Hold My Hand (3 page)

“How‘ve you been?” William’s
warm voice washed over me. His eyes were working to read me. They
were the most beautiful cocoa brown, so warm they melted my
reservations, as the sun shone through the coffee shop window and
landed on our table. His gaze though was intense when he looked at
me – nearly too much to be focused in on one person especially when
that one person was me.

“
Missing you.” My
voice was soft. I wanted to say more but I simply answered his
question. It’s how I’ve been trained.
Don’t be stupid, Aubrey, just answer the
question.

“Good. I prefer it that
way.” He smiled. I‘d earned another smile from this amazing man.
Relieved, I sighed and returned a smile of my own. “You’ll be done
working soon?”

“Yes. I have just a few more
hours until I’m off.”

He looked at his watch and
then back at me. “I’ll return here at seven then.” Then he walked
out of the coffee shop without another word, leaving me shaken. I’d
expected our conversation to happen here. I’d been prepared to give
him my boundaries – limits, as they called them on the site I
looked at on-line – and to agree on them. Here, in a public place;
but William had other ideas.

Now I sat here alone
wondering, for the seventeenth time, just what I’d gotten myself
into. Since I knew how crazy I’d sound to those who knew me, I told
no one about this man I’d met, this man I’d come to need with
unexplainable certainty. Instead, I remained isolated in my
thoughts and planned to do so until I’d reconciled just what it was
I was entering into.

Despite being my closest
sister, I shared nothing with Evelyn who’d found happiness in a
simple life back in Ohio and had trouble understanding why I needed
more. I also left my one friend here in Boston in the dark. I was
alone in this discovery because it was my secret, my private
exploration.

I walked into the
unknown.

It was Baylor, his driver,
who walked into the shop that night. “Ma’am,” he nodded at me and
handed me the cell phone he held.

“Aubrey.” William’s voice
wafted through the line, the warm sound sliding down my tummy. “I’m
held up in a meeting. Baylor will deliver you to my home and I’ll
be there shortly.” I could hear voices in the background, hushed
but present. I made a note to ask William soon what type of
business he was in.

“
Ok. That’s fine.” I’m
not sure about being delivered; the term made me feel like a
package. Perhaps I’d try to think of myself as a special delivery.
I shook my head at the absurdity of the thought. When had I ever
been something special?
Sometimes you’re just a waste of space, Aubrey.

“Good. I’ll see you soon.
Baylor will attend to you, whatever you need.”

“Thank you.”

I thought he’d simply click
the phone off then but he cleared his throat, “And Aubrey,” he
paused, “I-I am sorry. I didn’t want us to begin this way.” I was
still processing his apology when the call ended. I returned the
phone to Baylor, grabbed up my coat and purse and followed him to
the car waiting outside the door.

William’s voice – his
apology had been so sincere. I couldn’t imagine it mattering that
much to him. I wasn’t important enough for someone to worry
over.
You are nothing,
Aubrey, nothing of value.
No one
had ever been concerned for me like that before. It unnerved me to
consider William might actually like me enough to worry. Would he
care for me eventually? I couldn’t dare believe it.

The car pulled up outside a
large brick and stone home. It was big enough for a full family.
The ride had been about twenty minutes so we must’ve been in one of
the smaller suburbs framing Boston. As Baylor opened my door and
offered his hand, I unfolded my body from the car and stood beside
him, certain my mouth was hanging open.

“
This is William’s
home?” The quiver in my voice certainly gave away my uncertainty,
my complete disbelief that this man I’ve met and have now agreed to
date –if in fact, that’s what I’ve agreed to– lived in this home
more suited for a full family of eleven.

“Yes ma’am.”

“
He lives here?” I
still couldn’t believe what I was seeing though it was right in
front of my eyes. The house where I’d been raised could sit well
inside this massive structure, which left me feeling small, tiny
and insignificant. If nothing had yet to do it, this was the moment
where my inadequacies smacked me square in the face.
You’ll never be anything,
Aubrey.

Baylor seemed to sense
my unease, shuffling his feet next to me and waiting. He cleared
his throat. “He also has an apartment in the city for times he
can’t get away. This is more his weekend residence.”

“
Oh,” I answered, took
a deep breath and gave myself a moment to absorb this. It was so
far from my reality; I could hardly make sense of it.

“
Shall we go in?”
Baylor stretched out his arm to indicate I should head towards the
front door. I walked ahead of him but looked back to make sure he
was following me. Baylor seemed older than me but not by much. He
was built like a boulder and if it weren’t for the gentle way he
interacted with me, I might’ve been intimidated by his mass. He
carried himself as if prepared for anything. It made me wonder what
his role with William was but I doubted he’d tell me even if I
dared to inquire.

“Baylor, I’d feel better if
you called me Aubrey.”

“Yes ma’am.” Baylor
responded on instinct. When I looked at him, rolling my eyes and
shaking my head, he laughed at himself. “A habit, I suppose. I’ll
try my best to call you Aubrey.”

I smiled and shook my head,
aware that the offer to use my first name wouldn’t come easy to
him. Still, I wanted him to know he didn’t need to stand on
ceremony with me.

My first impression of
William’s home was reinforced once inside. The two-story foyer
echoed as my shoes touched softly on the marble floor. Baylor
headed for the open living room to the right and I followed. There
were large plush sofas edged by heavy wood tables, an even larger
stone fireplace, and well-stocked bookshelves that lined nearly an
entire wall. I ran my fingers across a mahogany desk placed at an
angle in the corner. Nothing was out of place – nothing seemed
used. It was oddly void of life. That’s what I was thinking when I
noticed the wall of windows that opened the room out to a patio
sitting above a hill of green, well-landscaped gardens. The yard,
much like the house and everything inside of it, was large. Perhaps
it was only fitting since William was larger than life to me.

“Can I get you anything?
What would you like to drink?”

“I don’t drink,” I replied
on instinct.

Baylor chuckled, “so I’ve
heard. But I was actually just meaning water or Diet Coke
perhaps?”

“Right,” my cheeks flamed
red, “I’m sorry. I guess I’m just edgy. Diet Coke would be great.”
I stuttered but thankfully got all the words out and Baylor didn’t
seem to notice. He simply nodded and walked out of the room, I’d
assumed to go to the kitchen and retrieve my drink. I realized then
that he had offered me my favorite soda choice and wondered how he
knew. Could it just be coincidence? Somehow, I doubted it.

When he returned, he handed
me my drink along with a folder. “William asked that I give this to
you as reading material before he arrives home.”

I looked at Baylor
uncertainly but took the folder. Once he left the room again, I sat
on the sofa and opened it, thankful I hadn’t yet taken a sip of my
Diet Coke.

*****

It was only an hour or
so until I heard William come through the front door. Baylor’s
voice echoed off the walls of the foyer as he told William that I
was in the sitting room. And then William dismissed him. It was now
just the two of us, just William and me; I knew this when I’d
agreed to meet him tonight. I wanted this when I agreed to this
arrangement, this proposal he offered me. Still my hands shook, my
belly quivered. I was nervous because he was such a powerful man
and I was just Aubrey.
You are nobody.

Still, he’d been up front
with me. He intended for us to date. That, at least, I completely
understood. The part that shocked me, that still seems shocking,
was his candidness about wanting me to submit to him. His
frankness, though shocking, was equally reassuring. Now I had no
reason to believe he wasn’t being honest.

“Aubrey, you look lovely.”
Taking me by surprise, William came up behind me from the back of
the sofa. I jumped to my feet, startled, but immediately melted
into his deliciously warm voice. Its effect was nearly as strong as
his eyes.

William stepped forward into
me. We were toe-to-toe, nose-to-nose. I could feel his breath when
he spoke, “Aubrey.” He used his forefinger to raise my chin and
force my gaze to meet his. “I’m enchanted. Always. Enchanted. By
sweet. Aubrey.” He punctuated each word with a simple kiss, on my
forehead, my nose, and each cheek.

My mouth suddenly dry, I
swallowed down the lump and licked my lips as my heart rate
accelerated. “Thank you.”

William’s eyes were on my
lips and I wondered if he’d kiss me. I wanted him to; I craved him
despite the hummingbirds in my stomach. Fixing my gaze to his, I
watched his brown eyes turn darker and his brows fall over his
eyelids. I hesitated and then pulled my gaze down to the floor
between us.

William chuckled and
placed a soft kiss on my head. “Come, dinner is ready for us in the
dining room.” As he tugged me along toward a dining area across the
foyer, I wondered who cooked our dinner. I wondered if he’d be
offended if I asked.

“Aubrey, you’re so easy for
me to read. I’ve a housekeeper who typically puts dinner in the
oven for me before she leaves in the afternoon. Tonight, Baylor
took the liberty of setting it out for us.” He shook his head,
pulled out my chair to seat me before continuing, “If I’m correct,
you have an admirer. Baylor seems smitten with you.”

“I’d rather you be smitten
with me.” The words raced out before I could halt the brakes. The
shock must’ve shown. After only a moment’s pause, William laughed.
His hearty, robust laugh made me laugh along with him. I couldn’t
remember the last time I laughed, the last time I had enough
light-heartedness not to care. I imagined doing this often with
William.

“I’ll admit to also being
smitten, quite smitten actually.” Seated now across the table from
me, William poured us each some wine. “Now eat. Maribel makes
delicious roast.”

I did as William said and as
in all things, he was right. Maribel had prepared a delicious meal
– roast with potatoes and carrots, celery and green beans all
roasted in a creamy tomato sauce. I enjoyed it so much that I found
myself full all too quickly. There wasn’t much conversation as we
ate and the quiet unnerved me. I grew restless, toying with my
napkin, twirling my water glass. My nerves swirled up from my belly
and manifested in boundless energy.

“Don’t fidget. I’ve
mentioned how unflattering it was before.” William commanded and I
immediately obeyed as if on instinct alone. My squirming ceased and
he smiled. Relieved to see his happiness, I sighed. If I were a
piano, he’d be my maestro and I’d want nothing more than to play
beautiful music at his hands.

It was as soon as I laid my
napkin onto the table that William turned serious. “You’ve decided
that we can have a relationship.”

“Yes.” My eyes rested on the
napkin that I’ve replaced on my lap. “It’ll be my first.”

“Your first
relationship?”

“Yes. Of course you already
know the other.” I was certain my cheeks were now flaming in
embarrassment.

“
The other? You mean
the submission?” He mocked me, aware I didn’t want to speak the
words. Maybe he thought to draw me out with his questions but I was
too well trained to speak more than necessary.
You never have anything useful to
contribute.

I shook myself from my
thoughts to answer. “Yes, the submission,” I paused to steel myself
for my next admission. “I’m worried I won’t make you happy. I’ve no
experience.”

“
You’ll make me happy.
You already have. I’ve already told you I’ll teach you everything
you need to know. Together, we’ll each be more than satisfied,” he
paused and I was all too aware of his eyes burning into me but I
couldn’t look up of my own volition.

William reached across the
table and his fingers stroked my chin before lifting it upwards. My
eyes remained downcast but I could see his lips now. He licked them
before he continued speaking, “I‘ll explain exactly what I expect,
what I want and when I want it. And my instincts tell me you’ll
become good at giving it to me.”

“And if I don’t, you’ll
p-punish me?” I almost didn’t get the word out. Punishment goes
hand-in-hand with pain and I don’t like either of them.

“
Yes. I’ll punish you,
and you’ll learn from that as well. But remember I told you,” he
paused, licked his bottom lip and pursed his lips, “it’ll hurt.
Discipline isn’t meant to be pleasant, only to teach a
lesson.”

William shifted his body
closer to me, so close I felt his heat, his warmth. “My sweet
Aubrey, I’ll show you heights you haven’t even imagined. Just as
you’ll give me everything I need, you’ll be everything I need.”

A piece of me screamed to
flee, to run as far away as I can. However, a larger part of me
screamed louder to embrace this man promising me the world. I
sensed a closeness to freedom I’ve never experienced before. This
thought confounded me since I was surrounded by his presence. I was
most certainly not free. William was all around me. His intensity
enveloped me and like a hungry vagrant, I scurried to gather it
closer to myself. Forcing my eyes upward to meet William’s gaze, I
nodded –just once– and he smiled. He didn’t realize in this simple
gesture, he’d already given me more than I hoped.