out anyway. He carried me into the barn and set me on my feet, but kept a hand on me to make sure I stayed upright.
Izzy and Jenny sat on a bale of hay and hugged each other, crying. Blood trickled down Izzy's head, but it didn't look life threatening. Jay cradled Mira in his arms only a few feet from the girls. Fat, wet tears ran down Jay's face as Mira stroked his face to comfort him. He'd come so close to losing her and I understood the rush of emotions that he felt having her safe again.
At first, it didn't click. My eyes scanned the room and I saw our friends safe, albeit a bit banged up, but alive. I turned back to Will, confused.
"But, everyone is all—"
Will turned me around and I nearly dropped to the floor right there. Dan was spread out on some hay, his middle blood-soaked, as he held a filthy towel against his wound.
I took the few steps to him and fell to my knees on the hard floor. It never occurred to me that it would be Dan. It couldn't be. He would always be there, he promised me.
"Hey sweetheart." Dan forced a smile and coughed.
"You were shot?" I wanted to lift the old rag and see how bad it was, but I couldn't bring myself to touch it. My head spun and my stomach twisted around itself, threatening to eject its contents.
He shrugged and reached out for me with his free hand. "Yeah. Just a little bit." He coughed again and blood spilled over through the rag, onto the barn floor.
"Oh my God. This is my fault. I'm so sorry." Tears streamed down my face and I leaned down against him, covering the bloody mess with my body.
"Don't be daft, love. You weren't the one who shot me." He tried to laugh, but it took more energy than he had.
I lifted my head to look at him. "It is though. I might as well have shot you myself!"
He lifted his hand off the rag and took my other hand. "Don't you dare feel guilty about this. What you did probably saved the whole group. This was not your fault, love."
I pressed my lips together to stop them from quivering, but it was no use. There was so much blood and I knew it had to be bad.
Dan closed his eyes and his breathing slowed. "I'm so sorry."
"What? Why? It's all my—"
He held two bloody fingers up to my lips to quiet me. "I don't want to leave you."
"You can't. You promised me you wouldn't." I grabbed the towel and pressed it back against him to stop the bleeding, but I knew it wasn't going to help. "No. Please," I begged, as if it would miraculously make him better.
His hand loosened from mine and slipped free. I grabbed it back, but he no longer had the strength to hold it back.
He opened his eyes again, smiled and whispered. "I love you."
He coughed once more, then took a few short breaths. Then silence.
I looked up at Will, wanting him to tell me it wasn't what I thought. That Dan was going to open his eyes, take another breath, anything but what it was.
Will bend down and put his arm around my shoulder. "I'm so sorry, Andi." Tears filled his eyes and he tried to hold them back.
"No." I shook my head. Dan couldn't be dead. He promised me.
I pulled free from Will and threw myself over Dan's still body. I lost everyone, my family, my friends, Janet. I couldn't lose Dan too. It couldn't be real. I listened for a heartbeat against his blood-soaked shirt, but all I heard was my own, slamming wildly against my chest. The room spun around me and everything crashed in.
Dan was dead.
CHAPTER TWENTY THREE
I didn't even remember leaving the barn or how I got back to my room, but that was where I found myself, alone in the dark. I was probably asleep, but I wasn't even sure. My eyes were swollen and sore from crying and there was a pain deep in my chest that hurt so much more than any broken ribs ever could. I wanted to hope for just one short second that when I opened my eyes, it was all a bad dream, but the stabbing pain in my heart refused to allow it.
I didn't even bother with the light, as I rolled off the bed and felt around for my boots.
The boots Dan found for me
.
I made my way out of the room and across to the cafe where a flickering light shown through the window. Will, Jay and Mira were sitting at the table, the room fell silent when I walked in and took the seat next to Will.
"How you feeling, hon?" Jay asked, pity evident on his face.
I took a breath and expanded my aching lungs with oxygen that I wasn't even sure I wanted. I wanted to have an answer for him, but the truth was, there weren't any words to describe what I was feeling and each person in the room knew exactly how that was, so I just nodded. I didn't know what for. It meant nothing. It wasn't like a simple nod could describe the hole I felt in my heart that could never be replaced. I'd cried and screamed into Will's chest earlier until my throat was sore and my head throbbed so bad it felt like my brain would seep out of my ears. It didn't help.
Will scooted his chair closer and looped his arm through mine. "We're going to have a little service for him when you're ready."
What he really meant was that we were going to lay him out on top of a bed of brush and sticks and set him on fire. Dan made it clear that he wanted to be cremated, to be cleansed in fire, as he put it. The thought of it sent a stabbing pain through my belly and brought with it an intense nausea that forced me to clamp my hand over my mouth and clear my head of the thought. It was what he wanted, so I had to suck it up and deal, but it was so permanent, so real. And I didn't want it to be real.
Mira reached across the table and took my hand into hers. "Andi, you and Jenny saved all our lives, mine and the baby's especially. I know it doesn't make it any easier, but what you did meant something."
I nodded again and pressed my lips tight together to stop myself from saying something I'd regret. I was glad Mira was okay, and Jay and the others, but I was always going to think that maybe if I hadn't done it, Dan might still be alive. And if I could go back and do it again, I'd pick Dan over every single one of them, except maybe for Will.
"Babe, if you're not up for this—"
"No, I am." I stood, a sudden rush to get it over with spread through me and I knew If we didn't do it then, I wouldn't be able to do it, ever. "Where is he?" I glanced around the table. Not one of them had moved and were all staring at me.
Again with the pity
.
"Well?" I raised my voice, even though I tried to remain calm. I knew they thought I wasn't ready, but how do you ever be ready for such a thing?
Will stood and slipped his hand into mine. "I'll take you."
He led me outside to an area near the middle of town. It was next to the giant rock that I'd sat on while I talked with Dan. He was always easy to talk to, always the one I could go to no matter what and know he wouldn't judge me. But he was gone. My best friend was gone.
Will stopped a few feet from the make-shift funeral pyre and released my hand. "If you want to take a few minutes to say goodbye… I mean, if you—"
"Yeah, I get it." The six or so feet to where he was, seemed like the longest six feet in history. It was like one of those dreams where you are running down a hall, but the hall just keeps getting longer and you never actually get to the end. When I finally made it to him, my legs went numb and trembled, threatening to give out. I tensed every muscle in my body, and willed them to hold.
He looked peaceful, but pale. Someone had taken the time to wash him up and put him in a clean shirt. It was a black thermal knit that always looked great on him and for a brief moment, I smiled, knowing he would approve.
His hands were folded across his chest, as was typical when preparing a body for its final rest. I thought about what Dan would say to me if he were there, standing beside me, rather than laid out before me. He wouldn't tell me not to be sad, as people typically do. Dan wasn't that kind of person. He probably would have draped his arm over my shoulder and let me feel whatever it was I needed to feel. And when I was ready, he would tell me he was sorry, or say wished he could take the pain for me. He'd call me sweetheart, or love, and his amazing Irish accent would make me smile, even when all I wanted to do was cry.
I slid my hand up and placed it over his. They were rigid and cold, but all I wanted was to feel them around me, warm and comforting. Something I'd never again get to feel. I leaned down and kissed his lips for the last time ever and tried to swallow the lump lodged in the back of my throat.
Will came forward and slipped his hand across my back and I could hear the others making their way over.
"Babe, are you ready?" Will's voice cracked, as he tried not to cry. I knew he was trying to be strong for me, because I was definitely not strong at that moment.
I didn't think I'd ever be ready for what was about to happen, but again, I nodded. Will took my hand and led me back a bit while Jay tossed some gas over the pyre and Dan. I shut my eyes tight, not wanting to see my best friend doused in accelerant. The smell alone was enough to turn my stomach and I knew every time I smelled that same smell from then on, I'd think of that day.
Mira stepped forward and took the hand Will wasn't holding. "Should we say something?"
I remembered when my aunt died a couple years before the outbreak. My mother got up in front of everyone and told some stories about when she was little. Mom cried, and the entire place followed suit. My aunt was a nasty bitch who had about sixty cats, but everyone talked about what a great woman she was. None of it made any sense to me.
I shook my head and pulled my hand from hers. I had to fight the urge to turn and run. The longer I stood there, the harder it became. "Can we please just do this?" I meant it to come out strong, confident, but my vocal cords betrayed me and squeaked it out just above a whisper.
"Of course." Jay stepped forward and lit a match, touched it to the book engulfing it, and tossed it into the pile.
I expected the whole thing to light up in a swoosh of smoke and fire, but it was like nothing I expected. It took a few minutes for the smoke to thicken and rise up in a black cloud that I'd hoped wouldn't draw more attention to us. I didn't have it in me to fight anymore that day. Once the flames really took hold, the process went a lot faster, spreading from one end of the log bed to the other.
Will stood behind me with his arms clasped across my stomach and kissed my head every so often. All I really wanted in that moment, besides to have Dan alive again, was to be alone. I wanted them all to leave me there, to let me watch the fire burn until it went out on its own, no matter how long it took.
It was as if Mira could read my mind. She and Jay stepped toward me and waited for me to turn from the fire to look at them. "Andi, is there anything we can do?"
I shook my head, still not trusting my voice to work the way I wanted it to.
"Okay then, we are going to head inside. Please let us know if there's anything you need, any time." She leaned in and kissed my cheek, the stepped aside so Jay could do the same.
Jay's face was bathed in guilt. We exchanged a knowing glance that said the choice I made saved Mira and left Dan in a burning heap, gone forever. He was grateful for what I'd done, but I wasn't quite ready to not feel regret about that decision.
Jenny and Izzy came forward and gave me a hug, one at a time, then ran off ahead of Jay and Mira. Will and I were left alone with the giant flaming remainder of what was our closest friend.
"It will take awhile for it to finish. If you want to go inside, I can stay here."
I took a breath and hoped my voice would come out the way I intended. "Actually, I'd rather you went inside and let me stay."