Authors: Ana Layne
3 Months Later
That night changed my life. I know it did. While Mom was sitting at home, slowly dying, I was out and trying to mask the pain. I’ve been more fucked up than usual since Hilary walked back into my life. For once in my life, I actually want a girl and not just to screw her. But I can’t have her. She’ll never forgive me for that night.
I should have seen the signs going off all around me. She seemed hesitant as I led her to the closet. She followed me, though. She trusted me. Damn, could she kiss. Her shirt came off with no problems, but the real warning signs came as I fumbled with the button of her jeans, dying to feel her wet and ready for me. I couldn’t believe she said she was a virgin. I fucking freaked.
I couldn’t do that to this poor girl, knowing she deserved so much better than some fuck up like me looking for a cheap lay. She deserves the best, and I wish to God I could give it to her, but I can’t. She was mortified. I could tell by the look in her eyes. Part of me wanted to console her, but instead I walked out, leaving her all alone. The guilt is heavy, weighing me down. I shouldn’t have left her like that. The realization of who she really was, the girl who took the brunt of everyone’s jokes in high school, really woke me up. I doubt she even remembers me. Back then, I knew she often regressed into her mind to escape the humiliation she was experiencing at school. She could have blocked everything out—including memories of me. I wonder how she’s doing. Where her life headed after we graduated.
I’ve been back at the bar almost every day, hoping to run into her. No luck. I tried to forget her, but she’s all I can think about.
God, I’m so screwed up.
“Earth to Lance, come in, Lance.” I look up to see Garrett waving his hand in front of me. The anxious look on his face shows he’s been trying to get my attention.
“Yeah, I’m ready.”
“You’re up, are you sure? If your head’s not in it, just forfeit. It’ll be okay.”
“I can’t do that shit, and you know it. The mortgage is due, and I told my dad I’d help him.” Dad’s new job is doing well, but I am so used to helping that I don’t mind. Anything to help take the load off him while he has to sit back and watch the love of his life wither away to nothing.
“I know, man. I’m just worried about you.”
I gather the courage to walk out this room, and get into that ring. Somehow, I get my head in the game. I never paid attention to who I was against, I just went in and did my job. I was so pissed about not having the one thing I wanted most that I completely annihilated the poor guy. He only got one hit in, and after that, he didn’t stand a chance. I exited the ring, no less frustrated than I’d been when I first walked into it.
“Lance, you okay, son?” Howard asks.
“I’m fine, Howard, just have a lot on my mind.”
“Your parents okay? You need to take some time for you. I admire you for what you’re doing for them, and I know they sure as hell appreciate it. We just worry about you,” he said, echoing Garrett’s words.
“I know, man, I’m good. I promise.” All I want to do is get out of here. I know everyone cares, and I love that, but I don’t want to hear it.
Once I’m in my truck, I’m able to breathe easier. I don’t even want to go out anymore. The bar can’t fix me tonight, not unless Hilary is there and ready to talk to me. I want to apologize so badly. I want to get on my hands and knees and tell her how sorry I am, and that if she will let me, I’d love a chance to be with her. I don’t think the chance will never come.
I continue to sit there, wondering if I’ll ever see her again. There’s no light in my truck except the light from the moon. I like it this way. No one can see the anguish and the heartache I’m feeling. No one can judge me. Raegan is the only one who knows why Hilary and I weren’t talking anymore. I gave her the whole background story, hoping she’d have some solution that could work to my benefit. She offered to talk to her for me, but I didn’t want her doing my work for me. I already feel pathetic enough. Although I said I wouldn’t, I find myself driving toward Joe’s.
I walk inside, grabbing the usual beer. The bartenders all know me, so the minute I step up, a beer is immediately in front of me. Before I can press the bottle to my lips, I see her. Hilary is here. I’m not sure who she’s here with, but I want to talk to her. This is my chance. Her brown hair is glowing from the neon light she’s standing under, and she throws her head back laughing at something someone is telling her as she takes a sip of the beer she’s holding. It’s now or never. I make my way up to her. She never sees me coming.
“Hilary, can we talk?” I lean into her, seeing her freeze like she did that first time. She turns around slowly, her eyes no longer shining.
“No.”
“Please, you have to let me explain. You know me—”
“No, Lance, I don’t,” she snaps, interrupting me.
I open my mouth ready to retaliate, to convince her she needs to hear me out, when my phone rings. Dad’s number pops up. He’s probably wondering where I am, and I need to let him know I have the money for my part of the mortgage.
“I have to get this. I’ll be right back.”
“What is that, a booty call?” Her words are laced with venom. “Maybe it’s someone who can give you what you want, how you want it.”
I force away the pain her words cause, and glare at her before turning away to answer my phone in the noisy bar.
“Hello?” I almost yell, trying to get outside so I can hear.
“Son.” There is silence, then a muffled cry.
I finally make it outside where I can hear. Raegan and Garrett are walking up, and the look on my face causes them stop and watch me, as if wondering what’s going on.
“Dad, is everything okay?”
I’m about ready to run and jump into my truck when Dad’s voice comes through the speaker, broken and full of tears. “Your mom just passed, son. I’m so sorry to have to tell you this over the phone. She went peacefully.”
I’m not sure if he’s still talking, because I don’t hear anything. The phone slips from my hands, crashing against the concrete. “Motherfucker!” I yell, bringing myself to the ground.
Garrett immediately rushes to my side pulling me close. He knows what happened. I don’t need to tell him. I did the same thing for him when both his parents were killed. My whole world seems to vanish. We all knew this day was coming, but I was never ready for it. Nothing could prepare me for it. My mom isn’t here anymore. She’ll never be there to see me find the perfect girl, or have her grandchildren running around the front yard. I need to get home to Dad. I’m suddenly frantic with worry. They’ve been married twenty-five years, and now he’s all alone.
Raegan meets me on the other side, wrapping her arm around my waist. “I’m so sorry, Lance.” She has no idea what those words mean to me.
I want to thank her, but the tears continue cascading down my cheeks. Mom put up a damn good fight. I was so proud of her for never giving up.
“Let us drive you home, man. Raegan and I can get your truck to you later. You don’t need to be driving like this.” He is right. I am in no shape to get behind the wheel of a vehicle.
I say nothing, because words don’t seem like enough right now. Numbly, I let them lead me to Garrett’s truck. He turns the volume on the stereo down as I climb in. Raegan sits in the back beside me, and I rest my head on her shoulder. The tears have yet to cease, and she just cradles me like a baby. My heart is broken, shattered into a million pieces. Loneliness is invading me and if it weren’t for my friends, there’s no way I could shake it.
Garrett pulls into the driveway and panic hits me. Reality sets in. I’m terrified. “I can’t go in there.”
My tear-stained eyes meet Raegan’s, and she lets a sob escape. She’s been so strong for me and I love her for it. “Lance, you have us. Everything is going to be okay. Your dad needs you right now.”
“We’re here for you, brother,” Garrett says. “I love you.”
“I love you too, Garrett. I can’t breathe, though. Everything is caving in.”
“Let’s get you inside, Lance,” Raegan says softly, opening the door.
The warm air hits me, almost knocking the rest of my breath away. Garrett wraps his arm around my shoulder and leads me to the front door of my house. Sobs wrack my body as Raegan opens the door. Dad’s there. Our eyes lock.
This is not how I pictured my night to go. I was supposed to talk to Hilary, and fix things with her. Instead, my mom died.
My dad is sitting in his chair in the living room with his head in his hands. He looks up for a moment and sees me. His eyes are as bloodshot as mine and my fucking heart is breaking. He stands and walks briskly to me, pulling me into him. His strong arms hold me tight and I allow myself to fall apart again.
“She’s better now, son. She’s in a better place,” he whispers.
“I know, but it fucking hurts. It hurts right here.” I clench my fist against my heart. “It wasn’t supposed to be this way.”
He holds me for what feels like an eternity. I can’t look around too much without the sorrow hitting me again. It’s like a ton of bricks every damn time.
“She was so proud of you for everything you’ve done, Lance. I hope you know that,” Dad tells me.
“I hope you’re right, Dad. I just, I can’t believe this is really happening.”
When he breaks the hug, I have to remind myself to remain standing. My strength is slowly fading but I know I have to continue to be strong for Dad. Raegan steps forward and offers help for anything we may need. Dad tells her how much we appreciate it. And we do, more than she will ever know.
This was the last place I wanted to be when I heard the news, but now I know this is the only place I want to be. I’m surrounded by my dad and my best friends. With them, I have all I need to survive this fucked up shit I’ve been dealt.
***
The next few days pass in an agonizing manner. There’s so much crap to take care of between planning the funeral services and just trying to remember to breathe. Besides what is left of my immediate family here with me, my gym family never leaves my side and they will never fully know just how thankful I am. My palms are sweaty along with the rest of my body. This dress shirt is suffocating me, but I leave it alone. I want to unbutton every button and let it hang open, but I can’t.
I glance over toward the casket where my sweet mom lies. I haven’t gotten the courage to approach it yet. Last night at the visitation, I stayed as far away as I could. I know I need to make my peace but it’s harder than I thought.
“You have to go up there eventually, Lance.” Raegan’s soft voice breaks through my thoughts.
I turn to face her and stick my hands in my pockets. My face is firm and I refuse to break. She reaches over to pat my shoulder. Her hand lingers for a moment and she offers me a sympathetic smile. “I know it’s hard. I’ll walk up there with you, if you’d like.”
Taking a deep breath, I slowly remove my hands from my pockets. Raegan reaches out, and I let her pull my hand into hers. She gives my hand a small squeeze, and my confidence begins to build up.
For the first time in a long time, my Mom looks in complete peace. She’s not hurting. An ugly sob escapes my throat and my knees buckle beneath me. Garrett appears from nowhere, helping Raegan hold me up. My heart is pounding so hard, I almost can’t take it. The air is removed from my lungs and breathing becomes so much more difficult than it already is. My mom is lying there, yet she’s no longer here.
“Mom, I’m so sorry. I hope you were proud of me. I-I love you so damn much.” I sob toward the casket.
Raegan squeezes my hand and Garrett continues to be my strength. After a few moments, I am able to compose myself. I reach down into the casket and touch her cold, lifeless hands. I pull my hand away and turn to find a seat.
Dad comes to sit beside me and pulls me in for a hug. “I love you, son.”
“I love you too, Dad.”
The rest of the service goes by in a blur. My eyes burn from crying nonstop. It’s a complete honor, and I’m damn proud to be able to be a pallbearer for my mom. All my life, she carried me through the tough times, and now it’s my turn to carry her. The sun is shining brightly in the sky, and with all my heart I believe Mom is smiling down on us.
Two weeks ago, my Mom was laid to rest. It’s taken us a little time to
almost
get things back to normal at home. It’s odd to walk in and not see her there. It’s a waking nightmare. Dad has immersed himself in work and both of us are glad he’s been able to hold down a job that he somewhat likes. The job pays the bills and that’s all that matters right now.
I haven’t fought since right before Mom died, and I’m itching to get back into the ring. Howard insisted that I take a little time off after everything that happened. I think he was more worried that I wouldn’t have my head on straight. I know my head isn’t quite where it should be, but I know what I’m doing.
As if things weren’t crazy with Mom being gone, I still can’t fucking get Hilary out of my head. I can’t help but shake the insane feeling I have about her. She did make herself quite clear though as to her true feelings for me that night. I can change her mind though, and I damn well plan on it. I just need her to remember me, to remember the good things. I don’t want to lose my chance with her. Why do I feel this way about someone I hardly know?
Lou’s, home sweet home. I love this damn place. Walking in, I can’t help but grin. Raegan is standing off to the side talking to Whitney. Raegan doesn’t fight anymore. She chose to give it all up for Garrett. She misses it some kind of fierce though, I can see it in her eyes. Whitney is holding Randi Lynn. Damn, that little girl gets cuter every time I see her.
Raegan waves me over.
“Hey Raegan, Whitney.” I turn to Randi Lynn. “Hey cutie, how’s my favorite little girl today? Need Uncle Lance to kick some little boy’s ass?”
“Lance, watch your mouth around my child!” Whitney scolds.
“My bad. I meant
butt
.” I grin at Randi Lynn as she begins to coo.
Whitney covers Randi’s ears. “If my daughter’s first word is
ass
, I’m going to kick yours. Between you and Howard, I don’t know who is worse!”
“You’re lucky you scare the shit out of me, Whitney.” I laugh. “Now that you aren’t pregnant anymore, I better behave. Unless you’re already pregnant again.”
“Take Randi, Raegan,” Whitney says, handing the child over. All of a sudden she looks ready to throw me down and pummel me.
“I’m totally kidding.” I hold my hands up in resignation. “I love you too, Whitney.”
The door opens and Howard walks in holding a pink diaper bag. I immediately break into a fit of laughter. “Oh man, this day just gets better and better. Hey, Howard, can I get a picture of that? This is cracking me up.”
Howard cuts me a warning look that tells me he will drop that bag in about two seconds, and slam me to the ground. But I can’t quit laughing. I’m a joker, it’s what I do, and it’s who I am. It’s how I cope with everything. Thank God they all know this and love me for it.
“Go find Garrett before I kick your ass.”
“Howard, language! I just fussed at Lance for the same damn thing.” Whitney gawks. Her face is a brutal shade of red now, and I take that as my cue to skip off toward Garrett.
He’s hitting the punching bag and turns to face me as I walk up. “Hey, man, Whitney looked like she was ready to kick your ass.”
“Watch that word. Your sister is in
ass
mode,” I warn him. “She’s out to kill anyone who says it.”
Garrett chuckles as he turns to look at her. Raegan is now holding Randi Lynn in her arms, and I see the glimmer of hope in Garrett’s eyes as he watches. Raegan and Garrett are the kind of couple who make me want to puke sometimes. It took them damn near forever to finally get together but even I have to admit they are pretty damn perfect together. Raegan had a rough time with her Dad for a while, and when shit finally hit the fan, she got out. Garrett was there to help her, and they’ve been together ever since.
“What’s on your mind, man?” I ask him.
“Huh?” he says, trying to play it off by crossing his arms over his chest.
“I see that look on your face. Raegan is holding Randi Lynn and you’re gazing at her like a damn girl swooning.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about Lance.”
“Yeah, okay. Tell yourself that.”
Garrett actually blushes. Holy fuck, he’s worse off than I thought he was. “Look, I’m not saying anything. You’re going to laugh at me.”
“Oh boy, I can see I’m going to enjoy the fuck out of this. Tell me. We’re best friends, dude.”
He rolls his eyes and makes eye contact with me. “I love her so damn much, Lance. Seeing her holding Randi Lynn, it does something to me. It makes me feel like a damn pussy, but I can’t help thinking about what it would be like to see her maybe holding our child.”
My eyes widen. Hearing Garrett talk like this makes Hilary pop into my mind for some reason.
Dammit
. “Shit man, that’s deep. I get to be the godfather, right?”
“She’s not pregnant, Lance.” He glares at me.
“I know that. I was just securing my place.”
“Do you really think it would be anyone else?”
“No.”
Howard clears his throat from across the room and Garrett steps up to clench the punching bag while I begin to wail away on it. Punching the hell out of this bag is therapeutic for me. Each time my fist connects with the bag, a thousand pounds of pressure discharges from me.
Sweat begins to bead along my hairline and I finally quit long enough to be able to catch my breath. Garrett removes the gloves from his hands and walks over to Raegan who is still holding his niece. Covered in sweat, he reaches out to grab Randi Lynn from Raegan’s arms and gives Raegan a soft kiss on the lips.
Gag me.
Howard walks over to me and clasps my shoulder. “How are you doing, man?”
“Things are decent…considering. Takes some getting used to, but I’ll make it.”
“I’m glad to hear that. Whenever you feel ready to fight again, let me know and I’ll tell Blaize to get you on the docket.”
“I’m ready,” I tell him without hesitation.
“You sure?”
“I’m positive, Howard. I’m ready. I need this.” I need to fight like I need to breathe. I’ve missed it too damn much.
“Then I’ll set it up. You need to spar. Leave the punching bag alone. I need you at the top of your game in that ring. You know that.”
“Gotcha. Who do you want me to spar with?”
“Pick whoever you want, doesn’t matter to me. Just get yourself back into the hang of things. And don’t forget…if you need anything, just ask.”
“Thanks man, that means a lot to me.”
Garrett is so wrapped up in Randi Lynn, I don’t want to bother him. Raegan always comes dressed like she still fights, so I eyeball her. When her gaze meets mine, I wave her over. “I need a sparring partner. Tag, you’re it.”
“You sure you can handle this?” she asks, wiggling her eyebrows.
“You play dirty, Raegan.”
“You know it. Let me grab some gloves.”
She walks off to grab an old pair of her gloves that she keeps lying around. I remember when she couldn’t even get a pair on and now she’s a damn pro. She saunters back toward me and puts her hands in position. I throw the first swing and she blocks it before retaliating. Yep, I knew she missed this shit. She’s sparring like she’s never quit.
Her attempt to swing at me is blocked when I catch her off guard and kick her legs from under her. She lands on the mat with a thud and laughs. “Damn, Lance. I miss this.”
“I can tell. Do you ever think about fighting again?”
“I can’t lie, I do think about it. But I think it’s for the best that I leave that behind me.”
“Damn, that’s some harsh truth.”
“I guess so. So have you talked to that girl lately?”
Her question takes me off guard and I run my hands through my hair as I stammer, searching for the words. “I, uh, yeah, uh, no.”
“Well, we need to change that,” she says firmly, pointing her finger in my face.
“Raegan, no offense, but I don’t think we can change that. She’s made it clear she wants nothing to do with me.”
“We will change her mind. She needs to remember. Do you think she’ll be at Joe’s tonight? It is ladies night. I’m sure I could convince Garrett to go.”
Damn, I don’t know if I’ve ever told Raegan that she’s my best friend, but I think she just took Garrett’s place. A devilish grin spreads across my face. This could be the perfect plan, the perfect way to get Hilary right where I want her.
“I’m in. I sure as fuck need a happy ending after these past two weeks.”
“That’s my boy, Lance. We’ll have her eating out of the palm of your hand.”
My heart begins pounding in my chest at the mere possibility of getting to see Hilary tonight. It’s been a little over a few weeks and her face is still etched into my brain as if I just saw her five minutes ago. I want to feel her lips against mine. I want to hold her soft, curvaceous body, and show her I’m more than the jerk I was in the bar that night.
“You really think Garrett is up for going tonight?”
“Don’t you worry about him. I’ll take care of that.” She grins wickedly.
“I think I just threw up in my mouth, Raegan. Thanks for that.”
She throws her head back in laughter as she rises to her feet. We continue to spar for the next few minutes and in the back of my mind, all I can see is brown hair and beautiful eyes. Dammit, Hilary just does me in. This day can’t go by fast enough.