Holiday with a Stranger (14 page)

She reached down to the table next to her and lifted the cake she’d picked up that morning, which had the word
Sorry
iced on it in large letters.

‘I’m going to skulk away now, and leave you all to it, but I’ll see you tomorrow,’ she said, stepping down from the chair and turning to give Abi a smile. Her friend smiled back and gave her a silent clap, nodding her head in appreciation.

She was under no illusion that she was going to be totally forgiven right away, but it was a start.

* * *

Josie felt drained for the rest of the day. She paced aimlessly around London, barely taking in her surroundings.

The South Bank hummed with life as she wandered past bars filled with people out enjoying a drink in the sunshine. Their chatter and laughter rang out across the water, mixing with the hypnotic sound of the tide lapping against the shore. Josie imagined she was floating above it all, in some kind of dispossessed state. Disconnected.

The sun penetrated her clothes and warmed her skin. Vitamin D. Good for her happiness levels. Her stomach plunged as Connor’s words filtered through her mind.

How was it possible to ache for someone so much?

Being with him had made her question exactly what she wanted from life. He’d drawn back the veil to show her how much fun she was missing, leaving an aching sadness in her belly for all the wasted opportunities, all the friends she’d let fall by the wayside. She was proud of what she’d helped achieve with the business but, like any addiction, she’d let it overtake her life to the point where it had become unhealthy.

Cold turkey with a side order of Connor had been a roaring success.

Connor.
She’d got over her crazy workaholic attitude. Now she just needed to get over him too.

The hopelessness of the situation came back to haunt her every so often, and she had to duck into a shop or gallery in order to give her brain something else to focus on. There was a constant tight feeling in her throat and her stomach churned, so she didn’t even bother to try and eat anything.

She knew what she needed to do. She needed to arrange some counselling to work through her anger issues, stop living in Maddie’s shadow and be her own person—take responsibility for her actions. Make the effort to start seeing friends again, cut back on the amount she was working and get her bloody life back.

Meet someone new, perhaps?

Sadness crushed her at the thought. She didn’t want anyone else. Connor was so right for her in a lot of ways.

But he didn’t want her. Not for a proper relationship anyway. He’d made that very plain.

* * *

Connor had been sure he’d be able to banish the thought of Josie and leave France with a clean conscience.

But he couldn’t.

He’d thought he’d be pleased to be on the move again. But he wasn’t.

There hadn’t been a day in the past week when he hadn’t thought about her, and it was becoming a problem. He was having trouble sleeping, which was really unusual for him. When he did sleep he dreamed about Josie, and when he woke to find he wasn’t holding her he felt as if someone had punched him in the gut.

He’d gone out every evening to sit by himself, nursing a beer and thinking, thinking, thinking.

A couple of brave and not unattractive women had approached him in the bars as he’d sat staring into his drinks and he’d talked to them, willing his recalcitrant brain to give them the opportunity to impress him, but he’d found them puerile and dull compared to Josie’s exhilarating company.

She was one of a kind, that woman, and he’d let her slip through his fingers.

After his family’s dismissal of him he’d spent so long on his own he’d forgotten how to care about someone else. Josie had reminded him of how good it could feel. The problem was she’d also highlighted how terrifying it was to trust someone with his affections again. Hence that panic attack.

He’d been searching for unconditional love from his partners—something he’d been missing since he’d lost his grandmother—but he had no right to expect that. He needed to earn it.

It occurred to him that he’d used his family’s lack of interest in him over their business as a convenient excuse when he’d wanted to end a relationship, because Josie’s passion about her career, her drive and determination, were the things that he valued most about her.

He spent his days in a sleep-deprived daze and started making mistakes with the project, which he couldn’t afford to do.

He missed her. He missed her smile; he missed her energy and her passion. He missed the way she played music on her legs as if they were a piano, and the way she looked at him with those beautiful intelligent eyes.

He’d told himself to forget her when she’d left him in France, that there was no point pursuing anything with her. The whole gamut of arguments had run through his head. She was too wrapped up in her career to be worth the effort. He wanted her, but he didn’t want it to turn into anything too serious. It wasn’t fair on either of them. She was too work-focused. He was too transient. It would never work. He’d be an idiot to open the whole thing up again.

None of those arguments seemed to work. She was still all he could think about.

It was going to take a lot more than he’d first thought to get Josie Marchpane out of his head. She’d somehow instilled herself into his psyche and no matter what he thought about she wouldn’t goddamn go away.

Perhaps he’d finally found a reason to stop leaving? Was Josie going to be the one who helped him find the peace he’d been craving for so long? Could he allow himself to trust that they had a future? Could she be the one to keep him grounded? There was a good chance that he could answer yes to all those questions.

Without the distraction of Josie’s dynamic presence it had all come rushing in on him. The emptiness. The total singleness of his existence. She’d opened Pandora’s Box in his mind and all the angst and pain had come rushing out.

Before meeting Josie he’d been fine, hopping from girlfriend to girlfriend over the years, never getting too involved, never giving too much of himself. That had been why Katherine had riled him so much—she’d been more demanding than the rest and he’d found himself plagued by her to the point of being stalked. Poor Katherine. He knew what it felt like now to want someone so much you were willing to make a fool of yourself for them.

It was time to stop running. To turn around, face his fears in an open and honest way and trust they wouldn’t knock him on his ass.

TEN

Walking into the
grand lobby of the hotel where the awards ceremony was taking place, Josie steeled herself to face her family.

Barely acknowledging the opulent surroundings and the throngs of famous faces, she pushed her way through towards the ballroom, where a stage was set up for the show.

She’d managed to duck out of the past few family get-togethers, but she knew it was time to get over her anxieties. She was just as much a part of the family as Maddie and she refused to consider herself secondary any longer. This was her getting on with her life, moving forward. She would face them and come out fighting on the other side.

Her mother was standing in the doorway to the ballroom and as soon as she spotted Josie she came busying over, resplendent in a heavily shoulder-padded eighties throwback gown and six-inch heels with diamante bows. Clearly Josie was completely underdressed in her simple slip dress and flats, if her mother’s face was anything to go by.

‘You made it, then?’

The condescension in her voice made Josie’s pulse quicken.

Keep cool and ignore! Ignore!
The words ran through her head. She’d probably need to turn it into a mantra and repeat it ad nauseum if she was going to survive a night with her mother at this thing and leave with her head held high. But she would do it. She would be serene and poised.

‘Follow me. It’s about to begin. We don’t want to embarrass ourselves by being late to the table,’ her mother said, beckoning her with a flapping hand. ‘They’ve put us right at the front.’ She moved her head back so her mouth was lined up with Josie’s ear. ‘I suspect we’re there so Maddie can get out easily to the stage,’ she said, not bothering to lower her voice a jot and wiggling her eyebrows as if she was imparting some great secret to the world.

Clearly Maddie
not
winning this thing would not be tolerated.

Josie followed her mother’s swinging bottom, scooting through the packed tables, keeping her head high. She would
not
be intimidated by all the hoopla.

When they reached their destination she only managed a feeble wave at her sister and father before there was an announcement about the ceremony starting in five minutes.

Sitting down next to them, she crossed her legs and straightened her skirt, ready to take her place as ‘loving sister’ in front of all Maddie’s friends and admirers.

‘Have you been away, Josie?’ her father asked, leaning in, a studious frown on his face. ‘It looks like you’ve been out in the sun.’

She gave him a tight smile. ‘Yes. I went to France for a couple of weeks.’

The look on his face didn’t give her much hope that this was going to be an easy conversation.

‘So who was looking after your business while you were
holidaying
?’ He said the last word as if she’d actually been in prison for drug smuggling instead of having some well-needed time out.

‘Abi had it all under control.’

He nodded. ‘I see.’

She thought that was it. That she’d got away without having to elucidate. But unfortunately her mother had other ideas.

‘Isn’t it a bad time for you to be going away, Josie?’ she asked, giving her trademark concerned frown. ‘If you want that business to actually make some money you should be fully focussing your energy there. Surely there’s time for a break once you’ve managed to start making a dent in the marketplace?’

Josie wondered why her hands were hurting—until she looked down to see that she’d made deep welts in her palms with her nails. Her heart raced as adrenaline and anger surged through her.

She was not putting up with this. No way. Not any more. She was worth more than a disgruntled footnote in her parents’ encyclopaedia of life.

‘The business is fine,’ she said through clenched teeth. ‘I, on the other hand, am not. I’m tired of trying to please you. I realise now it’s an impossible task, and I’m not prepared to waste any more time or energy on it. My business is just that. Mine. I’m doing it for
me
now, not you.’

She realised she was pointing a shaky finger at their shocked faces but she was too far into her rant to stop.

‘I may not be famous or noteworthy, but I
am
making a difference in my own small way. And that’s good enough.’ She took a deep, calming breath and splayed her hands on the table, leaning in towards them and looking directly from one set of shocked eyes to another. ‘It’s good
enough
.’

Sitting back, she smoothed her skirt over her knees again with shaky hands and looked over at her sister, who had seemingly missed the whole show by chatting to her neighbour at the table. Not that it mattered. This wasn’t about Maddie, it was between her and her parents.

‘Okay, Josie. Okay,’ her father said to the side of her head.

She turned to look at him and he gave her a conciliatory nod, putting a steadying warm hand on top of hers.

Luckily she was saved from bursting into tears by a loud announcement telling them that the show was about to start and asking everyone to find their tables.

Noise levels rose too much to make conversation after that as more people hurried in to take their seats.

Straightening her spine and pulling back her shoulders, Josie regained her poise and waited calmly for the show to begin, ignoring the whispered conversation going on between her parents next to her. It didn’t matter what they said now. All that mattered was that she’d said her piece and she was ready and willing to get on with her life.

But she couldn’t stop herself from wishing Connor was there with her. She would have loved him to see her giving her parents what-for, and this whole horrible debacle wouldn’t seem half as awful in his presence. He’d find a way to make it fun.

Her stomach plummeted to her toes and her throat contracted painfully as she imagined him there, squeezing her hand and giving her that wry grin of his.

Taking a deep breath, she forced herself to focus on the large spotlit stage until she was able to relax out of the ache of melancholy. She had to stop thinking like that; it was only going to make it harder to get over him. It was onwards and upwards from here. No looking back. No regrets.

The lights dimmed and the host of the ceremony, a rising star on the UK comedy scene, mounted the stage and greeted the audience. A hush fell over the crowd and they listened in rapt silence as he announced the first nominations.

Josie’s mind wandered as short clips of the nominated shows played on a large screen above them. She wondered what Connor was doing right at that moment. Probably something exciting and worthy that would put her dull existence to shame. Her humiliating attempt to get him to come here came back to haunt her and she flushed hot with shame. She’d been so angry with him for rejecting her that she’d lost her senses. What an idiot she was. She was almost glad she was never going to see him again; she was ashamed of how ridiculous she’d been.

Realising with a start that everyone was clapping the winner of the category, she joined in a beat too late, garnering herself a stern look from her mother. Smiling sheepishly, she resolved to pay more attention to her surroundings and eject all thoughts of Connor from her head.

After all, he wasn’t part of her life any more and he wasn’t likely to be any time soon.

* * *

Connor stood at the back of the room as the awards ceremony rolled out on the stage in front of him. Cameras were stationed at every available angle of the grand room and the place buzzed with excited chatter. The tables where the audience sat were dark compared to the dazzling light of the stage, so he had to work hard to locate where Josie was seated with her sister and parents. He finally spotted her.

She sat, spine straight, eyes trained on the stage, a forced smile plastered onto her face as her sister’s name was announced as the winner of Presenter of the Year.

Maddie gave the camera trained on her an almost comical fake surprise expression as the spotlight found her, and then she leant across to hug her mother and father before sweeping off towards the stage. Josie sat, ramrod-straight and ignored, at the other side of the table. She seemed smaller than she had in France, as if the weight of being here was pressing down on her, squashing her into a less than Josie-sized space.

A blast of possessive anger nearly knocked Connor off his feet. How could they blatantly snub her like that? His Josie. His sparky, smart, funny, fascinating Josie.

He itched to march over there and rescue her from this nauseating display of self-glorifying nonsense. She deserved better than being sidelined in the corner whilst this circus happened around her.

* * *

After her sister’s win, the host called for a break and there was a sudden ruckus of chairs being scraped back and loud conversation as people got up and headed over to the winners to bestow their congratulations.

This awards ceremony had been just as awful as she’d anticipated, but Josie was still glad she’d come. She knew the only way to overcome these feelings of inadequacy around her sister was to face them head-on and walk away with her head held high. There would be no more hiding from life and no more jealousy; it was a leech she was going to burn off, no matter what it took.

Knowing she could entertain and enthral someone as incredible as Connor—even temporarily—had gone a long way to persuading her there was more to her than she’d supposed. She would celebrate all her successes from now on, even the small ones, and never, ever compare them to someone else’s again. She would be the queen of her own universe.

She stood up and wandered off to the bar in the adjoining room as their table was swamped with well-wishers hoping to get a piece of her sister. Maddie already looked exhausted from all the fawning attention and having to be on her best behaviour. How could she have ever been jealous of that? It was the epitome of her worst nightmare. She needed to remember that the next time she experienced debilitating jealousy about her sister’s success. Everything came with its own problems, after all—even fame and adoration.

The bar was quiet compared to the shouty hubbub of the ballroom, and she let out a long breath of relief as the silence wrapped around her, soothing her ringing ears and throbbing head.

‘Hi, Josie.’

The bottom of her stomach hit the floor and all the air rushed out of her lungs at the sound of a deep, smooth voice she’d know anywhere.

Connor.

She spun round to find him standing behind her, glorious in a black shirt and dark blue jeans, his blond hair rumpled, his ice-blue eyes ringed with dark circles. If anything, he seemed larger and even more dominating than she remembered. All she could do was stand and stare at the vision in front of her, an irritating excitement building in her stomach.

‘How did you find me?’ she blurted. ‘I mean, what are you doing here?’ she corrected, trying to keep her tone neutral, but failing to keep the quaver of hopeful excitement out of her voice. He only had to look at her with those gorgeous cool blue eyes and she turned to mulch.

‘Abigail told me where you’d be.’

‘You’ve seen her?’

‘I called her.’

‘That’s great,’ she said, the pleasure and surprise at the fact she’d actually got through to him on some level momentarily overtaking the exhilaration of his appearance.

He looked at her levelly but didn’t say anything. His silence unnerved her.

‘Right. So, are you up for an award tonight or are you just here stalking me?’ She’d meant it as a joke—a throwaway comment to distract him from the total chaos of her response to his appearance—but of course it came out sounding more serious than she intended.

‘Hardly.’ Connor raised a derisive eyebrow but shifted on his feet, crossing his arms in front of him.

‘So what are you doing in London? Something I thought I’d never see.’ This was like pulling teeth. Her throat was tight with tension and she had to fight to keep tears from welling in her eyes. She would
not
go to pieces, though. No
way
.

Connor’s gaze flicked up to hers, his eyes hard behind his frown. ‘Look, I don’t want to leave things the way we did. I admit I was frustrated with you for leaving early and I reacted badly. I wanted to come and apologise face-to-face for the way I behaved.’

‘What? You mean you’re not planning on getting up on the stage to announce your apology to the whole room?’ she said.

The inability to keep stupid jokes from tumbling out of her mouth was embarrassing, but not surprising considering how tense she was.

The comment earned her a smile, but it didn’t quite penetrate the disquiet in his eyes.

What the hell did this mean? Was he only here to say sorry? Her heart thumped in her ribcage with alarming force.

‘Okay. Well, we both said some things we shouldn’t have. Let’s just forget about it,’ she said quickly. She needed air. Or maybe a double shot of vodka to calm her raging nerves.

A tense silence fell between them as they looked at each other and she became aware of her fingers tapping against her legs.

Why was he still here if all he’d wanted to do was apologise? He’d done that. He should be striding out of there by now, mission accomplished.

‘Why are you really here, Connor?’

He ran a hand over his eyes, his shoulders slumping a notch. ‘I’ve been thinking about what you said.’

‘About you needing to man up? I’m sorry about that.’

He put a hand up to stop her. ‘The thing is, Josie, I’ve been on my own for so long I don’t know how to care about someone else any more. I thought I wanted to be on the move because it’s what I’m used to. I’ve been doing it since I was eighteen and I believed it was what defined me. It’s not. Not really.’

‘What changed your mind?’ Her words came out as a whisper.

He moved towards her and touched her arm gently. ‘You did. I miss being around you. Frustrating though you are sometimes. We’re so different, but we totally work together.’

‘Immovable object meets irresistible force?’ She could barely get the words out.

He smiled. ‘That’s a good description of us.’