Home to You (36 page)

I gripped my swollen hands to my chest as tears began to fall. I’d thought I’d reached rock bottom after Kevin, yet the way I felt now was incomparable. If I let myself experience the depth of my hurt, I would explode from the amount of pain that would erupt out of me.
 

Eventually the sun began to set, and I knew Jake would be expecting me. But how could I go back and stand under the roof of lies? Listen to excuses from the only person I thought I could trust? I looked to my phone in the center console, sure there would be messages, but grateful for its lack of charge so I didn’t have to see them.
 

With bruised hands I gripped the steering wheel, eyes straight ahead—almost unseeing—and put the car in drive. I didn’t know where I was going, only that I had to move. I drove in aimless circles until my car was on empty, and all the people on the road disappeared.
 

When I finally stopped, I looked up at Em’s apartment building. I wasn’t sure what brought me there. Maybe because she knew the heartache of infidelity? Or maybe because I had nowhere else to go and was afraid to be alone.

It was just past eleven when I found the front gate open and let myself inside. With my camera bag slung across my body, I climbed the rickety stairs to the second floor. All her lights were on, and my head fell to rest on the closed door. I was ashamed. The girl that men fucked but didn’t want to create a life with. What would Em say? What would I tell her? How could I bear to relive the memory and give her an explanation? I took a calming breath and knocked.
 

Only a second passed before the door flung open, and she threw her arms around me. “Oh thank God!” She pulled me into the apartment and looked me over. “Where have you been? Are you okay? Are you hurt?”
 

She sat me on her bright blue couch, and I began to tremble. I was lost, a shell of the person I’d been only hours ago, and I didn’t know what to say. I just shook my head and averted my eyes from her worried face.
 

“I’m calling Jake, he’s been out looking for you. Did something happen at the wedding?”
 

I stood up and frantically shook my head. I couldn’t see him. Not now. Not tonight when I was broken and weak. “Please don’t call him. Please don’t.” My voice was hoarse, and it hurt when I spoke.
 

She put down the phone, her brows knit with confusion, and took my shaking hands in hers. “What happened, Katie?” Her voice was only a whisper, laced with fear and concern.
 

“I can’t talk to him now. He can’t see me like this. Please.”
 

She pulled me against her chest and gripped my trembling body. I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. The dam of my sorrows opened up and poured onto her willing shoulders. Tears that came from the deepest part of me. Tears of heartbreak, the loss of my best friend, and the dream of a future I’d started to believe in.
 

I wasn’t sure how long she held me, but eventually the tears ran dry, and I wiped my swollen eyes. Em didn’t ask any more questions, and I was grateful for that. But I got the feeling she was afraid that if she did, I would snap. She pulled a pair of boxers and an oversized shirt out of her drawer and set me up in the bathroom with a fresh towel.
 

“Why don’t you go take a shower? You’ll feel better.”
 

I nodded, and she closed the door behind me. With hands splayed on either side of the vanity, I looked at the reflection of a woman I didn’t recognize. One with swollen, lifeless eyes. Eyes that had seen too much, experienced too many heartaches, and had finally given up.
 

The shower was quick and to the point. One I took to appease Em and offer her some kind of reassurance. I combed out my hair, got dressed, then opened the door just as Em entered the bedroom.
 

She closed the living room door behind her and approached me like I was a frightened animal she didn’t want to scare off. “I called Jake.” Her voice was soothing, but I couldn’t help the sense of betrayal that flooded my insides. I didn’t blame her. She was his friend first. But it was an aching reminder that I had no one to call my own. No one who was there for
me
above anyone else.
 

I turned around and squeezed my eyes shut to keep the tears at bay. “Why?”
 

“Katie, he was out of his mind looking for you. I couldn’t—”

The bedroom door flew open, and I turned around to see Jake. He looked panicked and wild as he raked his hand through his hair. He rushed toward me, eyes searching mine, and pulled me into his arms. “Are you okay?” His voice was shredded and scared, and I fought back the tears that threatened anew.
 

I pushed out of his embrace, and my throat thickened with unbearable hurt. I wanted to tell him to leave, to never speak to me again, but I couldn’t. If I spoke, I wouldn’t be able to hide my pain, and I didn’t want to give him that. He owned my heart, but this pain was mine.
 

He backed up a step, obviously thrown by my reaction. The blue depths of his eyes showed his anguish as he searched my face.
Damn him!
I won’t feel bad about this!

Disgust bubbled inside me, and I pushed past him, the whole room spinning as I stumbled to the bathroom and fell to my knees by the toilet. My body heaved uncontrollably as I gripped my concave stomach that had nothing left to give.
 

“Shit, Katie.” I heard Jake’s distressed voice from behind me, then his hands were in my hair, holding it secure.
 

“What the fuck happened to her?” he shouted to Em, but she said nothing. She didn’t know. Only I held this secret.
 

He stroked my hair, my face, my back. “It’s okay, baby, it’s okay.”
 

My heart squeezed. How could he be so caring one minute and in bed with another woman the next?
 

I tore away and sat on the cool tile. Unable to meet his eyes, I rested my elbows on my knees and gripped my skull. “What are you doing here?”
 

“What happened? Did Rick hurt you? Did someone hurt you?” He crouched beside me.
 

“Rick didn’t do anything to me.” I looked up to his tortured face.

“What happened?” His voice was soft, ragged, and filled with a pain that stabbed me in the heart. He reached out to caress the side of my cheek, and I backed away from his touch.
 

“I don’t want you here, Jake.” My voice cracked with emotion, and my lips began to quiver. Using the wall behind me, I pushed myself to stand and he followed.
 

His eyes were pleading for answers, but how could he not know? How could he be so confused when the only person in the world who could affect me like this was him?
 

“I saw her in your bed.” My voice was cold, unfeeling, in total control—empty. “I came home early, and Grace was naked in your bed.”
 

His hands raked through his hair and he stared at me. A host of emotions transformed his features. Shock, regret, relief, fear.
 

“When I got out of the shower she was there. I threw her out—”

I snapped. “I don’t want your lies!”

He rushed toward me and gripped my face. “I threw her out, Katie. Nothing happened.”
 

He looked so honest. His eyes boring into mine as he moved even closer. “I would never do that to you.” His voice was only a whisper, and I took a ragged breath.
 

A part of me began to waver. I wanted to believe him, to believe he wouldn’t do that to me. I wanted him to pull me into his arms and squeeze me so tight all my broken pieces squished back together. But I’d been here before. I’d been the fool. The trusting one. The girl who was blind to the lies and so naive that everyone around her laughed like an inside joke.
 

“Katie, look at me.” His eyes were red rimmed and reflected my own pain. “Nothing happened.”

I closed my eyes tight, my nails cutting into my palms at my sides. “I want you to leave,” I whispered.

Moments passed as we stood there. Frozen together, but the bond between us ripping apart.

Eventually he let go and backed away. His jaw was tight, like he was using every drop of control not to touch me.
 

Em stood back in the doorway and slowly approached him from behind. She reached up and put one hand on his shoulder. “I think you should go.”
 

His hand wiped over his face, and his eyes met mine one last time. He looked angry, hurt, confused—then he turned around and walked out of the room.
 

I heard Em trying to comfort him. “She’s been through a lot… give her time… She’ll feel better in the morning… I’ll call you tomorrow.”
 

And then the apartment door slammed, and he was gone.

I BLINKED INTO THE CENTER of the room. My body stiff and still as I lay on the edge of the king-sized mattress. Last night Em had insisted her bed was large enough for the both of us, and I was too broken to argue about such a trivial thing as where I slept. Now in the light of morning, Jake’s pleading eyes burned through my memory. His gruff voice played over and over in a continuous loop.
“Nothing happened.”

I wanted to so desperately to believe him, but I couldn’t let myself be a fool again. Grace had been naked in his bed. The image would be imprinted in my memory for eternity. Not just a photograph like it had been with Kevin, but a living, breathing woman. How could I deny what I saw? I squeezed my forehead and sat up on the side of the bed. Every muscle was sore. Not from overuse, but from an exhaustive inability to relax. My throat was raw and hoarse, eyes swollen, and head pounding. But none of those hurts compared to the empty hole in my chest where a crushing ache now lived.
 

Not wanting to intrude on Em any further, I dressed in the clothes I’d worn the day before and walked into the living room to find my bag. My life was in shambles, and I needed to decide on a plan.
Charge phone, call Rick, find a place to live.

Em sat in her tiny kitchen tapping away at her laptop, one foot curled under her bottom. When she noticed me, she jumped out of her chair and stood. “You’re up.” She tore her earbuds from her ears and placed them on the table. “I was trying not to wake you.”
 

“You didn’t.” I tried to force a smile but couldn’t quite manage one. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever truly smile again. I pulled my phone from my bag and looked around the room. “Do you happen to have a charger?”
 

“Sure.” She took the phone from my hands and plugged it into the charger on the kitchen counter. “Are you hungry? I have some orange juice and bagels.
Or
...” She pulled a box out of the cupboard and shook it at me. “Lucky Charms. My guilty pleasure.”
 

I shook my head and let out a breathy laugh. “I’m okay. Still not feeling well.” It hadn’t been my intention, but as I watched her, I realized I’d stuck her in the middle of all this mess. Jake was one of her best friends, and now I was staying in her house. What kind of damage would that do to their relationship?
 

“I just need to make a few phone calls, then I can get out of your way.”

“You’re welcome to stay.” Her words came out a bit too eager. She walked toward me, examined my red knuckles, then looked into my eyes. “You can stay here as long as you need.”
 

My eyes brimmed with tears, but nothing fell. Not because I didn’t want to cry, because there was nothing I wanted more. I wanted to crawl up in a tiny ball and cry so hard it would drown out the conflict going on inside me. I didn’t want to trust anyone, not even Em. But I couldn’t bear the thought of being alone. It had only been a few weeks since we’d met, but in that moment she was the closest person in the world to me, and I was grateful for her invitation.
 

“Okay,” I said, swallowing the hard ache that balled in the back of my throat.
 

She opened a cupboard and pulled out a mug. “Coffee?”
 

I nodded, and she poured me a cup before we both sat at her tiny table.
 

“I can get you some fresh clothes.”
 

I shook my head, suddenly feeling homeless, needy, and misplaced. “I’ll be okay.”
 

She raised her brows, and I looked down at my wrinkled blouse and black slacks.
 

I gripped my forehead and let out a small laugh. “Okay, but only for today.”
 

She didn’t say anything else, and I took that moment to calm myself before speaking again. ”I need to go to the house to get my laptop. I’ll get some clothes while I’m there.” Jake would be at work until evening, and even though it now felt wrong entering without being invited, I couldn’t deal with seeing him again so soon.
 

She nodded, but her eyes were sad. “I think he was telling the truth, Katie. I’ve known Grace longer than you and—”