Hollow (Perfect Little Pieces) (13 page)

“Five years ago. Something triggered your depression, didn’t it?”

The little red flag of warning went off in my head. “Yes. Who’s Jess?” I nodded to his shoulder.

He pressed his lips together as some indefinable emotion crossed his features. “Someone I knew, once.” He hesitated, then added, “What triggered your depression?”

I blinked at him as tears stung my eyes. “I don’t want to play this anymore.” In fact, I didn’t want to talk to Jayden, either. All I wanted to do was to curl up in my bed, under the covers, and cry until I felt empty and hollow inside. I turned away and started back toward the stairs.

“Jessica.”

I paused in my steps. What the hell was he talking about? I steeled my emotions and turned to face him.

He held his hands out to the sides. “My sister. Jess was her nickname.” He rolled up his sleeve to show me the intricate Celtic tattoo around the name. “The doctors think that I always had the disposition to become bipolar, but the symptoms didn’t really start until I lost my sister.”

I stared at the name on his arm. “How did she die?” I whispered.

He lowered his shirt and began to close the distance between us. “You first.” He approached and ran his fingers over my arms. “When did your depression start? What triggered it?”

I looked up at him. I wanted to tell him, I did, but it was still too soon, the pain too fresh. “I-I can’t.”

“Okay.” He leaned forward and pressed his lips against my forehead. “Later, then.”

“How did she die?”

His expression fell and his eyes looked haunted. “My father.”

I placed a hand over my mouth, unable to speak.

“The doctors think that’s why I’m so protective of everyone in the Ward. First I couldn’t protect my mother from my alcoholic father. Then I couldn’t protect my sister. I compensate by trying to protect everyone else.” He twisted his lips into a wry smile.

“I’m so sorry.” I stumbled forward into his arms.

“He tried to beat me, too, but I fought back.” He touched the scar on his temple. “He gave me this with the end of his shotgun.”

“Oh my God. I’m so sorry.”

“At least he clubbed me with it and didn’t shoot me.” He pressed his lips together as pain spread out over his features. “My mother and sister weren’t so lucky.”

Tears flowed down my cheeks. I let them come. How horrible it must have been for him.

“If I had only known what was going on…the extent he was hurting everyone…” He let out a long breath and squeezed my shoulders.

Tears filled my eyes. I closed them and buried my head in Jayden’s chest. He wrapped his arms around my body, enveloping me in his warmth and safety.

“I should have stopped it,” he whispered. “But I wasn’t home. I was in school, both times. Both times I came home to…” He took in a shaky breath. “He tried to get me, too, but I shot him first.” He let out pathetic chuckle. “With the same shotgun he clubbed me with months before.”

So that was what Flynn talked about the other day. Jayden had killed his own father in self-defense. Holy hell. Talk about having demons.

I wiped my eyes and leaned back enough to meet his gaze. I saw all of his pain, his agony. He had held nothing back with me. I knew that I needed to say something. He had shown me so many of his inner demons. I could tell by the look on his face that he wanted a glimpse of mine. I wasn’t ready to tell him about it though, not yet.

I never told anyone what had really happened that night, not even Mia. If Jayden had any idea what I did, he’d leave me—I knew it. I wasn’t worthy of his affection and warmth. Everything about me was a dark, hollow mess. Knowing what happened would only tarnish his light.

So, instead of unloading my past, I did the next best thing I could think of. “It’s wasn’t your fault.” I framed his face with my palms and held his gaze. “You can’t be held responsible for someone else’s actions.”

He slid his fingers up over my wrists. His touch was feather-light, but his warmth seeped deep into my soul. “Ditto.”

Tears flowed. I couldn’t stop them. He leaned down and pressed his lips against mine.  I closed my eyes and drank in his light, his goodness. Jayden’s biggest problem wasn’t that he tried to protect the entire Ward—it was that he cared too much. There was nowhere for all of those emotions to go, nowhere he could find solace.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him close. As he tilted his head, I opened to him, eager to drink in his goodness.
Let me be your sanctuary.
I needed his emotions as much as he needed to give them to me.

When he broke away, I was breathless.

“Lucy, wait.”

“I don’t want to wait.” I tightened my arms around his neck. “I’m tired of waiting.” I leaned forward to kiss him, but he moved his head at the last minute.

“Lucy—I have to tell you something. It’s important.”

“You’ve said enough.” He told me about the demons from his past. No one had ever trusted me like that before, not even Kyle. It made me want to trust Jayden in return.

“Kiss me.” Before he could respond, I pressed my lips against his. I felt him hesitate, and then it was as if something gave way inside of him. Jayden tilted his head urged me to open to him. I did and he invaded my mouth, exploring, tasting…

I ran my hands over his shoulders and back, desperate to get closer. There were so many damn clothes. I wanted to run my fingers over his bare skin, feel his body pressed up against mine.

He slid his hands underneath my shirt, touching my body with his warm fingers. I slipped my tongue over his, letting his presence invade all of my senses. His scent and touch sent beams of light through my body, penetrating the darkness. I gasped against his mouth as he cupped my breast through my bra and ran his thumb over the smooth fabric. My nipple pebbled and dampness formed between my legs.

“Lucy.” He pulled away and knelt in front of me. Before I could process what he was doing, he lifted my clothes and kissed my stomach, burning my skin with his lips.

I slid my fingers through his hair and watched as he took his time, running his tongue over the smooth skin of my abdomen. His touch burned away the empty ache in my chest, filling it with desire. When he reached my ribcage, I grabbed the edges of my clothes and pulled them up and over my head.

Jayden took in a deep breath and sat back on his heels. “Are you sure?”

I wasn’t surer of anything in my life. “Yes Jayden, I’m sure.”

He slid his hands up my waist, carefully, almost reverently. He cupped my breasts, his awe evident in his features.

The type of bra I wore had the clasp in the front. I reached down and unsnapped it with a flick of my fingers. The fabric parted, and I let it slide off my shoulders.

Jayden blinked at my naked breasts then met my gaze. “I won’t break the trust you’ve given me, Lucy. I promise.”

I smiled and curled my fingers in his hair. “I know.”

He took my nipple into my mouth, and my world exploded. Every nerve ending felt like it was on fire.

I tugged at his shirt as he licked and laved my skin. After a long moment, he stood and kissed my lips. We tore at each other until our constricting clothing fell in a heap around us. Before long we were on top of the cotton garments, pressed skin-on-skin. It was so good to feel so connected with someone again.

“Are you sure?” he asked again as he kissed my cheek. “If you want to back out, now’s the time.”

“I don’t want to back out. Not now. Not ever.” I wrapped my legs around him and moaned as his erection settled in between my legs.

“God, Lucy.” He pressed his lips against mine. The kiss was harder, more passionate. I clung to him like a lifeline. Soon hands were everywhere, lips everywhere. Once again, I felt I was drowning in his presence. So much life and emotion. I didn’t ever want to come up for air. Then he entered me, and for the first time, I understood what it meant to let yourself go and live in the moment.  Jayden was perfect. The moment was perfect. I didn’t ever want it to end.

He moved inside of me, stroking my desire with every thrust.  I wrapped my arms around him, loving the way he created ribbons of friction along my inner walls. Pleasure wove up through my core and fanned out through my body. I spread my legs farther apart, desperate for him to go deeper, to push himself into the very center of my being.

We came together harder, faster. He whispered my name like a prayer as every muscle in my core stretched to the point of breaking. With each push he dispelled a little more of my darkness and filled it with his light. I was like a sponge, absorbing all of his goodness, his passion. I took all he had to give and wanted more, so much more.

Need surged through my veins. I moaned with each thrust, my voice mingling with his in a primal chorus. Pressure built, until I felt on the point of bursting. I ran my nails down his back, as I raced higher and higher…

Jayden shifted his body, and on the next thrust, he hit a particularly sensitive spot deep inside my core. My orgasm came hard and fast, blasting my entire body with emotion and light. The force of it took me by surprise and tears filled my eyes as pleasure seeped into every part of my body.

Jayden’s body stiffened and his movements became quicker. He whispered my name as he, too, tumbled over the edge into oblivion. I had never seen anything so beautiful, so perfect in my entire life.

When it was over, he collapsed and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me close.

“Amazing,” he whispered.

I agreed. As my sensed tumbled back down to earth, I realized that the sun had fully set. We had both missed dinner and a chill had settled in the air. I didn’t want to move, however. I felt too good to care if I froze to death on the rooftop. Jayden had filled me with too much warmth for me to feel cold, anyway.

“They’re releasing me next week.” His whisper was so low that I almost didn’t hear him.

I untangled my arms from his body and stared. “What?”

“That was what I wanted to tell you earlier.” He placed his arm under his head and stared up at the stars. “I had a meeting this morning. Dr. Polanski doesn’t think there’s much more they can do for me here. They’re sending me to a group home next week.” He let out a half laugh. “It’s time for me to re-assimilate into society.”

“What about your volunteer obligation?”

He turned his head and met my gaze. “I did such great work with Howlistic Healers that they’re willing to let me continue working with animals outside the hospital.” He turned his head and stared up at the stars. “I have to do it under supervision, of course, but I get to choose the charity and have some control over the schedule. There might even be a job in it for me when the requirement is done.” He turned back to face me. “Unbelievable, eh?”

And just like that, my light went out. I disentangled myself from his arms, stood and began to dress.

“Lucy.” He straightened and reached for me, but I stepped out of his grasp. I didn’t want him touching me ever again.

I ignored him as I shoved on my clothes. How dare he make me open up, make me care? He knew he was going to leave. Was I just one last hurrah before he sailed off into the sunset?

“Lucy.” He grabbed my elbow and swung me around to face him. I avoided his gaze.

He hooked his finger under my chin and tilted my gaze up to meet his.

“Just because I’m leaving doesn’t mean this has to end.”

“Fuck you, Jayden.” He was leaving, just like everyone important in my life had left me. Kyle, Bethany, my parents…even Mia had managed to move on with her life.

Nobody cared about me. I was such a God-damned fool for opening my heart.

“I never want to see you again.” I jerked my arm out of his and jogged back to my room.
Damn you for making me care, Jayden. Damn you.

When I got back, Iris was sitting on her bed, drawing a picture. I didn’t look at what was on her sketch pad. I didn’t care. I flung myself onto my bed and pulled the pillow over my head.

“Lucy?”

“Don’t ever give your heart away to anyone, Iris,” I mumbled from beneath my pillow. “They’ll only break it into a million little pieces.”

It was then that I let the tears flow.

Chapter Eleven

“How are you getting along with your new roommate?” Dr. Polanski asked the following morning as she sat down in the seat across from me and smiled.

I shrugged. “Okay, I guess.”

“You two hitting it off?”

“I suppose. We went to Tai Chi together, but she doesn’t talk much. She cries a lot, too.”

Dr. Polanski smiled. “You did too when you first came here, if you remember.”

I did remember. If it wasn’t for Jayden, I’d probably still be a sobbing mute. “Are you saying that I need to bring her out of her shell?”

“No, no, that’s not your responsibility. Iris needs to work through her own issues and come out of her shell on her own.” She tilted her head to the side and tapped her pencil against her lips. “You two have a lot in common, you know. That’s part of the reason why we placed her in your room.”

“Oh yeah? Like what?”

“Iris has been struggling with her past as well. She has problems with her over-controlling parents.”

I curled my feet underneath me in the large easy chair. “My parents aren’t controlling.”

Dr. Polanski raised her brows. “No?”

“No. They’re manipulative.”

Dr. Polanski chuckled. “So they try to run your life, do they?”

I thought back to my mother’s last visit. “Yes. It’s more my mother than my father.” I sighed. “I can’t help shaking the feeling that she’s disappointed in me.”

“Disappointed? How?”

I sighed and wrapped my arms around my middle. “My mother was the valedictorian of her class in law school. While studying, she met Ingrid and joined her organization.”

Dr. Polanski leaned forward. “Ingrid?”

“Yeah, Ingrid Newkirk.”

“The founder of PETA?”

Just my luck. Another animal-lover. “Yeah, one of them. My mother was fascinated with the Silver Springs case. They became great friends.” I waved my hand in the air between us. “My parents started helping Ingrid, but then moved on to their own pet projects.”