Home From Within (19 page)

Heritage was once again preparing for the spring musical. Marilee won the role of a supporting female actor in the play
Grease,
so Jessica got permission to sleep over at the Ripps’ to help Marilee practice her lines. When the girls were alone in bed with the lights turned out, Marilee asked how far she and Paul had gone.

Jessica was glad she was in the dark. “Well, we kiss and, you know, touch each other.”

“Have you gone all the way?”

“No,” Jessica said quietly.

“Do you love him?”

“Yes.”

“Does he love you?”

“I think. He’s never said,” Jessica admitted.

“Have you told him?”

“No, but I think he can tell.”

“You may wanna say it. This way it’ll be a for sure,” Marilee said.

Jessica thought hard over Marilee’s words that night. She had never said “I love you” to anyone but family, and truthfully could not remember the last time those words left either of her parents’ lips in her direction. Aunt Lodi was the only person that those words easily flowed toward and away from. It took Jessica a long time to fall asleep, but before dozing off, she decided to tell Paul her true feelings come Monday.

After school on Monday, Jessica and Paul made their way to his house. She took in deep breaths to let her spirit know that it need not be scared, that telling someone you love them was a normal part of life. They held hands, and Paul told her he had a surprise for her. A rainstorm had followed the morning mist and washed away all the dirt and grime that lingered on the sidewalk and streets. The sun pushed out of the clouds and was beaming soft rays, filling the air with liquid warmth.

As they entered, Paul told her to wait one second. Jessica sat on the front room couch that was now covered with a clean sheet and waited as Paul put a record on the player. Paul’s home was constantly flooded with music from different decades, and Jessica had become accustomed to it. She enjoyed the way certain music influenced her feelings and emotions and would study album covers, making a game of matching the face with the voice.

Paul walked into the kitchen as the music started playing. The instant Jessica heard the voice she knew it was Johnny Cash, one of Dee Dee’s favorites. She listened intently to the words, as Johnny sang deeply about his heart, and how because a girl loved him, he walked the line. For a minute, she felt very close to Johnny Cash, like he was speaking to her, but quickly shifted her emotions back to Paul, knowing this was his way of telling her he loved her. When the song ended and the needle on the turntable picked itself up and returned to its original position, Paul reentered the room with a bouquet of flowers. He gave her a bashful smile, which surprised Jessica, seeing how confident he usually was.

“I thought that since we got together around this time last spring we could make this our anniversary date.”

Jessica was speechless. Besides Aunt Lodi, no one had ever made her feel as special as Paul was right now. Jessica’s eyes welled up with tears.

“Oh man, I didn’t do this so you’d cry,” Paul said as he sat down next to her, putting his arm around her waist.

Jessica wiped away the tears she couldn’t control while she covered her face.

“I . . . I . . . this is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.” Jessica paused, seeing Paul fill with pride.

“You should see what I cooked for you in the kitchen.”

While she hadn’t envisioned telling him she loved him in this way, the moment felt too right.

“Paul . . . I . . . I . . . I love you.”

Paul leaned forward and looked at her deeply then reached his hands up to cup her face. “I love you back.”

Beams of light aimed themselves through the windows with no awnings and onto the couch Jessica and Paul were sitting on, offering instant brightness.

Paul leaned in and kissed her so intensely that it made Jessica feel as if he was peering into her soul.

His thumbs caressed her cupped face as she lifted her arms and wrapped them around his upper back. He tore his mouth from hers and started kissing her neck, breathing heavy he pressed his lips against her ear.

“I want you so bad.”

He didn’t need to say it; Jessica felt it loud and clear. But she was scared that her inexperience with sex could make Paul not love her anymore. She was afraid she wouldn’t measure up to Paul’s standard. As quickly as her passion for him overflowed, fear now overpowered.

“Paul . . . Paul . . .” she said, pushing him away.

“Jessica, please,” he said, his face hot.

“What do you want from me?” she hissed.

“What do you expect from me?” he hissed back. “You take me from zero to ten and leave me there. I’m not made of stone. My body, my heart, it doesn’t work that way. No man does.”

In that instant, Jessica realized how much she had led him on when she touched him that day and that there was no going back, not if she wanted his love.

“I’m sorry. I thought I was doing the right thing when I, well, you know, touched you. But I can see all it did was make you want me more.”

“And that’s a good thing,” he retorted. “Don’t you want your boyfriend to want you?”

“Paul, this is all so new. You know I never had a boyfriend before you. I thought I was doing the right thing before, but now I feel like I teased you and you won’t forgive me.”

Paul smirked. “Jess, you haven’t done anything that I need to forgive. If anything I’m thankful, I mean come on, you made me feel awesome!” He scooted closer, smoothing his arms around her waist. “And it’s because I love you that I want to be with you, all the way.”

Jessica stared at his beautiful pleading face while anxious thoughts spread through her mind. Now that she’d told Paul she loved him, she felt a huge relief. But she had to know everything before saying yes to what he was asking.

“Have you ever loved another girl?”

“No,” he said in an instant. “Not even close.”

“Why me?” Jessica felt as brave as Marilee and, in fact, was channeling her to get through these questions that needed to be answered.

Paul leaned back so he could look at her from a distance. “Well, you’re gorgeous. I love the way your hair looks, so long”—he reached out and wrapped a piece around his finger that lay on her chest—“and wavy. I love the fact that you didn’t let any of those bozos in homeroom push you off your square, you know, you never let them compromise your job. And you didn’t give Gina the answers in Biology. You’re shy— I like that. But you’re smart. I like smart. And you’re loyal. You proved that when I asked you not to tell people certain things and you never did. I trust you . . . more than I trust a lot of people in my life.”

Jessica quickly realized that Paul really did love her.

“Why do you love me?” he asked in a low tone.

Jessica grinned and her cheeks heated up; even with the honesty and openness, she still felt uncomfortable with it all. “Well, I also think you’re gorgeous. Your eyes grab me.” Paul sat back and put his hands behind his head and his feet up on the crate, which served as a table, looking smug.

“Ohmigod,” Jessica said nervously.

“Please go on,” Paul said, grinning.

“Well, I know you’re also smart, which I also like. You’re loyal, like over the summer when you had a chance to be with Alicia and didn’t.” Jessica waited a few seconds, formulating her words so they came out the way she meant. “And you make me feel loved, like I’m the only one for you. You give me more love than anyone else in my life.”

Paul sat up slowly, bringing back the intense look he left earlier. Jessica felt like crying again but did not want to look weak. Her tears were more of joy and relief that she really could be open and honest about her feelings, but acknowledging that Paul gave her more love than anyone else, besides Aunt Lodi, made Jessica feel lonely.

“Why do you look so sad?”

Jessica smiled to cover the pain. “I’m not. In fact, I’m the happiest I’ve been in a long time.”

Paul grabbed her hand and held it tight. “Jessica Turner, know this; I will never do anything to hurt you, ever. When you’re ready to be with me all the way, I will be
very
ready to oblige.”

Jessica smiled weakly at his statement. It reminded her of freshman year when he told her that when she was ready to sneak, he would be ready too. And she was reminded of the fact that she
did
go to him. But she needed to know one more thing before going home and ending the conversation that made her feel excited and worn out at the same time.

“One more question.”

“Yep.”

“Have you ever, you know, gone all the way with anyone?”

Paul shifted on the couch but kept holding her hand and didn’t break eye contact. “Yes.”

“But you said you never loved anyone else.”

“Jessica, I’m a guy.”

Jessica yanked her hand from his grip. Paul looked at her like she just didn’t get it.

“Are you serious? You’re pissed because I’ve had sex before?”

“No, I’m mad because you don’t have to love someone to take their hormones on a ride.”

“What? What does that mean?”

“So you love me,
great,
but you still would’ve had sex with me anyway. You would’ve gone all the way with me without even loving me.”

“Jessica, you’re talking crazy. Yeah, I had sex with girls I didn’t love. But know this. You are the
only
girl I have ever loved, the
only
girl I want to be with completely.”

It was hard for Jessica to have a comeback to that because it sounded very real.

“Go ask my friends, or Danny. They’ll tell you the same thing. In fact, they say shit to me about it all the time.”

“Like what?” Jessica felt intrigued.

“Excuse my French, but they call me pussy whipped.”

“Disgusting,” Jessica said.

“They’ve never seen me this hung up on someone, to the point I don’t party like I used to.”

Jessica liked what she was hearing. “Did you stop all the partying because of me?”

Paul smirked. “Did you listen to the song I played for you?”

Jessica met his eyes with love again. “Yes, I heard what you were telling me.”

“I’m not perfect . . . I still party, but not like before. Smoking weed makes me laugh and gives me the munchies, but it doesn’t fill me up the way your smile does when you’re looking at me. Or when you hold my hand when we walk to my house. Or when you get on top of me and kiss me so hard that you make me think you’re gonna rip off my clothes . . . and then don’t . . . but even then, I’m so glad you’re mine.”

Jessica reached over and touched the hand she brashly pushed away earlier. “I think I understand. And when I’m ready to be with you, all the way, I will let you know.”

Jessica had ten minutes before she had to leave the confines of love to return to her loveless home life. Paul invited her to indulge in the meal he prepared for her last night and was heating in the microwave: scrambled eggs with cheese and sausage. He put the bouquet of flowers in a vase, knowing she could not bring it home, but told her she could look at it and remember this moment every time she came here.

“I wish I could do something for you,” she said, diving into the eggs with her fork. “I feel like you’re always doing things for me.”

“Well, I wouldn’t say that,” Paul said with a look of pleasure.

Jessica caught wind of his thoughts and rolled her eyes while she blushed. “I mean something else. You put a lot of time and thought to this, and other things, like the necklace. I want to give you something too.”

“Surprise me,” Paul said.

Jessica looked up at him from her almost empty plate. “Okay,” she said, thinking hard about the only thing she really thought he would want: her.

C
hapter
16

“Jim, I think we may need to turn on the air conditioning. You know how Lodi can sweat.”

Jessica watched her father ignore her mother’s request and continue to clean his guns. Jessica and Jason were in the office with their father spending “quality time” together. He had returned from a business trip and was more animated than usual.

“Look at this.” He held up a Mini UZI submachine gun. “This is a magnificent piece of machinery.” Jessica and Jason gave the mechanical answer their father wanted to hear, “awesome.”

The rumble of Aunt Lodi’s car could be heard as she pulled into the driveway.

“She’s here,” Jessica said as she and Jason jumped up to run outside.

“Hey, my lovelies, I have presents,” Aunt Lodi sang as she was closing her driver’s side door. Jessica ran up beside her and was pulled into a big hug. Aunt Lodi put Jessica at arm’s length and took a good long look at her. “Jessica, you look stunning. Like a young woman.”

Jessica flushed, not used to hearing compliments about herself, especially in front of her father, who did not appear fazed by the comment.